Don't know which way to go. ex gf left for boss

[stunned8165]

I posted what happened yesterday and got some great input. But I'm so confused on what to do. It has been about 4 and a half months since she left. Logic tells me to stay away, move on, find someone new. But my heart is being retarded and still cares.. I want to reach out, and I don't want to reach out. But it's the kids and three years of history I have a problem letting go of. I met other woman, dated them, even slept with two. But I end up feeling worse and guilty to boot. But below is basically what happened.. And to add, the jerk she lleft me fore is a huge player. And my ex is a big improvement from the nasty women this guy has been with. He plays on all his employees in a seedy little salad and sandwich joint with a small pub in a seedy part of town. All she cared about was that place for 8 months. It seemed like she cared about that place more then our home and the kids...

 

I dated her for three years she has two young children who just turned 4 and 5 in August. They have no dad in their lives. I am the only Dad they know. I raised them for three years like they were my own, my family adopted them in as if she was my wife and those were my children, I paid the bills when we decided to live together in my home, great area, grade a schools, did 90% of the laundry, took care of the cars, yard, helped cleaned the house and even taught the 5 year old girl how to write her name before kindergarten. The children were from two different fathers. She's 38 years old and I was very good to her.. But what does she do?.. She cheats on me with her boss. Leaves me for him. A real creep too because he's known as a player. Nice huh? Is the grass always greener on the other side?... Well, you and I both know how that will turn out. But I get so confused on how women like to be treated. The guy she left me for is a manipulative little squirt. But self esteem played a role in this I believe. All she got at home was negative energy from the kids who were starved for positive attention from her and quality time. I was the one who gave those kids quality time. All she cared about was that stupid little resteraunt she worked for and the owner. Seedy little dive in a seedy area. She moved into a house in a seedy area too. She took ten steps backwards in life. Go figure

[geegirl]

So, it's been 4 months since the breakup. I am not sure what you've done for yourself during that time but is it safe to say that you have sat there and pined and hoped for her return? Because 4 months of NC, and if you have been working on yourself in terms of healing and filing your void with other things, you would be a little more sure about where you are heading.

 

It almost seems you are standing right where she left you 4 months ago. She does not want to be in an R with you. You have to let go and move on. She's not a healthy partner and won't be because she has issues. She making bad choices in her life and the fact that she has kids that are not getting what they need from her, is enough to tell you that love is not enough.

 

You're afraid to be alone, after all thsi woman and her kids are all you know. The unknown is scary. But 1) she is wanting to be away from you 2) she is not healthy for you 3) there is no security with someone like this so you need to move on 4) she is selfish and self-absorbed. Being afraid is not a justification to settle for less.

 

You need to move on. Don't call her. You are going to cast an even more negative light on yourself if you reach out to her. She has already told you that she does not want to have an R with you. Listen to her. No begging. No trying. No calling. No pleading.

 

She's made choices that best fit her mindset. They may not sit well with you and you may not agree. But it's her life and she has chosen to do what she pleases and those are her kids and unfortunately, they will take the brunt of it.

 

You need to focus on your life and where you want to be and what you want to achieve. You slept with two women and felt horrible because you still have feelings for her. Having sex with someone else doesn't help erase the hurt, it only magnifies it. Focus on other things in your life. Go to the gym and start a workout plan. Go and volunteer at a kids shelter since you love kids. Start a hobby that you're passionate about. Take a trip somewhere by yourself. Take a class that will help you focus on exceling. You've wasted 4 months wondering where to go and you're still at that same spot. You need to be proactive and take charge. She can't make your life better, you have to.

[stunned8165]

So, it's been 4 months since the breakup. I am not sure what you've done for yourself during that time but is it safe to say that you have sat there and pined and hoped for her return? Because 4 months of NC, and if you have been working on yourself in terms of healing and filing your void with other things, you would be a little more sure about where you are heading.

