I Am Nothing But Scum...

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

I'm seeing a girl at the moment. A month abouts now. I broke up with my ex and started seeing this girl 3 weeks later. She was a friend who I looked to for company after my break up and now she's become this wonderful companion and great friend. She means a lot to me. We're not exclusive, in the sense that we've never spoken about it but we both agree that the idea of discussing our relationship or whatever it is we have, could be detrimental to it. As in, once we start using labels and then there is expectations and whatnot, it gets complicated and we enjoy things how they are now.

 

So my ex turns up at my door, round bout midnight, crying and drunk. I invite her in and we start talking about her problems, which seem to be that she's not over me. She starts telling me things like I'm the love of her life and that she's so lonely without me. I felt wracked with guilt over breaking up with her. One thing leads to another and we end up in bed. I had tried to console her and only made things worse, made it harder for her to move on, harder for myself to move and also, I've cheated on this new girl. Although we never talked about exclusivity, and in fact she (jokingly, but only just) scolded me for referring to us as a "couple", doesn't the fact we've been sleeping together, texting everyday and seeing each other every 2 or 3 days mean we are?

 

How do I tell her? How do I live with this decision? I've f*cked up big time and I don't understand how, or why, I let it happen. I feel like every good relationship I get into, I then try and destroy somehow. I feel like such a dirty, lowlife, cheating scumbag...

[mike111]

Ouch, dude!

 

Boy, you really got yourself into a pickle. Now you have two problems instead of one.

 

Not sure what to say to you. Just learn from this one and don't do it again

 

Too bad you had to let her in when she was drunk. And she probably would have never come over if she was sober. Anyway....what's done is done, now...

 

mike

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Ouch, dude!

 

Boy, you really got yourself into a pickle. Now you have two problems instead of one.

 

Not sure what to say to you. Just learn from this one and don't do it again

 

Too bad you had to let her in when she was drunk. And she probably would have never come over if she was sober. Anyway....what's done is done, now...

 

mike

 

What should I tell the girl I'm seeing? How do I break this kind of news? I've never cheated before, I despise it. How the hell do I tell her in a way that won't hurt her...that's not even possible, I know, but...what should I do?

[mike111]

What should I tell the girl I'm seeing? How do I break this kind of news? I've never cheated before, I despise it. How the hell do I tell her in a way that won't hurt her...that's not even possible, I know, but...what should I do?

 

 

That's a tough one. She now runs the risk of being crushed too. But you can't lie about it either. Something has to give. It might be best to break it off gently and let her down easy, maybe by not even discussing the affair. Just leave. Just a thought. But she also does not need to get crushed. So, yeah, it's a real tough one.

 

mike

[MilfinBerle]

What should I tell the girl I'm seeing? How do I break this kind of news? I've never cheated before, I despise it. How the hell do I tell her in a way that won't hurt her...that's not even possible, I know, but...what should I do?

 

Don't tell her anything.

 

You're not a couple. She told you that point blank. You're not exclusive. You didn't cheat.

 

Sounds like you banged your ex so you would have something to tell your new gf to make her jealous.

 

Not smart--if you tell your new gf she will dump you.

 

Keep your mouth shut.

 

 

doesn't the fact we've been sleeping together, texting everyday and seeing each other every 2 or 3 days mean we are?

 

No, because the new gf is probably out banging other guys, or trying to, same as you. That's why she makes a point of saying you're not a "couple." If you ever catch her, or she ever confesses to banging some other dude, she will say, "But I told you we're not a couple."

Edited October 12, 2011 by MilfinBerle

[mike111]

Keep your mouth shut.

 

 

Yep. I think that's probably the best suggestion for him at this point.

 

mike

[tinktronik]

Don't tell her anything.

 

You're not a couple. She told you that point blank. You're not exclusive. You didn't cheat.

 

Sounds like you banged your ex so you would have something to tell your new gf to make her jealous.

 

Not smart--if you tell your new gf she will dump you.

 

Keep your mouth shut.

 

 

 

 

No, because the new gf is probably out banging other guys, or trying to, same as you. That's why she makes a point of saying you're not a "couple." If you ever catch her, or she ever confesses to banging some other dude, she will say, "But I told you we're not a couple."

 

The bolded.

[nofool4u]

How do I tell her? How do I live with this decision?

 

you don't live with the decision as long as you let the new girl go. set her free.

 

be honest. she at least deserves that.

 

 

I've f*cked up big time and I don't understand how, or why, I let it happen.

 

because you let the little head do the thinking for the big one.

