glimmereye Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 I need some advice. My sisters and I don’t know what to do about the situation with our mother. I am 24 years old, my sisters are 21 and 17. My mom is a very hard person to talk to. We have never been able to be open with our feeling towards her because we always hurt her feelings and then she won’t talk to us for sometimes weeks on end. I never tell my mom if I am upset with her because she always turns it around to make me look like the bad person. I am closer to my mothers-in-law than I am to my own mother. My youngest sister just graduated from High School this weekend, but she has been living with my other sister and her husband for the past 3 months because her and mom don’t get along. Two weeks ago I stood up to my mom for the first time EVER. I was upset that she had only given my 21 year old sister $50 in the three months my little sister was living with her. My mom gets $500 in child support each month. She screamed at me over the phone and hung up on me twice and then wouldn’t talk to me at all. She talked to me online a week later and said that she couldn’t understand why us three girls hated her so much because she sacrificed so much to raise us. My mom and dad got divorced 6 years ago after I left for college, so she didn’t raise us all by herself. My grandma is involved in this now and she can not believe how badly we have hurt my mom. She says my mom cries all of the time and she can’t talk to us because we hurt her so bad. The thing is my mom is always like this. She has to have people feel sorry for her and pity her. She manipulated every situation so that she can win, even when she knows she is wrong. We don’t hate her and we have all told her that, but she continues to say that we do hate her. My husband and my sisters husband say that we should just go on with our lives and not talk to her anymore. I sometimes feel that way too, but she is my mother and I want to see her be happy. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Marchbanx Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 I've known people like this. They play on the emotions of others in order to get what they want. I can't understand what your mother is trying to achieve by hurting your feelings, and those of your sisters. Maybe she wants more control over you. Maybe she is taking out her anger from the divorce on you. Maybe she is afraid that you will forget about her now that you are an adult. Who knows? Whatever it is, she knows that if she manipulates your emotions, she is likelier to get what she wants because you are her daughter and you do not want to hurt her. The thing is, this type of behavior can go on only as long as you let it. It may sound harsh, but you may have to tell your mother that if she is not going to speak with you in a non-hurtful way, then she should not try to speak with you at all. Do not feel guilty that you are your own person after your mother raised you. That does not make you ungrateful. A supportive parent will want their child to be independent, and will be glad their child does not need them like they did when the child was young. That's the hardest part about a parent-child relationship: accepting the fact that it changes over time. Good luck in your decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
allheart Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 [color=indigo][font=arial]Great insight and advice Marchbanx...... So sorry you are struggling with this problem, glimmereye! Your mom just seems to have the type of personality where she must be the center of attention and when that attention is diverted from her, she takes it personally. And by now including your grandmother, she is triangulating things by spinning her story to others who will (again) give the attention to her and provide her with the 'attention' (sympathy) she obviously needs and feels she so deserves. You know, it is amazing to me that in my experience (some 18 years) children (no matter how old and no matter what they've been through) always want to be in the good graces of their parents. This unconditional love is very powerful and it is soooo difficult to break loose from it. I have seen children emotionally, physically, and sexually abused, who....eventually want to let that parent back into their lives because (in their words) "they are my mom, or my dad and I love them." WoW! It just amazes and perplexes me sometimes. Dr. Laura Schlessinger has made some powerful comments on this subject in her many books. She did not have a particularly good relationship with her mom and she has said that even though one of the 10 commandments is to honor your mother and father, that one can still do that but not have to love them. In other words...God did not command us to love them, only to honor them...or do them no harm. That makes a lot of sense to me, especially in cases where it is so emotionally difficult to love them. I'm sorry to ramble on and on. And (again) I am sorry (glimmereye) that you have to go through this. The bottom line is...you are an adult now and you have to go on with your life. Sometimes, that means plowing ahead and leaving the door open for a better relationship with your mom, but you never have to walk through that door if you are expected to leave your personal dignity and self respect behind. You do not have to sacrifice your integrity to cater to your mother's immature games. You can 'honor and respect' her...and perhaps learn to embrace the 'good' things about her and try to accept (but detach from) the 'not so good.' Hope in some way this helps. Best Wishes![/font][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Author glimmereye Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 Thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement. After I posted that message I wasn't sure if I should have because I started to doubt the accuracy of my feelings. I thought well maybe I WAS wrong to feel anger towards my mother. Reading your replies has easied my anxiety though, so I thank you both very much. Link to post Share on other sites
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