Question for men with anger issues

[OliveOyl]

I really think it's best not to have the facade of staying "friends." With sexual chemistry as high as you've stated, "friendship" is probably not really possible for quite some time. In fact the tension might make things worse for him. However, I wouldn't take shutting-out actions such as de-friending on FB.

 

He is going to be angry no matter how well you approach this. But hopefully things can end in a way where the benefits of the relationship outweigh the ending. I hope it goes relatively smoothly for the both of you.

[Art_Critic]

I think the sooner I end the involvement, the better.

 

I agree...

 

I'm quick tempered and can go into argument mode once my triggers are pulled.. I have been known to have a blow out over something dumb but I don't think that is the same as what you are dealing with, he mentioned that he has a particular issue with women that breakup with him and that is of real concern.

He also mentioned that he has an anger problem towards women..

 

If you date him and he gets hooked then you at least know what will happen after the breakup.. seriously.. I mean he told you where he stands with his anger issues..

It's up to you to listen to those red flags a waving and determine if you are up for it one day..

[ThsAmericanLife]

He's 26. Still maturing relationship-wise.

 

I'm not sure what he means by 'dark thoughts', although the idea of making threats sounds scary.

 

Not sure what to tell you about your situation.

 

Using him as a FWB for as long as it was convenient would be frustrating for lots of people. He seems to have low self-esteem and makes a habit out of getting involved with women who can't connect with him in return.

 

I feel sorry for both of you. Seems like a mess.

[AHardDaysNight]

Having any type of anger issues is unhealthy. I'd advise you to break it off with him.

[laotzu]

Well, crap. My FWB/lover revealed to me on the phone last night that he has a history of anger issues, including making threats toward women who broke things off with him (but, as I understand, never actually carrying them out). He said that when he's hurt, he usually gets very angry and has dark thoughts. He said he never fully acts on these thoughts, and he has matured and gotten his behavior more under control as he's gotten older.

 

You see what he's doing here, right? This is classic psychology: he's not "informing you", he's making sure you understand that if you end it with him, you'll deal with a loose cannon. Why disclose this information to you? "By the way, when women have ended it with me in the past, I tend to flip out and have anger issues."

 

It's a classic mechanism to make sure you think twice before ending it with him. It's weak and pathetic, unless it came about through questioning by you. Even then, it still seems odd - most men wouldn't mention something like that, particularly if they've gotten over it and feel as though they would never do it again.

[Ruby Slippers]

You see what he's doing here, right? This is classic psychology: he's not "informing you", he's making sure you understand that if you end it with him, you'll deal with a loose cannon. Why disclose this information to you? "By the way, when women have ended it with me in the past, I tend to flip out and have anger issues."

 

It's a classic mechanism to make sure you think twice before ending it with him. It's weak and pathetic, unless it came about through questioning by you. Even then, it still seems odd - most men wouldn't mention something like that, particularly if they've gotten over it and feel as though they would never do it again.

Right. Makes sense.

 

I'm convinced by now that he's just bad news.

 

I guess it was foolish to get involved with him at all. But all I seem to attract are losers and weirdos, and I'm lonely and tired of being alone, so I thought I'd see how things went with one of the more tolerable and appealing ones.

 

Oh, well. At least I had a lot of fun and great sex with him, for a while. Now if I can just disengage without a giant mess, I'll be OK.

[Art_Critic]

Now if I can just disengage without a giant mess, I'll be OK.

 

That's a toughie..

But obviously try not blame him or use the line.."it's me not you" that line might make him chase you.

 

Why not say that another guy you were dating just got serious and you really need to stop the FWB and contact if it is to be a honest go of it..

 

Something to that effect.. non blaming and you have totally moved on to another might make the break clean since you are not bf-gf and only fwb

 

 

Good luck

[johan]

Art, is this thread pissing you off like it's pissing me off??

[Art_Critic]

Art, is this thread pissing you off like it's pissing me off??

 

....

[ThsAmericanLife]

Oh, well. At least I had a lot of fun and great sex with him, for a while.

 

 

That is what you tell him... If he presses, then you can say something like "You know... We did agree to just be FWB. I'd like to go back to being just friends."

 

It's that simple. If you are having a hard time maintaining your boundaries in that respect, it is not HIS fault. He was honest with you about past issues. Do we know why? No. Do we or anyone know what someone else will do? No.

 

All you know is that you aren't 'into' this anymore. Enough said. If you want to stay friends, or try to, then do what you'd do with anyone you want to avoid sex with... don't have him come over, only meet in public places. Only agree to talk on the phone. Things like that.

 

Take some personal responsibility yourself.

 

And, without him being here to tell his side... I'm hard pressed to make him into some evil person. You don't need to trash him to end things amicably.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Oh, well. At least I had a lot of fun and great sex with him, for a while.

 

 

That is what you tell him... If he presses, then you can say something like "You know... We did agree to just be FWB. I'd like to go back to being just friends."

 

It's that simple. If you are having a hard time maintaining your boundaries in that respect, it is not HIS fault. He was honest with you about past issues. Do we know why? No. Do we or anyone know what someone else will do? No.

