Question for men with anger issues

[Ruby Slippers]

I would get the authorities involved. I know you don't want to do this but trust me when I say you don't know what an unstable person is capable of.

And do what? Get a restraining order?

 

I seriously doubt he would follow through on his threat about my family, or do anything to me. He told me last time that he knows all about psychology, and threats to those a person cares about are usually scarier than threats to that person. Even when he said it, it just seemed like he was testing me to see what kind of reaction he would get. I think he was hoping I would get freaked out and scared. When I told him he'd probably just get endanger himself if he tried that, he backed down right away.

 

I'll see what happens in the next day or two, and report back here if things get worse.

[xxoo]

More likely is the picture I painted. He's a 26 yr old. Not on top of his emotional reactions to things.

 

26 years old doesn't excuse making threats toward people (as described in the op).

 

Ruby, your last post is very scary! Be careful!

[Woggle]

I thought my ex was just blowing hot air as well but I was wrong. I am glad she had bad aim but she showed what she was capable of. I would at least keep a record of the threats he is making. What will happen if you start dating another guy and happen to bump into him in public?

[Art_Critic]

I'll see what happens in the next day or two, and report back here if things get worse.

 

Yes.. if he contacts you even once then you need to contact the police and at least make a report about the threats to your family..

While not enough to get you a TPO it certainly will make getting one easier if or when the time comes.

 

The guy threatens your family.. WTF does he think he is going to do ? break their legs because you won't eff him anymore.

[carhill]

Sorry to read things ended the way they did.

 

Here in Cali, his actions would be considered assault because he threatened you and family members by inference (paying them a visit) and then demonstrated physical violence by upending the trash bin. It all goes together. He didn't touch you physically so no battery occurred.

 

Consider all his strikes used up and, if he gets in your space again, take him out, and I don't mean on a date.

 

My sympathies. I don't know why men can't just walk away. It's not that hard.

[betterdeal]

A real toddler tantrum. Most unbecoming.

[ThsAmericanLife]

She isn't playing that.. he just told her that the chances are pretty high that he is an abuser..

I don't buy that abusers are only young and under 26 either

 

She put it out there that his behavior in the past was 'pretty threatening'...

 

leaving people here to jump to whatever conclusions they want... alot of them then jumping to the conclusion that he must be an abuser and dangerous person.

 

I find once declarations of this kind are put out there... the person making the accusations then feels the need to justify... and up the ante to avoid looking foolish.

 

I read his reaction to their breakup. Yes, a toddler temper tantrum indeed.

 

After people got her all amped up here... Now she's ready to put a restraining order against him???

 

This is ridiculous. Kicking over a trash can does not constitute abuse or a threat either. I wouldn't want to be around someone who does that... but that is a VERY FAR cry from assuming he is dangerous.

 

He said he was going to 'visit' her family. In a threatening way??? or just wanting to talk. so this is considered stalking activity?? When me and my ex-H were breaking up, I wanted to talk to his family too. His parents didn't want us to break up.

 

Anyway, I still think this has been blown WAY out of proportion.

 

Ruby Slippers sounds like a million other drama queens I've come across... She's been playing this back and forth emotional game with him for months.... and 'bragging' here about how much he wanted a relationship with her and how she could just revel in the sex and more-or-less take him or leave him. Now she gets to come here and 'brag' somemore about how much he begged and pleaded to keep the relationship.

 

Well, those ARE the rules of a FWB. He didn't handle it well... I also think she's been f*cking with his head a bit.. and so bears some responsibility. I find her demeanor to be almost as repulsive as his, to be honest. She's not obeying the rules of a FWB either. She's coming here trashing him to 'elevate' herself... That's how I see it.

 

Once he told her he wanted a real relationship (however long ago that was), she had a decision to make. Instead, she strung him along to fill her physical needs. I find that behavior offensive no matter who does it. Men or women.

