A safe place?

[Snowflower]

It's been a little quiet on the Infidelity forum so I thought I would start a thread. I am usually uncomfortable with starting threads.

 

So, my H "caught" me on LS a couple of weeks ago and was surprised/dismayed as to why I was still visiting here. I made no secret to him that I was a regular here a couple of years ago when I was working through the aftermath of his affair. In the intervening time, however, he and I didn't really discuss it so he was saddened to see I still found it necessary to visit.

 

He asked me why I still was on this site and I thought about it because it was a very good question. I had taken a long breaks from time to time and there was a period of time this summer where I thought I might not be back to LS. Life had gotten very busy for me. And I do more reading than posting now.

 

Finally, it came to me as to why I am still here. LS is a safe place for me to come and read, share and think about that painful time in my life. Sure, I could burden my few friends who know IRL but I don't like to to do that now. And at this "triggery" time of the year for me, I've been hanging around here a bit more. (d-day will be 3 years ago next month)

 

So, why does anyone keep coming back here? Oh, I know it is because there are online friends here (I have a few), or it is good to help others who have been in the same situation as I have been in, etc.

 

But why specifically do you (anyone) keep coming here? For me, LS is that one safe place where my pain is acknowledged, if I choose to share it.

 

I know some will take this as I'm not healed (I'm not, not fully) or that my reconciliation isn't going well (but it is, my H is great!) or that I should divorce because I'm not over it all--but LS is the one place I can come and share what happened because in IRL, it's not something I ever talk about. I think it is like that for a lot of people--LS is a sounding board for thoughts we wouldn't share IRL, in most cases.

 

Thoughts? I'm anxious to hear from those long-time posters who keep coming back or who have left for a time and then returned, even just to read. There are a lot of posters missing from these boards lately but I hope they're still lurking out there...please de-lurk and say hello.

[mzdolphin]

It's not just a safe place, it's like ongoing therapy (without the big bill). His affair may be over, but those feelings will pop up for years. I hope he was understanding.

 

I never believed you beat a WS over the head with their infidelity, but I'm a firm believer in the BS being allowed to deal with this at their pace and in whatever way they know how.

[Spark1111]

Wow, Snowflower, perfect timing for me too!

 

This time of year is triggery for me also, and I too thought of starting a thread today.

 

You are right. This is the one place I return to to share insight, helpful advice (hopefully) and the occasional sad day that still arises.

 

I am convinced today that if I had not reconciled but instead chose to divorce, the five stages I have had to go through would still have been the same; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

 

But I would have had a greater population to share those feelings with IRL, at least for awhile. Reconciling with a cheater is obviously not the popular choice. Many believe if confronted with infidelity in their own marriage, they would walk.

 

LS is a safe place to express those emotions.

 

My H also is often saddened that I still visit here. While I do share with him much of what I write, it still saddens him as he realizes that he is the cause of that need to share.

 

He would like to wish his infidelity right into the corn field. Somedays I wish I could do that too.

 

I heal through reading, writing and discoursing about those feelings. He is more action oriented. It has been one of the toughest parts of our reconciliation, our different paths to healing.

 

Many a WS do not get this; we want to talk to our best friend about all of our feelings. Unfortunately, since they are the source of many a painful one, it causes them sadness and their sadness now causes us pain.

 

Tough cycle to overcome.

[reboot]

Misery loves company?

[PhoenixRise]

Great thread Snowflower

 

I also had an incident some time ago where my H saw me posting on LS and questioned why I still need to do so. He took it to mean that we have not sufficiently dealt with the infidelity.

 

I explained to him that I don't post here that often but one of the things that brings me back is the support and understanding that I gained here when I found LS after dday. Reading here gave me my first inkling that I was not crazy. So I come back from time to time to (hopefully) give that back to others who land here in a world of pain.

 

I also read and post here because the conversation (at least when there is no war actively raging) is usually interesting and there are lots of different perspectives to learn from.

 

AND LS has prompted some really good conversations with my H. He looked back at my posting history and saw that almost everything I posted and even some threads I didn't actively post in had come up in conversations between us.

