carhill Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 What was her answer regarding MC? Are you getting your needs met? 'Everything going back to 'normal'' is not a need. 'Letting me love her' is not a need. Identify your elemental needs and decide if her style of interaction is meeting them. The words on the phone are wonderful. Actions to support them are more wonderful, and essential. Remember, she dumped you. The onus is upon her. Don't be mean but don't be a pushover either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 She's never been willing to go to MC. She doesn't want them to "tell her how to live." She's very stubborn at times. But I haven't asked her to go since we've been separated. I would like to wait until we get back together to suggest it (if we do get back together!) Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 'Do you feel it's healthy and appropriate to be spending time with another woman, even innocently, when you see it causes your wife much pain?' That was a typical question asked by our MC. MC is facilitation, not dictatorship. I clarifies issues of the client, which is the marriage, and gives the partners ideas and tools to use to improve the M on their own terms. 'I want to meet with a counselor to work on some issues I've had in our marriage. I'd like you to join me so the counselor can hear your perspective on them, as my perspective on my own behavior is likely biased. Will you join me?' Perhaps that's a bit of a 'white lie', but it's a lie told with love and the desire and intent to save and improve the M. Our MC did opine, IMO correctly, that 'people separate to get divorced' and he counseled us during our separation to always have an eye on cohabiting again and to work actively towards that goal. If anything, IMO, effective MC is even more important when parties are physically separated. I noted, when separated, it became easy to live alone, be alone, socialize alone and get comfortable, even without the 'rebounds' and 'dating' that some people do. When apart, it's easy to stay apart, at least for myself. No stress, no arguments, no picking up her cr@p Anyway, if she won't do MC, then set a timeline and mileposts for improvement and, if not met, file. Leaving things in the nebula only hurts you. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Jeeze dude. Sorry to sound harsh but you need to grow a pair. She has had plenty of time to decide what she wants in life etc, blah blah. I totally agree with robf. When she said she still loves you, you should have said cool see you in 5 minutes. Her reaction would have told you everything you need to know. If she said GREAT then you go there and all is good. If she made excuses or just talked ***** then you say fine, goodbye forever. Dude just call her up and say right I'm sick of being played with, I need an answer, you've got 10 seconds to decide, what is it yes or no? If it's yes then cool, get in there dude. If it's no then it's no. You don't need this puppet on a string routine that she is pulling on you. Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Dude just call her up and say right I'm sick of being played with, I need an answer, you've got 10 seconds to decide, what is it yes or no? If it's yes then cool, get in there dude. If it's no then it's no. You don't need this puppet on a string routine that she is pulling on you. I told my STBXW to decide as she was giving me breadcrumbs etc exactly the same as yours, once she choose scumbag it made other decisions easier as hope died and I knew I had to get on with my new life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 Dude just call her up and say right I'm sick of being played with, I need an answer, you've got 10 seconds to decide, what is it yes or no? If it's yes then cool, get in there dude. If it's no then it's no. You don't need this puppet on a string routine that she is pulling on you. Trust me. I'd love to do this. But I know exactly how that would turn out. She'd say that she still needs more time. That she still doesn't know what she wants. That I'm pressuring her. I just feel like enough is enough you know. Either she wants to be with me or she doesn't. This past Saturday, she came over to my parents and we sat in front of a bon fire. She asked me to hold her and told me that all of her friends have abandoned her. She said I'm the only person that still cares about her. So wtf is she waiting on?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 So here's an update on my situation: Ok, well its obvious I want my wife back. And I guess we've made a little bit of progress. I would say that we are becoming friends again. We spoke on the phone earlier and she told me that she really lIke's what we have right now, that she can trust me and we can hang out together. However, she said that she has some things that she needs to work out within herself before she can say whether or not she'll give us another chance. I told her that it scares the hell out of me thinking of the possibility that, after me waiting and giving her space, that she still might decide that we should not be together. But she also said that even if we don't get back together, that she'd like to keep what we have now. Should I give up and walk away? Or should I just keep waiting? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 I've followed the no contact rule religiously. Every bit of contact has been initiated by her. Uhmmm... that isn't No Contact. Question. Do you enjoy being a doormat? As long as you allow it, she's going to keep treating you this way. Also, do you know what these "things that she needs to work out" may very well be? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 However, she said that she has some things that she needs to work out within herself before she can say whether or not she'll give us another chance She's cheating, infidelity script pure and simple. If you find out she'll just tell you it isn't cheating as she met him after you were separated. Walk away from this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 24, 2011 Share Posted October 24, 2011 Question: Why would she not formerly trust you? I ask because of this statement by her: "she told me that she really lIke's what we have right now, that she can trust me and we can hang out together." Here's an earlier statement by yourself, from your backstory thread: "She initiated the separation, citing several reasons why. But mainly, it was because I wasn't the same fun loving guy that she fell in love with." This doesn't sound like trust issues to me. Am I missing something? Examining the details is what a good MC does. I think you're getting good advice from others but the work that remains is for you to accept your path, if their advice is timely, appropriate and accurate. From what I hear, you're not there yet. Direct your IC in this week's session to address these issues regarding boundaries and next steps, as well as communication. See how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 24, 2011 Author Share Posted October 24, 2011 Ok, to answer the 3 previous posts. 1.) I thought the no contact rule only applies if they are not contacting you. 99% of the contact between her and I is still initiated by her. She calls me multiple times a day, before during and after work. Which leads me to 2.) me and her both work for the same company, and it's quite a place of gossip. If she had someone else, I'd know. We are both GM's of a restaurant franchise. We actually share the same supervisor. You can't keep a secret in our company. Like I said, I'd know. And 3.) She never had any trust issues with me before. What she meant by the comment that she can trust me is that fact that all of her socalled friends have basically abandoned her since we've been separated. Shes told me that I'm the only person that still cares about her. With that said, she knows that I'll be there for her, that she can put her trust in that. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Dude. Sometimes I read a thread and just want to smack the guy's head against a brick wall to get the message across. No offence it's just frustrating to see someone doing exactly the WRONG thing every single time!!! You know I'm only saying all this because I care and want to help, not just to have a go at you or make you feel bad. No contact means NO CONTACT. If she texts, you ignore it. If she emails, you delete it. If she calls you don't answer if you have caller ID, or you hang up if not. If you see her on the street then you cross over or turn around and walk the other way. NO CONTACT. Clue's in the name dude. It's not "no contact unless she initiates it". It is NO CONTACT. Did I say it enough times yet? NO CONTACT. You are talking to her multiple times a day, WHAT THE F*CK DUDE????? That is not even close to NO CONTACT. She has you by the balls dude and you need to reclaim them. At the moment you are nothing more than her plaything. She can say and do whatever she wants to you and you just keep on bouncing back for more. Seriously dude just go back over this thread and read the replies again. What have YOU done to fix this situation? robf hit the nail on the head again, she is quoting directly from the Cheater's Handbook, Infidelity 101. Just wants to work a few things out, right. Yeah I can tell you exactly what she needs to work out. It does not take a genius. You say you would know, well I say how would you know? She seems to be able to treat you like complete dirt and you just lap it up. You are wrapped around her little finger. If she wanted to hide something like that from you then she could do it very easily - just don't talk about it at work. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 I can't even count the number of guys who have come here and said, "there's no way she could be having an affair, she wouldn't do that, I would know if she did that" etc, etc. Followed shortly by, "OMG she's having an affair!!". Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 Well I definitely messed up last night. Me and her hung out last night. I went over to the apartment. Shortly after I got there, I noticed she was wearing her wedding ring. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Twice. And damn it was good. But she did finally admit to me that she has had sex with one other guy not long after we separated. She said it was a mistake and if she could do it over again it wouldn't have happened. You think that she was being sincere? And I'm not trying to make excuses for her either. Don't get me wrong. I have kissed someone else and it could have went farther. But I stopped the situation before it got to that point. I figured since we were laying our cards on the table, I told her what happened and she actually got upset with ME! She wanted to know who it was, when and where it happened, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 So have you moved back in with her or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 Oh and I forgot to add that I did tell her as long as it happened after we were seperated that I would be willing to forgive and work past it. At that point she got all worried that I'm not gonna talk to her anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Hmm. You said that as long as it was after you separated you would forgive. And she got worried. Am I the only one that thinks that is a little strange? You would think that she would be relieved. If it happened after you separated then you're happy. But she thinks you will be unhappy. 2 + 2 = ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 No I haven't moved back in. And no, she got upset when I told her that I had an opportunity to have sex with someone else, not when I told her that I would forgive her for doing the same thing. And that leads me to another question. If we are seperated and she had sex with someone else, is that still cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 No I haven't moved back in. Did you not mention it when you had sex with her? If not, why not? If we are seperated and she had sex with someone else, is that still cheating? Well if you want to get technical then what were the terms of your separation? Did you discuss it beforehand? Considering you had relations with other women (even though they did not go as far) would it not be hypocritical to now claim that she should have been faithful? But who cares about the technicalities? It is certainly not a good sign dude. If she really wanted to work on the marriage then she would not be banging other men. That is the bottom line. Does she want to work on the marriage? Anyone with eyes can plainly see that she does not. If she did then SHE would have asked YOU to move back when you had sex last night. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 3.) She never had any trust issues with me before. What she meant by the comment that she can trust me is that fact that all of her socalled friends have basically abandoned her since we've been separated. Shes told me that I'm the only person that still cares about her. With that said, she knows that I'll be there for her, that she can put her trust in that. Reading that, sealed with some sex, I'll opine 'watch out' and thank you for your update. You're getting good advice from others. Put together a concrete plan and execute it. Right now you're reacting. That's not execution. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Were you still married when you were separated? Did your vows get rewritten because you were separated? Did you tell her, "It's OK to go bang other guys cause, hell, we're separated"? Deep down, does it feel good to know she banged some other guy while you were separated? Seriously, why are you asking us how you should feel? You and I both know she stuck a knife way down deep in your gut when she told you she had sex with another man. You already know how sick it makes you, and no matter how many people you might find here that will tell you it's OK, it never will be OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 25, 2011 Author Share Posted October 25, 2011 I agree that it would be hypocritical of me since I have kissed another woman. Granted I didn't have sex with her, but a romantic kiss is still a romantic kiss. And my wife said that her "relations" with another guy happened not long after we seperated. But to me the important thing is that she actually was honest enough about it to tell me and she realizes that it was a mistake. It almost seemed as though the guilt was eating her up. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Dude, listen to me - I am going through this and after reconciling with my wife, giving her 10 months to make things right, things are worse than ever and we are done. The amount of lying, awkwardness and trauma that you have and are about to experience are not worth it. This story has train wreck all over it, be careful and keep your emotional guard up. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 Joey. Sorry I am done with trying to help you. We are smashing our heads against a brick wall here. You have completely ignored all of our questions that we have asked, except for the ones you want to answer. You need to stick up for yourself otherwise you will continue to be walked all over, like you have been so far. We cannot help you if you will not help yourself. Good luck dude, I mean that. But read through your thread, you have not moved on at all since the beginning and we are simply repeating ourselves. There is nothing I can say that has not already been said. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 I haven't moved on because her actions kinda give me hope that there's still a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
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