A safe place?

[Spark1111]

Snowflower

 

My husband and I did talk about his reaction to seeing me post and all the reasons I still post.

 

At the heart of it, seeing me post here triggered some guilt from him. Our relationship is really good now but he started to wonder if I really felt good about us and if I had really forgiven him for the affair. AND seeing me post at LS again reminded him of the man he was during the affair, a man he is not proud of being.

 

I told him that I come back here mainly to help others who land here in pain and because I enjoy reading the different perspectives. He knows my username and he is welcome to read here whenever he wants.

 

I have the same scenario in my home. My H is free to read whatever I post. It saddens him that I continue to do so at times when it triggers in him the man he use to be during his affair.

[Spark1111]

Spark, I understand and I think I can take a stab at it as one BW to another...this post below sums it up:

 

 

 

I think perhaps the hardest part for you Spark is that your H has not been able to give you a satisfactory answer for why he had the affair in the first place. When you have asked him directly, he flat out ignores the question, am I right?

 

This is huge for you.

 

I remember I asked my H something similar. When I asked him why he didn't just separate/divorce me when he realized he was so unhappy, he said he didn't want that.

 

Well then my next question was if he liked having me as the loyal wife at home and then his fun and excitement on the side with another woman who obviously really liked him.

 

He would shake his head sadly and say that wasn't it either. I would then get really mad and remind him how I was there begging for our marriage because he would frequently bring up divorce discussions while he was in his yet-unknown-to-me affair and at the same time he also had the OW making plans for the two of them. Hot d*mn, he had two women begging to be with him; an ego trip for any man.

 

He still denied that was his intent or what he wanted. It took a long time for me to get a satisfactory answer out of him.

 

So Spark, my guess is that your H has not been able to satisfactorily explain why he had an affair. Until he does that, you are stuck. Has he been able to explain any of it at all?

 

What does he say when you ask him why he didn't just ask you for a separation/divorce?

 

That has to be so painful, confusing and maddening for you.

 

Oh no, maybe I was unclear. I do know the many reasons why he had the affair. I think he needed to dig a little harder in FOO (Family of origin issues) but I am satisfied with most of his answers....and they were a long time coming.

 

Yesterday, while talking, I asked him why didn't he separate from me? and it was ignored, but we still stayed on topic of the affair.

 

He has honestly admitted he wanted us both; he has honestly admitted how conflicted and confused he was about it; he has honestly admitted he told her he wanted a future with her, but never felt it in his heart.

 

He has honestly admitted he got involved, developed feelings, and as those feelings started to diminish and he was beginning to realize what a mistake he had made, he did not have the courage to tell her or know how to end it as her feelings were ramping up. She DID want, and somewhat started to expect, a future with him.

 

It was very cowardly I know, and that bothers me too.

 

She also made him feel like a successful, important, big shot, something he needed to feel after having been sick and jobless for so long. And that worked for her too; there were lots of nice gifts and trips and posturing on her behalf. That made him feel more like the big shot she told him he was.

 

But again, I asked a total of five times, why didn't you just ask me for a separation? And the subject was changed.

 

So is that his version of "No, it wasn't that either" with a sideways glance?

 

Maybe, but still, I want an answer, even if it is essentially, "I was the typical, mid-life crisising cake-eater and I took advantage of your love and trust Spark, while I pursued and preyed on a lonely, D woman who hoped I would rescue her from her life, but even after I knew I wouldn't do that, I kept pretending I might cuz she made me feel good about myself."

 

Real honest to God, brutal, from your soul truth, you KWIM Snow?

[anne1707]

I have the same scenario in my home. My H is free to read whatever I post. It saddens him that I continue to do so at times when it triggers in him the man he use to be during his affair.

 

As a fWS who still posts on LS, when I see a post from a BS that really hits home and reminds me of what I did and the pain I caused my H, I look upon that as "just desserts" in some ways. If I feel pain when I read a post here, it will still never compare to the pain my H felt. This is not about me living in guilt and shame but it reminds me how important it is not to take our marriage for granted and to not let the communication between us fail as it had in the past.