 

It almost seems you are standing right where she left you 4 months ago. She does not want to be in an R with you. You have to let go and move on. She's not a healthy partner and won't be because she has issues. She making bad choices in her life and the fact that she has kids that are not getting what they need from her, is enough to tell you that love is not enough.

 

You're afraid to be alone, after all thsi woman and her kids are all you know. The unknown is scary. But 1) she is wanting to be away from you 2) she is not healthy for you 3) there is no security with someone like this so you need to move on 4) she is selfish and self-absorbed. Being afraid is not a justification to settle for less.

 

You need to move on. Don't call her. You are going to cast an even more negative light on yourself if you reach out to her. She has already told you that she does not want to have an R with you. Listen to her. No begging. No trying. No calling. No pleading.

 

She's made choices that best fit her mindset. They may not sit well with you and you may not agree. But it's her life and she has chosen to do what she pleases and those are her kids and unfortunately, they will take the brunt of it.

 

You need to focus on your life and where you want to be and what you want to achieve. You slept with two women and felt horrible because you still have feelings for her. Having sex with someone else doesn't help erase the hurt, it only magnifies it. Focus on other things in your life. Go to the gym and start a workout plan. Go and volunteer at a kids shelter since you love kids. Start a hobby that you're passionate about. Take a trip somewhere by yourself. Take a class that will help you focus on exceling. You've wasted 4 months wondering where to go and you're still at that same spot. You need to be proactive and take charge. She can't make your life better, you have to.

 

 

Thanks G... But I DO go to the gym... I'm not afraid of being alone. I have a huge family and an army of friends. I stay busy wether working on the house, riding my motorcycle, I have taken a few trips and so much more. Don't get me wrong. In the begining I did do some pining. And I won't lie. I tried to reach out a little. And I know she is toxic and no good for me. I HAVE dated other people, gotten intimate behind closed doors with a couple of them if you know what I mean. But the fact still remians that I feel guily when I do that. Is it because of my true commitment to them. I know I have to let that go. If I get any busier wether at night, the weekends or here at work, I'm going to fall over from exshaustion.. : )

[geegirl]

Thanks G... But I DO go to the gym... I'm not afraid of being alone. I have a huge family and an army of friends. I stay busy wether working on the house, riding my motorcycle, I have taken a few trips and so much more. Don't get me wrong. In the begining I did do some pining. And I won't lie. I tried to reach out a little. And I know she is toxic and no good for me. I HAVE dated other people, gotten intimate behind closed doors with a couple of them if you know what I mean. But the fact still remians that I feel guily when I do that. Is it because of my true commitment to them. I know I have to let that go. If I get any busier wether at night, the weekends or here at work, I'm going to fall over from exshaustion.. : )

 

I think you have to start thinking rationally and not with your heart anymore. I know in your heart you always want to do the right thing and when you love, you want to protect and care, be the provider, show courage and strength. But you can't protect and care for someone and her kids when they're not there anymore.

 

How can you commit to someone that does not want that commitment from you? I don't think it's commitment but I think it's your feelings that are still keeping you attached. You were content with the life of a happy family and you had the security of it for awhile and now that it's gone you feel you've lost yourself because it's been a huge part of your life. It's normal to feel that attachment but it's not right for you to still want to keep giving of yourself to something that is not there.

 

Feel guilty if you abandoned her and the kids. I can understand that. But how can you feel guilty when you gave it your all and it was her choice to terminate the relationship with her and her kids? You have to stop feeling with your heart and start thinking about the reality of what was and what it should be, moving forward. You feel guilty when you are with other women? You're not in an R with her. She is sleeping with other men. You don't owe her anything. You're putting your life on hold for someone who is not even there. See?

 

It's normal to romanticize and idealize the R, but you have to see it for what it is. Just don't call her when you start to have these thoughts. It doesn't change the reality. Keep moving on and keep healing.