[serial muse]

It's a really good question...I've been reading and around LS since about 2004; I have been away on long hiatuses, but eventually I'll start reading again. I do think it's probably related to triggers for me...I had a really tough time in the aftermath of my exH's affair, and have struggled to feel able to be happy in new relationships. I had so many, many doubts about myself, and went through several years of deep, clinical depression.

 

And I guess I still struggle with some of these doubts, although my depression has lightened and my thoughts and feelings have evolved, matured...still, the changes wrought by my ex's affair have become a permanent part of me, in both good and bad ways. I try to remember the woman I was before it all happened, and I can't, quite. Even though I'm in a very happy relationship now (we're getting married next month!), and I've worked through so many of my fears about being unlovable and blindsided...I still feel an ache for the loss of something. Innocence, maybe, to be a bit trite.

 

But I think that's why I really come back. Because the people here understand that fundamental change in a way that people in my real life just don't. And sometimes it's a relief to be able to talk about it, or even just read what others who understand have to say.

[MissBee]

It's been a little quiet on the Infidelity forum so I thought I would start a thread. I am usually uncomfortable with starting threads.

 

So, my H "caught" me on LS a couple of weeks ago and was surprised/dismayed as to why I was still visiting here. I made no secret to him that I was a regular here a couple of years ago when I was working through the aftermath of his affair. In the intervening time, however, he and I didn't really discuss it so he was saddened to see I still found it necessary to visit.

 

He asked me why I still was on this site and I thought about it because it was a very good question. I had taken a long breaks from time to time and there was a period of time this summer where I thought I might not be back to LS. Life had gotten very busy for me. And I do more reading than posting now.

 

Finally, it came to me as to why I am still here. LS is a safe place for me to come and read, share and think about that painful time in my life. Sure, I could burden my few friends who know IRL but I don't like to to do that now. And at this "triggery" time of the year for me, I've been hanging around here a bit more. (d-day will be 3 years ago next month)

 

So, why does anyone keep coming back here? Oh, I know it is because there are online friends here (I have a few), or it is good to help others who have been in the same situation as I have been in, etc.

 

But why specifically do you (anyone) keep coming here? For me, LS is that one safe place where my pain is acknowledged, if I choose to share it.

 

I know some will take this as I'm not healed (I'm not, not fully) or that my reconciliation isn't going well (but it is, my H is great!) or that I should divorce because I'm not over it all--but LS is the one place I can come and share what happened because in IRL, it's not something I ever talk about. I think it is like that for a lot of people--LS is a sounding board for thoughts we wouldn't share IRL, in most cases.

 

Thoughts? I'm anxious to hear from those long-time posters who keep coming back or who have left for a time and then returned, even just to read. There are a lot of posters missing from these boards lately but I hope they're still lurking out there...please de-lurk and say hello.

 

Great thread!

 

I initially joined LS in 2009 to help me work through the pain, drama and confusion of a breakup. It was a place to get my feelings out, hear others' opinions, have commiseration, advice and really be free to express myself honestly about that situation without tiring the people around me too much...I too found it a "safe place". (I also participate in other online forums elsewhere about other topics as I generally like discussion).

 

I go through ebbs and flows with LS, and other forums. Sometimes in my life for, whatever reason, I find I use them a lot and other times, I don't login for months at a time. I had stopped visiting LS, just naturally, once I got over my breakup. I would come back periodically to the Breaks & Breaking Up section to give advice from the "other side" and share what I would have liked others to have shared with me then, give encouragement, hope, perspective...just extend a hand to someone in my former position. It also helped me to reflect on where I had come from and my current position (I would sometimes reread my old posts and compare them, be disgusted or in awe of how much they differed from the current...or find new insight and wisdom in them that I hadn't realized I knew at the time).

