heart > brain

[lyeex]

Why do I still want someone that has hurt me so much? Not just emotionally, but now physically, too. I spent 1.5 years trying to win him over, giving him all of me, and accepting his breadcrumbs in return. He kept me on a leash, knew how to pull me back in when I'd try to break free. He'd make me believe he wanted more with me than he really did. He never committed to me, and I accepted it, thinking he'd change over time (of course, that just doesn't happen). But I wanted to believe that it would... I knew that he didn't want anything more than a casual thing with me (although he would never admit it because he wanted to keep me around), but I never gave up hope. His friends knew about me. I've met his cousin and his brother. We'd go out in public together, hold hands, the whole nine yards, but I was never good enough to be called his girlfriend.

 

This time it's done for good. We got into a physical fight, in which he broke my nose (I started hitting him. He could've just pushed me and I would've fallen over, but I guess he felt that punching me was the way to go. I shouldn't have hit him either. I guess I had snapped at that point.) It's only been a day since i last saw him (which was in court, and he wouldnt even look at me). It's been a week and a day since we last spoke.

 

I joined a dating website, just to look around, to see what guys are out there... and there he was. I guess that's how he's been meeting all these girls that i'd find out about one way or another, which led me to ending it with him quite a few times.

 

I just dont know how to deal with my emotions right now. It's been a rollercoaster ride for so long. I'm deeply hurt, although I allowed myself to be played. I feel like the guy I knew, the guy i loved, the guy i gave everything to (he was my first) wasn't even him. I feel like I never even knew him. Everything was a lie. I've put up with his alcoholism (showing up at my place drunker than a dog at 4 in the morning), always putting him first, slacked off in college just to make time to see him, listened to him bitch and moan about his life and his ex girlfriend, but most importantly I wasted my love and affection on someone who didnt deserve it. The sad part is, i KNOW i deserve SO MUCH BETTER! I constantly remind myself of all that he's put me through (and this isn't even half of it) and yet, I still miss him, want him, love him. My brain knows what's right but my heart wont let go..

[lymtal1]

lyeex,

 

i am so rry for what you have gone through. you certainly did not deserve what he has done to you.

 

i understand how you are feeling and so do so many others out here on this site. it is one of the most unknown things that we are having to deal with. when we are so deeply in love with someone it is almost like our heart disconnects and no matter what has been done to us we still can't shake the feeling. and we are all smart enough to understand that what has been done is wrong and in many instances completely unacceptable as what happened to you.

 

the power that our emotions have our thought process when we are going through this is much greater. the emotional state that you have been in is at the level of an addiction. addictions are very hard to break or rationalize.

 

you were an amazing girlfriend, one that he did not deserve. i think you realize what has to happen now and believe you are doing the right things to address them. the reality is, this will not be an easy road. do not get hung up in trying to understand the why's, this will drive you crazy and not help with your recovery and healing. your emotions will be where they are for an extended period of time because of the person you are. it will take time and effort to move on and let go. even if you are letting go of someone that treated you so bad.

 

start your focus on you and and know that you are in a better place without him. beging reading as many of the posts on this site and start establishing a plan suited to you that will help you get through this. there is so much good information here and many people that will support you in many ways.

 

if you can begin no contact and do your best to stay with it do it. that is your first major step. the hardest but certainly the most important. post out here as much as you need and know that this community will help you in any way possible.