 

MOST PEOPLE DON"T LIKE FEELING USED. Again, he's not off the hook... he agreed to those rules. So he had no 'right' to have his little tantrum.

 

Still, I think people need to back off of this guy and stop fanning the flames. If she asks for no contact (more than once) and he doesn't oblige.. THEN and only THEN does she have any possible claims.

 

Doing a pre-emptive restraining order based on bullshyte advice from fear mongers here is retarded... and will have a very long lasting affect on this man. Think about that before you make that accusation against someone, folks.

 

And if she continues to have these kind of 'issues' with the men she dates, she'll have to look in the mirror and see how she is contributing.

Edited October 16, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[betterdeal]

I agree. Far too many cries of the sky is falling in around here.

[Emilia]

The OP a spoilt drama queen who loves having power over a guy at any cost. Not enough to dump him, she has to humiliate him too. No wonder some men end up hating women

[denise_xo]

She put it out there that his behavior in the past was 'pretty threatening'...

 

leaving people here to jump to whatever conclusions they want... alot of them then jumping to the conclusion that he must be an abuser and dangerous person.

 

I find once declarations of this kind are put out there... the person making the accusations then feels the need to justify... and up the ante to avoid looking foolish.

 

I read his reaction to their breakup. Yes, a toddler temper tantrum indeed.

 

After people got her all amped up here... Now she's ready to put a restraining order against him???

 

This is ridiculous. Kicking over a trash can does not constitute abuse or a threat either. I wouldn't want to be around someone who does that... but that is a VERY FAR cry from assuming he is dangerous.

 

He said he was going to 'visit' her family. In a threatening way??? or just wanting to talk. so this is considered stalking activity?? When me and my ex-H were breaking up, I wanted to talk to his family too. His parents didn't want us to break up.

 

Anyway, I still think this has been blown WAY out of proportion.

 

Ruby Slippers sounds like a million other drama queens I've come across... She's been playing this back and forth emotional game with him for months.... and 'bragging' here about how much he wanted a relationship with her and how she could just revel in the sex and more-or-less take him or leave him. Now she gets to come here and 'brag' somemore about how much he begged and pleaded to keep the relationship.

 

Well, those ARE the rules of a FWB. He didn't handle it well... I also think she's been f*cking with his head a bit.. and so bears some responsibility. I find her demeanor to be almost as repulsive as his, to be honest. She's not obeying the rules of a FWB either. She's coming here trashing him to 'elevate' herself... That's how I see it.

 

Once he told her he wanted a real relationship (however long ago that was), she had a decision to make. Instead, she strung him along to fill her physical needs. I find that behavior offensive no matter who does it. Men or women.

 

MOST PEOPLE DON"T LIKE FEELING USED. Again, he's not off the hook... he agreed to those rules. So he had no 'right' to have his little tantrum.

 

Still, I think people need to back off of this guy and stop fanning the flames. If she asks for no contact (more than once) and he doesn't oblige.. THEN and only THEN does she have any possible claims.

 

Doing a pre-emptive restraining order based on bullshyte advice from fear mongers here is retarded... and will have a very long lasting affect on this man. Think about that before you make that accusation against someone, folks.

 

And if she continues to have these kind of 'issues' with the men she dates, she'll have to look in the mirror and see how she is contributing.

 

I think you have the pronouns confused. She didn't string him along. She was perfectly honest about her intentions. He is an adult at 26 and I would hold HIM, not her, fully responsible for HIS decision to not walk away if that relationship was not what he wanted. One she told him that she didn't want a full relationship, HE had a decision to make.

 

In my book, making threats against family members is way worse than a 'toddler tantrum'. It IS abusive, and he has HIMSELF said that he has been abusive in the past. There is nothing she has done, nothing at all, that justifies him threatening her. Nothing.

 

Also, I don't know where you get the idea that RS "is ready to put a restraining order on him"? There's nothing in her posts that indicate that.