 

I recently came back to LS on the OW/OM board quite oddly, as I was working through some things in my life and somehow accidentally clicked on it and read a couple threads and could see some of the issues I was dealing with were some of the same others were dealing with (that is the attraction to unavailable partners...and I don't mean this necessarily literally, but the issues I was working through were in regard emotionally unavailable men who were single and my emotional unavailability and latent commitmentphobia that I realized was a theme in my relationship, my stint as an OW, being only ONE form of that same issue) . My stance is that all questionable relationship dealings, affairs or not, have some of the same root causes and also having been in that situation some years ago I wanted to share my experience, my revelations and again help those I saw a bit of myself in and show and tell them things I found helpful to me in my continued personal growth journey. I am sure at some point I will go into an ebb cycle and not be here often....but I also strongly believe that when I feel drawn to be here, it's because maybe someone somewhere, either a lurker or member can benefit from something I'm saying or I need to hear something someone else is saying. I do think me "randomly" venturing to that side of the board when I had been on LS for a while and never noticed it was a for a reason, and likewise as I think about my own future in terms of a ltr/marriage, being here is probably going to be helpful in thinking through some things as well

Edited October 12, 2011 by MissBee

[MissBee]

It's not just a safe place, it's like ongoing therapy (without the big bill). His affair may be over, but those feelings will pop up for years. I hope he was understanding.

 

I never believed you beat a WS over the head with their infidelity, but I'm a firm believer in the BS being allowed to deal with this at their pace and in whatever way they know how.

 

Very true!

 

I post here for myself as much as I post for the benefit of others. I am a work in progress and this helps me keep track of that progress and think through that progress.

[serial muse]

I was going to add that I was away from LS for a long time and came back only recently...and the weird thing is, that it just occurred to me that the thing that brought me back is my upcoming wedding. Once I started the planning in earnest, I also started having mini-panic attacks - it's been many years since I got divorced, and it was a long time before I really contemplated getting married again. I thought I might never want to. I was just afraid of being so hurt again. So...my wedding is, in a weird way, a trigger. (And, I guess, I had really repressed that, because I wouldn't want to confess that to anyone IRL, including my fiance.)

 

OK, that's messed up.

 

So, here I am. A whirling jumble of emotions. :p:love:

 

But thank you, Snowflower, for making this thread, because I honestly hadn't realized that that was triggering me until just now.

Edited October 12, 2011 by serial muse

[Chi townD]

Hell, my thing happened YEARS ago. But, I came through for the better. I got lucky. So, I just offer up advice and try to help people through what I've been through...nothing more than that!

[Snowflower]

All these responses will really give me something to think about.

 

MzDolphin: you're exactly right...it is like ongoing therapy but without the bill and for me, more effective.

 

My H has problems with talking about what he did. I know he feels ashamed and so very sorry that he hurt me. I hate to bring it up because hey, life has moved on and it is an emotionally exhausting conversation. I have to prepare myself for it beforehand.

 

Reboot: lol...you're right...misery loves company!

 

Spark: If I may ask, what would have been the topic of your possible thread? I agree that even if I had divorced, I would have still gone through a lot of the pain I did anyway...maybe more. I think I would have been haunted by what my H did for the rest of my life. I would have missed the life together that was lost.

 

How do you and your H now address your feelings when they come up? I am thinking about writing my H a short letter. It's like I need him to acknowledge his remorse. Not that he doesn't but it is very difficult for him to even talk about his error in judgement/decision that he made.

 

Phoenix: Did you and your H talk about why you still posted on LS? It sounds like he had the same reaction as my H when he saw me on LS.

 

SerialMuse: You were here on LS long before I was but I am glad you're still here. I don't come across your posts very often but when I do, they really strike a chord with me. I think you and I are a lot alike in how we process things.

 

Like you, I went through a fundamental change as a result of my H's infidelity. And it is too subtle for anyone IRL (except possibly my BFF who has known me so long) to really detect. I recognize that fundamental change--and it's hard to define/describe--in pretty much every BS who posts here, whether they stay and reconcile happily, stay in the marriage miserably, or divorce their WS.

 

Maybe the sense that others truly "get it" here is one of the reasons I keep coming back.

 

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I can understand that a wedding would be a huge trigger for you, especially your own. I have not attended a wedding since my H's A. I knew a wedding would be a trigger for me (especially the forsaking all others part of the vows) so I have avoided them. I hope you can work out your triggers so that you can enjoy your special day. If you need a sounding board, I'm here!

 

MissB: I too have read my old threads/posts and it is enlightening to see how far I've come or that I was on the right track all the way along. Forums like these are a good way to open up.

[Spark1111]

Well, there are religious days off for the institution he works for that I had absolutely no knowledge of during his affair. Those days are this month.

 

He always claimed he was going to work, Since we have reconciled, I now know the buildings are closed during these holidays.

