Can't seem to shake it.

[Onlyjonley]

First post! Hi!

 

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 4 months, though we "dated" long distance for about 6 months before that. He is a great guy, comes from a solid family, and shares the same morals/values as me. We have a healthy relationship 95% of the time and have had no major problems. He treats me great (aside from his typical guy moments) and tries to be very understanding.

 

To give a little bit of some background info on my recent dating history -- my last boyfriend was unfaithful. I had never been cheated on before him and was completely blindsided when I found out. I never would have guessed it was going on and never thought he would do something like that. We had had our issues but he was so set on making things work, him cheating never crossed my mind. And of course it took a bit of a toll on my self-esteem.

 

So needless to say, I'm much more careful now and of course, I have some trust issues I have been working through. Until recently, they haven't really affected my new relationship and I have been determined to trust my boyfriend and give him privacy. I won't go through his phone or email or anything unless I feel like there is suspicious activity going on. I just don't believe in snooping.

 

Anyway, my boyfriend's ex from 3 or 4 years ago has been contacting him lately. They didn't date for very long and have stayed on good terms, especially since she is still friends with all of his friends. She also comes with some baggage -- she is currently in a rehab program for alcoholism. In the last month, she has wanted to hang out with my boy a couple times while she has been in town. The first time she texted him, he made plans with some of his friends to go eat with her and automatically let me know about it to see if it was okay. I said it was fine as long as it didn't become a constant thing.

 

Then a week later, she texts him and is wanting to hang out again. But I only found out because I overheard him telling one of his friends she was going to be in town again the next day. I got upset for a couple of reasons:

 

1. I figured that meant he was hanging out with her again.

2. I didn't like that he didn't tell me about it.

 

So we talked about it. He said he hadn't planned on hanging out with her and hadn't even texted her back. He showed me the texts, let me know there were no lingering feelings for her and that there was nothing to worry about.

 

So I tried to let that go. I didn't bring it up again. This past weekend, we were sitting on the couch watching football with all of his friends. He got a text from her while we were sitting there but automatically put his phone down, most likely so I wouldn't see who it was from. But not before I noticed he had deleted all of his texts from in his inbox (he has an iPhone so all text conversations are in one spot.) His previous conversations with her had been deleted. Two things that upset me here:

 

1. He didn't want me that she had texted him.

2. He had deleted all texts from her, making me feel he was hiding things from me.

 

I confronted him about it at halftime. He claimed he wanted to cut all communication with her for fear it would threaten our relationship. So he says that's why he deleted all of her texts and that he hasn't responded to anything she has sent him. He also told one of his close friends that when she's in town and wants to hang out with their group, one of them needs to take care of it from now on because he wasn't getting mixed up in it.

He went on to say again that there is nothing going on, that he was sorry if his behavior seemed suspicious, and that he understands I've been through this before and would never do anything like that to me. He told me he wants to make our relationship last and that he really cares about me.

 

I want to believe him. He really is a good guy and being unfaithful would be so out of character for him. But I was so burned in the past, I worry "What if he's cheating on me and I'm completely oblivious to it once again?" and "What if everything he's telling me is complete bull****? What if he doesn't mean a word of it?"

 

Like I said, I want to believe him. And this isn't fair for him if nothing is going on. But I can't shake the feeling. I want to be able to trust fully in a relationship again, dang it. This is exhausting.