Mack05 Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I have read so many posts on LS since the start of May (when I joined). For most of us letting go is an extremely hard and stressful process to go through. I used to read this everytime I was close to breaking NC (which was like hundreds of times). "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference" Every breakup is unique, the problems/issues maybe similar, but each breakup in itself is unique as are the people involved. We hear all the time about how "special" these relationships are. I have lost count of the number of LS posters describing their relationship as "special". This is a very true statement. We are all special, so when we meet someone that we consider to be 'special', then what we experience is an amazing and joyous period in our lives. When we lose that 'special' bond, it is truly utterly devastating. Our whole rational thought process goes out the window. I remember after my last breakup my mother/sister saying to me..."Mack you are not thinking clearly". I was saying to them "yes I am!" or "what the hell does that mean I'm not thinking clearly?". I now know what they meant by that. I have seen so many posters on LS get great from follow posters and completely ignore it. Why? Because they are not thinking rationally. The harsh reality is there is nothing you can do to get an ex back, when they leave. Here are a few rules I believe dumpee's should follow... 1) Begging, Pleading and Manipulating are an absolute NO NO. Your ex has made a decision to leave. This is their decision to make and if you respect them then you have to respect their decision. 2) If you truly love your ex then you put their needs above your own. You have to set them free. Too many people love how their ex's made them feel about themselves. This is not real love. Real love is putting your partners needs above your own. Even if that means they meet someone else. If they ask to be left alone, you leave them alone. 3) It's been said a million times on this site, but you have to go NC and stay NC. This is savage hard, but it is a must! Explain to you ex friendship is not an option and that you will not respond to them UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (Ok if a family members of theirs dies then obviously u can't ignore but besides these rare occurrences you have to stay NC at all times). You must not respond to breadcrumbs. When a dumper offers breadcrumbs, it is for their selfish reasons and you now need to take your ex off the high pedestal you put them on..They are putting their needs above yours (the opposite of real love) and any breadcrumb should be seen as a red flag. Not a potential opportunity to get back together. You must not checkup on Facebook/MSN/Twitter. In fact block them from these applications. How many threads have we seen asking the question "should I break NC?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... No contact is about your healing. It is a must to stay NC for 2 months. You have no idea how much you are helping yourself by doing this. 4) Feel your feelings. Don't avoid them. We focus on other people/rebound/over excessive drinking/eating etc etc because we are afraid to focus on our own feelings. Here is a great article on what I am referring to when I say "Feel your feelings" -> http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html 5) Focus on YOU! How many times do we read threads by LS members looking for explanations about their ex's behavior. Eventually it will click that it doesn't matter. What matters is focusing on you and you alone. Going over questions endlessly is pointless as you will never get the clarity you seek. It is also very detrimental to your recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mack05 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 For me, if the woman I love leaves me in future, I will automatically go NC for 3 months (probably a good bit longer). I would use this time to better myself in everyway I can. Maybe Therapy, get in awesome physical shape, volunteering, etc etc etc, basically all positive steps. I will write down goals and achieve them. Is being positive easy when u feel like crap!?? Hell No!! but its that positivity that makes us strong people. It's going to the gym on a rainy morning when we feel like never getting out of bed. It's volunteering on a Sunday, instead of lazying around the house. Those are the changes that make the real differences in our lives. It these positive changes that help us love ourselves again. When we love ourselves, we don't need validation or approval from anyone. When we love ourselves we know our ex's made the biggest mistakes of our lives by leaving us. When we love ourselves we attract the right kind of partner for us. After applying these positive steps over a 6 month period, you will know exactly where you stand. You will either have moved on and actually don't want your ex back, or you will love them more than ever. It is scenario B, I would write her one last letter. No begging or pleading. I would outline the things I felt I did wrong in the relationship and what I have done to correct those mistakes. I would explain the things (I feel) we need to change for us to make the relationship work better. I would explain the improvements that I made in my life. I would tell her that I love her and explain why my love for her is so unique and special and what I can offer her that no other man can. If she comes back then amazing!. More than likely she won't reply and I then have full closure. Not only that, I can start to fully move on with my life with 6 months positive changes under my belt. Not only that I will have dealt with the grief cycle in the correct way -> http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Stages-of-a-Break-Up&id=1705365 and http://kathrynvercillo.hubpages.com/hub/Relationships-Ending-The-Five-Stages-of-Grief Too many LS posters stay in what I call 'Limbo'. The longer you stay here the less you move on with your lives. We have only one shot at life. There are terminally ill, starving people all over the world, who would give anything to have the opportunities we have. Don't waste precious time grieving/obsessing over someone who will never deserve your love. Remember your ex left you. If you sit in a dark room feeling sorry for yourself, obsessing nonstop about your ex, how does that help you? Let me answer that it doesn't. It's natural for the first few weeks to go over things endlessly, but this stage should only last a few weeks. Not many months as I see with many LS Posters. 