[MilfinBerle]

But again, I asked a total of five times, why didn't you just ask me for a separation? And the subject was changed.

 

So is that his version of "No, it wasn't that either" with a sideways glance?

 

Based on your post there's really only one realistic answer to this question, which would also explain why he doesn't want to tell you what it is.

 

The answer is, he never asked you for a separation because he never had any intention of separating from you. He never had any intention of doing anything with his OW other than having his sex/fantasy affair with her. Yes he may have told her all kinds of stuff about "love" and their "future" together but it was all lies.

 

The conclusion is that he was going to keep screwing her, and screwing around on you, until he got bored of her, or found someone new to have an affair with, only his master plan didn't work because you found out about it.

 

This also implies that he has done the same thing--had other affairs with other OW in the past--that you have never found out about and if he has his way you will never find out about.

 

Your cheater actually sounds like something of a "sport f*cker" and it's doubtful the affair you know about is the only one he's ever had.

 

Your h is still lying to you, concealing from you, and therefore disrespecting you. He won't answer a perfectly reasonable question five times???? Ridiculous.

[SidLyon]

Snowflower

 

My husband and I did talk about his reaction to seeing me post and all the reasons I still post.

 

At the heart of it, seeing me post here triggered some guilt from him. Our relationship is really good now but he started to wonder if I really felt good about us and if I had really forgiven him for the affair. AND seeing me post at LS again reminded him of the man he was during the affair, a man he is not proud of being.

 

I told him that I come back here mainly to help others who land here in pain and because I enjoy reading the different perspectives. He knows my username and he is welcome to read here whenever he wants.

 

My H also knows I post here, knows my username and doesn't really like that I do. I don't know if he ever reads but I suspect not as he would find it painful.

 

I read here and on the OW/OM forum and sometimes go through a spate of posting like the last day or so and other times don't feel inclined to post. I find posting therapeutic for myself. It's a bit like having a diary that responds back to you, but it's nice to know there are real people with real opinions and feelings on the other end.

 

Based on your post there's really only one realistic answer to this question, which would also explain why he doesn't want to tell you what it is.

 

The answer is, he never asked you for a separation because he never had any intention of separating from you. He never had any intention of doing anything with his OW other than having his sex/fantasy affair with her. Yes he may have told her all kinds of stuff about "love" and their "future" together but it was all lies.

 

The conclusion is that he was going to keep screwing her, and screwing around on you, until he got bored of her, or found someone new to have an affair with, only his master plan didn't work because you found out about it.

 

This also implies that he has done the same thing--had other affairs with other OW in the past--that you have never found out about and if he has his way you will never find out about.

 

Your cheater actually sounds like something of a "sport f*cker" and it's doubtful the affair you know about is the only one he's ever had.

 

Your h is still lying to you, concealing from you, and therefore disrespecting you. He won't answer a perfectly reasonable question five times???? Ridiculous.

 

Wow that is worrying for me (I can't speak for Spark). While it makes me feel uncomfortable I have to admit there is a ring of plausibility in what you say.

 

I know we are not supposed to comment on usernames but unless they are your initials, you have chosen a rather unfortunate one.

[Spark1111]

Based on your post there's really only one realistic answer to this question, which would also explain why he doesn't want to tell you what it is.

 

The answer is, he never asked you for a separation because he never had any intention of separating from you. He never had any intention of doing anything with his OW other than having his sex/fantasy affair with her. Yes he may have told her all kinds of stuff about "love" and their "future" together but it was all lies.

 

The conclusion is that he was going to keep screwing her, and screwing around on you, until he got bored of her, or found someone new to have an affair with, only his master plan didn't work because you found out about it.

 

This also implies that he has done the same thing--had other affairs with other OW in the past--that you have never found out about and if he has his way you will never find out about.

 

Your cheater actually sounds like something of a "sport f*cker" and it's doubtful the affair you know about is the only one he's ever had.

 

Your h is still lying to you, concealing from you, and therefore disrespecting you. He won't answer a perfectly reasonable question five times???? Ridiculous.

