The Art of Letting Go..

[Mack05]

I have read so many posts on LS since the start of May (when I joined). For most of us letting go is an extremely hard and stressful process to go through. I used to read this everytime I was close to breaking NC (which was like hundreds of times).

 

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference"

Every breakup is unique, the problems/issues maybe similar, but each breakup in itself is unique as are the people involved. We hear all the time about how "special" these relationships are. I have lost count of the number of LS posters describing their relationship as "special". This is a very true statement. We are all special, so when we meet someone that we consider to be 'special', then what we experience is an amazing and joyous period in our lives. When we lose that 'special' bond, it is truly utterly devastating. Our whole rational thought process goes out the window. I remember after my last breakup my mother/sister saying to me..."Mack you are not thinking clearly". I was saying to them "yes I am!" or "what the hell does that mean I'm not thinking clearly?". I now know what they meant by that. I have seen so many posters on LS get great from follow posters and completely ignore it. Why? Because they are not thinking rationally.

 

The harsh reality is there is nothing you can do to get an ex back, when they leave. Here are a few rules I believe dumpee's should follow...

 

1) Begging, Pleading and Manipulating are an absolute NO NO. Your ex has made a decision to leave. This is their decision to make and if you respect them then you have to respect their decision.

 

2) If you truly love your ex then you put their needs above your own. You have to set them free. Too many people love how their ex's made them feel about themselves. This is not real love. Real love is putting your partners needs above your own. Even if that means they meet someone else. If they ask to be left alone, you leave them alone.

 

3) It's been said a million times on this site, but you have to go NC and stay NC. This is savage hard, but it is a must! Explain to you ex friendship is not an option and that you will not respond to them UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (Ok if a family members of theirs dies then obviously u can't ignore but besides these rare occurrences you have to stay NC at all times). You must not respond to breadcrumbs. When a dumper offers breadcrumbs, it is for their selfish reasons and you now need to take your ex off the high pedestal you put them on..They are putting their needs above yours (the opposite of real love) and any breadcrumb should be seen as a red flag. Not a potential opportunity to get back together.

 

You must not checkup on Facebook/MSN/Twitter. In fact block them from these applications. How many threads have we seen asking the question "should I break NC?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

No contact is about your healing. It is a must to stay NC for 2 months. You have no idea how much you are helping yourself by doing this.

 

4) Feel your feelings. Don't avoid them. We focus on other people/rebound/over excessive drinking/eating etc etc because we are afraid to focus on our own feelings. Here is a great article on what I am referring to when I say "Feel your feelings" -> http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html

 

5) Focus on YOU! How many times do we read threads by LS members looking for explanations about their ex's behavior. Eventually it will click that it doesn't matter. What matters is focusing on you and you alone. Going over questions endlessly is pointless as you will never get the clarity you seek. It is also very detrimental to your recovery.

[Mack05]

For me, if the woman I love leaves me in future, I will automatically go NC for 3 months (probably a good bit longer). I would use this time to better myself in everyway I can. Maybe Therapy, get in awesome physical shape, volunteering, etc etc etc, basically all positive steps. I will write down goals and achieve them. Is being positive easy when u feel like crap!?? Hell No!! but its that positivity that makes us strong people. It's going to the gym on a rainy morning when we feel like never getting out of bed. It's volunteering on a Sunday, instead of lazying around the house. Those are the changes that make the real differences in our lives. It these positive changes that help us love ourselves again. When we love ourselves, we don't need validation or approval from anyone. When we love ourselves we know our ex's made the biggest mistakes of our lives by leaving us. When we love ourselves we attract the right kind of partner for us.

 

After applying these positive steps over a 6 month period, you will know exactly where you stand. You will either have moved on and actually don't want your ex back, or you will love them more than ever. It is scenario B, I would write her one last letter. No begging or pleading. I would outline the things I felt I did wrong in the relationship and what I have done to correct those mistakes. I would explain the things (I feel) we need to change for us to make the relationship work better. I would explain the improvements that I made in my life. I would tell her that I love her and explain why my love for her is so unique and special and what I can offer her that no other man can. If she comes back then amazing!. More than likely she won't reply and I then have full closure. Not only that, I can start to fully move on with my life with 6 months positive changes under my belt. Not only that I will have dealt with the grief cycle (google it) in the correct way.

