Bruised Not Broken Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Okay...you dump your "ex". You want to maintain contact...but do NOT give any 'breadcrumbs'...never any "maybe someday" bologna. You kn ow how much you hurt the ex...you know how much she is suffering...and yet, you make nasty comments about her moving on...meeting "mr. perfect". There is no question the ex loves you and would take you back..you don't want that...then WHY BE BITTER about the ex moving on?? I am so tired of getting nasty snarky comments. I didn't do anything to cause our break up. His words I "loved him more than anyone ever had" but, he needed to do the single thing and he knew he destroyed my trust in him by cheating, and so it had to end....doesn't want me back. So why be mean to someone you KNOW adores you?? I'm so tired of letting him get under my skin. I finally flipped out, and after the things I said, I may never hear from him again...but Seriously??? WHY be bitter when it is YOUR CHOICE??? I asked him...he just ignores the question. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I really have no clue about this subset of human behavior. I've only been 'dumper' a few times in life and, when I'm done, it's like a black hole. I totally disappear, not purposefully, but rather because there's no reason nor desire to ever have contact with that person again. As an example, of late, I've even been saying positive things about my exW's live-in BF (we still share mutual friends) and have been expressing empathy for him as I begin to hear about her doing the same things to him as she did to me. At one point, I even suggested that perhaps he contact me so as to get the inside scoop on what lies ahead for him. However, the reality of him living in the house I paid for causes me to resist this feeling of 'helpfulness'. You're likely dealing with an emotionally immature, game-playing man. Sometimes the winning move is not to play. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
jyoun Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I'm not sure in your situation, but in mine she dumped me and then followed up saying a bunch of horrible untrue things about how I felt, what I did, etc... I believe it's mostly anger over the loss of a loved one. Anger, perhaps as a way to overcome extreme sadness or guilt. Some of us have an extremely hard time admitting the mistakes we may've made, and it's easier to blame others and get mad. It may be something entirely different though. It could be anger over something you did to them, that claiming to love someone then letting them get hurt so much is such a cruel thing to do, OF COURSE one must get angry and try and fight back? Maybe it's some sort of primal instinct, like fighting over your stolen sense of security and comfort, as if someone else is trying to steal it, or kill it, away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 Some of us have an extremely hard time admitting the mistakes we may've made, and it's easier to blame others and get mad. It may be something entirely different though. It could be anger over something you did to them, that claiming to love someone then letting them get hurt so much is such a cruel thing to do, OF COURSE one must get angry and try and fight back? Well, I finally just asked again...flat out. I said, I have tried to maintain some type of friendship, wrong or right, I don't know..I know you were not like this with XYZ (other exs) and I just don't understand why you are like this with me. WHAT DID I DO??? PLEASE tell me. If you don't want to talk, fine...tell me...if you hate me that much it's fine...But, being so mean after YOU left ME is just cruel - I didn't leave you...this was all your choice." And, he replied...it's different..because i care about you. My response was "you care so you are MEAN???" He said "I didn't say those things to hurt you, I'm really very sorry" He was never very good at answering direct questions...so I'm not surprised at his meandering responses. So, I'm going to just chalk it up to that irony that he doesn't want me...but doesn't want anyone else to have me either. And he is being childish by being mean. I guess I need to file this in the "reasons to be glad he is not my problem anymore" file. Link to post Share on other sites
jyoun Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 being childish by being mean. I would say "it's only human", but honestly I'm not sure what being angry towards someone else feels like. I know I was mean to this one kid when I was younger and I feel horrible about it and have since tried to apologize... I think I was in 1st or 2nd grade... well, I learned my lesson then. I didn't get in trouble, but the aweful sinking feeling in me as I imagined what the other kid was going through really hit me hard and since then I'm extremely careful about hurting others. Of course, with love, there is a huge potential for hurt if things don't go perfect. Maybe it's inevitable, like those two things go together? You can try and learn how to deal with it in a healthy manner. Like, believe he doesn't mean it, try not to take it personally, etc... obviously that doesn't work in every case, but when two people truly love each other I always felt they should know when their attempts to hurt one another are genuine or simply out of a general sense of frustration. Anger, I can't really talk about. I simply believe it's a waste of energy, in almost every case anyways. You can learn to take it for a little while, in hopes that the anger will calm down and the personal dishing it out comes to some sort of realization and then apologizes? I doubt much anger in this world is really justified, and more often then not originates from one's own insecurities? I don't know, that's just my opinion. Still young and learning 'bout this stuff myself Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 I hear what you are saying about anger being a waste of energy...it's really poisonous to us. But, I do think it's a natural part of the grieving process when someone leaves you, either through choice or through death. But, the dumpER I just don't think has that right. I went through an angry stage...I got through it. He dumped me like a hot potatoe with no warning...and left me completely turned upside down. Yes, I was angry. But I have processed it and my anger over that has healed. But him being bitter and angry to me when he is the one that chose to leave makes no sense to me. This was HIS choice. I didn't do this to him. Link to post Share on other sites
