Adult with controlling parents

[sb5683]

Hi,

 

I am 22 and married, almost done with college (I have one class left I'm taking online and did the rest of my degree on campus before I got married), and living 1500 miles away from my family. I thought moving so far away was a blessing, because I thought my problems with my family would go away, but not much has changed. I really need some perspective.

 

First of all, I love my parents. They are wonderful people, but I feel like sometimes they take me further from the things I want out of caring. I'm an only child though, so they don't have anyone else really to focus on. My parents are very smart, and I like having their advice on things, but lately I don't even want to tell them things because they don't really agree with anything my husband or I want. I have to tiptoe around them so they don't blow up on me.

 

Right now there's a big string attached. My parents cosigned for my car loan because for some reason it's impossible to get a car loan these days even with good credit. It's a cheap used car in great condition and we have very good credit, but for some reason the banks either won't finance a car before 2005, or they just won't let us have a loan without a cosigner. In a normal cosigner situation, they just sign the papers, we pay the bills, and nothing ever really happens. Not the case with us. They're scared we're going to hurt their credit (we ALWAYS pay our bills on time but two or three times very early on I asked for help with other bills because I was getting use to budgeting and bill paying, and now a year later we no longer need help but I think that stick with them). They insist we mail them a check every month and THEY pay the bill, instead of the easier and less expensive option of us paying the bill online like we do with everything else. God forbid my husband loses the checkbook in the house and I don't send the check days in advance like I said I would. God forbid any unforseen circumstances occur. I've begged them since day one to just trust me and let me pay my own bill. The loan is not in their name, it's in MY name. They are just cosigning. Not only is this whole check thing a hassle for me, it's a huge hassle for them too.

 

My mom recently had a brain tumor operation. Not cancerous, but it was causing seizures and they have huge medical bills now because of it- their insurance makes them pay so much before insurance takes over the bills. It was a huge scare for me and I've tried to get closer to them and talk to them more, but now it's backfiring on me just like everything else I do. If I don't send them that check on time, they have to pay out of pocket and be stressed about money. I don't want that. I've begged them to just let me pay the bill online because this is a constant source of stress for me, but they refuse to hear it. I feel like it's just another way for them to dig their claws into me. I don't want to feel that way, but I do because they won't listen to reason. I feel like they're making things much harder on all of us. And for what? If the slightest little thing goes wrong- if we've got a lot going on, or if my husband loses the checkbook in the house (he often does that, it's easy to lose things in a cramped cluttered space) then all hell breaks loose. I hate feeling like a scolded child when I am a responsible adult and I can take care of myself. I'm not a newbie at bill paying anymore, I don't need help with money. Yet they don't trust me, and because of that they have to make my life harder. I'm in control of my finances and I keep accurate spreadsheets outlining every last monthly expense and every extra expense we make each month.

 

Here's the other problem. Renting where we live is a huge waste of money. We live in a military town that is vastly expanding and has a very bright future in the real estate market, and I am very happy living here. However, our neighborhood where we rent is undergoing road construction that sometimes blocks my husband from getting to work. Since then we've started parking on the street and walking to our car so we don't get blocked in. The construction makes it hard to concentrate on my schoolwork or anything else because of all the banging, beeping, and yelling coming through paper thin walls. Also, the people two doors down from us and everyone else down the road from there have dogs that they leave outside all day and all night, and they like to bark incessantly at nothing all night and we can't sleep here. Thirdly and perhaps the most important, our house is anything but energy efficient. In the hot 100 degree summers, we were paying 370 for electric each month! Now that it's fall I expect our bills to be lower, but I can't handle another summer throwing money away on window air conditioner units that have to be on all day just for the house to be somewhat bearable.

 

My husband and I are really wanting to invest in buying an energy efficient house. We have found the perfect one, it is inexpensive and would allow us to live below our means and save tons of money, and the electric bills would be around 100 dollars a month, maybe less considering we're very careful about electricity usage. We have been preapproved for the loan and everything looks great, the house would be finished being built by the time our lease is up in our current rental. But even though my husband and I both love this house and think it is a fantastic investment, with the real estate inflation set to occur within the next few years, I am scared to committ. My parents have invested in buying a house many times, and they were my husband's age when they bought their first home. Yet they are very vocal that they don't think we should buy a house.