 

 

I feel like every good relationship I get into, I then try and destroy somehow. I feel like such a dirty, lowlife, cheating scumbag...

 

maybe you should stay away from relationships until you are mature enough to be in one. the women you enter them with deserve that much.

[RiverRunning]

"Not exclusive" can mean different things to different people, so sexual contact should've been discussed too. For some people, it's just, "We can date other people, but no sexual activity." For others, it's anything goes. That's why I hate just settling it with "We're exclusive" or "we're not" because that can mean so many different things and it can also cause a lot of problems.

 

If you admit this to the new girlfriend, it's probably going to devastate her and cause a lot of insecurity that's going to make it difficult for your relationship to advance in the future. The fact that you slept with a drunk girl, while you're seeing someone else, who just happens to be your ex, doesn't bode well for you if you do come clean to the new girl. I wouldn't be shocked if she turned and left. My feeling is that such recent exes shouldn't even be talking to each other so they CAN start to move on and get over their feelings.

 

I think you should dump the new girl. Or at the very least, discuss the sexual boundaries of your non-exclusive relationship. If you're both OK with an open sexual relationship, you did nothing wrong. If she's not OK with it - it's a problem.

 

But I imagine if this gem comes out years down the road when you're seriously dating, she is not going to be happy to find that you were still rooting for your ex.

 

You should probably cut contact with both and find someone else.

[nofool4u]

Don\'t tell your new chick a damn thing.

 

You\'re nit exclusive so you weren\'t cheating and it\'s none of her business.

 

ya, HE says they aren't exclusive. but guess what. if he wants a relationship with the new girl, then screwing his X wasn't the way to go about it.

 

what? he gets to screw his X and feel that he still deserves the new girl?

 

an X actually did this to me and cited that we weren't exclusive, just in different words. I told her she was right that we weren't exclusive, but then told her that since I know she wanted to be exclusive with me, screwing another guy doesn't exactly make me feel good about the relationship. so I ended it.

 

why the hell do people get into relationships and try to justify screwing someone over based on the fact they just haven't done the exclusivity talk.

 

 

if someone is going to do that, then don't develop a relationship with someone. just date casually, make it known they are simply friends with benefits at that point, and at least all the cards are on the table.

 

but I highly doubt OP led this new girl to believe that they were not in a relationship.

 

And its none of the new girl's business to know the kind of guy she is getting involved with?

Edited October 13, 2011 by nofool4u

[MichiganMan222]

No, because the new gf is probably out banging other guys, or trying to, same as you. That's why she makes a point of saying you're not a "couple."

 

Jackpot. She wanted to keep her options open and it backfired. My last girlfriend did the same exact thing and the same thing happened. She made a point of telling me (more than a couple times) that we were NOT exclusive and open to date/see/f*ck others.

 

I said OK, no problem.

 

Just a few weeks later her jealousy got the best of her and she said she takes it all back and wants to be a couple. To me this meant I was no longer allowed to see others (nor was she). We were both on the same page and we maintained a faithful relationship for two years.

 

You didn't cheat on anyone, so forget about talking to it about the new girl. Right now you're not obligated to stay away from others, and when you DO become exclusive, you're not supposed to discuss details of sexual encountered prior to exclusiveness. Your only obligation to the new girl at this point is not giving her nasty bugs from being reckless with someone else

 

Besides, you have bigger problems. Your ex will REALLY be unable to let go now. Good luck with that. It was a mistake, but NOT because it was dishonest or cheating.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

What I can tell you about the girl I'm currently "seeing" is that she IS insecure. She's just had a bit of a hard time of things is all, so she kind of retreats into herself when she feels pressured. This is most likely why she doesn't want to be in a relationship - that kind of thing is a little too much commitment, what if things went wrong? What if it didn't work out? What if I cheated on her?

 

I'm not sure whether or not to see it as cheating. Emotion cheating, yes definitely. Cheating as to the parameters of what we've established as our relationship with each other? Not necessarily. At one point she asked me to tell her if I slept with anyone else while she and I were still seeing each other as she's very health conscious. As a result, I'm getting checked out (more for my own piece of mind) before I sleep with her again.

 

Most of my friends said the same thing - don't tell her. Simply because, I think, it would be rocking the boat unnecessarily. Certainly if we were dating I'd have had to have told her. But we're not dating, not technically. And I know this is a lousy argument, a cop out, a way to excuse myself for my behavior, but it beats the sh*t out of admitting defeat, telling her and destroying the trust she'd built up in me as a result of her being a little too (understandably) afraid to take our relationship further.

