Finally - Ended it last night - Day 1 of NC

[heartinlove]

Heartinlove, you are correct, I am strong and I do not want to continue like this. I am at peace with myself because I know I tried but I will not spend another day doing that anymore if he won't reciprocate. If he is not willing to do what it takes to be with me, he is not worthy of my love.

 

So happy to hear that. I hope you stay strong. Wishing you the best!

[sad puppy]

In response to So Hurtful's request, here's the scoop on Friday nite. He arrived, with roses, which he has never given me before. Lots of kissing and hugging and looking at each other. We drank a couple bottles of wine, had the fireplace going, made dinner, and listened to tunes. I showed him some photos I had taken on one of our getaways, had them framed and in the living room.

 

We both had to work the next day so it was a relatively early night. We listened to a brand new cd of a concert we attended, in early summer, where he had his "epiphany", where he realized he would leave his wife cuz he "knew he would never have a great time like that with her", we were just having martinis and chilling on the patio of a cool hotel.

 

Yes, a lovely, gentle night of love, and off to sleep. I had to get up and get going for a meeting, 2 hours away and he needed to get to his office. So, cuddling in the morning, some great coffee, big breakfast. He just up and helped with the dishes, very sweet. Then there was about 15 mins before we had to jump in the shower and I said "let's just snuggle a bit", little bit more lovemaking. Then into the shower.

 

Throughout our time together we spoke of things we wanted to do, places we wanted to go, ... It all seemed very natural and calm v. All the never-ending drama and tears from before. He shared stuff from his therapy, the shrink asked him if he ever was angry with wife re: certain situations, ... So now, finally he is seeing the light, as yes, he is angry with many of her selfish behaviors. He also said he's "going to run the divorce" like a business and stop trying to think they can have a "happy divorce". (as a reminder, they agreed to divorce on the vacation, then he spilled the beans on affair, now it's changed the whole tenor of their conversations). Well, after no sex for 8 years, and other assorted selfish behavior I don't think she's entitled to her disappointment. Seems disingenuous to me, she's just dismayed that he disobeyed her.

 

When he was getting in his car to leave, he stood on the drive and said "can you believe this is the first time I'm leaving here without hurt feelings?"

 

So, seeming good so far. In sharing the details with his men and women friends about the separation, ... He's getting all the same feedback I have given him. His therapist sounds proactive, and is helping him see the light, so that's good.

 

Later that day, he called with great blood tests - his cholesterol was down to 156 or something from 243, he's been exercising and eating like a rabbit since Feb. I told him I'm uncomfortable at my weight and he was encouraging saying "well, we are only 51, we want to be healthy, ...so it does sound like he's thinking of a future together.

 

Supposedly, we are to be spend the bulk of next weekend together so. Shall see what happens. I remain cautiously optimistic.

 

I did reiterate to him that I had been at my wit's end before, and that quite frankly, he was damn lucky to have me, hahaha,, he did apologize at least 20 times that he was sorry for hurting me through all of this. He's a kind man and has been confused but finally he's taking big steps.

 

I'm so happy that the "surrendering" is helping. Another ebook you can find is "This Affair is Over", it's all over online. You must realize that it's all or nothing, he and I agreed to that concept early on. Then, see who he is, is he a serial cheater liar or a guy looking for the exit? You will see soon enough. I'm reading your progress and believe in all of you, I do! And I appreciate the kind words and wisdom I have found here. I will continue to chime in with any insights I remember but you gotta reclaim your power, feng shui your house, take hot baths and release the angst, the pushing, all of it. Give him a piece of your mind and see what his actions are. You only want him full time, not part time, and he can't have you on HIS own terms - no can do. Some guys will have the courage to move on and some will stay in their frikkin miserable marriages, take comfort in that!

[sad puppy]

He's been reading "the Power of Now" by Eckert Tolle - and he is extremely inspired and I believe it's helping him go thru the change of schedule, residence, ... My cousin read it three times while dating and going thru relationship junk. So, maybe some of these WS need to read it, maybe it will help push them along a bit in their decision making or maybe we all should read it. He's asking me to but I've studied a lot of Buddhist stuff so Tolle's book may be a little redundant for me. Anyway, who knows? There's two people in my life that were inspired to change cuz of that book.

 

Rock on!

[sad puppy]

Nonetheless, I am not feeling completely secure or overjoyed or anything like that. He pisses me off one more time and I'm going to try and close the door. I mean it when I say I'm very tired at this point. 'Tis never easy.