 

My dad's advice is well founded, but I don't think quite well researched. My husband is in the army. There are obvious benefits and caveats to buying a home in the military. If he were to be transferred to another base, I'd have to stay until we could sell or rent the house out. However, in our situation this is not going to happen. He is going to be at the same base for the next three years or so, he is locked in for a deployment in 2013 and they have already begun training, and right after that he's out of the military. Everyone who was supposed to move to another base has already done so. We are going to contact the people we need to contact to make absolutely certain he will be here long term before we sign any contracts. We have emergency plans and funds set aside just in case. We made sure the payment would be very close to housing allowance so we could rent to another military family if we need to, and we picked a house with a good floorplan in a good area with excellent resale value potential. We've been very responsible about the whole thing and my husband is sure this is the right thing to do. However, I don't know if I can make the committment.

 

What happens when I have to tell my parents my new mailing address? They'd be furious if we bought a house because it's the exact opposite of the advice they gave us. I look up to my dad and nearly always take his advice on everything, but he's gone off on me before for not taking one piece of his advice and saying I don't respect him, despite the fact that I was saying everything to the contrary and I have a lot of respect for him, I just can't make him see it without doing everything he says. It was a much more minor thing than this. I can't even imagine how they'd react to this.

 

I keep thinking "I'm grown up now. I have a great husband who takes good care of me and is very smart. I am 1500 miles away so it's not like they can do anything except text me a billion times saying they're mad at me and disappointed in me." But that's the thing- I'm terrified of disappointing them. My family is big on cutting each other off. They don't do the "forgive and forget" thing. My grandmother on my dad's side was a terrible person. She cut off my aunt and made her seem like a terrible person, I grew up thinking she was evil and being scared of ever seeing her again. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I probably shouldn't have trusted a woman who hit me and sometimes scratched my face pointing fingers at me when my parents weren't around to protect me. My dad eventually cut her off because she tried to brainwash everyone that my mom was evil, and again nothing could be further from the truth. Even on my mom's side, my mom cut her brother off simply because he was kind of a jerk to her sometimes. No big fallout, just didn't like him. I'm scared that if I disappoint them, don't finish school, or do anything different from what they tell me to do, that I'll be cut off too. I don't have much other family, other than my grandparents, who I love SO much. My in laws are great, I adore my mother in law and father in law, and my husbands grandparents. But his siblings cause a lot of craziness so it's hard to get involved in the family- the siblings are very controlling of my husband and they don't like that he's not easily manipulated. The sister doesn't like me even though yet again I try very hard to get her to like me and make things peaceful, but then again she hates anyone new coming into the family. As far as myself, I want a family of my own some day, to have children and all that. But I'm definitely not ready for that yet. If my parents cut me off, I don't have much else. I almost lost my mom once, I don't want to lose both of them over some stupid disagreement. But I feel like that's inevitable if I want to do what's right for myself.

 

I'm sick of wasting tons and tons of money on something that isn't right for me or my husband, and passing up a wonderful opportunity, and having a home we can call our own. My husband is all for this, and I want this SO much. I feel like my parents shouldn't even be factored into this decision. But somehow, no matter what I do, my first concern is always "What will they think"?

 

Am I being a bad daughter for wanting to do what I want to do? Am I being a bad wife for always worrying more about what my parents think than my husband thinks? I feel like no matter what I'm always wrong. I would much rather let my husband lead me in life, but he's not the controlling type, he pretty much lets me make the decisions. So I have a choice to make. And I'm afraid that my choice is going to have serious consequences. I just want to be happy. I'm not happy having to constantly report in to my parents and be stressed out about "What are they going to yell at me for now?"

 

Of course this is a bigger issue than just these few little things. I kind of need some perspective on this, maybe someone who's been in a similar situation and how they dealt with it? Standing up to my parents is not an option unless I want to be cut out of their lives forever. I'd never forgive myself if something happened to them and I wasn't there for them, even if they were the ones who made it so. I love them, but I feel like they only love me based on the condition that I do what they want me to do. Finish college, don't have kids til you're older, don't buy a house, don't have dogs (that last ship has sailed, we have two dogs, but my parents turned out to be surprisingly accepting in that situation.)

 

Is it better to be controlled all the time, or go my own way and risk losing them forever?

[Emilia]

People can only control you if you let them. What happens when you have children of your own? Will your parents tell you how to bring them up?

 

Until you rely on your parents for any kind of financial assistance (I understand it's hard to get credit at the moment, same in the UK) you won't be independent and they simply won't respect you. If you can't take credit on a pre-2005 car, you should buy a more expensive one that you can get credit for, rather than get your parents name on it. You and your husband must take all the financial decisions and risks, this is what being and adult and being married means.

 

People are different but I would never let anyone 'lead me'. Your husband sounds like a good man, the two of you should make joint decisions about your future, it isn't anyone else's business really.

