Feelin Frisky Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 ...I had just come in from the rain and had my tank top and shorts plastered to me, so I was unintentionally drawing a lot of male attention... I bet. Link to post Share on other sites
laotzu Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I assume you think she should still date him even though he has basically assured her that he will threaten her but not hurt her ? Second. The OP started the thread with the issue of aggressiveness towards women who break-up with her FWB, and our inquiries drew out the texture of the story - I never read it as her mocking him, really, just describing his behavior as she perceived it. She was never laughing at him or anything. Honestly, if I were a girl in this position - or hell, even a guy - I'd be pretty nervous. I find it really odd that a person would share that sort of information. If he shared it like, "wow, I'm so embarrassed that I once did this" I'd be sort of hesitant. If he shared it like, "I've done this a few times, and I'm working on it" I'd be pretty weirded out. Frankly... I'd fade. I've had three girls tell me that if I broke up with them, they'd kill me. I faded on two, and the third was a psychopath who ate three years of my life. Shoulda faded. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) Amen. We made plans for this weekend, during the day, in public. My challenge will be resisting his inevitable retention efforts. But I have done that before, and I can do it this time, too. Does he at least have some idea that something is up? I would advocate doing this over the phone for that reason... more compassionate than blindsiding someone who wasn't anticipating anything besides just another fun date. Edited October 14, 2011 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 Does he at least have some idea that something is up? I would advocate doing this over the phone for that reason... more compassionate than blindsiding someone who wasn't anticipating anything besides just another fun date. Yeah. What I've tried to do is drop fairly clear hints without triggering a freak-out, and that seems to have worked so far. I told him I wanted to meet in the daytime and in public, which we rarely do, since we usually do evening, weekend dates and sleepovers. He balked at "in public", saying he thought I trusted him more than that. (This is all over text -- typical 20-something, he loves to text throughout the day.) I also said I wish he could see the positives and be thankful for the good times we had, as I am. And he goes, "We had? Does that mean that it's over? At this point, is there anything I can do to continue our relationship?" And my answer was: "I think we should talk about this in person. To me, it's more caring, respectful, and real." He agreed with that, and then we planned an afternoon for it. Personally, I think it's really low to break up over text or phone. Stand up straight and do it to their face. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I didn't get bored and annoyed. He and our relationship have been far from boring -- to the contrary, it's been quite exciting and stimulating for both of us. And I didn't feel annoyed -- I felt threatened and scared of what he might do. I can relate to that, except with women sex tends to be their weapon of choice - love me or I'll bone the hockey team sort of thing - and I can't give freely when there's an underlying threat of or else. Entirely your choice, but maybe explaining your fears to him when you break it off will be valuable feedback for him. Anger is a secondary emotion. The trick is catching the primary one and choosing to act based on that. Anger management techniques are, IMO, about damage limitation. They don't help us avoid having anger, just to channel it less destructively. The mistake, I think, is that anger management developed in the 1960-70s was developed in response to men acting out anger with physical violence for non-physical threats to their well-being. Anger has got a bad name from that. Don't get me wrong - that kind of anger is bad - but anger is neutral, just like any other emotion. It can be useful at times: Like when a coyote attacks you, anger is a great response. Even when someone rejects you, it can be fine too, if it comes out as a "f*ck you and the horse you rode in on" - an expression of anger that doesn't leave lasting injuries. If he can tap into what drives the anger, he can respond in a different way. In the case of rejection, sorrow is probably the driving force. A response of "Oh no", tears even, would be enough to express that. In any case, it's probably awkward for you to convey this to him, but feedback as to why you're calling it off may be useful for his progression. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Yeah. What I've tried to do is drop fairly clear hints without triggering a freak-out, and that seems to have worked so far. I told him I wanted to meet in the daytime and in public, which we rarely do, since we usually do evening, weekend dates and sleepovers. He balked at "in public", saying he thought I trusted him more than that. (This is all over text -- typical 20-something, he loves to text throughout the day.) I also said I wish he could see the positives and be thankful for the good times we had, as I am. And he goes, "We had? Does that mean that it's over? At this point, is there anything I can do to continue our relationship?" And my answer was: "I think we should talk about this in person. To me, it's more caring, respectful, and real." He agreed with that, and then we planned an afternoon for it. Personally, I think it's really low to break up over text or phone. Stand up straight and do it to their face. OK that's good. Link to post Share on other sites
orion1010 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 google george huguely and read what happend to his girlfriend because she tried to end it. This happens so often. please stay away from this guy. I wouldn't even meet him in public. I would break it off in the most respectful way over the phone, tell some people that are very close to you about the situation and go NC after that. I get this werid feeling his is trying to warn you. He is trying to say "if you break things off, you're going to pay." Please be careful and stay safe. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Oh for fuxache, the fearmongers on this site are incredible. Link to post Share on other sites
orion1010 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Oh for fuxache, the fearmongers on this site are incredible. Excuse me, but what do you mean by that? Link to post Share on other sites
OnyxSnowfall Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Oh for fuxache, the fearmongers on this site are incredible. Heh, I agree... Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 It was probably the last part, with the 'whiny' e-mails and comparisons to 'bitter, entitled guys on LS', that tipped the beam, as I noted TAL to be quite supportive of the OP's circumstances and perspective upthread. IMO, there comes a time to do. Make the decision and execute it with confidence and without further 'justification'. In this circumstance, essentially a casual sexual uncommitted non-emotionally invested situation, ending it should be quite straightforward. We had fun and we're done. If his young alpha male feelings get bruised, OK. Cooking up more 'reasons' contravenes both the nature of the relationship and the status of the OP as the more mature and responsible party. Get 'er done Yes, that about sums it up. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 I feel like I'm about to completely snap. A whole new definition of rage. I can't even focus my eyes at this point. Grrrrr.... Link to post Share on other sites