 

My thinking is this: define what we have, is it a relationship? Is it exclusive? Have that talk and see whats what. I felt sick and disgusted at what I did because I genuinely really like this girl, and because I felt guilty for my ex over what I'd done, but that's over now and I'm moving on. And I'll move on with this new girl.

[louise_23]

I'm seeing a girl at the moment. A month abouts now. I broke up with my ex and started seeing this girl 3 weeks later. She was a friend who I looked to for company after my break up and now she's become this wonderful companion and great friend. She means a lot to me. We're not exclusive, in the sense that we've never spoken about it but we both agree that the idea of discussing our relationship or whatever it is we have, could be detrimental to it. As in, once we start using labels and then there is expectations and whatnot, it gets complicated and we enjoy things how they are now.

 

So my ex turns up at my door, round bout midnight, crying and drunk. I invite her in and we start talking about her problems, which seem to be that she's not over me. She starts telling me things like I'm the love of her life and that she's so lonely without me. I felt wracked with guilt over breaking up with her. One thing leads to another and we end up in bed. I had tried to console her and only made things worse, made it harder for her to move on, harder for myself to move and also, I've cheated on this new girl. Although we never talked about exclusivity, and in fact she (jokingly, but only just) scolded me for referring to us as a "couple", doesn't the fact we've been sleeping together, texting everyday and seeing each other every 2 or 3 days mean we are?

 

How do I tell her? How do I live with this decision? I've f*cked up big time and I don't understand how, or why, I let it happen. I feel like every good relationship I get into, I then try and destroy somehow. I feel like such a dirty, lowlife, cheating scumbag...

 

 

i dont agree with cheating (id say thats what youve done) but please, dont tell her. it only causes heartache. if you want to break up with her, fine. just dont cite the reason. the only reason you want to tell her is to unburden your conscience and while yeah its honest its not always the right thing to do.

[Leegh]

i dont agree with cheating (id say thats what youve done) but please, dont tell her. it only causes heartache. if you want to break up with her, fine. just dont cite the reason. the only reason you want to tell her is to unburden your conscience and while yeah its honest its not always the right thing to do.

I agree. Why hurt her unnecessarily. You aren't engaged or married. The only reason for telling her would be if you thought you would be transmitting an STD.

[Mme. Chaucer]

What is it you want, anyway? Do you want to have an exclusive relationship with the new one? Do you want to get back together with the ex? Do you want to be free to have sex when and with whom you feel like it, without feeling like scum?

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

What is it you want, anyway? Do you want to have an exclusive relationship with the new one? Do you want to get back together with the ex? Do you want to be free to have sex when and with whom you feel like it, without feeling like scum?

 

I do not want to be free to have sex with whomever I'd like. If I did, it's not difficult, for me anyway, to establish that with someone. I'm not the kinda guy who sleeps around a lot. I think I'd like to be with this girl, yeah. The thing with my ex was stupid. I felt guilty because she was upset and was having trouble moving past our break up.

 

I can't talk to the new girl about that, though, coz she's a bit of a commitment-phobe and would prob freak out. We have a very easy going relationship where we describe each other as 'a very good friend' and don't ask the big questions or expect too much from each other.

[Sevenscars]

Listen my friend. Yeah, you messed up big time in playing with the new girl's heart. At the same time... since you guys are just "very good friends" and haven't had any talk about being exclusive, and from what I gather, basically just kinda-sorta-half seeing each other, then yeah, it was a crappy thing for you to do but at the same time it's okay.

 

What you really need to do is be honest with the new girl. Tell her what happened, more importantly WHY it happened, and then give her the choice to still see you or not. If she wants to see you still, then suggest that you discuss each others' boundaries so this sort of thing won't happen and mess up things. And decide if you truly are exclusive or not.

 

I mean, yeah it was a crappy thing for you to do...if you were truly exclusive. It seems like she's a commitment-phobe and because of that, you actually do have the opportunity to do the things you do. Doesn't mean it won't cause hurt feelings. But technically, she had the fish on the hook (you) and let it drag instead of pulling it up because she was too afraid to let it go.

 

Then again, if you apparently don't expect to much from each other, then she doesn't really expect you to be faithful does she? Try to hone in on that to decide what to do. If it was me, I'd come clean no matter what just out of respect to her.

 

But if you think she'd rather not hear about it, then keep your mouth shut and never, ever do such a stupid thing again.

[olddouche]

DO NOT SAY ANYTHING!!!!!

 

You feel guilty, and you should but telling her is just selfish.

 

you will be trading you're guilt for her heartbreak.