jyoun Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 yeah I just don't get it, and don't think you deserve that Link to post Share on other sites
Thieves Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I finally flipped out, and after the things I said, I may never hear from him again...but Seriously??? WHY be bitter when it is YOUR CHOICE??? I asked him...he just ignores the question. One day, and I do hope it will be soon, you'll stop questioning the things he did and realize that the reasons why he did this doesn't change the outcome. It doesn't change the fact that it still happened, and that he allowed it to happen. Once this fully sinks in for you, dear B, it will all become clear for you. I used to feel the exact same way as you. I'd think all day and night about why he would act slightly jealous if he's the one that chose another girl over me, if he's the one that is with someone else and not me. About why he would rub his success with women in my face if he said he cared about me so much, if he said he loved me. But then at some time or another, I just stopped asking why. I stopped wanting to get direct answers from him. Because it won't change anything, it won't change how things turned out, and it still doesn't excuse the way he acted. No, it's not right for him to be bitter toward you if he left you, and it's not right for him to make snarky comments if he's the one that cheated. But you know what? That's all you need to know. That he is treating you in an unfair way and that you don't deserve it. So why continue to take it? Why he's doing it doesn't matter. He's not treating you fairly, point blank. He made his choice, now he has to live with it whether he regrets it or not. If you don't want to hear anymore snarky comments from him, then it's best to stop talking to him for a long time. If you don't want any scars, stop scratching the bumps, hands off, and let them heal on their own. Simple. Or you could keep trying to dig deep for answers from him, but I don't think any you get will ever be satsifying enough. Maybe for a day or two, but then you'll think up more questions, wanting more answers... Link to post Share on other sites
antz2411 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 im starting to believe each day that passes you become more hopeless haha Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 Thieves, ur right...there is always one more question. Antz....u may be right...I may just be hopeless. I'm not sad....just feel like quitting. Link to post Share on other sites
antz2411 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Thieves, ur right...there is always one more question. Antz....u may be right...I may just be hopeless. I'm not sad....just feel like quitting. yeh, quit that guy! not life! whats wrong with you? Link to post Share on other sites
antz2411 Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 A person needs only to know their values bruiser! i thought you said you knew them? My values are ambition, integrity, intelligence, independence (the real kind), pride, self-esteem, desire to work, desire to live. These are the things I love. If I should see these values in a woman, there is a very big chance I will love her. But I love virtue and honor above all else, and I love myself as an exponent of the things I value. I define romantic love as the recognition of your values in another. do you see your values reflect upon your ex? your heart is only a weak fortress, susceptible to any fraud, when your values are weak and your mind is a mess. Know the things you value--and when you actually know what you value, no person can ever hurt you. Any pain or suffering you might encounter is not theirs to give you. how can you know these things when you dont give yourself time to reflect not on a broken relationship but YOU? you need to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
TLCbear Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 BNB, you really need to let this go, why ole why are you so focused on this guy...not to mention still talking to him? I know everyone handle things differently, but geez, give it a rest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 A person needs only to know their values bruiser! i thought you said you knew them? My values are ambition, integrity, intelligence, independence (the real kind), pride, self-esteem, desire to work, desire to live. These are the things I love. If I should see these values in a woman, there is a very big chance I will love her. But I love virtue and honor above all else, and I love myself as an exponent of the things I value. I define romantic love as the recognition of your values in another. do you see your values reflect upon your ex? your heart is only a weak fortress, susceptible to any fraud, when your values are weak and your mind is a mess. Know the things you value--and when you actually know what you value, no person can ever hurt you. Any pain or suffering you might encounter is not theirs to give you. how can you know these things when you dont give yourself time to reflect not on a broken relationship but YOU? you need to let go. Wait...I know what I value. I value love and caring and kindness...I guess I value loving and caring others more than myself though. I truly am one of the best friends anyone could have, because if you are my friend, I would go to the ends of the earth to help you....and I guess I accept less than I deserve and overlook poor treatment....Flaw. I accept the relationship is over...I just can't seem to stop caring...or stop wanting this person in my life.....even as less than I wanted. But, you're right...I have no choice but to let go...I'm just mentally hanging on like a pit bull on a poodle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 BNB, you really need to let this go, why ole why are you so focused on this guy...not to mention still talking to him? I know everyone handle things differently, but geez, give it a rest. Seriously? Give it a rest? Thought this board was for someone struggling with coping with the end of the relationship....so clearing if I could just "give it a rest" I wouldn't need to be here...but thank for the the suggestion. Feel free not to read my posts if they are wearing you out. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Just because they've found someone new, I don't think that's on to dump people by text and also be rude and hostile to the dumpee. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Just give up on him. You already know you're not going to get the answer you want from him, and you are setting yourself up for more punishment. Link to post Share on other sites