 

Your parents are pretty evil if they emotionally blackmail you into letting them control you. Why would you want to be part of a family like that? Your husband is your family now and your future children, their happiness is what matters most, the rest is secondary

[Mystique2011]

Emilia- I don't agree that financial independence will get a parent to respect you. A controlling, abusive and narcissistic parent will NEVER respect you no matter how financially independent you are. I'm not saying her parents are narcissistic, but it's possible for a parent to refuse to respect their child no matter what. My mom's justification for not respecting me is "You're my daughter. I gave birth to you. Why should I respect you?" Some parents think that their kids are property, no matter how old they are, no matter how successful, no matter how mature, etc.

 

I also don't agree with the idea "Your parents will control you if you let them." That's like saying "Your husband beats you, because you let him." People are controlled by their parents, because they know they will get punished severely if they try to break free. Sure, a healthy parent will respect an adult child's boundary and a difference of opinion. A toxic parent won't. After years of chronic abuse by the toxic parent, the adult child is left with no self-esteem and an overwhelming feeling of guilt and helplessness. Many therapists say that adult children trying to break free from abusive parents are up for a fight for their life.

 

Getting my parents to lay off the financial strings was like a nasty and long-standing divorce. People need to understand how things work legally, and that things don't happen overnight. It took 6 months to get my car transferred into my name, because the state I live in works that way. It took a long time to get my dad to agree to take my cell phone off the family plan, because the cell phone company wouldn't let me do it myself. If my dad refused to take me off the family plan, the cell phone company had to respect his wishes sine he was the main account holder. Changing my number didn't seem to feasible. After much pleading, he finally agreed and now I feel better taking care of my own cell phone bills.

 

 

Before any of you judge, be aware that parents from different countries don't like the idea of an unmarried woman being independent. My parents are adamant that they want to help me out as long as I'm single. My therapist said to accept my parents' money as financial restitution for the abuse they've inflicted in the past. If financial support is all they can do, I let them.

 

To the OP-good luck! You absolutely have every right to live your life how you want. Going against your parents' wishes doesn't mean you are disrespecting them or that you are a bad daughter. It may be hard to do it alone or overnight, so seek out some professional help on how to deal with controlling parents.

 

I feel extremely passionate about the issue of adults still being controlled by parents. It's not the adult child's fault, and I don't like those that blame the adult victim either. Only those that grew up in our situation know how conflicted it is.

Edited October 19, 2011 by Mystique2011

[2sure]

Regarding the loan your parents cosigned for:

It is their loan, they are responsible for it. Given their current financial burden of medical expenses they are right in wanting to be sure their credit is pristine in case they need it. The only way they can do that is to control the loan payments. Not you. The payments. Since you are so well organized and budget friendly, whats the big deal to send them the check? A problem finding the checkbook probably looks to them like you are not so diligent.

 

Re: the house purchase. You are an adult . I am betting your parents are thinking you should wait to purchase a house until you have graduated from college and working in your chosen field. I am also betting they have concerns about your husbands employment after his military service is over. They no doubt have been reading that returning veterans are having a really hard time finding jobs and supporting their families so they are re-enlisting. Since you are only 22, waiting 2 or 3 years to make the life altering financial committment of purchasing a house while neither of you have solid future employement...seems risky.

 

But you are adults. You get to make your own choices even if they are mistakes in the eyes of others. There will always be something your parents wish you would do differently.

[Lucky_One]

#1 I misplace checkbooks. That is why there is one in my purse, one in my car, one in my nightstand, and the box of checks is in the desk. I can get my hands on one when I need one. I don't care if the check numbers are out of order, as I balance my checkbook online. I also have 7 pair of reading glasses scattered throughout my life.

 

#2 Find a checkbook. Write out 12 checks, post-dating them for the correct month. Mail them to your parents. Now they have 12 payments on time.

 

#3 Your vehicle was too old to be worth the risk of a loan. If you took a 36 year loan, your car would be 9 years old before you would own it. A 9 year old car with about 13,500 miles/year ends up having about 121,000 miles, and that is pretty hard to sell for much. At the end of this loan, you will likely need a new car or a second car - more payments.

 

#4 Work up a spreadsheet, showing pros/cons of buying vs renting. Do not let anyone fool you - owning is a great thing, but houses are amazingly expensive to keep up. (A small modest yard can easily take $200 per year in fertilizer, seed, tools, flowers - add in more $$ if you count shrubs or trees or edging or pavers for a sidewalk.) Talk to your CO and find out more definitely about training/deployment schedules - and never forget that the US Army is a huge screwed up organization which sometimes changes its mind at whims that make no sense to the "little guys". Talk to a real estate agent about the percentages of rentals, vacancies, and population data for your area (incoming and leaving). Then talk to your parents, explain to them how they were such wonderful role models for you in terms of responsible home ownership, and lead them line by line through your spreadsheet.