 

Too many LS posters stay in what I call 'Limbo'. The longer you stay here the less you move on with your lives. We have only one shot at life. There are terminally ill, starving people all over the world, who would give anything to have the opportunities we have. Don't waste precious time grieving/obsessing over someone who will never deserve your love. Remember your ex left you. If you sit in a dark room feeling sorry for yourself, obsessing nonstop about your ex, how does that help you? Let me answer that it doesn't. It's natural for the first few weeks to go over things endlessly, but this stage should only last a few weeks. Not many months as I see with many LS Posters.

 

6) Forgive yourself and forgive your ex. Once you can achieve this then you free yourself of the grip they have around you. You are free to move on with your life. No matter what your ex did to you, forgive them. By forgiving them we take away the power they have over us and give it back to ourselves. Forgive yourself means you stop beating yourself up over mistakes. You accept what has happened, forgive yourself and leave it in the past..

[eleanorhurting]

I have been feeling my feelings and even though its so hard (who wants to feel anger and sadness and regret) I am actually starting to feel better.

[SoulFinger]

I have read so many posts on LS since the start of May (when I joined). For most of us letting go is an extremely hard and stressful process to go through. I used to read this everytime I was close to breaking NC (which was like hundreds of times).

 

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference"

Every breakup is unique, the problems/issues maybe similar, but each breakup in itself is unique as are the people involved. We hear all the time about how "special" these relationships are. I have lost count of the number of LS posters describing their relationship as "special". This is a very true statement. We are all special, so when we meet someone that we consider to be 'special', then what we experience is an amazing and joyous period in our lives. When we lose that 'special' bond, it is truly utterly devastating. Our whole rational thought process goes out the window. I remember after my last breakup my mother/sister saying to me..."Mack you are not thinking clearly". I was saying to them "yes I am!" or "what the hell does that mean I'm not thinking clearly?". I now know what they meant by that. I have seen so many posters on LS get great from follow posters and completely ignore it. Why? Because they are not thinking rationally.

 

The harsh reality is there is nothing you can do to get an ex back, when they leave. Here are a few rules I believe dumpee's should follow...

 

1) Begging, Pleading and Manipulating are an absolute NO NO. Your ex has made a decision to leave. This is their decision to make and if you respect them then you have to respect their decision.

 

2) If you truly love your ex then you put their needs above your own. You have to set them free. Too many people love how their ex's made them feel about themselves. This is not real love. Real love is putting your partners needs above your own. Even if that means they meet someone else. If they ask to be left alone, you leave them alone.

 

3) It's been said a million times on this site, but you have to go NC and stay NC. This is savage hard, but it is a must! Explain to you ex friendship is not an option and that you will not respond to them UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (Ok if a family members of theirs dies then obviously u can't ignore but besides these rare occurrences you have to stay NC at all times). You must not respond to breadcrumbs. When a dumper offers breadcrumbs, it is for their selfish reasons and you now need to take your ex off the high pedestal you put them on..They are putting their needs above yours (the opposite of real love) and any breadcrumb should be seen as a red flag. Not a potential opportunity to get back together.

 

You must not checkup on Facebook/MSN/Twitter. In fact block them from these applications. How many threads have we seen asking the question "should I break NC?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

No contact is about your healing. It is a must to stay NC for 2 months. You have no idea how much you are helping yourself by doing this.

 

4) Feel your feelings. Don't avoid them. We focus on other people/rebound/over excessive drinking/eating etc etc because we are afraid to focus on our own feelings. Here is a great article on what I am referring to when I say "Feel your feelings" -> http://www.mkprojects.com/fa_emotions.html

 

5) Focus on YOU! How many times do we read threads by LS members looking for explanations about their ex's behavior. Eventually it will click that it doesn't matter. What matters is focusing on you and you alone. Going over questions endlessly is pointless as you will never get the clarity you seek. It is also very detrimental to your recovery.