 

After you tell her you will no longer feel guilty... but she will feel horrible. Then if you stay with her you'll never hear the end of it.

 

Don't be a dummy... live with your guilt and save her feelings.

 

also, don't tell anyone else.

[nofool4u]

DO NOT SAY ANYTHING!!!!!

 

You feel guilty, and you should but telling her is just selfish.

 

you will be trading you're guilt for her heartbreak.

 

After you tell her you will no longer feel guilty... but she will feel horrible. Then if you stay with her you'll never hear the end of it.

 

Don't be a dummy... live with your guilt and save her feelings.

 

also, don't tell anyone else.

 

if he isn't going to be honest with her, then he needs to let her go.

 

because as long as he has no consequences to his actions, and is held accountable, he will simply cheat again. and no, the so called guilt a cheater supposedly feels isn't a consequence.

 

if he isn't going to be honest with her, as if betraying her wasn't bad enough, then he doesn't deserve her, and doesn't need to be in a committed relationship until he learns what it means to be in one.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

She knows. The whole thing, dates, what happened, everything. She found an email and traced it back and it opened up a whole can of worms. Now there's lots of crying and sadness and anger. I don't know what to do...

[Leigh 87]

After a month, most people tend to KNOW if they are into someone enough to NOT sleep with others.....

I would normally say to you: your not into the new girl enough, because you were able to sleep with another girl......

 

HOWEVER: because it was your ex, then maybe you DO truly liket his new girl, but your ex has strong emotional ties to you, which made you sleep with the ex while possible being genuinely into this new girl.

 

NORMALLY I would not believe that MOST men would be able to sleep with other women if they were TRULY into a girl.

 

......Tell me, if you were out with your friends and hot girls made moves on you, would you have gone for them?

 

...Or, are you not at all interested in other women, but simply slept with your ex because of your history?

[Leigh 87]

Here is a girls point of view, that is very common....

 

I either do friends with benifits, and have casual hook ups with various men I know already and like and respect (but do not want a relationship with)

 

OR

 

I date ONE person.

 

If I am not into that ONE person enough to be faithfull, they are merely a friends. With benifits.

 

I get that some people can do the "casual, no labels" thing, in regards to their fledging "relationships"

But to me, if I am really into someone, I cannot be really into someone else, nor can I hook up with someone else.

 

You also need to communicate, rather than just try to be so easy going and stating " yeah, we are not exclusive, lets just stay away from labels"

....It is bad being so casual and not mentioning if your planning on being with other people. Period.

 

....Look, people work differently, some CAN do the casual thing (although I doubt they are that into each other if they date multiple people for more than a week or so)

I would not DATE or spend time with men intimately, if I did not like them! UNLESS it was a FRIENDS WITH BENIFITS, in which case they can do as they please, and vise versa!

 

 

 

 

.....OP, if you both like each other as more than just FWB, then your exlusive.

 

Unless you tend to date girls your not really into, in which case your wasting your time anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

........Once I get he the stage of really being into a guy, enough to get excited about their calls and the time we see each other, then I would not want them to see others until they have worked out if I am someone they are also into.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

It was a stupid mistake with my ex that I wish I could take back. Truth is, I rationalised it back then to fit my circumstance. Yes, I wanted to be with the "new girl" but I was still in the process of breaking up with my ex and there was still a lingering sentiment there.

 

My gf forgave me. But she won't forgive me again. We managed to get past it because we're strong and love each other. I won't make that mistake again.

 

Now I have the possibility that I have a child to contend with, though...

[blueshirts]

If u decide u are in a relationship, I think she has a right to know. Telling her sooner rather than later shows how truly remorseful you are. If I were her, I would have liked to know.

 

My ex did something similar before we became "official" except it Didnt turn out do be just a one-time thing. If your ex knocked on your door drunk again, would you do the same thing?

 

When I found out I was not able to forgive him. Because I felt my trust in him was shattered. All people are different though, but personally I think it's best to set things straight, and soon.

[salparadise]

I think I'd like to be with this girl, yeah. The thing with my ex was stupid. I felt guilty because she was upset and was having trouble moving past our break up.

 

Listen man, this was a one-time screwup. The breakup was recent and she came over drunk and jumped you. You and the new girl had not become exclusive and although you feel a bit guilty you technically did not cheat. Don't go confessing because it will only cause her pain and mess up the potential for a budding new relationship. This notion of unburdening your soul by dumping it on someone else's is just wrong––if you're hell bent to unburden then tell it to a priest or counselor or someone who can listen and help you resolve your dissonance. And while you're at it, forgive yourself for being human.