Awesome friendship in rocky waters. How to steer free?

[tooniceguy]

Hello. I am in 9th grade in high school and have had some troubles with a girl I know. I met her last year, and only became close friends with her at the beginning of this year. We talked quite late several times, and have had a fairly close relationship. She is extremely smart, fairly popular, nice, funny, good looking- the whole deal. For a while I honestly only wanted to be friends with her- I did this successfully in a similar situation with another awesome female I know.

 

Recently, however, she's been giving me mixed signals. She has helped me through a couple depressions, I helped give her a little more self confidence in school. Recently she called me one of the coolest guys she knew. Understandably, I took this as the high compliment it was. I think I took it a little too high. I guess she was talking about the fact that we could talk so easily, and I guess she viewed us as a brother/sister more. We have been out with groups before, but never as a couple. However, I realized how awesome she really was and decided to ask her out to lunch some weekend.

 

That whole day she didn't talk to me. On AIM the next day we talked a little bit, and it became pretty clear that such a thing was alright in groups, but she wasn't ready for a one on one situation. It is increasingly awkward for us to talk to each other now, and I'm losing a bit of my concentration on some of my goals in life, thinking what would have happened if I had only taken it as she meant it. I don't want to lose this friendship, because it really is important to me, even if she doesn't want to go about it in a romantic style. How can I handle this situation? I guess I should add that I am a fairly shy guy, in the "nerd" clique, though I am by far the most jocky of the nerds. Kinda like being the tallest midget... Anyways, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

A confused teen,

PW

[Anon 51]

Well Sir PW, jockiest of all nerds, at least you took the risk and now you don't have to wonder whether she feels the same. I can tell you are intelligent by the way you write so I'm sure you'll actually be able to use the information I'm about to give you.

 

First of all, congrats on asking her out. Most guys your age would not have the guts to do what you did and would not have asked her out. Those guys have to spend the rest of their lives wondering what would have happened had they done so. I know her response is not what you had hoped for but it's not all that bad.

 

The reason it's not that bad is because there's still a chance that she could eventually develop the same feelings for you that you have for her. Of course, there's also a chance that might not happen as well. The point is, just cause she said no to you now doesn't necessarily mean it means no forever. What should you do in the meantime?

 

As a guy who knows what's important, you realize that your friendship with her is valuable. Truly, genuine friendships are what life is all about. Make your friendship with her your #1 priority. Let her know that your friendship means a lot to you and that you didn't mean to make her feel uncomfortable. Tell her that you understand if she feels weird and that you won't bring it up again. You need to convince her that you won't keep putting her in that awkward position everytime you guys talk or hang out. I'm sure she felt bad having to turn you down as well and the reason why things are awkward between the two of is cause she's afraid you'll ask her out again (never forget the other person's perspective.) Once you tell her this stuff, give her time. It might take a while before things go back to how they used to be. In reality, they will never go back to exactly how they used to be cause there's an added dimension to the friendship now but it can still be worthwhile and perhaps even better than before.

 

Why did she say no? There are any variety of reasons. Maybe she's not attracted to you physically. Maybe cause she's in the popular clique and you're in the nerdy clique, she's afraid her reputation will go down. (Cut her some slack, she's pretty young). Maybe she's afraid of ruining the friendship. It doesn't really matter though cause the point is, she's not ready to take the plunge.

 

So once you have that conversation about not meaning to make her feel uncomfortable and promising not to bring it up again, it's up to her. If she can't get over it, your friendship as you know it is over (sorry, it's the truth.) If she's as cool as you think she is, she'll get over it and realize the friendship is worthwhile. Just don't get stuck in the rut of waiting for her to come around while you become increasingly obsessed with her. Try to talk to other girls or at least keep yourself busy.

 

One last thing I want to tell you is that despite what Hollywood and many people might try to convince you, love can be a lot about timing and much less about destiny. It's very possible that had you asked her out a month or even a week from now, she might have felt differently and said yes. Also, realize that you've got a lot going for yourself as well and that you as well as she would be lucky if you guys end up going out together. Good luck my friend. I'm sure things will work out for you. Post again if you have more questions.