Totally and utterly agree with all of the above.It's so very hard at times but I guess like a a lot of things that matter they hurt like heck but in the end they are the best remedy to get on with what is best for yourself.Great post Mack.

[fuzzbella]

For me i think i was afraid to let go because i was afraid of been alone, its that lonliness that scares me more than actually loosing him, it is hard to let go, i agree with everything youve wrote.

[M2155]

For me i think i was afraid to let go because i was afraid of been alone, its that lonliness that scares me more than actually loosing him, it is hard to let go, i agree with everything youve wrote.

 

I actually think I was probably just as lonely when I was IN my relationship. Too much wondering if things were going okay, what's he thinking, insecurity, confusion etc... it shouldn't be that way. I'm starting to feel secure in being single again:). The future looks better than the past (although I can't wait for Mr. future to get here)

[Mack05]

For me i think i was afraid to let go because i was afraid of been alone, its that lonliness that scares me more than actually loosing him, it is hard to let go, i agree with everything youve wrote.

 

Very good point Fuzzbella. Fear means we can act out of total desperation and sometimes act out of character. Facing the world alone can be very difficult/scary and all we want to do is go back to our safety net. I think so many relationships fail today, because after a breakup people will sometimes get back together for the wrong reasons. "I will change", they will change anything to avoid this lonely feeling and 'fear'. What tends to happen is these relationships fail, because there was a reason you broke up in the first place. You were not right/compatible together. When I talk about feeling your feelings, here is a great example. Confronting these uncomfortable feelings is so vital. Too many dumpee's focus on everything else because how uncomfortable this process is. They panic and reach out to their ex's. This type of behaviour is so detrimental to their recovery..

[ffw]

 

After applying these positive steps over a 6 month period, you will know exactly where you stand. You will either have moved on and actually don't want your ex back, or you will love them more than ever. It is scenario B, I would write her one last letter. No begging or pleading. I would outline the things I felt I did wrong in the relationship and what I have done to correct those mistakes. I would explain the things (I feel) we need to change for us to make the relationship work better. I would explain the improvements that I made in my life. I would tell her that I love her and explain why my love for her is so unique and special and what I can offer her that no other man can. If she comes back then amazing!. More than likely she won't reply and I then have full closure. Not only that, I can start to fully move on with my life with 6 months positive changes under my belt. Not only that I will have dealt with the grief cycle (google it) in the correct way.

 

 

Good post Mack. I completely agree with the most part except writing a letter to ex after 6 months. In my opinion, if there is any chance of reunion it should come from the dumper's side & not from the dumpee's side. Its not like he/she was waiting for 6 months & got the letter & then changed their mind. In other words, no matter what you say, do or how strong you feel is not going to change their mind. If there is no possibility of reconciliation, it should be from the dumper's side.

 

PS: I liked one of your post regarding how people perceive love nowadays.

[Mack05]

Good post Mack. I completely agree with the most part except writing a letter to ex after 6 months. In my opinion, if there is any chance of reunion it should come from the dumper's side & not from the dumpee's side. Its not like he/she was waiting for 6 months & got the letter & then changed their mind. In other words, no matter what you say, do or how strong you feel is not going to change their mind. If there is no possibility of reconciliation, it should be from the dumper's side.

 

PS: I liked one of your post regarding how people perceive love nowadays.

 

Good point ffw. I think it comes down to the person themselves. They may feel a need to tell their ex who they feel one more them. You are probably right but if I still loved her I wouldn't be able to resist..After 6 months it would help me get closure one way or another..

[Mack05]

Adding my No contact guide to this thread...

 

I am reading a pretty helpful book (one of many I have read recently) called Getting Past your breakup.

 

There is a great section in the book called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately.