6) Forgive yourself and forgive your ex. Once you can achieve this then you free yourself of the grip they have around you. You are free to move on with your life. No matter what your ex did to you, forgive them. By forgiving them we take away the power they have over us and give it back to ourselves. Forgive yourself means you stop beating yourself up over mistakes. You accept what has happened, forgive yourself and leave it in the past.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lymtal1 Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 great post mack. thanks for taking the time to compose. it is this type stuff that brings me back to what is most important at this time. me:) Link to post Share on other sites
Bruised Not Broken Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Awesome Post....was looking for the "Like" button that FB has Link to post Share on other sites
jyoun Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Thank you. I feel that reading this post helped me quite a bit. #2 is totally how I feel about my recent breakup, so it's extremely comforting to hear that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mack05 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 adding... For me, if the woman I love leaves me in future, I will automatically go NC for 3 months (probably a good bit longer). I would use this time to better myself in everyway I can. Maybe Therapy, get in awesome physical shape, volunteering, etc etc etc, basically all positive steps. I will write down goals and achieve them. Is being positive easy when u feel like crap!?? Hell No!! but its that positivity that makes us strong people. It's going to the gym on a rainy morning when we feel like never getting out of bed. It's volunteering on a Sunday, instead of lazying around the house. Those are the changes that make the real differences in our lives. It these positive changes that help us love ourselves again. When we love ourselves, we don't need validation or approval from anyone. When we love ourselves we know our ex's made the biggest mistakes of our lives by leaving us. When we love ourselves we attract the right kind of partner for us. After applying these positive steps over a 6 month period, you will know exactly where you stand. You will either have moved on and actually don't want your ex back, or you will love them more than ever. It is scenario B, I would write her one last letter. No begging or pleading. I would outline the things I felt I did wrong in the relationship and what I have done to correct those mistakes. I would explain the things (I feel) we need to change for us to make the relationship work better. I would explain the improvements that I made in my life. I would tell her that I love her and explain why my love for her is so unique and special and what I can offer her that no other man can. If she comes back then amazing!. More than likely she won't reply and I then have full closure. Not only that, I can start to fully move on with my life with 6 months positive changes under my belt. Not only that I will have dealt with the grief cycle (google it) in the correct way. Too many LS posters stay in what I call 'Limbo'. The longer you stay here the less you move on with your lives. We have only one shot at life. There are terminally ill, starving people all over the world, who would give anything to have the opportunities we have. Don't waste precious time grieving/obsessing over someone who will never deserve your love. Remember your ex left you. If you sit in a dark room feeling sorry for yourself, obsessing nonstop about your ex, how does that help you? Let me answer that it doesn't. It's natural for the first few weeks to go over things endlessly, but this stage should only last a few weeks. Not many months as I see with many LS Posters. 6) Forgive yourself and forgive your ex. Once you can achieve this then you free yourself of the grip they have around you. You are free to move on with your life. No matter what your ex did to you, forgive them. By forgiving them we take away the power they have over us and give it back to ourselves. Forgive yourself means you stop beating yourself up over mistakes. You accept what has happened, forgive yourself and leave it in the past.. Link to post Share on other sites
jyoun Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Yes, I believe Forgiveness is very powerful and in many cases hugely beneficial. If anyone likes quirky movies, watch "Mind the Gap"... just saw it recently again and it follows similar themes. It's rather artsy-fartsy movie though, so it's not for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonnyy Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I have read so many posts on LS since the start of May (when I joined). For most of us letting go is an extremely hard and stressful process to go through. I used to read this everytime I was close to breaking NC (which was like hundreds of times). "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference" Every breakup is unique, the problems/issues maybe similar, but each breakup in itself is unique as are the people involved. We hear all the time about how "special" these relationships are. I have lost count of the number of LS posters describing their relationship as "special". This is a very true statement. We are all special, so when we meet someone that we consider to be 'special', then what we experience is an amazing and joyous period in our lives. When we lose that 'special' bond, it is truly utterly devastating. Our whole rational thought process goes out the window. I remember after my last breakup my mother/sister saying to me..."Mack you are not thinking clearly". I was saying to them "yes I am!" or "what the hell does that mean I'm not thinking clearly?". I now know what they meant by that. I have seen so many posters on LS get great from follow posters and completely ignore it. Why? Because they are not thinking rationally. The harsh reality is there is nothing you can do to get an ex back, when they leave. Here are a few rules I believe dumpee's should follow... 