[Barrsitter]

Sad Puppy...I read your last three posts. Most interesting, indeed. I'm reading The Power of Now at the moment also. Very, very helpful.

 

I wish you well. Just listen to your intuition. Get into meditation and really tune into your deepest self, for it is there that the answers are. And watch what your man does. Words are nice, but actions speak.

 

I agree with your advice on not pushing anymore. I did that to my xMM for 2 years and he resisted. Now, I've gone NC. I almost texted him this morning after 5 days of NC but I didn't. And I won't. I can't change him or make him do something he doesn't want to do. All I can do is change myself and I am doing that...and loving it! A master knows when to let go. And I have let go. Let go of clinging, persuading, clawing etc. He must be scratching his head

 

Be well. Namaste.

[sad puppy]

B - glad you didn't give in! You are right when you say you can't make someone do what they don't want to do. I think it's also very important to walk away when they will really miss you. Enough is enough. I read that if they don't leave in a year, they don't leave (by psychologist that specializes in infidelity). My guy had his "epiphany" 14 months after we met. It also came at night, after we had spent the whole day unhappy & skirmishing greatly over his marriage, I was pissed! It took 2 more months for him to have the divorce talk.

 

So, walk away when they are head over heels, don't let them take you for granted, let them miss you, let the realization of their unhappy marriage come crashing upon their heads. "You want it, you got it". If they are miserable, they will leave. If they are missing & loving you, they will leave. If they're a player, a cheater, a liar - they will stay and who wants to be with that person? A person of no courage, a person that cannot grab life and move forward, no, you don't want them.

 

Leave them hanging and wondering. They have to be the one to make decision and put the plan in action. It's the only way it will work. I told my guy, that I don't want it any other way.

 

Yep, so we are gonna spend the bulk of this weekend, hanging out, no plans. We agreed we need time alone, in this new way, without burden, without an "affair" hanging over us. It will be very relaxing, I am sure.

 

Namaste to you, to you all that read here. I have been in your shoes and am aware of that pain. I surrendered because I couldn't take the pain any longer, it was too damaging. Let the Universe find the answers for you, you just need to take care of yourself.

[Barrsitter]

SP -

 

Awesome post. You got your @#$$ together Girl. I hear the power in your words and I'm impressed. You are right - leave them to their misery (if indeed it is misery).

 

I've been watching a funny but wise video on youtube - Madea - Tyler Perry character talking about relationships. She says....if someone wants to leave you, let them go. There's such power in that way of being.

 

I can't tell you how freeing it is to just be present in this moment, not thinking about the past or the future. Just being fully present in this moment, enjoying this moment and not suffering about some MM who's got his head so far up his ass he can't figure out whether he's coming or going.

 

At least I know who I am and I walk the talk. I'm not living someone else's life and I don't pretend who I am. I am free to come and go as I see fit. I'm shining big now and I'm movin' on down the road........

 

Here's to getting your groove back, SP!

[sad puppy]

Madea! We all need to find our inner strong black woman! She wouldn't put up with wishy washy crazy men with their drama and lies, she'd kick their ass right outta her life! Haha, that's so funny B! Let's use her as our inspiration!

 

You sound strong, keep going, embrace the light!

[heartinlove]

sad puppy and barsitter you are now officially two of my favorite posters. So nice to see a healing and uplifting take on all of this.

 

Just with a couple weeks of NC all my perspective is coming back. Its already almost hard to believe all the back and forth I tolerated and all the patience I had. Oy. There is something to be said about kicking that kind of flip-floppy back and forthy behavior out and saying come back when you're clear if youre ever clear.

 

Im also amazed that Im already in such a good place. Getting my life back, doing great things for myself. And I have also found when I think of MM and wish him well and set him free that is much more healing than holding on to any anger or disappointment. At the end of the day, feeling the love we shared and letting go from a space of love is truly freeing.

 

Im all for feng-shuing the house and surrendering this all up to the light. Taking the good, learning my lessons and moving forward knowing life has great things in store for me.

[sad puppy]

Heart, good for you! I'm so happy your surrendering is helping you move to a better frame of mind. That shift in perception is subtle but powerful, it releases the drama and allows you to work from a place of power and acceptance.

 

Plus, it feels so good. I always believe in the whole decluttering, rearranging, making way for new energy in your life program. Gotta shake up the energy! Apparently, we all need to read The Power of Now, also. And take vitamins, get a massage, that helps too, let's all do the things that make us feel good.