 

If a woman is a 'drama queen' because she reacts to a man's abusive past, then that's a very odd definition of a drama queen IMO.

[Imajerk17]

It's done. Predictably, he begged and bartered to try to get me to stay, but I held my ground.

 

He promised he would never threaten me again -- and when that didn't work, he threatened me again. He named three members of my family out of state (more stalker activity) and said maybe he should pay them a visit. I told him go ahead, as my dad has a closet full of shotguns and knows how to use them, and my black sheep brother has some crazy friends who are very loyal to him and his family.

 

He kicked over a recycling bin in the park, and he threw something on the ground (a shirt of his I returned to him).

 

Oh, and he insulted me at the end, and then tried to back peddle and apologize.

 

No one has ever tried to manipulate me in so many different ways.

 

Clearly, I need to get back to being much more careful again.

 

Wow, *three* out-of-state family members? I don't know how one would even get that information, but I imagine getting it required a lot of digging. Give the boy credit, he sure did his homework!

 

Seriously, I give you props for recognizing that this situation is really no good and then forming a good exit strategy, and then acting decisively.

[betterdeal]

In my book, making threats against family members is way worse than a 'toddler tantrum'.

 

It's exactly what a toddler would do - make ridiculous nasty statements.

 

It IS abusive

 

And so is giving someone the finger in traffic. On the scale of things, a hollow, half-hearted threat that the OP saw through at the time is way down there.

 

She wasn't scared by it - according to her - but, by all means, inflate it and make it much more powerful and significant if you wish, but that's your choice, not his actions. Lump his insouciant outburst in with other more serious abuse such as child rape and you just cheapen the term "abuse" and by extension the seriousness of child rape.

 

and he has HIMSELF said that he has been abusive in the past.

 

Has he? Really? I don't recall that being said. He's said he's gotten angry and had dark thoughts, as I recall. Is getting angry and having dark thoughts abusive?

 

Aside from that, convicting someone on their own confession, told you you second hand is, well, decidedly shaky ground to base your judgements on.

 

There is nothing she has done, nothing at all, that justifies him threatening her. Nothing.

 

A straw-man argument. No-one has tried to justify what he is said to have said.

[denise_xo]

It's exactly what a toddler would do - make ridiculous nasty statements.

 

 

 

And so is giving someone the finger in traffic. On the scale of things, a hollow, half-hearted threat that the OP saw through at the time is way down there.

 

She wasn't scared by it - according to her - but, by all means, inflate it and make it much more powerful and significant if you wish, but that's your choice, not his actions. Lump his insouciant outburst in with other more serious abuse such as child rape and you just cheapen the term "abuse" and by extension the seriousness of child rape.

 

and he has HIMSELF said that he has been abusive in the past.

 

Has he? Really? I don't recall that being said. He's said he's gotten angry and had dark thoughts, as I recall. Is getting angry and having dark thoughts abusive?

 

Aside from that, convicting someone on their own confession, told you you second hand is, well, decidedly shaky ground to base your judgements on.

 

 

 

A straw-man argument. No-one has tried to justify what he is said to have said.

 

To the first bold: The important difference is one of degrees. Some abusive behaviour is punishable in a court of law, other types of abusive behaviour isn't. In my opinion, threatening three family members is very different from showing someone a finger in traffic. If you think that's inflating it, that's your opinion. I stand by mine. Whether RS was scared or not is irrelevant, IMO.

 

To the second bold: Where have I likened this to child rape? Well I haven't, so that's your comparison and not mine, I can't answer to that.

 

To the third bold, this is what RS said in her OP. I would generally mark threatening someone as abusive behaviour. Again we can disagree, but that's my opinion:

 

My FWB/lover revealed to me on the phone last night that he has a history of anger issues, including making threats toward women who broke things off with him

 

To your fourth bold, in case you haven't noticed, this is an internet forum where we respond to one side of the story, told by a stranger. That's all I base my responses on, because that's all the info we get here.