 

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below..

 

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

 

5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on.

 

6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it.

 

7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't.

 

I am now nearly 2 months NC. I have nearly broke NC quite a few times. Happily I didn't. Here are a few things I did when I was close to breaking NC

 

1) Write a journal/diary first thought that was in my head. Don't edit it..

2) Write Letters to my ex that I am never going to send..

3) Call a friend of family member for support and Vent on LS..

4) Take a long hot bath..

5) Picked up some new hobbies or really focused on the stuff I love doing. During my relationship and the afermath, I lost my passion for alot of things I used to love. I went out and got my passion back..

6) Go for a long scenic walk..

7) Go to the gym..

8) Pampered myself. Went off to a hotel for the day in the country with 2 bottles of cheap champagne. Happy days!

9) When I started to overthinking about my ex and her faults/behaviour, I reeled myself back and focused on me again..

10) Wrote short term and long term goals and tick them off one by one..

 

Remember continuing to seek contact or respond to contact just keeps you stuck and adds to your hurt. It's counterproductive to building a new and meaningful life. We all deserve better...

Edited October 12, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lovesickpuppy]

Wow, just wow!!! Amazing insight, it's in my head now, I don't reply!!! Thank you, you're so amazingly right, to a T!! BUMP!!!

[Daisy2]

Ever since the break up in May I have been going out a lot with my friends and trying to keep myself busy. We have been NC since the break up, and he deleted me off of his facebook few weeks ago after I posted how I am that I had with someone special. Then, only a few days later, his mom has added me to facebook. I am so confused.... It was for the best that he deleted me, but, why did his mom add me is beyond me... Not only that, his brother, and sister-in-law have also added me after the breakup. What should I do now?

[Sugarkane]

I don't see how any of you could love your ex's. How could you love a bunch of idiots that treat you like ****? I will never love anyone that treats me that way. I hate my ex, he is dead to me now. The only thing I would ever say to him is how much of a sick human being (supposedly) he is, and how worthless he is to this world and the women in it. I only wish that I could get him back for ****ing me over a year ago, no one should get away w that. Evil monsters like him live long though, so I know he ain't gonna get karma.

 

I would never in a million years get back with my ex, so don't understand how anyone of you try. Been NC for a year. It isn't even NC, it's me disappearing and cutting his ass from my life.

 

You couldn't pay me to be contaminated by his miserable, worthless presence again. YUCK.

I completely agree with you. I wouldn't piss on my ex, if he wa fire.

[fetish1980]

I agree with everything on here. Maybe i'm not too sure about the writing the letter to the ex part. It's been 8 months for me. I still love my ex, but i know we can't be together because our lifestyles are way too different.

She sometimes sends guilt messages to me via text saying "I guess you're done with me." " You don't want anything to do with me!"

 

I guess it's those times that i feel like letting her know that i love her and will always cherish our memories, but due to different lifestyles and desires is why we're not together. I'm still healing. Sometimes i want her to have that piece of mind, but knowing her, it would probably do no good. A brat will find anyway to be a brat.

 

fetish

[Mack05]

I don't see how any of you could love your ex's. How could you love a bunch of idiots that treat you like ****? I will never love anyone that treats me that way. I hate my ex, he is dead to me now. The only thing I would ever say to him is how much of a sick human being (supposedly) he is, and how worthless he is to this world and the women in it. I only wish that I could get him back for ****ing me over a year ago, no one should get away w that. Evil monsters like him live long though, so I know he ain't gonna get karma.

 

I would never in a million years get back with my ex, so don't understand how anyone of you try. Been NC for a year. It isn't even NC, it's me disappearing and cutting his ass from my life.

 

You couldn't pay me to be contaminated by his miserable, worthless presence again. YUCK.

 

First of all my post would be directed at dumpee's who lost someone they still love. You are a perfect example of how not to heal correctly. I mean if this guy treated you so bad why did you stay with him? Dumpee's that stayed with a person that treated them so badly, clearly have self esteem issues. We need an entire new thread to discuss why people stay in toxic relationships. This thread is to try help people move on from an ex they still love.