 

Ok. I'll take the bait. Could be. Who knows?

 

I have known him since he was 17. I was 15. We are childhood sweethearts. Like I said, could be, who knows?

 

I think he was depressed, severely "fractured," (his words, not mine). He thought no one, not even me, loved him, only tolerated him. Again, his words, not mine.

 

Would a sport f##ker become suicidal after Dday? I think not, but again, I could be wrong.

 

Did I see massive confusion? Depression? You bet I did.

 

Did I see someone who loves to screw women for sport? No, I did not. He developed feelings for his OW. He was such a mess at DDay, I was scared. Not for me. I will always survive and prosper. For him. I was scared for him, despite my pain and anger and devastation at his betrayal.

 

I TRULY thought he was about to leave the planet at his own hands. I knew him since we were kids. ON this thought? Yeah, I let my instincts guide me and I know, in retrospect, I was right on the money.

[Snowflower]

So is that his version of "No, it wasn't that either" with a sideways glance?

 

Maybe, but still, I want an answer, even if it is essentially, "I was the typical, mid-life crisising cake-eater and I took advantage of your love and trust Spark, while I pursued and preyed on a lonely, D woman who hoped I would rescue her from her life, but even after I knew I wouldn't do that, I kept pretending I might cuz she made me feel good about myself."

 

Real honest to God, brutal, from your soul truth, you KWIM Snow?

 

I do KWYM!

 

Perhaps your H cannot admit the answer to himself, much less you. He is ashamed and cannot even recognize that man who hurt two women so badly. In a way, perhaps he feels it was almost another person who did that.

 

My H said that the time during his affair was the worst time of his life and that he didn't even know who he was or what he was doing. It is inconceivable to me to have become that distanced from yourself. Sure, I've done things I wished I hadn't or realized later were really stupid or even a little mean. But, I always recognized myself when I looked back on my behavior. But to do something and not recognize myself which is what my H has said--he doesn't even recognize that guy--who he was during the affair is so hard for me to understand.

 

I remember not recognizing my H during that time either. He looked like the man I had loved for almost 19 years at that time but his words and actions were someone different.

 

IDK, I'm rambling and I'm no longer sure of the point I was trying to make! Spark, maybe your H will never be able to tell you why he did some of things he did. I know, it's hard.

 

As for me, it's time for another talk with my H. It's become very difficult for my H and I to communicate about his A lately. Sigh. I'm envious of you, Spark, Phoenix, and others who can talk so openly about the A. For me especially, it is a stumbling block.

 

I think that was the point of this thread, at least for me.

[reboot]

C'mon Sparks, you couldn't possibly know your husband better than the Hydra.

[MilfinBerle]

C'mon Sparks, you couldn't possibly know your husband better than the Hydra.

 

Don't know who "hydra" is but she was blind sided by his cheating and therefore didn't know him as well as she thinks.

 

He's still withholding the answers she wants about certain issues so, no, she doesn't know him as well as she thinks.

 

She's frustrated because she insists on seeing her cheating husband as some kind of a fragile potentially suicidal basket case rather than as the manipulative, lying cheater that he actually is.

 

She should have kicked him out the FIRST time he wouldn't give a straight answer to her question, not let him evade it FIVE times with zero real consequences.

[MilfinBerle]

Ok. I'll take the bait. Could be. Who knows?

 

You know. You know he's still not telling you the truth because you yourself posted it. You're right, maybe he did intend to fly the coop with his OW but wanted to do it on his own schedule. He couldn't when you busted him. Maybe he can't give you the real answer: "Spark that's exactly what I was planning on doing but I wanted to maneuver the situation so that I could blame you for the break up of the marriage, and THEN shack up with my OW."

 

You don't really need to know the "real" reason though--cheaters do whatever they feel like doing--because you know he's still hiding stuff about his feelings and affairs and still doesn't respect you enough to even try to give you an answer.

 

 

 

I have known him since he was 17. I was 15. We are childhood sweethearts. Like I said, could be, who knows?