 

So where did he go? You guessed it. Her house. She worked for the same institution. So I trigger.

 

I asked him in the course of our conversation, about 5 times, so why did you not just separate from me to pursue your love or lust for her? This was a long time affair. I would have let you go. It would have spared me this humiliation, the constant triggers everywhere, and you could have taken the time HONESTLY to figure out your feelings.

 

Five times he ignored the question.

 

That made me trigger more. I was angry. Even if I suspect I know the answer, I still have a strong need to hear it from the horse's mouth. Not to punish him, just to have one more admitted truth between us so it can be dealt with. I am all about us being as strong as we can be.

 

It is what is not disclosed, that causes me problems. I then perceive him as "weak." That pisses me off even more. I do not want to view him that way. Avoidance got us into this mess. I need it solidly gone from our marriage.

 

It was a conundrum I was thinking of pooring my heart about today in a new thread.

[nofool4u]

Snow, not exactly sure what your story is, but just by reading this thread, it would seem you are the BS no?

 

If that is the case, your H has no business getting upset that you come here and post. He can just suck an egg.

[MilfinBerle]

Next time one of the cheating spouses questions "why are you here," just say "Good point. Spending too much time socializing on the internet. I'm off to hit the bars. Without you." Then grab your purse and do it.

 

That'll learn him to keep his mouth shut.

[MissBee]

Next time one of the cheating spouses questions "why are you here," just say "Good point. Spending too much time socializing on the internet. I'm off to hit the bars. Without you." Then grab your purse and do it.

 

That'll learn him to keep his mouth shut.

 

I suppose if one is trying to reconcile their marriage, such behavior would not be very helpful to that end.

[MilfinBerle]

I suppose if one is trying to reconcile their marriage, such behavior would not be very helpful to that end.

 

I think it would be very helpful.

 

The cheater doesn't have the right to in any way question the betrayed spouse's desire, need, or preference to address what happened by communicating with a supportive community over the internet.

 

That's simply a form of control--it's not really genuine curiosity. The cheater should say "Hey you are posting on Love Shack again? Great!!! I know your friends there have been really helpful to you."

 

The mere fact that the cheater believes they have any right to question that the betrayed spouse wants to post on an infidelity forum means they still have the cheater's "getting over on the betrayed spouse" mentality.

 

It's like spark just said about her cheater lying to her FIVE TIMES concerning the work holidays. And her last sentence in her post seems to indicate her questions have not yet been answered satisfactorily.

 

Cheaters have to know they do not get to make the rules any longer.

[Snowflower]

Snow, not exactly sure what your story is, but just by reading this thread, it would seem you are the BS no?

 

If that is the case, your H has no business getting upset that you come here and post. He can just suck an egg.

 

Yes, I was a BS. I don't think my H was upset as in mad but more sad that I still needed to post here.

 

Next time one of the cheating spouses questions "why are you here," just say "Good point. Spending too much time socializing on the internet. I'm off to hit the bars. Without you." Then grab your purse and do it.

 

That'll learn him to keep his mouth shut.

 

lol, this is funny. I needed this bit of humor, thank you!

 

I did have that thought when he was dismayed (perhaps the best word for his reaction) that I was on LS. I thought, after all that you have put me through...I still need this spot.

[Snowflower]

I think it would be very helpful.

 

The cheater doesn't have the right to in any way question the betrayed spouse's desire, need, or preference to address what happened by communicating with a supportive community over the internet.

 

That's simply a form of control--it's not really genuine curiosity. The cheater should say "Hey you are posting on Love Shack again? Great!!! I know your friends there have been really helpful to you."

 

The mere fact that the cheater believes they have any right to question that the betrayed spouse wants to post on an infidelity forum means they still have the cheater's "getting over on the betrayed spouse" mentality.

 

It's like spark just said about her cheater lying to her FIVE TIMES concerning the work holidays. And her last sentence in her post seems to indicate her questions have not yet been answered satisfactorily.

 

Cheaters have to know they do not get to make the rules any longer.

 

I agree with you 100% and in my case, my H wasn't mad that I was posting on here. He was upset that I still felt I needed to. He was disappointed that after all this time, I still needed this outlet.

