Don't have time for each other

[Hanther]

My fiance and I have been together for 2.5 years now and are planning on moving from our small hometown to a huge city in December, where I am planning on finishing school and we are planning on buying a house. However, we have a lot of problems that I'm not sure we can work out, problems that I feel will be made worse if we move.

 

The main problem we have is sex/affection. We don't have sex enough, and he thinks that I am not affectionate enough. I work about 30 hours a week in a physically demanding job, plus I'm in school full time, plus every day that I'm not in school or working I volunteer in my field for experience and to add to my resume. And because it's what I love doing. That leaves one afternoon each week (starting around 6 pm) for me and my fiance to spend time together. We occasionally have a weekend morning or night where I am not working. All the other days of the week, I get home around 10 or 11 pm on average.

 

This schedule leaves me pretty tired. He works an 8-5 so he has lots of free time without me, but almost all of my free time is spent with him. Most of the time when I get home, I don't want to have sex. I want to sleep or do nothing. I never study and barely have time for homework...it's out of the question most of the time because when I get home, I want to spend my time with my fiance. Not having sex, but watching movies and talking.

 

Also, my chosen profession is wildlife biology and our house is full of all sorts of rescued animals, so a lot of my spare energy is devoted to caring for them.

 

I don't know what to do because he is simply not happy. I WANT to want sex more. But I am also fairly exhausted...both from my work/school schedule and also because I feel like I will never have time to make him happy. I feel like I can NEVER give him enough affection. And sometimes I do avoid it because I know it will lead to sex. I'm tired of dealing with this issue. During "normal" periods, we have sex about once per week. By normal, I mean that my schedule is what I described it above. But we go through stretches sometimes where we won't have sex for several weeks at a time when something unusual happens (like now, for instance, I have been sick for the last month with the flu, then bronchitis, then pneumonia...obviously sex has been the last thing on my mind). The problem is that random things happen all the time that make me want to go off sex for a while. It happened during the summer, too, and we went a month without sex.

 

We are both about at our wits end. He says we are too young to have this problem (22 and 23). Many of my issues with desire for him stem from the beginning of our relationship - he did a number of really horrible things to me that I have never been able to fully get over (I was no angel, either, though). He has completely changed and is a wonderful person now. We have both grown from the mistakes in the beginning of our relationship. But our sex life never recovered and at this point I just don't feel like I have the time for it to recover.

[MilfinBerle]

This schedule leaves me pretty tired. He works an 8-5 so he has lots of free time without me, but almost all of my free time is spent with him. Most of the time when I get home, I don't want to have sex. I want to sleep or do nothing. I never study and barely have time for homework...it's out of the question most of the time because when I get home, I want to spend my time with my fiance. Not having sex, but watching movies and talking.

 

Also, my chosen profession is wildlife biology and our house is full of all sorts of rescued animals, so a lot of my spare energy is devoted to caring for them.

 

Either change your priorities or do NOT marry this man. If you don't want to have sex with him and you're not even married yet, things will just get worse after you get married.

 

Yes I know....everything ELSE in your life is more important than finding a way to carve out 15 minutes three or four times a week to make love. Think about what kind of message you are sending to him. He's just not important enough for you to bother finding time to have sex with. When you DO have time to spend with him, you'd rather watch Netflix.

 

And obviously Ricky the Raccoon's hemorrhoids are a higher priority than sex with your bf.

 

Got it.

[Cee]

The last paragraph in which you said you haven't forgiven him for things he has done is a starting point. You are burying yourself in busy-ness to avoid dealing with the issue of betrayal.

 

Your schedule is completely insane. I don't know how you manage it. You can change your priorities and sacrifice some things. For example, you can give yourself permission not to keep rescued animals until you are out of school. It's completely ok to do that. But if you'd rather spend time with the animals than with your fiancee, that's something to look at.

 

I suggest you allow yourself a half-vacation. What I mean by that is to cut down on your work hours and skip your interning... for one week. I think you can absorb the small reduction in income to have some time to reflect alone and with your fiancee. It's hard to think straight when you are putting in 60-80 hours to work, volunteering, and school. You owe it to yourself to slow down. Try it for one week. See what feelings surface within you.

[xxoo]

It really is about priorities. What we water, grows.

 

If you give ALL your time to work, school, volunteering, and rescue animals, and little/none to your relationship, your relationship will wither and die.

 

But there are only so many hours in the day. To give more to your fiance, you will have to cut back elsewhere. It is your decision to make.

[Hanther]

Thanks for the helpful responses. I have slowed down a lot the last few weeks because I've been so sick that I haven't been able to volunteer as much...my coordinator has even grounded me from diving the aquariums because the water is too cold. lol. So it has given me some time to think.

 

Tonight we actually decided that we probably aren't going to move. We are going to stay here where it is cheaper and where I have built up a good reputation/resume, so I'll be able to get my dream job right out of college (fingers crossed). This takes away a LOT of my stress. It turns out that we both have been dreading the move but haven't said anything to the other because we both thought the other really wanted to move. Funny how that works out. So we spent tonight looking at houses in our area.

 

I'm going to try and make it a priority to show him the affection he needs. I can't really cut back on work because I barely make enough for bills as it is (I already had to cut back for classes). And I volunteer while he is working so that doesn't really take away from my time with him. It is mainly my "real" job that takes away from our time - he works days and I work nights. It really sucks.

 

Anyway thanks for the reminder that I've got to make sure my priorities are in order.