 

I feel sorry for you goingnowherefast3. A year later you are still full of anger, bitterness and resentment. How exactly does that help you moving forward?You are too busy focusing your anger on a guy that doesn't matter. Why not focus on yourself and ask yourself the question why did you stay with him for as long as you did? Why not be the bigger person, forgive him and move on with your life? The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love..

 

I forgive my ex and it really helped me move on. Do I still Love her? No. Will I be writing her a letter? No. It's 7 months later and grieving and healing in the right way has enabled me to get total clarity. Even though my ex did cruel and cold things to me, I wish her nothing but the best. She has no hold over me. So reading your post full of anger and bitterness and my post who do you think has healed correctly and will be more open to a nourishing healthy loving relationship going forward?

[Mack05]

I agree with everything on here. Maybe i'm not too sure about the writing the letter to the ex part. It's been 8 months for me. I still love my ex, but i know we can't be together because our lifestyles are way too different.

She sometimes sends guilt messages to me via text saying "I guess you're done with me." " You don't want anything to do with me!"

 

I guess it's those times that i feel like letting her know that i love her and will always cherish our memories, but due to different lifestyles and desires is why we're not together. I'm still healing. Sometimes i want her to have that piece of mind, but knowing her, it would probably do no good. A brat will find anyway to be a brat.

 

fetish

 

Fetish, I think the letter is probably the one thing most people would disagree with me on. For me, if I still loved her more then ever after 6 months of grieving in the right way, I would have to try one last time. Most of the time you will not want your ex back and therefore there will be no need for the letter. Especially, after you have had time to take a step back and think things through properly.

[Sugarkane]

Mack I completely agree with you, but I find true forgiveness often difficult. Especially as they have no remorse. And when they're still the same person who hasn't learnt anything. From my experience most people don't change. These people are probably doing exactly the same thing, but now to other people instead.

[Sugarkane]

I do wonder if some of the dumpers are well at all. Like my other ex who broke NC and hassled me for weeks to meet him. Basically nagged me. Only to never meet me because he was "too busy". Well I'm pretty busy too. Then has the nerve to tell me that I'm the nutjob! WTF? Then I find out that he's with someone else anyway. I mean WTF?

[Mack05]

Mack I completely agree with you, but I find true forgiveness often difficult. Especially as they have no remorse. And when they're still the same person who hasn't learnt anything. From my experience most people don't change. These people are probably doing exactly the same thing, but now to other people instead.

 

Sugarkane they are, but screw them! I would rather focus on myself, so that I never make the same mistake and date a person like that again. A quote I use regulary is "water seeks it's own level". I would rather focus on why I got together and stayed with that person, instead of using my spare time obsessing on how much of a dickwad that person is/was..Nothing more annoying then making the same mistakes twice (or more).

[StellaA]

My ex wants me back now after 3 months. I had started to get better and now I feel worse than before as I don't want to make a decision. My family do not want me to get back with him and this makes it hard. I love him but is that enough. Will he end up breaking my heart again

[Mack05]

My ex wants me back now after 3 months. I had started to get better and now I feel worse than before as I don't want to make a decision. My family do not want me to get back with him and this makes it hard. I love him but is that enough. Will he end up breaking my heart again

 

Stella the only person that can answer this question is you. The fact your ex left you and has been diagnosed as Bipolar, I would side with your family. But matters of the heart are not that Black and White. You know his good side. You are still in Love. Walking away from someone we love is very difficult. We automatically want to support them, afterall isn't being there for your partner when they really need you the sign of a strong relationship? Maybe, but that love and support has to be both ways. Who get's to support you? Can you rely on this guy when things get tough for you, or is it just going to be you giving everything to him and getting nothing back in return? I once read about being in a relationship with someone who is Bipolar or how has a similar disorder -> "No matter how effective you are at helping him, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of yourself into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger."