 

If you took such a blase attitude then why did you ask him five times and then become so upset when he wouldn't answer you? If you don't care then drop the subject with him and leave him alone about it. And if you don't care don't post about it either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think he was depressed, severely "fractured," (his words, not mine). He thought no one, not even me, loved him, only tolerated him. Again, his words, not mine.

 

Well he knew he was cheating on you so obviously why would he believe you would still love him? If it's "his words" then it's just more lies, manipulation, and blame shifting by a cheater. He cheated because YOU "don't love me" oh boo hoo hoo Mr. Spark, poor little fella.

 

 

Would a sport f##ker become suicidal after Dday? I think not, but again, I could be wrong.

 

after D day, as in, after getting caught??? Why does it strike you as surprising that a dirty lying cheater who got caught wouldn't get seriously depressed? That's an obvious reaction to getting caught.

 

 

 

 

Did I see massive confusion? Depression? You bet I did.

 

He was a confused, depressed, lying, cheater. I'm not sure what the point is though. It actually sounds like you're trying to make excuses for his behavior.

 

Is he depressed now? Is he confused now? Even if he is, how does lying/concealing info from you help him with his confusion and depression?

 

 

 

 

Did I see someone who loves to screw women for sport? No, I did not. He developed feelings for his OW.

 

You don't know what his "feelings" for the OW were since you're not him. Again you just want to make excuses for Mr. Spark, somehow he is "better" than other cheaters because he had "feelings" for the OW.

 

 

 

 

He was such a mess at DDay, I was scared. Not for me. I will always survive and prosper. For him. I was scared for him, despite my pain and anger and devastation at his betrayal.

 

Cheaters are very good at manipulation esp. when caught and they will pretend to be an injured bird with a broken wing if it gets them the victim's sympathy.

 

 

 

I TRULY thought he was about to leave the planet at his own hands.

 

So then I assume you had him committed to a psychiatric hospital for suicidal threats? If so what was the diagnosis? If he is mentally ill that's a different story.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I knew him since we were kids.

 

No, you only thought you knew him. This guy has probably been cheating on you with one woman or another since you were teenagers.

 

This is probably what he's hiding. He knows once he starts telling the real truth he won't be able to stop the confession.

 

 

 

ON this thought? Yeah, I let my instincts guide me and I know, in retrospect, I was right on the money.

 

Except for the fact that he was cheating on you. And he's still lying to you and you don't know why. Other than that your instincts are wonderful.

[anne1707]

Except for the fact that he was cheating on you. And he's still lying to you and you don't know why. Other than that your instincts are wonderful.

 

Apart from the rest of your post being offensive, rude and inappropriate, what on earth makes you think you know someone else's situation better than they do? What gives you the right to attack someone like this? Is it because you cannot cope with the fact that some find it in them to stay with their fWS and make their marriage work? Can you not understand that people can be happy together even after an affair? Why the need to undermine someone whose views differ to yours?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note to self: stop ranting when it will achieve nothing

[MilfinBerle]

To the ladies on the thread who have been cheated on in long term relationships yet gotten no satisfactory explanation as to the "why" of it:

 

 

--It is as simple as this. This is not intended to hurt your feelings. I am not myself a cheater but this is how it feels:

 

You go to the same restaurant and have the same tuna salad platter for lunch every day for 20 years. Every day. Sometimes the guy puts a fancy pickle on it; sometimes a different waitress serves it; sometimes you have a coke instead of a pepsi with it; but it's the same thing every day. Every single day.

 

This might be the BEST TUNA SALAD in the world. But....everyday for 20 years.

 

 

Then, one day, you look out the window of the restaurant across the street. There's a new restaurant which just opened up in town. They have a big red banner which says: "Special!!! We serve the BEST TUNA SALAD ON THE PLANET!!!"

 

And that spikes your curiosity but you keep going back to the same ol same ol.

 

But every day you see that red banner and you get curious.

 

And one day you decide you have to try it.

 

So you sneak over to the new restaurant and you're all excited that you're finally going to get the new tuna salad, and it's going to be better than the best. But you're paranoid that the first restaurant will find out you're sneaking to another restaurant on the side. But that just makes it more exciting and the anticipation builds.