 

One more thing, Heart - OY? How funny, yes, I got it! OY is right! Let's just keep saying that when we think of the drama and crazy talking, OY!!!

[Barrsitter]

SP and HinL- right on! Madea rocks! We all have an inner black momma, we just need to let her out!

 

Just finished buying 17 Joe Satriani songs off ITunes. No more moping around for me. Madea, yoga, meditation, kick-ass rock from Satriani, tomorrow, taking the day off and who knows what kind of trouble I could get into.

 

I'm starting a First OW's Club on LS. You guys in?

[heartinlove]

Heart, good for you! I'm so happy your surrendering is helping you move to a better frame of mind. That shift in perception is subtle but powerful, it releases the drama and allows you to work from a place of power and acceptance.

 

Plus, it feels so good. I always believe in the whole decluttering, rearranging, making way for new energy in your life program. Gotta shake up the energy! Apparently, we all need to read The Power of Now, also. And take vitamins, get a massage, that helps too, let's all do the things that make us feel good.

 

One more thing, Heart - OY? How funny, yes, I got it! OY is right! Let's just keep saying that when we think of the drama and crazy talking, OY!!!

 

Couldn't agree more. Im doing all those things. Getting back to my yoga practice and meditating every day. Its making a world of difference.

 

And I love my new mantra anytime I miss the crazy times of the man I love telling me every day how he just knows we will be together, cant wait to be together, any moment its coming now, and then a few days later says, you know I forgot that maybe I need to work on that marriage of mine. You know back in the day that marriage used to be good, so maybe I can put humpty dumpty back together again.

 

I will just look into the sky and say a giant OY!

[heartinlove]

Heart, good for you! I'm so happy your surrendering is helping you move to a better frame of mind. That shift in perception is subtle but powerful, it releases the drama and allows you to work from a place of power and acceptance.

 

Plus, it feels so good. I always believe in the whole decluttering, rearranging, making way for new energy in your life program. Gotta shake up the energy! Apparently, we all need to read The Power of Now, also. And take vitamins, get a massage, that helps too, let's all do the things that make us feel good.

 

One more thing, Heart - OY? How funny, yes, I got it! OY is right! Let's just keep saying that when we think of the drama and crazy talking, OY!!!

 

Couldn't agree more. Im doing all those things. Getting back to my yoga practice and meditating every day. Its making a world of difference.

 

And I love my new mantra anytime I miss the crazy times of the man I love telling me every day how he just knows we will be together, cant wait to be together, any moment its coming now, and then a few days later says, you know I forgot that maybe I need to work on that marriage of mine. You know back in the day that marriage used to be good, so maybe I can put humpty dumpty back together again for the sake of my family and the kids.

 

I will just look into the sky and say a giant OY!

[sad puppy]

Oy, our new, roll your eyes, look to the heavens response - oy!

 

Whatever happened to So Hurtful that started the thread, I wonder what's up? Here are the three of us readjusting our mojo, starting a club, and where did she go?

 

This is our healing, positive energy spot! Where, instead of dwelling in the misery and negativity, we are reclaiming our positive mojo. She needs to join us!

 

I want to add another response to the "I gotta work on my marriage" line. (shoulder shrug) with a "whatevah". Followed by a laugh out loud laugh! Hahaha, that feels good.

[So Hurtful]

Oy, our new, roll your eyes, look to the heavens response - oy!

 

Whatever happened to So Hurtful that started the thread, I wonder what's up? Here are the three of us readjusting our mojo, starting a club, and where did she go?

 

This is our healing, positive energy spot! Where, instead of dwelling in the misery and negativity, we are reclaiming our positive mojo. She needs to join us!

 

I want to add another response to the "I gotta work on my marriage" line. (shoulder shrug) with a "whatevah". Followed by a laugh out loud laugh! Hahaha, that feels good.

I'm here, I'm here ladies!! and ready to join the club!!! well, I've actually had a stressfull week, actually it has been a HORRIBLE month!!

 

Sad Puppy, thanks for sharing the details of your weekend with your guy after 3 months of not seeing each other, I was soooooooo happy to hear about your weekend, ooooooohhh, how romantic, I was so excited to hear all about it and I'm glad it went well! I hope everything works out for you, I really do and looking forward to staying in contact with you guys to see each other through the end of this period in our lives, ending one chapter and starting a new one because my book still has many chapters to be written!! too bad MM was not willing to be part of it until THE END, but oh well, cannot force anything.