 

All you know is that you aren't 'into' this anymore. Enough said. If you want to stay friends, or try to, then do what you'd do with anyone you want to avoid sex with... don't have him come over, only meet in public places. Only agree to talk on the phone. Things like that.

 

Take some personal responsibility yourself.

 

And, without him being here to tell his side... I'm hard pressed to make him into some evil person. You don't need to trash him to end things amicably.

[Imajerk17]

This is what I find interesting, RubySlippers, and I hope you don't take it that I am criticizing your decision: Not too long ago (within 72 hours) you were talking about what a great guy he is. You notice your sudden change in tone too, no?

 

Is this the guy you met at the art festival, the author who gave you a copy of his book?

[Imajerk17]

Iamajerk, how do you remember all that??? Its nice that you do, but I am always surprised when people remember other people's history

 

 

I have a photographic memory. In fact, I have lots of superpowers. I can leap tall buildings in a single bound, metaphorically speaking.

Edited October 13, 2011 by Imajerk17

[Emilia]

This is what I find interesting, RubySlippers, and I hope you don't take it that I am criticizing your decision: Not too long ago (within 72 hours) you were talking about what a great guy he is. You notice your sudden change in tone too, no?

 

I was going to ask this too. You mentioned him on ptp's thread about male insecurity saying how great he was.

 

What did he threaten his ex with that made you change your mind? Violence? Or does he just have a big mouth? Only because you seem to be able to handle him by the sound of it so I'm not quite sure what the actual issue is. He is 26 so his temper will mellow.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, he has a lot of qualities that I really like. But from the beginning, it was clear there were barriers to a serious relationship, and I was totally honest about that from day 1.

 

Last weekend, he told me about the anger issues, and said he has given me plenty of time to make a decision about getting serious or not. He said he wants me to decide "all in, or out". Since then, he has been sending me whiny, negative text messages and trying to convince me (very unconvincingly) to keep seeing him and get serious with him. He's starting to remind me of some of the bitter, entitled guys on LS.

 

I know he was on board with the FWB arrangement, because he talked openly about how he'd discussed getting back together with his ex (who lives out of state) in the not-distant future, and was seriously considering it. I was actually glad to hear this, because it took pressure off the situation. She's seeing other people now, he was FWB with me, and it was clear we were both free to consider other prospects.

 

Emilia: I don't want to talk about the details of his threat to his ex, but believe me, it was threatening.

 

Thanks for your ideas, everybody. I've made the decision to end it -- now I just have to do it. And I will, this weekend.

[zengirl]

But all I seem to attract are losers and weirdos, and I'm lonely and tired of being alone, so I thought I'd see how things went with one of the more tolerable and appealing ones.

 

Aw, Ruby, I really wish you wouldn't talk about yourself that way. I know you don't buy into my happiness thoughts mumbo jumbo really, but I feel like when people have beliefs like this, they're bound to be reinforced, and I think you deserve better.

 

At any rate, I think you're doing well and have the best plan with the angry man thing, I just wanted to comment on that statement. EVERYONE attracts some weirdos and such, and I know those aren't the only guys who'd be into you, as you seem pretty darn great and to have a lot to offer, even if you are darn cynical sometimes!

 

I agree with the poster who said the guy is trying to convince you not to break it off. It was a manipulative move. I hate that stuff.

[Ruby Slippers]

Aw, Ruby, I really wish you wouldn't talk about yourself that way. I know you don't buy into my happiness thoughts mumbo jumbo really, but I feel like when people have beliefs like this, they're bound to be reinforced, and I think you deserve better.

 

At any rate, I think you're doing well and have the best plan with the angry man thing, I just wanted to comment on that statement. EVERYONE attracts some weirdos and such, and I know those aren't the only guys who'd be into you, as you seem pretty darn great and to have a lot to offer, even if you are darn cynical sometimes!

 

I agree with the poster who said the guy is trying to convince you not to break it off. It was a manipulative move. I hate that stuff.

Thanks, sweetheart. Yeah, I know, I shouldn't be negative myself. It was a moment of weakness. I'm really sad that what was a really fun involvement that felt healthy to me is coming to an end. But that's life.

 

And I agree with you that attitude is HUGE. This guy has only reinforced for me, BIG TIME, how damaging a negative attitude can be. I am very determined to get back to my positive, proactive attitude right away. I know that's the best way to attract like-minded people.

 

Thanks for the reminder.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Yes, he has a lot of qualities that I really like. But from the beginning, it was clear there were barriers to a serious relationship, and I was totally honest about that from day 1.

 

Last weekend, he told me about the anger issues, and said he has given me plenty of time to make a decision about getting serious or not. He said he wants me to decide "all in, or out". Since then, he has been sending me whiny, negative text messages and trying to convince me (very unconvincingly) to keep seeing him and get serious with him. He's starting to remind me of some of the bitter, entitled guys on LS.

 

As he gets older... he'll learn not to get into FWB with commitment phobes and walk away with poise and grace if/when the other person can't commit rather than try to negotiate. He cared for you, apparently, and all you can do is come here and make fun of him. Nice.