[wilsonx]

I posted what happened yesterday and got some great input. But I'm so confused on what to do. It has been about 4 and a half months since she left. Logic tells me to stay away, move on, find someone new. But my heart is being retarded and still cares.. I want to reach out, and I don't want to reach out. But it's the kids and three years of history I have a problem letting go of. I met other woman, dated them, even slept with two. But I end up feeling worse and guilty to boot. But below is basically what happened.. And to add, the jerk she lleft me fore is a huge player. And my ex is a big improvement from the nasty women this guy has been with. He plays on all his employees in a seedy little salad and sandwich joint with a small pub in a seedy part of town. All she cared about was that place for 8 months. It seemed like she cared about that place more then our home and the kids...

 

I dated her for three years she has two young children who just turned 4 and 5 in August. They have no dad in their lives. I am the only Dad they know. I raised them for three years like they were my own, my family adopted them in as if she was my wife and those were my children, I paid the bills when we decided to live together in my home, great area, grade a schools, did 90% of the laundry, took care of the cars, yard, helped cleaned the house and even taught the 5 year old girl how to write her name before kindergarten. The children were from two different fathers. She's 38 years old and I was very good to her.. But what does she do?.. She cheats on me with her boss. Leaves me for him. A real creep too because he's known as a player. Nice huh? Is the grass always greener on the other side?... Well, you and I both know how that will turn out. But I get so confused on how women like to be treated. The guy she left me for is a manipulative little squirt. But self esteem played a role in this I believe. All she got at home was negative energy from the kids who were starved for positive attention from her and quality time. I was the one who gave those kids quality time. All she cared about was that stupid little resteraunt she worked for and the owner. Seedy little dive in a seedy area. She moved into a house in a seedy area too. She took ten steps backwards in life. Go figure

 

I was going to do this on your other post but I figured it was a recent breakup so I left it alone. But you are 4 months out and I am going to teach you something.

Hopefully a lot of people read this and understand what I am about to say because this pertains to a lot of breakups.

 

This is a GIGS breakup. It has everything there. Toxic/Hurt partner, Caretaker/Nice person.

 

I am not even going to comment on her because its 4 months out and the focus needs not to be on her anymore, it needs to be on you.

 

My number 1 question for you! Was this a 50/50 relationship. The answer according to what you posted, probably not. You probably gave a LOT more then you received. This is not a relationship. Its that simple.

 

You commented that the guy she left you for was a manipulative creep/player. Guess what, he probably was. What you do not understand is that caretakers are manipulative too. They put all their time and energy into something and when they get no reward out of it, they get mad/resentful/ and more controlling.

 

As a person, you are just as much responsible for the hurt you are feeling now as she is. A relationship ending is 50/50 unless you ended it at the moment the cheating occurred or when you realized it happened. You can say I did nothing wrong in this relationship but at 4 months, you are starting to see some of the red flags that you missed before. With someone like her, theres a factory full of red flags, you just chose to accept and ignore them.

 

You have to drop the caretaking mentality. Thats not what a relationship is. Its 50/50 with communication. It can swing some back and forth but giving more then you receive is undermining your own personal networth and enabling her to use you until she gets what she wants and then cut you free.

 

So how do you stop being a caretaker in a relationship? #1 improve your self esteem and confidence. To be in a relationship with someone as toxic and hurt as her, you have to have extremely low self esteem and confidence, otherwise you would have walked a lot sooner. #2 stand up for yourself, if you dont like something fix it and do something about it. #3 dont fear rejection, if someone doesnt want to be in a relationship with you, shake their hand wish them on their merry way and move on to the next person. if you dont like something about somebody else and its driving you insane and you just cant accept it, communicate it to them and if nothing happens, leave. #4 YOU CANT CHANGE PEOPLE (stop being captain fix a hoe) their problems are their problems, let them fix them on their own. you are not responsible for their past emotional baggage. this is a red flag, if they keep bringing up their past, thats emotional baggage.