 

I think it saddens my H to see that his actions caused me to find a place like LS...even after all this time.

 

If he had told me to quit visiting LS I would have told him where to go. As it is, he has a difficult time understanding and addressing why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I feel quite alone with my pain and LS helps usually.

[MissBee]

I think it would be very helpful.

 

The cheater doesn't have the right to in any way question the betrayed spouse's desire, need, or preference to address what happened by communicating with a supportive community over the internet.

 

That's simply a form of control--it's not really genuine curiosity. The cheater should say "Hey you are posting on Love Shack again? Great!!! I know your friends there have been really helpful to you."

 

The mere fact that the cheater believes they have any right to question that the betrayed spouse wants to post on an infidelity forum means they still have the cheater's "getting over on the betrayed spouse" mentality.

 

It's like spark just said about her cheater lying to her FIVE TIMES concerning the work holidays. And her last sentence in her post seems to indicate her questions have not yet been answered satisfactorily.

 

Cheaters have to know they do not get to make the rules any longer.

 

Very helpful in terms of what?

 

They sure don't have a right to demand the person not seek support....the problem is though, from my purview, is that they're feeling like okay, is this still a problem, have we overcome this or not? I think that is the husband's concern, he seems to want to reconcile and is hoping things are good so is dismayed by what he could see as a sign that maybe his wife is not over it and maybe he feels guilty...

 

With that said, your response about storming off to a bar without them so they know who's boss as the cheater, doesn't resonate with my idea of something constructive to rebuild a marriage but something that causes more strife and upset feelings....just like revenge affairs do.

 

I think a line definitely needs to be drawn between punishing this person and reminding them that they have relinquished their rights and constructive rebuilding....it's tricky though, hence I applaud those who have accomplished that successfully, as I think it would be very hard for me and I'd probably throw the towel in due to my inability to stop punishing.

[Summer Breeze]

I stumbled on this place many years after being a BS and about a year after ending things with xMM.

 

Looking back now I think I know what triggered me to seek out a place like this. My child left home for a job a long ways away. When the child departed in their car, with everything packed up I was crushed. I put on a brave face when I made the sandwiches and packed things for the trip. I didn't cry as the car filled with the 'things' that were from our life. But when that little car pulled away and was out of sight I sank. I physically sank and somehow landed on my front steps. I felt like I had been betrayed all over again. This is not how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to be beside me as our baby grew up. You were supposed to love me through this and into the next step. I had a crisis then. As I do, I got up and got on with things and life resumed quite nicely. The seed was sown though. 20 years earlier had I really screwed things up or was I right.

 

The thing is I'll never know the answer. My child is happy and I've lived a fabulous life. I've loved my xMM in a way I thought I'd never love again. I don't like regrets so I don't worry about them. But I did wonder. I'm still wondering. In all of this I've enjoyed people here and I hope that maybe once in a while I can teach a fraction as much as I've learned.

 

It is an unexpectedly safe place.

[Snowflower]

Well, there are religious days off for the institution he works for that I had absolutely no knowledge of during his affair. Those days are this month.

 

He always claimed he was going to work, Since we have reconciled, I now know the buildings are closed during these holidays.

 

So where did he go? You guessed it. Her house. She worked for the same institution. So I trigger.

 

I asked him in the course of our conversation, about 5 times, so why did you not just separate from me to pursue your love or lust for her? This was a long time affair. I would have let you go. It would have spared me this humiliation, the constant triggers everywhere, and you could have taken the time HONESTLY to figure out your feelings.

 

Five times he ignored the question.

 

That made me trigger more. I was angry. Even if I suspect I know the answer, I still have a strong need to hear it from the horse's mouth. Not to punish him, just to have one more admitted truth between us so it can be dealt with. I am all about us being as strong as we can be.

 

It is what is not disclosed, that causes me problems. I then perceive him as "weak." That pisses me off even more. I do not want to view him that way. Avoidance got us into this mess. I need it solidly gone from our marriage.

 

It was a conundrum I was thinking of pooring my heart about today in a new thread.

 

Spark, I understand and I think I can take a stab at it as one BW to another...this post below sums it up:

 

 

 

It's like spark just said about her cheater lying to her FIVE TIMES concerning the work holidays. And her last sentence in her post seems to indicate her questions have not yet been answered satisfactorily.

