shadylady Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 My MM is my best friend. We met about a year and 4 months ago. His wife and I became friends because we have children the same age who ended up in class and extracurricular activities together, then we realized we lived about a block from each other. One night my son went to their house to play. MM called and asked me to come down to their house too. The wife was at some kind of party (like Tupperware or something); we'd play with the kids (they have 2, me 1), cook something, chit chat. We made a most amazing connection. Very comfortable, friendly. It was like we had been hanging out and taking care of the kids forever. I laughed (he's easygoing with the same sense of humor as me), we had a lot in common, liked the same music, disliked television. That's where it started. Over time we all grew closer and my son and I spent more and more time there. I was equal friends with them both. Then one night, after many when I felt he and I had gotten too close, and I was already dealing with feelings I had for him, he kissed me. I panicked, kind of freaked really. What was he up to? She was a good friend, he was her husband. I almost pushed that kiss away, wish now in so many ways that I had been truly successful. I only managed to cut that one short, push him away. Then things got crazy. She told me that he had told her he tried to kiss me, that I wouldn't...she told me that he was attracted to me, liked me very much. She told me that they had a somewhat open marriage, that there were rules, but that it would be fine if we had an intimate relationship as long as she was aware of it. I was floored, but curious and more than a little interested in getting to know this man. We have something very special, we are so comfortable with each other, see things similarly, laugh at (and make) the same dumb jokes, enjoy the same types of hobbies. Long, long, long story short...we fell in love, and started breaking the rules of their open marriage almost as soon as they were discussed. She doesn't know about the nights I spend in her bed. She doesn't know about the nights he spends in mine. She doesn't know that we hold hands in public, that we have lunch together several times a week, that we speak on the phone every day. I knew going in what the situation would be. They have two beautiful children. He says he won't leave because of the kids, but I've become certain that he truly loves his wife and will never, ever leave her. They've had a rough couple of months, fighting all the time. The torture is that they both confide in me, as I remain a good friend to her, and he and I share (almost) everything. Remember, she doesn't know how constant and intimate our relationship has become. I'm at a crossroads. I want out so badly, want to stop this horrible pain of knowing where he is and who he is with when he is not with me. I've been fighting with him a lot lately, I am so angry inside I just want to punch him, punch anyone! Still, all he has to do is wrap his arms around me, tell me he loves me, sometimes he'll even shed a tear, saying he never meant this to happen but he can't live without me. He begs me not to turn my back on him. But he never promises any kind of future, never pretends this is going anywhere but where it is now...emotionally deep, but physically stagnant. He never even hints at the possibility he could or would exit his marriage. Noble to a point, but, then, what the hell am I and what the hell have I got to look forward to? More lies, more secrets, more lonely nights when I can't even call? My every action causes feelings of guilt I cannot overcome. Guilty about what I do to her when I'm with him; guilty about what I do to him when I try to shut him out. A hopeless situation, where I cannot win. There is more, but I would like to know what you think before I proceed. Any thoughts ladies who have been in or near my situation? Very few people know, and those that do say immediately, get out, get out! It's not that simple. I love this man, and have forged an inexorable bond with his family (his youngest son, 3, has taken to telling me he loves me every time I see him!). We share many friends, his family and mine. Shutting him out would mean shutting out much of my life at this point, avoiding friends' birthday parties, skipping planned events well into the future. I guess I don't so much want advice as I want to know that I'm not the only one who's walked this horrendous path of self-destruction. Anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Originally posted by shadylady But he never promises any kind of future, never pretends this is going anywhere but where it is now...emotionally deep, but physically stagnant. He never even hints at the possibility he could or would exit his marriage. Noble to a point, but, then, what the hell am I and what the hell have I got to look forward to? More lies, more secrets, more lonely nights when I can't even call? Yep, that's pretty much it. Lies, secrets and lonely nights is all you have to look forward to. You went head first into this, knowing you were going to get in way too deep. You seem to feel you're powerless to stop yourself but you're not!! You have no ties to this family that can't be broken. Keep your child at your own home and stay the heck away from them. I know it'll hurt for a while, but isn't that better than hurting for the rest of your life? You admit he loves his wife and has no intention of leaving, so where does that leave you? Out in the cold. Those are two "friends" you can certainly do without. For the sanity of all of you, break it off. Link to post Share on other sites
friendforyou Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Hmmm, I read your post earlier today, just getting a change now to comment. I don t recall you mentioning something though... are you married as well? If so that would throw in a whole other dynamic. But lets go with you are not....Do you think that you being involved with this man causes more fights between himself and his wife? What about his guilt? His torn/ and tortured soul? If you ask me, I think you actually sound a bit selfish. You are probably going to hate me for saying that, but "sometimes you see the picture better when you are standing outside the frame". And if you are single, he is selfish as well, keeping you from finding someone else that is un attached. And know you are probably saying " i dont want anyone else" ....Hey if you were able to find him, you will be able to find another. I mean, who ever thought you would be in this situation right?!--- That shows anything can happen, meaning you can meet your real Prince Charming. Now,lets just say this does continue, and it goes the way you want ... if you two ever starting a marriage, would it be "open" as his is now? Does he have a problem with committement or staying with just one woman? How many other woman have their been in this "open" marriage? Also, be careful that you do not "receive" a STD, you do not know who his wife is with. And you know as husband and wife they probably do not use protection. Another something to think about. Link to post Share on other sites
Yadda39 Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 You are headed down a dirt road with a dead end. There is no house with a white picket fence at the end of this little road. The question is... Are you willing to spend the rest of your life being the "shadow".? Or, do you want more out of a relationship? If you answered yes to the first one then go ahead with what you are doing. IF you feel like you deserve more from someone who says they love you, then you have to clear out to make room for a new. And there will be another one down the line. You can be sure of that. Good luck, and you need to make some decisions.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadylady Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 Thank you for your responses. You've basically spelled out to me all the horrible things I've been feeling and knowing I need to do and consider. As I said, I want out so badly. I've been terribly unlucky in love and I think I've latched onto this relationship in part because it is the only one that's come along in many years, though I do think he and I have something very special and I love him very much. I am in the process of cutting all ties, and I know I am strong enough to handle it. And, while I'm alone most of the time in this relationship, I'm terribly afraid of being alone all the time which is all I have to look forward to as this comes to an end. He knows this; he'll know when to show up on my doorstep; he'll know exactly what to say to make me give in. Your brutal honesty and logical presentation of the facts will make it easier to slam the door in his face. I'm getting there, I really am. I keep trying to remind myself that this relationship is destroying me anyway. The least I could do is walk away on my own and restore a tiny fraction of the dignity I've lost. Thank you again...by the way, I am single. Know anyone I could meet? shady Link to post Share on other sites
friendforyou Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Sure I do, where you located though? Link to post Share on other sites
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