 

Sad Puppy, I will look into reading those books, "This Affair is Over" and "the Power of Now".

 

Like I have said before I will not be the one breaking contact. He has been texting me and he is getting desperate, he even suggested I give him the phone back (the one we used to communicate with each other) and I'm like "whatever"!!! I'm not going back to those days. No more!! I do miss him a lot and I am hurting still, I cry when I hear a song that reminds me of him but overall, I know how to control myself and please believe me when I say I will not initiate contact.

 

I have been having bad days due to my vehicle's mechanical problems!!! Thursday afternoon after work, my truck would not start, had my sister jump me and it started. Friday morning, while I was driving, one of my front wheels exploded!!! I was so glad that it did not happen while I was going 70 mph on the freeway!!! soooo, had to get brother in law to help out, purchase a new tire, etc. Then, yesterday morning, my truck died on me!!, again, I am glad it did not happen on the freeway, it just died on me so I had to pull over to a shopping center, had my sister come get me, checked oil levels, it had no oil!!! went and got oil, put it in, nothing, would not start, sister jumped me again, nothing, truck is dead. Sooooo, had to get my mom's mechanic to come and tow my truck to his shop. He called me today and told me it is the gas bomb, whatever that is. So I have been stressing out over vehicle maintenance. Now that I am on my own, I will have to take charge and do all that stuff myself, oil changes and maintenance. I was thinking, okay, so here I am with a soon to be exhusband and a MM, so two men in my life but I cannot count on them!!! hahaha!, so what do I want them for?? out of two men I cannot cound on either, better be by myself!! and if MM does not bring anything of value besides loving words and wonderful lovemaking, why do I want him if I cannot count on him!! heck no!! So I have been pretty upset. Maybe these things are happening to me for a reason, so I can see who will be by my side when I need someone. It sure isn't MM!! He knew about my tire exploding and my truck dying on me. If it was the other way around I would have told him, okay, get ready because I will get your truck this weekend and take it for a full check and oil changes, maintenance so you are all set, but, that would be me because I am so madly in love that I would do anything for the person I love!! I would say, do not worry about anything, I'll go and purchase your tire and take care of the rest. But no, of course that is not going to happen because his responsibilities and obligations are at home not with me. He only used me for a good time and that is it. Sorry for the long post ladies, I needed to vent.

 

I apologize, I know sometimes my words do not make any sense!

 

I am ready for this month to be over, it has been very depressing for me. First, finding out my Dad's widow married less than 6 months from his passing really upset me, then my Dad's 6 months since he passed, then my break up with MM, then my tire exploding, then my truck dying on me and then my Grandpa's 2 year anniversary since his passing yesterday. I am so ready for this month to be over and for this year to be over!! I am ready to start fresh in 2012 and want to and need to be ready to leave all this behind!!

 

Hugs ladies!!

[sad puppy]

Oh my dear, what an ordeal! Yes, 2011 is almost over, 2012 is coming soon! Yes, I think you're right, I think the Universe is showing you that the two men in your life, you can do without. It is important to know you can rely on yourself. Life seems unfair and challenging, at times, and that is to be expected but suffering is optional. Feel your feelings and let them blow away, they are transient.

 

Chill and relax, sending hugs.

[Barrsitter]

So Hurtful,

 

When you look at your situation, it looks bleak.

 

Good news!

 

You are not your circumstances. You are not even your thoughts or your emotions. You are you.

 

Be here now. Be present now. Forget the last five minutes - it's gone and doesn't exist. Forget the future - it hasn't happened.

 

Be here now. Look around and enjoy this present moment. Forget all the crap of this month. And don't wait until next month to have a better life. Choose to have a better life in this moment. Right now. And for only this moment.

 

Be Present. Forget the Past and the Future. Repeat.

[SBC]

So Hurtful,

 

When you look at your situation, it looks bleak.

 

Good news!

 

You are not your circumstances. You are not even your thoughts or your emotions. You are you.

 

Be here now. Be present now. Forget the last five minutes - it's gone and doesn't exist. Forget the future - it hasn't happened.

 

Be here now. Look around and enjoy this present moment. Forget all the crap of this month. And don't wait until next month to have a better life. Choose to have a better life in this moment. Right now. And for only this moment.

 

Be Present. Forget the Past and the Future. Repeat.

 

Terrific post Barrsitter