 

#5 Think hard about your situation. Possibly think about renting. There are a lot of builders who have unsold spec houses who would be willing to rent. You don't mention how much of a down payment you would be making right now, but if you waiting until after your husband's deployment, you would have 4 years of savings for a really strong down payment, because you would be working. And you will have a landlord to take care of home repairs while your H is deployed.

[thatone]

go your own way. live your own life. they won't disown you. as you say, you're all they've got. no matter what you do all you have to do is threaten to stop contacting them and they'll buckle like belts.

 

and from that point you can point out to them that when they grow up you're willing to have a normal relationship with them. but not before.

[Wolfcub]

What happens when I have to tell my parents my new mailing address?

I rather share your parents view that buying a house in your not too stable situation is a bit too early, but if you decide to - do you really have to change the mailing address for them? Wouldn't the post ofice forward your letters (for some fee) as long as you want?

[Mystique2011]

go your own way. live your own life. they won't disown you. as you say, you're all they've got. no matter what you do all you have to do is threaten to stop contacting them and they'll buckle like belts.

 

.

 

I agree. Parents like that use threats to keep their kids tied down, but the controlling parent needs the kid more than the kid needs them.

[TwinkletOes26]

Emilia- I don't agree that financial independence will get a parent to respect you. A controlling, abusive and narcissistic parent will NEVER respect you no matter how financially independent you are. I'm not saying her parents are narcissistic, but it's possible for a parent to refuse to respect their child no matter what. My mom's justification for not respecting me is "You're my daughter. I gave birth to you. Why should I respect you?" Some parents think that their kids are property, no matter how old they are, no matter how successful, no matter how mature, etc.

 

I also don't agree with the idea "Your parents will control you if you let them." That's like saying "Your husband beats you, because you let him." People are controlled by their parents, because they know they will get punished severely if they try to break free. Sure, a healthy parent will respect an adult child's boundary and a difference of opinion. A toxic parent won't. After years of chronic abuse by the toxic parent, the adult child is left with no self-esteem and an overwhelming feeling of guilt and helplessness. Many therapists say that adult children trying to break free from abusive parents are up for a fight for their life.

 

Getting my parents to lay off the financial strings was like a nasty and long-standing divorce. People need to understand how things work legally, and that things don't happen overnight. It took 6 months to get my car transferred into my name, because the state I live in works that way. It took a long time to get my dad to agree to take my cell phone off the family plan, because the cell phone company wouldn't let me do it myself. If my dad refused to take me off the family plan, the cell phone company had to respect his wishes sine he was the main account holder. Changing my number didn't seem to feasible. After much pleading, he finally agreed and now I feel better taking care of my own cell phone bills.

 

 

Before any of you judge, be aware that parents from different countries don't like the idea of an unmarried woman being independent. My parents are adamant that they want to help me out as long as I'm single. My therapist said to accept my parents' money as financial restitution for the abuse they've inflicted in the past. If financial support is all they can do, I let them.

 

To the OP-good luck! You absolutely have every right to live your life how you want. Going against your parents' wishes doesn't mean you are disrespecting them or that you are a bad daughter. It may be hard to do it alone or overnight, so seek out some professional help on how to deal with controlling parents.

 

I feel extremely passionate about the issue of adults still being controlled by parents. It's not the adult child's fault, and I don't like those that blame the adult victim either. Only those that grew up in our situation know how conflicted it is.

 

 

Agree wholeheartedly with the bolded. Some just do not understand how hard it is when your parents are conttrolling. My mother got so angry when I got my own car and took control over where and when I drive.

[Mystique2011]

Agree wholeheartedly with the bolded. Some just do not understand how hard it is when your parents are conttrolling. My mother got so angry when I got my own car and took control over where and when I drive.

 

I thought my post sounded too harsh, but I'm glad you can relate. If I can make one person in this world feel less alone, I'm happy.

 

Realistically, we do have the power to not respond to our parents' demands, but doing so means we have to completely reprogram years of conditioning. It's like a person learning how to speak a new language. The book "If you have controlling parents" and "Toxic Parents" are very good. There may be some truth to the idea that "you're allowing your parents to control you", but getting to that point will be an obstacle well worth the wait.