TLCbear Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 (edited) Seriously? Give it a rest? Thought this board was for someone struggling with coping with the end of the relationship....so clearing if I could just "give it a rest" I wouldn't need to be here...but thank for the the suggestion. Feel free not to read my posts if they are wearing you out. This board for is coping but don't you think you are going over board posting numerous of threads about the same thing. It's obvious you are not over this guy, I get that, but what I don't understand is why you are still talking to this guy when clearly you are constantly being disrepected by him...you constantly allow him to hit your nerve...and then come on here crying about the same thing..."why he treats me like this"...."why he say rude things to me"....when the real question should be "why are you still talking to him." There is honestly no friendship between the two of you and I do not know why you are forcing yourself to believe this. For all you know, this guy could be doing what he is doing to just get under your skin...may not have anything to do with him being bitter or jealous. Coping is about trying to get over the break up and move on, which is clearly what you are not trying to do. And by the way, your threads are not wearing me out, I just think it's quite pathetic to allow someone to have control over you like this. Edited October 15, 2011 by TLCbear Link to post Share on other sites
antz2411 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 TLC is right bruiser. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 I really have no clue about this subset of human behavior. I've only been 'dumper' a few times in life and, when I'm done, it's like a black hole. I totally disappear, not purposefully, but rather because there's no reason nor desire to ever have contact with that person again. As an example, of late, I've even been saying positive things about my exW's live-in BF (we still share mutual friends) and have been expressing empathy for him as I begin to hear about her doing the same things to him as she did to me. At one point, I even suggested that perhaps he contact me so as to get the inside scoop on what lies ahead for him. However, the reality of him living in the house I paid for causes me to resist this feeling of 'helpfulness'. You're likely dealing with an emotionally immature, game-playing man. Sometimes the winning move is not to play. Good luck my most used phrase of late has been "no reason to play a game you can't win". it applies to many things, completely agree. Link to post Share on other sites
antz2411 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 6) Forgive yourself and forgive your ex. Once you can achieve this then you free yourself of the grip they have around you. You are free to move on with your life. No matter what your ex did to you, forgive them. By forgiving them we take away the power they have over us and give it back to ourselves. Forgive yourself means you stop beating yourself up over mistakes. You accept what has happened, forgive yourself and leave it in the past.. thats from mack05 bruiser.. he is a poster in this thread.. i know for a fact you still havent forgiven yourself.. so therefore you cant forgive him for what he did.. your current posts just justifies what im saying right now.. you still keep lying to yourself.. and like i told you before the 1st time i met you in this forum.. its called selfLOVE - you have still have none! Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 I find true forgiveness difficult. Especially when you didnt even recieve an apology and they have zero remorse. And they continue doing the same thing* to other people. Broken I know how you feel as my ex did EXACTLY the same thing to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 I'm tired of giving a "F" (excuse the language) I'm just tired of giving it any thought...tired of giving it any tears....just tired. I have been too tired to even think abou thim...the past..what he did and didn't do. I think I am just wearing myself out. Not feeling "serene" not at peace with it...Just exhausted from the mental marathon I keep running. Keep trying to "think" myself to a resolution. I analyze by nature...by profession and so I try to analyze this..and I am just exhausted. As I told him the other day...I feel like he "won" and I "lost"...He moved on to a happy life he didn't think I was/could give him...found someone he deemed "better" than me...and you know what...I don't care anymore. Game OVER. Time to move on to the next phase of my life. But...Not jumping into another relationship for a while..I need to learn to be happy on my own. So if I lose someone again, I won't lose myself again. Link to post Share on other sites
antz2411 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 bruiser you know everytime i read the things you say... i picture this chick.. crying while shes typing. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 bruiser you know everytime i read the things you say... i picture this chick.. crying while shes typing. lol LOL Well, i wasn't crying this morning...a few of them i was...but I promise...this one was dry eyed I am getting tired of reapplying my mascara so the tears need to stop pronto. Bright side....I start my new job tomorrow....will be INSANELY busy...huge opportunity for me...so something new and importantly and productive to focus on Yaaaaay ME. (and the pay check triple what I was making won't hurt in the cheer me up department either Link to post Share on other sites
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