[carhill]

Good points. OP, what has this experience taught you? We've read a lot of stories on LS about FWB and very rarely do they turn out like this, so the entire process can be an excellent teaching tool.

 

My observation, based on being a man and observing men for decades, is that it is extremely likely that the same core 'style' which apparently made him the wildly passionate lover whom you've bragged on over the months of your FWB also made him the man you saw at the end. It's all connected. It's all part of his 'alpha' style. Perhaps, in time, he'll better control the dark side; I hope so. The evidence of men, apparently otherwise attractive to women, not so effectively controlling that dark side is apparent in our prison populations. Women like and are attracted to the lover and the 'good' man, but the lack of control of the dark side lands them in a cell.

 

In any event, I hope this ending is clean and you can now move on without him contacting you further. It's possible. Men do it all the time. Accept the end and move on.

[Art_Critic]

She put it out there that his behavior in the past was 'pretty threatening'...

 

leaving people here to jump to whatever conclusions they want... alot of them then jumping to the conclusion that he must be an abuser and dangerous person.

 

I find once declarations of this kind are put out there... the person making the accusations then feels the need to justify... and up the ante to avoid looking foolish.

 

I read his reaction to their breakup. Yes, a toddler temper tantrum indeed.

 

After people got her all amped up here... Now she's ready to put a restraining order against him???

 

This is ridiculous. Kicking over a trash can does not constitute abuse or a threat either. I wouldn't want to be around someone who does that... but that is a VERY FAR cry from assuming he is dangerous.

 

He said he was going to 'visit' her family. In a threatening way??? or just wanting to talk. so this is considered stalking activity?? When me and my ex-H were breaking up, I wanted to talk to his family too. His parents didn't want us to break up.

 

Anyway, I still think this has been blown WAY out of proportion.

 

Ruby Slippers sounds like a million other drama queens I've come across... She's been playing this back and forth emotional game with him for months.... and 'bragging' here about how much he wanted a relationship with her and how she could just revel in the sex and more-or-less take him or leave him. Now she gets to come here and 'brag' somemore about how much he begged and pleaded to keep the relationship.

 

Well, those ARE the rules of a FWB. He didn't handle it well... I also think she's been f*cking with his head a bit.. and so bears some responsibility. I find her demeanor to be almost as repulsive as his, to be honest. She's not obeying the rules of a FWB either. She's coming here trashing him to 'elevate' herself... That's how I see it.

 

Once he told her he wanted a real relationship (however long ago that was), she had a decision to make. Instead, she strung him along to fill her physical needs. I find that behavior offensive no matter who does it. Men or women.

 

MOST PEOPLE DON"T LIKE FEELING USED. Again, he's not off the hook... he agreed to those rules. So he had no 'right' to have his little tantrum.

 

Still, I think people need to back off of this guy and stop fanning the flames. If she asks for no contact (more than once) and he doesn't oblige.. THEN and only THEN does she have any possible claims.

 

Doing a pre-emptive restraining order based on bullshyte advice from fear mongers here is retarded... and will have a very long lasting affect on this man. Think about that before you make that accusation against someone, folks.

 

And if she continues to have these kind of 'issues' with the men she dates, she'll have to look in the mirror and see how she is contributing.

 

You have to be kidding...

 

http://www.domesticviolence.org/storage/PhyVio.jpg

 

He is already on his way to showing quite a few of the signs of someone who commits domestic violence.

 

I was an abused husband in my first marriage and can tell you that his anger will get worse not better...

As soon as the hook is set is when they practice the power control.. RubySlippers never let him set his hook.

 

Good for her.. She possibly saved herself a good bit of misery.

[Art_Critic]

Why are people pounding on RubySlippers ? for breaking up with someone that scared her ?

 

It's as if these signs that she has seen and witnessed are being considered great traits and healthy for a relationship and she made the mistake of breaking it off with him.

 

The guy is messed up...