Rorsta Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Hi I stumbled across this post and thought I will contribute. I admit I have an anger problem in which I am not proud of and lost my ex as a result of being violent in different situation and at times put my ex in danger. I am not sure how severe your partners anger is and what there capable on but I have found counseling helps sort out your life, maybe there is a trigger that makes them angry when they break up, maybe they have been cheated on? At the end of the day reassurance that you have there back helps There are other factors beyond this that convince me he's not a long-term prospect. But I've been 100% honest about that all along, and we seemed to have an understanding. So, with this new information, I don't think it's a good idea to continue with him. I think the sooner I end the involvement, the better. So I plan to do it this weekend. I think what I'm going to do is meet him in public, break it as gently as possible, and tell him I am open to being friends -- this is true. I should note that he has already said a few times that he hopes we can stay friends, even if things don't work out. My question, for men with anger issues especially, is what is the best way to do this? I know that breakups always suck, but is there any effective way to soften it and head off any threatening behavior from him? I would appreciate anyone's advice. Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Better safe than....laying dead in a pool of your own blood. ok... she's been f-ing him for... months, I think. Maybe long enough to determine if he's a serious threat. Or, she really does have a FWB thing and all they do is f*ck and he's out the door. Fine. Things have been progressing along swimmingly from what alot of people can tell... He makes the unfortunate choice of opening up to her about his past.... and she decides she can't handle it. Fine. Here is what it looks like folks. 'Me and my FWB had a long talk and it looks like our future goals for a more serious relationship are not in line. He had some issues in his past that I'm not comfortable with, and so we are going our separate ways. I'm really sad about this because we really did enjoy each other. We have some wonderful memories. It is just too bad we couldn't bring things closer together... " This does no dishonor to her... does no dishonor to him... However, my impression is that she is going way above and beyond in painting him as a potential axe-murderer (or that is how it seems, based on subsequent posts by others. Jeez). Me thinks this is more about her not wanting to feel guilty for humping and dumping this guy than it is about his actual behavior. In any case, if she wants to to be a true femme fatale, she will leave ALL her lovers with a smile on their face... and questions unanswered. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 He makes the unfortunate choice of opening up to her about his past.... Why was it unfortunate ? If some girl you were dating all of a sudden tells you that she stalks and bunny boils every guy and slashes his tires too would you just say "okay, Let's have sex" .. no.. you would run if you took her seriously... Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Why was it unfortunate ? If some girl you were dating all of a sudden tells you that she stalks and bunny boils every guy and slashes his tires too would you just say "okay, Let's have sex" .. no.. you would run if you took her seriously... Believe it or not... I'm a woman ... and one who has been in some potentially life-threatening situations of my own... There is a danger in projecting and blowing up every little nuance and conversation. I have a hard time believing that her lover is such a skilled liar and sociopath that he could have concealed his true nature from her for as long as she has been f-ing him. Possible. But not likely. More likely is the picture I painted. He's a 26 yr old. Not on top of his emotional reactions to things. OP who seems not to want to deal with anything deeper than his penis in her vagina (hey! sounds like fun to me!). This is no life crisis. and I'm not buying the victim, scared girl act. She's tired of him and is grasping for a reason to ditch him. This is as good a reason as any, I guess. But I'd like to think a 35 yr old can suck it up and just admit it rather than paint him as a loser. Nothing to see here folks... move on. Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Anyway, it doesn't matter what he said about his past that she doesn't like. He could have told her that he's a closet vegetarian... and if she's a die hard meat eater and can't handle his veggie eating ways... she would be justified in dumping him. We all have our criteria. Let's save the victim mantel, and 'angry man' label for those who truly earn it. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 This is no life crisis. and I'm not buying the victim, scared girl act. She isn't playing that.. he just told her that the chances are pretty high that he is an abuser.. I don't buy that abusers are only young and under 26 either Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 and 'angry man' label for those who truly earn it. You are forgetting that the label didn't come from her but from his own lips... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 People lie all the time though. Why on earth would a person believe that he lied about being a possible abuser.. Yes.. people lie all the time.. but who admits to being a psycho when they aren't one ? Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 He said he gets angry when dumped and has dark thoughts, and from that you label him an abuser and a psycho? You don't think you're overreacting a bit? Or libelling someone, perhaps? Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Why on earth would a person believe that he lied about being a possible abuser.. Yes.. people lie all the time.. but who admits to being a psycho when they aren't one ? People who think that's it's funny to do so. Just sayin'. If someone feels unsafe and uncomfortable, they have a right to pull away as safely as they deem fit. I don't think that as internet strangers, we can advise otherwise unless it's obvious that the OP's view on the situation seems wonky. Even then, it's not our lives and wellbeing at stake. It's hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 It's done. Predictably, he begged and bartered to try to get me to stay, but I held my ground. He promised he would never threaten me again -- and when that didn't work, he threatened me again. He named three members of my family out of state (more stalker activity) and said maybe he should pay them a visit. I told him go ahead, as my dad has a closet full of shotguns and knows how to use them, and my black sheep brother has some crazy friends who are very loyal to him and his family. He kicked over a recycling bin in the park, and he threw something on the ground (a shirt of his I returned to him). Oh, and he insulted me at the end, and then tried to back peddle and apologize. No one has ever tried to manipulate me in so many different ways. Clearly, I need to get back to being much more careful again. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 I would get the authorities involved. I know you don't want to do this but trust me when I say you don't know what an unstable person is capable of. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Ruby, that sounds truly awful and frightening. I hope you are in a safe place far far away. I agree with Woggle that it is time to get the authorities involved. In my location, threats like that are a criminal offence and the police take stalking very seriously now. Link to post Share on other sites
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