 

If you go back to them you could risk your relationship(s) with your family. Further down the line if he leaves you high and dry, then you are left even more devastated and on your own. To me you are very confused. Making such a big decision when you feel under 'pressure' is never the way to go. If it were me, I would not get back together with him or be friends. I would explain that my trust is gone and that I need time to myself to work through everything. Take as much time as you need. Step away from the relationship and determine if this man is giving you everything you want? You need to be very honest with yourself. This guy does not sound happy within himself. Three months hasn't suddenly made his problems disappear. He can't be trusted and right now his promises are false and empty. If he is not happy within himself, he cannot make you happy and he cannot be happy within the relationship.

 

A relationship needs more then love to survive. You also need Respect, Loyalty, Honesty, Empathy, Compassion, Sincerity, Trust, Understanding, Compatabilty. You should be thoroughly enjoying the good times and supporting each other through the tough times. Can you say you have that kind of relationship Stella? I would take time away and weigh everything up. Try to think logically and rationally and not with your heart (VERY hard). If you want my advice, I would listen to your family. From the outside if you weigh it all up, the correct decision is to leave the relationship. But then again, I am not emotionally invested and I have no idea what your ex is like as a man. I do know he doesn't seem happy in himself and until he is you can't go back. Use this time to focus on you. Are you happy within yourself? The same goes for you Stella. If you are not happy within yourself, then you can't be in a relationship. It's doomed to failure..

 

It's one of life's decisions that is so hard, a decision you will always wonder about. Did I do the right thing? I do know only you can make this decision. Trust your gut instinct, it's our most powerful tool that we have at our disposal.

Edited October 13, 2011 by Mack05

[StellaA]

Mack, thanks for your response! it really does help having someone to talk to as it's hard when your family have a personal involvment! Yeah, it's hard when you are emtionally involved with that person and can't think with just your head like everyone else. The problem is when you miss someone you only remember the good times and can't remember the bad! I really miss him right now and miss all the funny things, but can he support me when things get tough? That is the question.

[Mack05]

Not sure why you are so full of anger goingnowherefast or where exactly the insults were, but I am not going back on forth with you on a thread where I am trying to help people. If you don't agree with me that's fine. It's a forum, we are entitled to express our own opinions. I am in my own way just trying to help. I won't be replying to you anymore for obvious reasons..

Edited October 13, 2011 by Mack05

[nofool4u]

Don't insult me. You don't know anything about me. Don't assume you know me, don't think you know where I am in the "healing process", don't assume you know how "happy" or ready I am for a new relationship. You are not an expert and you damn sure are not MY friend, you know NOTHING about me, my last relationship, what happened in the relationship, where I am now, and who I am seeing now. So DON'T.

 

This coming from a guy who admitted to abusing his ex in the past, focusing on what was wrong with her, getting caught by his ex on this site, claiming to leave and still come back. And you say you're over her? You jumped into a new relationship focus on something else other than your own issues, being abusive. You don't just heal form that in a few months. It's a sickness, a disease. I didn't jump into a relationship, you did. I am not focusing on that loser, you did. I have accomplished great things since a year ago, and happier and more confident since a year ago, and it shows because men have thrown themselves at me (which I decline). The fact that someone in my past is a sick person says nothing about me other than, I am a person who sees things for what they are, and I don't hide behind another relationship or behind this Dr. Phil facade. Like you.

 

You don't know nothin' about me, so don't make false accusations about where I am, and who I am. Don't freaking question me about why I "stayed" in the relationship when you "stayed" in your relationship too when she treated YOU oh so bad. So why did YOU stay? Self esteem issues much??

 

So reading my own post I would say I am much better off than you. You weren't even half accurate in your pyscho analysis of me. Quit focusing on me and focus on your own issues. God knows you have many.

 

enlighten us, why do you keep having to change names? why are your posts disappearing?

[Sugarkane]

Mack I don't understand why the dumpers are hostile to us. I'm bit the one that did the dumping and cruelly.