 

Stop talking to her, stick to NC and move on. Shes 38 years old, shes done this her entire life, 2 kids by 2 different dads, shes not going to change, but you can. Change for you and only you

[ludovico]

wilson... i love you! strictly in a platonic way

[stunned8165]

I was going to do this on your other post but I figured it was a recent breakup so I left it alone. But you are 4 months out and I am going to teach you something.

 

Hopefully a lot of people read this and understand what I am about to say because this pertains to a lot of breakups.

 

This is a GIGS breakup. It has everything there. Toxic/Hurt partner, Caretaker/Nice person.

 

I am not even going to comment on her because its 4 months out and the focus needs not to be on her anymore, it needs to be on you.

 

My number 1 question for you! Was this a 50/50 relationship. The answer according to what you posted, probably not. You probably gave a LOT more then you received. This is not a relationship. Its that simple.

 

You commented that the guy she left you for was a manipulative creep/player. Guess what, he probably was. What you do not understand is that caretakers are manipulative too. They put all their time and energy into something and when they get no reward out of it, they get mad/resentful/ and more controlling.

 

As a person, you are just as much responsible for the hurt you are feeling now as she is. A relationship ending is 50/50 unless you ended it at the moment the cheating occurred or when you realized it happened. You can say I did nothing wrong in this relationship but at 4 months, you are starting to see some of the red flags that you missed before. With someone like her, theres a factory full of red flags, you just chose to accept and ignore them.

 

You have to drop the caretaking mentality. Thats not what a relationship is. Its 50/50 with communication. It can swing some back and forth but giving more then you receive is undermining your own personal networth and enabling her to use you until she gets what she wants and then cut you free.

 

So how do you stop being a caretaker in a relationship? #1 improve your self esteem and confidence. To be in a relationship with someone as toxic and hurt as her, you have to have extremely low self esteem and confidence, otherwise you would have walked a lot sooner. #2 stand up for yourself, if you dont like something fix it and do something about it. #3 dont fear rejection, if someone doesnt want to be in a relationship with you, shake their hand wish them on their merry way and move on to the next person. if you dont like something about somebody else and its driving you insane and you just cant accept it, communicate it to them and if nothing happens, leave. #4 YOU CANT CHANGE PEOPLE (stop being captain fix a hoe) their problems are their problems, let them fix them on their own. you are not responsible for their past emotional baggage. this is a red flag, if they keep bringing up their past, thats emotional baggage.

 

Stop talking to her, stick to NC and move on. Shes 38 years old, shes done this her entire life, 2 kids by 2 different dads, shes not going to change, but you can. Change for you and only you

 

 

You are probably right about many things here. But the fact still remains that I love and miss the kids and what was once my family. I know I have to let this go and I can no long be "Captain fix a hoe".. And you are probably right about the GIGS syndrome. She was put back on the bar and it seems she regressed to her partying days and things got worse after that. And she does have a self esteem problem.... I did run from this relationship in it's early stages but she kept coming after me. But what I did was not judge her by where she was at in life. I judged her by what she looked in my eyes and told me she wanted in life. We were a great couple for over two years. She came a long way. So I let my gaurd down and got zapped. . She has great potentiel, but she seems to be easily infuenced by others. I still believe something with him is going to happen and she is going to wake up. I also know that the kids to this day still talk about me and miss me. .. But I also know I have to find a way to let go. I do go to the gym, I have an army of family and friends and try to stay busy. But I still get these tapes that play over and over in my head about the kids crying to me that they don't want to move. I was thier Dad. The only one they know. They had 3yrs of getting close with all my little cousins, my parents which became their grand parent. They had family, MY family. My ex has NO family of her own except for her Mom which I'm starting to believe plays a major role in my ex's issues. And now, I fear the holidays coming up.. But I know I will survive this. I know I will prevail. I'm just not looking forward to the bumpy ride.