 

If you are serious about 'making the world a better place one man at a time'... you owe it to him and to yourself not to 'demonize' him just so you have a good LS excuse to go looking for a new lover.

 

You got bored and annoyed. It isn't 'fun' anymore. If all it was is a FWB, that is reason enough.

[Art_Critic]

He's starting to remind me of some of the bitter, entitled guys on LS.

 

 

Emilia: I don't want to talk about the details of his threat to his ex, but believe me, it was threatening.

 

 

 

He cared for you, apparently, and all you can do is come here and make fun of him. Nice.

 

...

 

Come on.. she is respecting his privacy and not making fun of him..

Are you bitter ?

 

I assume you think she should still date him even though he has basically assured her that he will threaten her but not hurt her ?

[carhill]

It was probably the last part, with the 'whiny' e-mails and comparisons to 'bitter, entitled guys on LS', that tipped the beam, as I noted TAL to be quite supportive of the OP's circumstances and perspective upthread.

 

IMO, there comes a time to do. Make the decision and execute it with confidence and without further 'justification'. In this circumstance, essentially a casual sexual uncommitted non-emotionally invested situation, ending it should be quite straightforward. We had fun and we're done. If his young alpha male feelings get bruised, OK. Cooking up more 'reasons' contravenes both the nature of the relationship and the status of the OP as the more mature and responsible party. Get 'er done

[Ruby Slippers]

He cared for you, apparently, and all you can do is come here and make fun of him. Nice.

 

You got bored and annoyed. It isn't 'fun' anymore. If all it was is a FWB, that is reason enough.

What is your problem? You have made your distaste for FWB relationships very clear, and that's fine -- don't have one. But consenting adults who are OK with it can make their own choices, and both of us have. I'm not his first FWB, but he is mine, and I have been considerate and fair the whole time.

 

I care about him, too, and I've treated him with respect and been totally honest. Even he told me that he appreciates that I am always "pure hearted" (his words) and caring toward him. He has also told me several times that I "bring out the best" in him.

 

I didn't get bored and annoyed. He and our relationship have been far from boring -- to the contrary, it's been quite exciting and stimulating for both of us. And I didn't feel annoyed -- I felt threatened and scared of what he might do.

 

I haven't insulted him. I've simply described his behavior as it has unfolded.

 

IMO, there comes a time to do. Make the decision and execute it with confidence and without further 'justification'.

Amen. We made plans for this weekend, during the day, in public.

 

My challenge will be resisting his inevitable retention efforts. But I have done that before, and I can do it this time, too.

[Yamaha]

What is mind boggling to me about the FWB thing is that when things end you can't even be friends with your FWB b/c sex has happened between you ( at least for quite a while ).

 

Wouldn't it have been better to have had him as a friend if you didn't find him relationship material? That way you could still have him in your life and have avoided the "talk" you now face.

[Ruby Slippers]

Is this the guy you met at the art festival, the author who gave you a copy of his book?

Sorry I missed this. No, I met him back in June, while out running errands. He gave me this big grin, I grinned back, and he came right over and introduced himself. We talked for a while, then he asked me out.

[Ruby Slippers]

Wouldn't it have been better to have had him as a friend if you didn't find him relationship material? That way you could still have him in your life and have avoided the "talk" you now face.

The attraction was immediate and strong, so I think it would have been very hard to be friends only. Seriously, I felt drawn to him the first time he locked eyes with me. I stared right back and gave him this huge flirty grin, which I almost NEVER do. And I had just come in from the rain and had my tank top and shorts plastered to me, so I was unintentionally drawing a lot of male attention. But when he made eye contact and smiled, I just felt this ZING. (I admit that I think he's very good-looking and way sexy.)

 

So, yeah, it might be ridiculous to think we can be friends. But at least for now, my feelings of attraction toward him are at a strong low, because of his recent behavior. I don't think he'll be able to sweet-talk his way back in this time.

[zengirl]

Thanks, sweetheart. Yeah, I know, I shouldn't be negative myself. It was a moment of weakness. I'm really sad that what was a really fun involvement that felt healthy to me is coming to an end. But that's life.

 

And I agree with you that attitude is HUGE. This guy has only reinforced for me, BIG TIME, how damaging a negative attitude can be. I am very determined to get back to my positive, proactive attitude right away. I know that's the best way to attract like-minded people.

 

Thanks for the reminder.

 

You're welcome. I'm sure you'll feel better when this is taken care of.

 

As he gets older... he'll learn not to get into FWB with commitment phobes and walk away with poise and grace if/when the other person can't commit rather than try to negotiate.

 

From what Ruby says, she made her stance clear on this from the beginning. There's nothing wrong with choosing not to commit to someone if you make it clear up front. And it is wrong to try to change/negotiate the person. Really, though, it's always bad when both people aren't on the same page, and that is something perhaps that Ruby could take away from this AND that he could perhaps take away from this as well. It winds up awkward for both people. But it's not Ruby's fault if he was interested in a different relationship than she was, especially since she was honest about it from the beginning.