 

Red flags shouldn't be ignored..and he showed more red flags during the breakup..

 

I've been thru countless breakup's in my life and never in one of them did I threaten her family or kick anything...

How anybody can think how is reacting is her fault is beyond me...

"You are responsible for what you do and say and they are responsible for how they react to it."

[laotzu]

It's done. Predictably, he begged and bartered to try to get me to stay, but I held my ground.

 

He promised he would never threaten me again -- and when that didn't work, he threatened me again. He named three members of my family out of state (more stalker activity) and said maybe he should pay them a visit. I told him go ahead, as my dad has a closet full of shotguns and knows how to use them, and my black sheep brother has some crazy friends who are very loyal to him and his family.

 

He kicked over a recycling bin in the park, and he threw something on the ground (a shirt of his I returned to him).

 

Oh, and he insulted me at the end, and then tried to back peddle and apologize.

 

No one has ever tried to manipulate me in so many different ways.

 

Clearly, I need to get back to being much more careful again.

 

He sounds very unintelligent, overall, and clearly has a considerable number of issues. I'd just tell a few people about it - so people understand you might have problems or whatnot - and then go complete and utter no contact with him. It'll fade away. Don't respond to anything he sends to you, obviously, because that will only encourage his behavior.

 

There are smart, attractive, manly, confident guys out there that don't need to threaten girls. If you're as pretty as you've indicated - and since you sound intelligent - wait around for one of them. This guy is the equivalent of the hot but clingy and stalkerish girls I could pick up with ease at a nightclub. Not worth the mental effort, particularly when Tarkovsky and Bolano exist.

[carhill]

It's possible to deflect and re-direct 'damsel in distress' behaviors without calling someone 'stupid' or suggesting 'they don't have a brain cell'. Moreover, such an approach would be in line with the TOU around this place, which disallows personal attacks.

[Art_Critic]

If she had a brain cell she wouldn't have put herself in a potentially dangerous and volatile situation. That's the point I am making.

 

Isn't dating figuring out what you want and don't want in a partner..

Well.. dating is all about education..

She has just learned the hard way about being in a FWB with someone she didn't know all that well.

She also learned and touched on about people who have anger issues...

 

When I married my first wife I had no idea that within 3 years she would be closed fist punching me in the face while I was driving... or throwing full coke cans at my forehead.. etc etc..

 

I learned about it though..and certainly will not repeat that mistake

[Art_Critic]

Dude.. you are splitting hairs here...for what reason I haven't a clue.. but whatever

 

A FWB is certainly a relationship and a form of dating.

[Woggle]

Leave Ruby alone people. From what she says she was honest with him from the start and when she broke it off he threatened her. Having dealt with two situations with crazy women with one ending up with her trying to shoot me I had no way of knowing what might happen or how far they would go. I also dealt with a FWB once who just couldn't accept the fact that it was over.

 

It might be that he is just blowing air but she doesn't know that and she needs to take precautions.

[carhill]

Report it then, Milhouse.

My pleasure. Thanks

[Imajerk17]

I'm shocked at the negative comments directed at RubySlippers. I tend to be harsh towards the women here, and even I think she did what she had to do.

[Eddie Edirol]

Hey Ruby, what I want to know is, what reasons did you tell him for breaking it off?

 

I wonder if his not knowing why you broke it off with him was the trigger for his anger, or if he made a big show about it and apologized simply for manipulation? I mean, you know he tried to manipulate you, was that to scare you into staying with him, or just to hurt you for breaking it off?

[Imajerk17]

I suppose it proves beyond doubt that ... any mention of violence or threats to woman by a man (whatever his age) is something to be dealt with by EXTREME caution, as indeed you did in the end. I was also curious if there were any prior red flags, however tiny,perhaps not.

 

 

Hmmm. You're saying I need to stop wearing my "Ted Bundy Rocks" t-shirt on first dates?? It fits my body so well though!

Edited October 16, 2011 by Imajerk17