 

 

I think perhaps the hardest part for you Spark is that your H has not been able to give you a satisfactory answer for why he had the affair in the first place. When you have asked him directly, he flat out ignores the question, am I right?

 

This is huge for you.

 

I remember I asked my H something similar. When I asked him why he didn't just separate/divorce me when he realized he was so unhappy, he said he didn't want that.

 

Well then my next question was if he liked having me as the loyal wife at home and then his fun and excitement on the side with another woman who obviously really liked him.

 

He would shake his head sadly and say that wasn't it either. I would then get really mad and remind him how I was there begging for our marriage because he would frequently bring up divorce discussions while he was in his yet-unknown-to-me affair and at the same time he also had the OW making plans for the two of them. Hot d*mn, he had two women begging to be with him; an ego trip for any man.

 

He still denied that was his intent or what he wanted. It took a long time for me to get a satisfactory answer out of him.

 

So Spark, my guess is that your H has not been able to satisfactorily explain why he had an affair. Until he does that, you are stuck. Has he been able to explain any of it at all?

 

What does he say when you ask him why he didn't just ask you for a separation/divorce?

 

That has to be so painful, confusing and maddening for you.

[Snowflower]

 

They sure don't have a right to demand the person not seek support....the problem is though, from my purview, is that they're feeling like okay, is this still a problem, have we overcome this or not? I think that is the husband's concern, he seems to want to reconcile and is hoping things are good so is dismayed by what he could see as a sign that maybe his wife is not over it and maybe he feels guilty...

 

 

Yep, you're right on target here. When my H was dismayed that I was still here on LS, I felt like well yeah, I'm not over it. I never said I was...duh!

 

I think he gets worried about our progress and where we are.

[Snowflower]

I stumbled on this place many years after being a BS and about a year after ending things with xMM.

 

Looking back now I think I know what triggered me to seek out a place like this. My child left home for a job a long ways away. When the child departed in their car, with everything packed up I was crushed. I put on a brave face when I made the sandwiches and packed things for the trip. I didn't cry as the car filled with the 'things' that were from our life. But when that little car pulled away and was out of sight I sank. I physically sank and somehow landed on my front steps. I felt like I had been betrayed all over again. This is not how it was supposed to be. You were supposed to be beside me as our baby grew up. You were supposed to love me through this and into the next step. I had a crisis then. As I do, I got up and got on with things and life resumed quite nicely. The seed was sown though. 20 years earlier had I really screwed things up or was I right.

 

The thing is I'll never know the answer. My child is happy and I've lived a fabulous life. I've loved my xMM in a way I thought I'd never love again. I don't like regrets so I don't worry about them. But I did wonder. I'm still wondering. In all of this I've enjoyed people here and I hope that maybe once in a while I can teach a fraction as much as I've learned.

 

It is an unexpectedly safe place.

 

Your reaction to your child leaving home is a perfectly natural response to a chapter in your life closing. And perhaps it was time for you to look back at the marriage which created your child and family which was once again being split up. I understand, I really do.

[PhoenixRise]

Snowflower

 

My husband and I did talk about his reaction to seeing me post and all the reasons I still post.

 

At the heart of it, seeing me post here triggered some guilt from him. Our relationship is really good now but he started to wonder if I really felt good about us and if I had really forgiven him for the affair. AND seeing me post at LS again reminded him of the man he was during the affair, a man he is not proud of being.

 

I told him that I come back here mainly to help others who land here in pain and because I enjoy reading the different perspectives. He knows my username and he is welcome to read here whenever he wants.

[serial muse]

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I can understand that a wedding would be a huge trigger for you, especially your own. I have not attended a wedding since my H's A. I knew a wedding would be a trigger for me (especially the forsaking all others part of the vows) so I have avoided them. I hope you can work out your triggers so that you can enjoy your special day. If you need a sounding board, I'm here!

 

Thank you! (I got a little teary-eyed; there should be an emoticon for that.)

 

It honestly was quite a revelation to me today to realize what's going on with me...that in addition to joy, I'm scared. Being able to put my finger on that has a calming effect, though...I can now put a name to my fear.

 

So...yep, this is why I still come here from time to time after all these years.