Questions about the progression of dating ---> relationship

[gd1039]

Ok, for the record I am 19, so I am still kind of young and I am sure my limited experience with this has influence on my logic. Lets say you meet someone. Then you casually date them for a month or two months. Your feelings for them grow and theirs for you so you decide to date only each other (aww isn't that the sweetest thing now?). Welcome to a realationship.

 

Now, after browsing this forum I have noticed a few things. For one, people seem to be casually dating the same person for longer and longer and longer before they finally enter a "relationship" with them. Am I wrong, that a month or two is an acceptable amount of time to determine if you are interested enough in someone to start a relationship with them? "well, we dated for a year but we have only been technically going out for a month" seems a little much for me. The other thing I am confused to is what everyone here considers a relationship. To me, its when you are going to date only that person and nobody else. Going on a date with someone else would be cheating. This is opposed to casually dating someone when it is ok to go on a date with another person.

 

I am not saying that anything is wrong with waiting longer but if you casually date someone for a lengthy amount of time and then they don't want to see you anymore are you going to be much less upset if you had technically been in a relationship with that person? I think not. Even though you are casually dating and free to see other people, I bet it still bothers you when they go on a date with another girl or guy.

[Chris85]

well i only ever date 1 girl at a time. I can't believe that you'd see two guy/girls at the same time and then choose to go into a relationship with one and not the other. What if you end up liking both that’s asking for trouble. I think it's important to date someone for a long time or at least have been friends with the person in question and then try dating, I don't think jumping into a relationship is the right way to go. maybe i'm wrong..

[yes]

I personally don't believe in clear cut stages: casual dating -> dating -> relationship - whatever! If I really like someone, I won't wanna date others. Sure I may date others during the first month, when i'm just getting to know him, but not after that - not b/c we had a "talk abt exclusivity" but b/c i simply don't wanna see others - i wanna see him! Hopefully something similar is happening on his end.

 

You won't need a "talk" to know you're exclusive... if he calls every night, sees you as much as he can, easily lets you into the details of his life, yada yada, you won't even need to ask.

 

my 2c,

-yes

[gd1039]

Chris - I agree with you about dating more than one person not being a good idea. In any instance that I have been in in the past, I have never only dated one girl at a time. That is a great point about what if you really like both of them.

 

Yes - I also agree with you that if I really like someone I wouldnt want to date someone else. Now, when you say after that first month, when you decide you like him and only want to date him...I think that is a relationship.

 

To me, once you get to know someone and decide you dont want to see other people, that is a relationship. Really, so what is the difference between dating somone and being in a relationship with that person?

 

EDIT---

Yes - you are also very correct that there really isnt clear cut stages. I was mearly making an elementary progression so that it would be easier to sperate and understand the things I was talking about. Like you said, there usually isn't an actual talk about being exclusive or whatever, it just happens.

[chris58]

Originally posted by yes

If I really like someone, I won't wanna date others. Sure I may date others during the first month, when i'm just getting to know him, but not after that - not b/c we had a "talk abt exclusivity" but b/c i simply don't wanna see others ...

 

Originally posted by gd1039

Now, when you say after that first month, when you decide you like him and only want to date him...I think that is a relationship.

 

Wouldn't that mean that it's possible for one person to consider him/herself as in an "exclusive relationship", when the other person doesn't? If one person decides that the person they've been dating is the only person they want to see now, but the other person doesn't feel the same way (at least not yet) ... wouldn't you have a situation where one of them considers it a "relationship" and the other doesn't?

 

(BTW, I'm speaking from absolutely zero experience here, just trying to make sense of what I read.)

[Chris85]

To me it’s about respect. I respect her enough to only see her when dating, it’s not like I’m asking her to marry be but I don’t feel that you can get to know anyone if you date more then one person at any time because you would be comparing them constantly.

 

When I date a girl she gets my full attention so I can find out if we really get on. I don’t know if any of the girls I’ve dated have dated me and someone else at the same time but at least if she ever asked I would say “I’m only seeing you” at least it shows respect for her and her feelings.

 

I wouldn’t like to date any girl that was dating others at the same time, I don’t know why but it just seems wrong and she wouldn’t be my type, so that rules her out by default. To me it’s all about respect and that’s important when you first meet someone.

[SoleMate]

You won't need a "talk" to know you're exclusive... if he calls every night, sees you as much as he can, easily lets you into the details of his life, yada yada, you won't even need to ask.

I must respectfully disagree. There are lots of possibilities for misunderstandings out there. If you want the two of you to be exclusive, I strongly suggest asking the other person in a clear manner. I also recommend asking "What other people are you seeing?" and "Are you married?" and "Are there any other men/women out there who think they have some kind of rights to you? You may or may not hear the truth, but then at least when you're finding out some unpleasant facts four months later, you'll be able to scream, "You lied to me!"

 

So many people post here asking about the "rules" and "norms" for a relationship. Well, perhaps in a stable society like Japan, everybody is working off the same playbook. But in the US, there are lots of cultures coming together, plus regional, cultural, and socioeconomic variations. Everything from, "You touched her, you marry her" to "Party on!" So it is pure prudence to ASK what rulebook the other person is working from. And let them know your expectations too.