1) Begging, Pleading and Manipulating are an absolute NO NO. Your ex has made a decision to leave. This is their decision to make and if you respect them then you have to respect their decision. 2) If you truly love your ex then you put their needs above your own. You have to set them free. Too many people love how their ex's made them feel about themselves. This is not real love. Real love is putting your partners needs above your own. Even if that means they meet someone else. If they ask to be left alone, you leave them alone. 3) It's been said a million times on this site, but you have to go NC and stay NC. This is savage hard, but it is a must! Explain to you ex friendship is not an option and that you will not respond to them UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (Ok if a family members of theirs dies then obviously u can't ignore but besides these rare occurrences you have to stay NC at all times). You must not respond to breadcrumbs. When a dumper offers breadcrumbs, it is for their selfish reasons and you now need to take your ex off the high pedestal you put them on..They are putting their needs above yours (the opposite of real love) and any breadcrumb should be seen as a red flag. Not a potential opportunity to get back together. You must not checkup on Facebook/MSN/Twitter. In fact block them from these applications. How many threads have we seen asking the question "should I break NC?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... No contact is about your healing. It is a must to stay NC for 2 months. You have no idea how much you are helping yourself by doing this. 4) Feel your feelings. Don't avoid them. We focus on other people/rebound/over excessive drinking/eating etc etc because we are afraid to focus on our own feelings. Here is a great article on what I am referring to when I say "Feel your feelings" -> http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html 5) Focus on YOU! How many times do we read threads by LS members looking for explanations about their ex's behavior. Eventually it will click that it doesn't matter. What matters is focusing on you and you alone. Going over questions endlessly is pointless as you will never get the clarity you seek. It is also very detrimental to your recovery. Question. You say that real love is putting their needs above your own, but then in the very next point you say keep NC for 2 months no matter what. What if they say "their need" is to talk to you? Just curious. You also say to Focus on yourself, but i feel that kind of contradicts the put their needs above yours. If by putting their needs above yours you mean to just let them go considering the fact that their need is to leave, then i understand. Also, when you say to forgive your ex, do you mean literally say to them that you forgive them or that you just need to forgive them in your own mind? Also i have heard many different definitions of NC, what is yours? If they contact you do you simply reply short and to the point but politely? Or do you prefer literally NC, as in no replying to any attempt of contact they try? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mack05 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 Question. You say that real love is putting their needs above your own, but then in the very next point you say keep NC for 2 months no matter what. What if they say "their need" is to talk to you? Just curious. You also say to Focus on yourself, but i feel that kind of contradicts the put their needs above yours. If by putting their needs above yours you mean to just let them go considering the fact that their need is to leave, then i understand. Also, when you say to forgive your ex, do you mean literally say to them that you forgive them or that you just need to forgive them in your own mind? Also i have heard many different definitions of NC, what is yours? If they contact you do you simply reply short and to the point but politely? Or do you prefer literally NC, as in no replying to any attempt of contact they try? What would a dumper 'need' to talk to you about? Unless its something along the lines of "I made the biggest mistake ever" then there is no reason to talk to your ex. Even then if they did come back with that I would thread with serious caution. They left you once, nothing stopping them from doing it again. If a dumper leaves, you let them leave. If they try you breadcrumbs you ignore them because they are not taking your feelings into account and they are being selfish. Yes they miss you but them throwing out breadcrumbs is very detrimental to your own recovery. To forgive, you forgive in your own mind Link to post Share on other sites
Queen of Hearts 10 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Thank you for the information. But it's just more authors making money. I've read it a hundred different times, in every way under a new book cover. The people on LS are the best most kind hearted souls. They have Loved and lost, and we all pour it out on here. I have found healing here in their writing, as I relate to them in my own pain. As everyone knows me NC is not my way I refuse to repress my feelings. If my Ex-husband doesn't want to hear from me he can change his phone number. Ha Ha Lol ! I accept the pain I get from contacting him. Some is good lately, it is bad so I stay away for awhile. I Love him forever. I will eventually leave him alone when I replace him with a new love in my life. So far I have not found anyone and he will be very hard to replace. I still text him about once a week, weather he answers it or not. I'm a selfish person doing what feels best !! No one is going to sit me on the couch and tell me to sit there ! Really I don't want him back as it would fall apart again, he's to much work ! But I might try !! Lol So don't read my SAD SONG when I post here. That should be coming up pretty soon ! Queen of Hearts 10 Link to post Share on other sites
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