 

 

So you finally sneak to the new restaurant and order the new tuna salad.

 

And you eat that new tuna salad. And for some guys it's no better than the old place. So they try it once or twice and then go back to the old place.

 

And for other guys it IS better than the old place. So they keep going back. But to keep up appearances sometimes they have to go to both places and eat TWO lunches every day.

 

But ultimately if they go to the new place long enough, it turns into the old place.

 

And you're right back where you started.

[PhoenixRise]

I do KWYM!

 

Perhaps your H cannot admit the answer to himself, much less you. He is ashamed and cannot even recognize that man who hurt two women so badly. In a way, perhaps he feels it was almost another person who did that.

 

My H said that the time during his affair was the worst time of his life and that he didn't even know who he was or what he was doing. It is inconceivable to me to have become that distanced from yourself. Sure, I've done things I wished I hadn't or realized later were really stupid or even a little mean. But, I always recognized myself when I looked back on my behavior. But to do something and not recognize myself which is what my H has said--he doesn't even recognize that guy--who he was during the affair is so hard for me to understand.

 

I remember not recognizing my H during that time either. He looked like the man I had loved for almost 19 years at that time but his words and actions were someone different.

 

IDK, I'm rambling and I'm no longer sure of the point I was trying to make! Spark, maybe your H will never be able to tell you why he did some of things he did. I know, it's hard.

 

As for me, it's time for another talk with my H. It's become very difficult for my H and I to communicate about his A lately. Sigh. I'm envious of you, Spark, Phoenix, and others who can talk so openly about the A. For me especially, it is a stumbling block.

 

I think that was the point of this thread, at least for me.

 

 

Snowflower

 

I wish you the best and hope that your talk with your husband is everything you need it to be.

 

Yes my husband and I talk about the affair but please don't think it is easy. It is not. At least not in my case. As you can imagine it is not my husband's favorite subject. But I insist on openness, and it takes some self examination on my part to make sure that I am not being placated or satisfied by answers that confirm his love and devotion to me NOW but don't necessarily fully answer the issue I am addressing.

 

Because up until we started to deal with the issues around the infidelity, my husband had very little practice at self examination. I finally realized (in MC) that sometimes he gave what he thought was really honest answers to my questions but for me, they didn't go nearly deep enough. So he is having to learn to dig deeper.

 

It is not easy. It is getting easier all the time. But it takes lots and lots of practice.

[MilfinBerle]

Apart from the rest of your post being offensive, rude and inappropriate,

 

None of the above is true and you know it.

 

 

what on earth makes you think you know someone else's situation better than they do?

 

Where did I say that? Her husband cheated on her, lied to her, and is still hiding info from her and not answering her questions--which is why she posted it.

 

Therefore her instincts are NOT wonderful. They are ineffectual. They didn't protect her against getting cheated on, and they haven't led her to be able to know what he is hiding from her, nor figure out a way to persuade him to divulge his secrets to her. Those aren't good instincts. Those are very very bad instincts.

 

 

 

 

What gives you the right to attack someone like this?

 

The only attacking is being done by you, against me. But then you're a cheater yourself, aren't you?

 

 

Is it because you cannot cope with the fact that some find it in them to stay with their fWS and make their marriage work?

 

She's not making it work. Her marriage isn't working. Her cheating spouse is still withholding information from her. Still disrespecting her. Of course that's the same sort of "reconciliation" you probably have with your own spouse--the cheater sets the boundaries of how far the information disclosure should go, and if the betrayed doesn't like it--too bad.

 

All you're doing is defending her cheating spouse against his bad behavior. No surprise there.

 

 

Can you not understand that people can be happy together even after an affair?

 

I can understand but Spark is not one of those people, obviously. Instead she is very unhappy and frustrated. Pretending otherwise for "show" or out of ego concerns doesn't change that fact.

 

 

 

Why the need to undermine someone whose views differ to yours?

 

Why the need to attack someone just because you empathize with Spark's cheating spouse who wants to sweep things under the rug?