[gd1039]

chris - well, yea the way it reads it would be possible for one of the two of you to think you are in a relationship and the other to not to think the same thing. But Realistically, I think there has to be some conversation about the relationship and that it can't just be implied.

 

Someone is bound to bring up if the two of you are only seeing eachother. I also agree that it is best to date one person at a time.

 

So here is my question...where does dating end and the relationship begin? Some people have been "dating" for months and are sleeping together and only seeing each other but arent sure if they want a "relationship" with the other person. To me, thats bull**** because I think it is a relationship already. Does anyone see things differently?

[Chris85]

That’s a really good question. I say dating is when you get to know someone and enjoy their company but nothing more. I think relationships just happen it’s hard to say where exactly the line is because we are all different.

 

If I was getting on with a girl and we’ve been dating and we kiss (assuming it’s still what we both want) then I would say that’s the real start from then on you just spend time with each other doing the things couples do.

 

I must admit now you brought that up it’s made me think a little harder about what defines a relationship. I think it's just one of those things that you both just know.

[chris58]

OK this is a slight change of topic, but anyway ...

 

Assuming there is some sort of progression from "casual dating" to a "relationship", it sounds (from reading above) like most people see "casual dating" as "getting to know someone". From this I imagine that "casual dating" starts with someone you don't know very well at all, someone like a friend-of-a-friend sort of thing who you meet once, you think you might like to see again, and bingo you're "casually dating".

 

So my question is, in the case where you go from being friends to being "in a relationship", does this mean you don't go through the "casual dating" phase? First you're friends, then relatively suddenly you're "together" or something? If you're already friends, you don't need to "get to know" each other I guess.

 

So this would mean there are two possible "paths" to a relationship:

1. meet someone --> "casual dating", ie. getting to know each other one-on-one --> "relationship"

2. meet someone --> become friends, ie. getting to know each other in the context of larger social groups (anything but one-on-one I guess) --> "relationship"

 

Is that roughly the way people see it?

 

(Of course I know I'm simplifying it a bit, as people have said there aren't really precisely-defined stages, but I'm just trying to get a rough idea.)

[gd1039]

Chris - I think that it depends on how well you know this "friend" If they were a really good friend of yours, that you knew for a reasonable amount of time, then you probably could skip the casual dating phase, or if you did go through it, it would be very short.

 

If the person was more of an aquaintance than a "friend" I would say there is still a casual dating period before the relationship.

 

For example, there was one girl that I used to be great friends with. We were best friends for around 2 years and the whole time we would hang out at least 3 times a week. Dont get me wrong, we were stricly friends, but supposing one day we stumbled to the fact that we both have liked eachother for a while, then I imagine we could pass on the casual dating.

 

But, if there was some girl I was friends with from school and talked to in class and occasionally outside of class and mabey even hung out with a few times, then I think I would still need to go through the casual dating phase.

[Chris85]

agreed. You can skip if the dating stage if your already friends BUT close friends that have been out together before. For example i known a girl for 1 year and ask her to come out with me, we go out 1 night just me and her and have a great time then i'd be willing for the relationship to happen because i've already known for 1 year her and we still get on well on a 1 on 1 date. It's always good to have a 1 on 1 date so you really know how they feel for you, because people are differnt when friends arnt around. So if you get on well at school/college/work and ask her to dinner/cinema/bowling as firends and she dosn't want to then forget mate she just wants friends BUT if she says yes don't asume she fancys you, play it cool and look for the signs, or just do what i do and take her to the pub (usually works) i don't mean get her drunk lol but after a few rinks she might be more honist about how she feels, but NEVER get her drunk and take advantage.

[chris58]

Originally posted by Chris85

So if you get on well at school/college/work and ask her to dinner/cinema/bowling as firends and she dosn't want to then forget mate she just wants friends ...

 

I feel like I might be nitpicking a bit (I'm not criticising you, Chris85, because what you've said here does seem consistent with what a lot of people say), but I don't understand how that works.

 

If she does *not* want to go out "to dinner/cinema/bowling as firends", then that means "she just wants friends"? How can that be?

 

If you ask a girl out "as friends" and she doesn't want to go, you say forget it ... but what is there to forget? I guess you're saying forget about the idea of being anything more than friends with her; but if that's what you're going to read into her answer, it doesn't seem like you were really just asking her "as friends".

 

So it seems like there's a difference between

1. the sort of friend which you ask her to dinner/cinema/bowling as

2. the sort of friend which she wants to be if she says no to dinner/cinema/bowling as "friend type 1"

 

What's going on here????!

 

(Personally I have literally no experience at all with this stuff but I can't get out of my head the idea that once you ask a girl to do *anything* one-on-one, no matter what you call it, you've sort of crossed a line and there's no turning back, it's all or nothing.)

[chris58]

Hate to be a pain, but ... please ... anyone, any ideas on that last post?

 

I'm not looking for any particularly profound expert advice here ... the point of view of anyone who's ever been in any sort of "relationship" is a valuable insight for me!