how to break out of this rut

[rubyjuly]

as i posted before my bf and i started living together...really, i do not want to just live together, i would like to get married. I dont want to be a live in girlfriend much longer at all for several reasons...is there any way to ask him to move out until the time we are at least engaged, without losing him? I dont want to break up, but i would like it to be how it was, seeing each other about every day, but living seperate, UNTIL the time he is ready to make it official.

any advice? im afraid if i dont do this soon this will turn into a long term living in arrangement and i dont feel right about that..(he knew befroe he moved in that i was doing it with marriage in mind, he told me before he wanted to after some more time passes, so he is already aware i dont want to just be a live in gf, he knew that my values were to be married, living together was a means to that

[TigerCub]

So you moved in, but told him that you didn't just want to be a live in gf and that you wanted marriage eventually.

 

He agreed to that

 

So how long have you 2 been living together now?

If its only been a short time, then maybe you shouldn't panic yet - it takes time to really make a decision, get a ring, plan on proposing, etc..

[sb5683]

Any guy who is "afraid" of getting married is not worth it. There's plenty of guys out there who would love to get married. If you've been together two years and he still says he needs more time, he's not going to change his mind. Not to say you should try to force him to cause that could just lead to a bad marriage. But any guy who is insecure about getting married is not a mature adult, he's probably just a little boy in a man's skin who's either not over his mommy and daddy's divorce, or not ready to stop seeing other women. Either way, he's not worth it. There's plenty of great guys out there who want to be married. I don't know why so many women even consider settling for someone selfish who doesn't care what they want. And not wanting to marry a girlfriend who wants to be married is selfish, no matter what their reasons. The relationship is probably at a dead end already.

 

I personally have never agreed with living together before marriage, not because of morality issues or anything, but because it gives a guy a way out of marriage and they "get the cow for free" so to speak. When you live with a guy outside of marriage, THEY are in control. If you back down on that, THEY get to decide everything in the relationship. Your needs and desires get ignored because you gave in, and they have the power. If they say they'll leave because you don't want to live together unmarried, then good riddance! If he wouldn't stand by you and try to make you happy he's just not worth it, and you may not realize that yet but you will someday when you have an amazing guy proposing to you in a romantic place.

 

The cold hard truth is, not many live-in relationships lead to marriage. Don't waste time on a guy who isn't willing to commit, when you could find the guy of your dreams who would do anything to make you happy. I say, ask him to move out, and if he throws a tantrum and breaks up with you, you don't want him. If he respects your wishes, only spend a little more time on him. Give him another 6 months. If his opinion still hasn't changed, it probably never will. And it's time to move on. If he decides he misses living with you and wants to marry you, then that's great.

 

Just don't settle, and don't let a guy pressure you into doing anything you don't think is right. Don't accept his excuses not to get married. A guy who doesn't care about making his girlfriend happy is not a guy you want to be with.

[oldshirt]

You have been basically "auditioning" for marriage since you moved in together. He knows what the score is. He knows you as a person now.

He knows how you two are together. He knows if he wants to marry you or not.

 

This isn't about him, it is about you. Are you ready to draw a line in the sand and say, "either we get married or we move on with our lives" yet?

 

If the answer is yes then pack you stuff and move out and go back to dating at which point it will be up to you if you want to start dating other people or not.

 

He will then decide whether he wants to make an official, legal and socially binding commitment or not.

 

You just have to be prepared for the "Or not."

 

This is really about committment and how much committment you want vs how much you are willing to give.

 

If you are wanting a full commitment and someone isn't willing to give it, your options are to either accept what they are willing to give, or pack up your commitment and keep looking.

 

If he is not willing to give you any real commitment then you are not obligated to give him any either and you are within your right to walk.

 

You have been living together so he knows you and knows the score. Either he is in or he is out. If he gives you any lines like he needs more time or he isn't sure, or he doesn't know if he is ready or not is all crap and it's all just a way to keep you in the house without giving you what you want out of the deal. He knew within a few months of going out with you if you were marriage material or not.

 

If he wants to marry you he will and nothing will stop him from doing it. Anything less than a legitimate proposal and a ring and a discussion of wedding dates is just blowing smoke and trying to weasel out of any commitment.

 

You can't make him do anything and you can't make him want to do anything. You can only decide your own actions. You can either accept what is handed to you. Or you can pack up your stuff, move out on your own and determine what the parameters of the relationship you will accept are. You can go back to dating and you can put yourself back on the dating market to date others.

 

The real catch of this whole thing is you have to be in place where you are doing it strictly for YOU. You can't be doing it as a means to manipulate him.

[jamesmartin]

There are many ideas for marriage related problums.so please click on this link.

 

Thanx.

[RiverRunning]

Has he ever indicated when he might be ready? Has he told you why he isn't ready? If he can't do either of those two things, you have your answer - you're "Ms. Right Now," not "Ms. Forever."

 

But it also depends on how long you've been dating and how long you've lived together.

 

If he didn't share your same views prior to moving in (i.e., "I would also like this to lead to marriage,") it means you'll wind up in this situation again. I'd say after 6 months of living together, both partners really need to solidify where it's going and when.

 

I am sorry you're going through this. I know it's a difficult situation. But I don't think there's any 'polite' or 'everything will be OK' way to ask him to move out of your apartment. But at the same time, I get where you're coming from - you don't want to do this forever. If at 6 months he hasn't made up his mind (if you've both been together for 3+ years), or by 12 months at 2+ years, I'd say it's time to bail on the guy totally.

 

He's auditioned long enough.