 

I didn't lie to Spark. I told her the truth. I didn't cheat on her. Her husband did. And he's still lying to her.

 

 

 

Note to self: stop ranting when it will achieve nothing

 

That's ok, it's illustrative of the half-reformed rug sweeping cheater's mindset. You're probably just like Spark's h, actually.

[Spark1111]

To the ladies on the thread who have been cheated on in long term relationships yet gotten no satisfactory explanation as to the "why" of it:

 

 

--It is as simple as this. This is not intended to hurt your feelings. I am not myself a cheater but this is how it feels:

 

You go to the same restaurant and have the same tuna salad platter for lunch every day for 20 years. Every day. Sometimes the guy puts a fancy pickle on it; sometimes a different waitress serves it; sometimes you have a coke instead of a pepsi with it; but it's the same thing every day. Every single day.

 

This might be the BEST TUNA SALAD in the world. But....everyday for 20 years.

 

 

Then, one day, you look out the window of the restaurant across the street. There's a new restaurant which just opened up in town. They have a big red banner which says: "Special!!! We serve the BEST TUNA SALAD ON THE PLANET!!!"

 

And that spikes your curiosity but you keep going back to the same ol same ol.

 

But every day you see that red banner and you get curious.

 

And one day you decide you have to try it.

 

So you sneak over to the new restaurant and you're all excited that you're finally going to get the new tuna salad, and it's going to be better than the best. But you're paranoid that the first restaurant will find out you're sneaking to another restaurant on the side. But that just makes it more exciting and the anticipation builds.

 

 

So you finally sneak to the new restaurant and order the new tuna salad.

 

And you eat that new tuna salad. And for some guys it's no better than the old place. So they try it once or twice and then go back to the old place.

 

And for other guys it IS better than the old place. So they keep going back. But to keep up appearances sometimes they have to go to both places and eat TWO lunches every day.

 

But ultimately if they go to the new place long enough, it turns into the old place.

 

And you're right back where you started.

 

hahaha Milfin....you are obviously a man... I still like your analogy, and this may come as a big surprise to you....but many women feel the same way.

 

Are we just better at understanding the larger picture: family, children, reputation, legacy?

 

How sad. Tuna salad across the street seems amazing. We usually are better at talking ourselves out of sampling it.

[Spark1111]

None of the above is true and you know it.

 

 

 

 

Where did I say that? Her husband cheated on her, lied to her, and is still hiding info from her and not answering her questions--which is why she posted it.

 

Therefore her instincts are NOT wonderful. They are ineffectual. They didn't protect her against getting cheated on, and they haven't led her to be able to know what he is hiding from her, nor figure out a way to persuade him to divulge his secrets to her. Those aren't good instincts. Those are very very bad instincts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only attacking is being done by you, against me. But then you're a cheater yourself, aren't you?

 

 

 

 

She's not making it work. Her marriage isn't working. Her cheating spouse is still withholding information from her. Still disrespecting her. Of course that's the same sort of "reconciliation" you probably have with your own spouse--the cheater sets the boundaries of how far the information disclosure should go, and if the betrayed doesn't like it--too bad.

 

All you're doing is defending her cheating spouse against his bad behavior. No surprise there.

 

 

 

 

I can understand but Spark is not one of those people, obviously. Instead she is very unhappy and frustrated. Pretending otherwise for "show" or out of ego concerns doesn't change that fact.

 

 

 

 

 

Why the need to attack someone just because you empathize with Spark's cheating spouse who wants to sweep things under the rug?

 

I didn't lie to Spark. I told her the truth. I didn't cheat on her. Her husband did. And he's still lying to her.

 

 

 

 

 

That's ok, it's illustrative of the half-reformed rug sweeping cheater's mindset. You're probably just like Spark's h, actually.

 

Ok. My instincts are terrible. My FWS is a lying, cheating manipulative, rug-sweeping, refuses to disclose, serial cheater.

 

Jeez, I'm happy with him. Something must be seriously wrong with me!

 

You win. Happy now?

