JoeyHurting81 Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I've been currently separated from my wife for 7 weeks. At first I did the whole begging her to take me back thing. Obviously that didn't work. Then I started going to a counselor and reading everything I can get my hands on. A book called "The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner-Davis has helped me tremendously. As part of the "Last Resort method," I have refrained from saying I love you to my wife. However, the past couple weeks, she has said I love you to me on several occasions. So, here's my question: I know that I wasn't supposed to say I love you because it would just a reminder that she doesn't feel the same. But now she's saying it! Any thoughts on where this might be heading? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Why did you separate? Presumably it was her idea, since you begged for her back at first. If she wants separation then give it to her. Do not contact her, do not talk to her, NOTHING. Do not accept any crappy breadcrumbs. Do not accept anything other than "I love you and I want to give it another go, can you move back in today?" Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Backstory In essence, since she initiated the separation, she 'dumped' you. With 'dumping' comes consequences. Pushing the affection button with an ILY to get free emotional support is not a consequence. What's your plan for reconciliation, presuming that's what you want? What are the specific steps she must take to respect your boundaries and desires for a healthier M? Lastly, what is your specific agreement about monogamy during the separation? All these things should be communicated. You mentioned in the linked thread that you've had some 'issues' of your own. Perhaps a good middle ground would be working on those in MC with her. How do you feel about that? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 OK just read the other thread. She was sitting on your lap and kissed you in a bar when she said she loves you the other day? And what did you do after that? Just leave to your own respective places? Why didn't you say something along the lines of, well if you love me then we can work things out, I'll go get my toothbrush, see you at the house in 5 minutes for some fantastic make-up sex? She is playing you like a puppet dude and you are just letting her. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Admittedly, the bar would've been a great time and place for the 'your place or mine' flirt. This aligns with what our MC suggested during separation. Some parts are 'serious' and others are not. It's a balance. While you are going to IC to work on your issues, do you think it's reasonable to consider MC for the marriage? In light of your wife's recent actions and words, what is the upside and downside to you if you asked her to join you this week? Follow on to one of those 'I love you's' with, just one time, 'I love you too and I want this marriage to work. Will you join me in MC to work on it?'. That's not begging; it's communicating. It reflects your feelings (I presume) and a potential avenue of recovery. It's honest. Accept the response as her truth. Continue working on yourself and prioritize her as is healthy based on her perspective. This likely won't be 'fixed', even under the best of circumstances, in a week or a month. Buckle in, it's gonna be awhile. If you're not cohabiting, get that monogamy agreement clearly spelled out. It will be tested. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 I don't really see the logic behind her playing me. It's not like she would gain anything by it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 A couple of tidbits from someone who's gone through the process... There's no logic about any of this and you'll never know what she will or will not gain. Your brain isn't wired for that kind of thought or emotional process. I know that might sound harsh. I had to look into the mirror and say it to myself at one point. Stick with what *you* want, how *you* feel and *your* boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 That's the bad thing....I want my marriage to last. I'm being as patient as possible. But I don't how much more I can take before I just throw my hands up and walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Yes, don't try to rationalize the irrational. She is not being straight with you. One day sitting on your lap kissing you saying she loves you, the next saying it was all a mistake. That is game playing. Whether you know the rules or reasons or rewards of those games does not change the fact: it is game playing, messing you around, treating your emotions like crap. It takes 2 to make a marriage last. You can want it as much as you like, but if she does not want it, then it will not last. Rather than giving up I think you need to find out where her loyalties lie. If she wants to work on the marriage then she needs to stop dicking you around and start actually working on it. You cannot do the work for her; she has to WANT to do it. If she doesn't want to then, well, you might as well file for divorce now and get it over with. She has had almost 2 months to think about it so IMO it's time to get her final answer, yes or no. Edited October 13, 2011 by PegNosePete Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 Thanks for all the responses. Last night I wrote her a 3 page letter explaining EVERYTHING. It basically says how much I care about our marriage, but that it's come to the point where she either needs to $h!t or get off the pot! Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Thanks for all the responses. Last night I wrote her a 3 page letter explaining EVERYTHING. It basically says how much I care about our marriage, but that it's come to the point where she either needs to $h!t or get off the pot! Thanks again! I'm going to sound harsh but it's for your own good Then you didn't read divorce remedy properly did you? That is pursuing in a big way. It's ok to write these letters but for the love of g-d shred them before you send them. It makes you appear weak and clingy. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 . Why didn't you say something along the lines of, well if you love me then we can work things out, I'll go get my toothbrush, see you at the house in 5 minutes for some fantastic make-up sex? . Maybe thats just what she wanted. If she says no, just drop her like a bad habit. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Agreed with robf, sure write a letter like that but it should be 3 lines long not 3 pages. Still if it is sent now then it is sent. Her response (or lack thereof) will tell you everything you need to know. If it's anything other than "yes I want to give it another go, pick up your toothbrush and be home in an hour" then she clearly does not want to work on the marriage. And yeah if she said no in the bar then that would have got your answer right there and then... Link to post Share on other sites