 

Anne1707, you are a doll and everyone at LS respects you. Thanks for sticking up for this self-deluded BS! You are the best.

[Spark1111]

Snowflower

 

I wish you the best and hope that your talk with your husband is everything you need it to be.

 

Yes my husband and I talk about the affair but please don't think it is easy. It is not. At least not in my case. As you can imagine it is not my husband's favorite subject. But I insist on openness, and it takes some self examination on my part to make sure that I am not being placated or satisfied by answers that confirm his love and devotion to me NOW but don't necessarily fully answer the issue I am addressing.

 

Because up until we started to deal with the issues around the infidelity, my husband had very little practice at self examination. I finally realized (in MC) that sometimes he gave what he thought was really honest answers to my questions but for me, they didn't go nearly deep enough. So he is having to learn to dig deeper.

 

It is not easy. It is getting easier all the time. But it takes lots and lots of practice.

 

Snow, everything Phoenix writes is the gospel truth! Always was....always will be....a wise, wise, woman.

 

In the earlier days, I would write him an email and ask him to respond...it was easier for he and I to discuss the affair that way.

 

I would give what I thought was a reasonable amount of time to answer after I had told him there was an email, please read it and respond?! (three, four, five days?) and then I would reiterate, I haven't received a response yet Did you even read it yet?

 

Well he had always read it....responding was a much harder endeavor. I had to grow a little exasperated. He was soooooo reluctant to do what I needed him to do....go back there.

 

Good luck to you. I know how hard this all is. But I did need to re-visit. Hell, I still do. And it has been so hard to make them understand that. It is NOT unusual for the WS to be so over it, waaaaay before we are.

 

YOU are still healing. Try to get whatever you need from him for as long as you need it.

[Spark1111]

Misery loves company?

 

That's true reboot! But MISERY loves happiness even more, as I have seen you have noticed!

[anne1707]

Anne1707, you are a doll and everyone at LS respects you. Thanks for sticking up for this self-deluded BS! You are the best.

 

My pleasure Spark and thank you :)

[seren]

So, why does anyone keep coming back here? Oh, I know it is because there are online friends here (I have a few), or it is good to help others who have been in the same situation as I have been in, etc.

 

But why specifically do you (anyone) keep coming here? For me, LS is that one safe place where my pain is acknowledged, if I choose to share it.

 

I come here because after D Day I wanted to get out there how I felt, I also needed to better understand A's and to see how other's coped and managed their feelings. I continue to come here as over the years I have not so much made friends with people on LS, but I feel I have had a window into their world. Very often the feelings and emotions are those that we don't show to others and LS becomes a safe place to get it out there. I also see the same story played out over and over again and try, where I feel I can, to offer some support.

 

The tuna analogy, while clever, didn't make a deal of sense to me. I could say that what if the person eating the Special Tuna Salad knew that eating it would be harmful to themselves and others? Would they still go ahead and eat that Tuna? I drive a classic car, I have driven the same kind of classic car since I passed my driving test eons ago. Over the years I have got used to its quirks, I know it hates early mornings and cold weather, I know that the bodywork could do with so fixing, that changing gears can be difficult at times as it has a mind of its own, I know that the nick in the back seat is from when my son managed to catch a baby shoe buckle on it and that, at times, I get a bumpy ride as the suspension is not as good as newer models. BUT, I love that car, wouldn't swap it for a newer model, it has a lifetime of memories tied up in it, each dink and dent has a story. I don't loan out my car to just anyone, it is far too precious to me, those that are allowed to drive it know they have to take care of it and that if anything happened to it, it would hurt me, a lot.

 

But I would get over it, I would ensure it went to the best garage for repair, no matter how long it took, I would know that it had been repaired, I might miss the dinks and dents, but I would still love it for all that it stood for. Sure I might look at other, newer models, but if it meant giving up my car, no way!

 

I don't think that anyone ever totally gets over the hurt betrayal brings into a marriage and of course we all get triggers. It is what we do with these feelings that matters. My H knows I post on LS, I have shared some posts with him, and of course he hates anything that reminds him of what he did to us and what the A did to him.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't feel or show remorse, he knows that October is a bad month for triggers for me, but suprisingly, to me at least, this year I am pretty indifferent to it, I have acknowledeged that the A happened, H and I have spoken about how I am feeling and how he is feeling, but there have been no histronics, no tears and instead of thinking 4 years ago was D Day, I think that look how far we have come and that I am dammed happy.

 

We all deal with our feelings differently and often others attach meaning to what we write which isn't what we meant. Only we are aware of our reality, LS is, or, should I say can be a safe place, I have had wonderful support over the years from BS, WS and OW/OM it is the careful, thoughtful posts that help, those that are put out here simply to take potshots, gloat or the same old are pointless and hurtful, when I share those with H he is incredulous that people actually think this way. But, this is the internet and people often say things they would never do IRL, that is why I come back.

[Snowflower]

Thanks for all the responses...especially to you Phoenix and Spark who shared your experiences with communicating with your WS when perhaps the A isn't so fresh. I thought it was something that was going awry in my communication pattern with my H but I am realizing that this is normal-thanks to you guys- and it isn't easy for either of us to talk about this. In the early days/weeks/months it was easier because it was all-consuming for us. Now, life has changed dramatically for us (a good thing) and we are busy and honestly, our life bears little resemblance to our life together immediately before, during and even after his affair. So maybe all these changes are what make it so difficult to go back in time and talk about it now.

 

As it is, my H and I did spend some time talking about it last night. He admits that he has forgotten, willingly so, a lot of the details of that time and TBH, so have I. I don't recall every word of every single painful conversation he and had when he told me he wanted a divorce, for example. But there are still a lot of painful memories.

 

Anyway, thanks to all of you who responded, even Milfin who offered his clever story about the tuna salad! Analogies like that can sometimes explain what is going on in a much less painful way. I'll think on that story a bit.

 

As for the harsh responses toward Spark, as the OP of this thread, can I ask for those to stop? Direct them at me if you wish since I started the thread. Spark was trying to help and she shared some of her painful journey. I also will go out on a limb and say that those pointed (harsh?) questions that were asked of Spark and the assumptions made are questions that many BS have probably asked themselves many times. BS's aren't usually in denial or in the dark about realities of their marriages or their lives.

Edited October 14, 2011 by Snowflower

[Snowflower]

 

I come here because after D Day I wanted to get out there how I felt, I also needed to better understand A's and to see how other's coped and managed their feelings. I continue to come here as over the years I have not so much made friends with people on LS, but I feel I have had a window into their world. Very often the feelings and emotions are those that we don't show to others and LS becomes a safe place to get it out there. I also see the same story played out over and over again and try, where I feel I can, to offer some support.

 

-snip-

 

I don't think that anyone ever totally gets over the hurt betrayal brings into a marriage and of course we all get triggers. It is what we do with these feelings that matters. My H knows I post on LS, I have shared some posts with him, and of course he hates anything that reminds him of what he did to us and what the A did to him.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't feel or show remorse, he knows that October is a bad month for triggers for me, but suprisingly, to me at least, this year I am pretty indifferent to it, I have acknowledeged that the A happened, H and I have spoken about how I am feeling and how he is feeling, but there have been no histronics, no tears and instead of thinking 4 years ago was D Day, I think that look how far we have come and that I am dammed happy.

 

We all deal with our feelings differently and often others attach meaning to what we write which isn't what we meant. Only we are aware of our reality, LS is, or, should I say can be a safe place, I have had wonderful support over the years from BS, WS and OW/OM it is the careful, thoughtful posts that help, those that are put out here simply to take potshots, gloat or the same old are pointless and hurtful, when I share those with H he is incredulous that people actually think this way. But, this is the internet and people often say things they would never do IRL, that is why I come back.

 

Thanks for the post, seren. Your words here capture the spirit of what I was trying to say in my OP.

 

What is it with October, anyway? Lots of past d-days in October, it seems! Mine was November...but I can feel it creeping up and hopefully I will get through this now and November will be good.

 

(((hugs to all)))