Farrah Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Unfortunately nowhere. Shes saying that to make you feel bette. You need no compassion . Hold your head up and disappear on her. The only thing that will get her back is her feeling insecure you may have taken off with someone else.Ive read several post and spoken to several people total takaway works.If you do what you do you will be considered a door mat nothing there to chase. I've been currently separated from my wife for 7 weeks. At first I did the whole begging her to take me back thing. Obviously that didn't work. Then I started going to a counselor and reading everything I can get my hands on. A book called "The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner-Davis has helped me tremendously. As part of the "Last Resort method," I have refrained from saying I love you to my wife. However, the past couple weeks, she has said I love you to me on several occasions. So, here's my question: I know that I wasn't supposed to say I love you because it would just a reminder that she doesn't feel the same. But now she's saying it! Any thoughts on where this might be heading? Link to post Share on other sites
Farrah Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Sounds like me long ass texts...lol. My friend is a doctrate in Psychology she said he needs to be punished not rewarded. Stop!!!2 days silenced! I'm going to sound harsh but it's for your own good Then you didn't read divorce remedy properly did you? That is pursuing in a big way. It's ok to write these letters but for the love of g-d shred them before you send them. It makes you appear weak and clingy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 Well, just because I wrote a long letter doesn't mean I gave it to her. I haven't yet. But just writing it made ME feel better. But she told me last night that she basically wants to give it another shot. However, she just scared and wants to make sure that the changes I've made to better myself arent just an act to "win her back." That's a move forward right? How do I prove that the changes I've made are genuine?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Good that you didn't send it Yes writing this stuff can be helpful for yourself. I wrote countless emails and deleted them without sending. In fact every time I wrote to her solicitor I wrote out what I WANTED to say, then deleted it and wrote it politely. So she asked you to move back? You are back together now?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 She hasnt asked me to move back yet but I feel like it's only a matter of time. She basically has no support network. And I think she's starting to realize that not only did she ask her husband to move out, but she also asked her best friend to move out. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Trust me, women can function fine even without a historically obvious 'support network'. She could go to the store today, appear 'needy' and have a half-dozen helper monkeys at her beck and call by tonight. She could have a 100 bill collectors at her door tomorrow and not care. She's 'married'. The person who cares the least has the most power and control. That's it. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Trust me, women can function fine even without a historically obvious 'support network'. She could go to the store today, appear 'needy' and have a half-dozen helper monkeys at her beck and call by tonight. She could have a 100 bill collectors at her door tomorrow and not care. She's 'married'. The person who cares the least has the most power and control. That's it. Yep, totally Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 She hasnt asked me to move back yet but I feel like it's only a matter of time. She basically has no support network. And I think she's starting to realize that not only did she ask her husband to move out, but she also asked her best friend to move out. The second she said she wanted to give it another shot I'd have said "See you in five minutes" That would have told you a lot Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 But here is another bit of information I should throw out there: what if I said there is a substance abuse issue. I mean, it would be alot easier to walk away if I knew she was acting with a clear head. And quite frankly it worries me. Not only as a husband, but as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 But here is another bit of information I should throw out there: what if I said there is a substance abuse issue. I mean, it would be alot easier to walk away if I knew she was acting with a clear head. And quite frankly it worries me. Not only as a husband, but as a friend. Actually it means nothing. There's always some rubbish excuse for someone walking out on their family be it substance abuse, depression, BPD among others. Ohh I almost forgot the old classic the 'mid life crisis' Just an excuse for adult p*ss poor behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
joseph17 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Sounds like the 3 week period did the trick.Her saying she loves you is a way of saying that she still cares and there is still a chance. Don't give up yet the best things come with patience. Look at this as time to work on yourself and make her realize what she has. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Well this leads me to another question that I'll just ask here instead of starting a new thread that way I don't have to explain my story again. I've followed the no contact rule religiously. Every bit of contact has been initiated by her. However, now that she's contacting me on a regular basis, is it ok to call her, or should I not? I mean, now that she is expressing more interest in me I don't want her to start thinking that I don't care anymore because I never call her. Link to post Share on other sites
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