OW with child from MM from before this affair started

[confuzed7]

Okay, stepping out of lurkdom to seek advice in my situation....I have found myself becoming the OW and I don't know how to stop any of it.

 

Yes I know you will say cut all ties, but here is where our situation is different. We have a chid together from a fling in college. It took several years for him to become a part of our child's life, but since the day he walked back in, this has been building into what it is now: an affair.

 

I can't break all ties to him because of our child...and quite frankly I don't want to. I am completely in love with him. It is more than a sexual affair, it is emotional. He tells me everything, and keeps telling me how I understand him best (which I know I do...always have and probably always will). Last week I talked to him a bit about how I am afraid of being hurt and he said he would do his best not to hurt me again...that I have to take it slow, we are just starting out. I don't agree with that totally.....yes we are just started this full blown relationship, but we have a few years of "stuff" to deal with.

 

He has child with his wife and I do know that is a big draw to keep him in the marriage........not the only thing, but yes part of it. He did have me over at his house this weekend while the wife was gone..this is something I don't understand really (does he want to get caught? does he not care?).

 

What am I supposed to do in this situation? Breaking ties is NOT an option given we have a child together (aside from us not wanting to). It tears me up inside that I allowed this situation to get to this point, yet at the same time, I am unwilling to give him up because I do love him..and have for awhile.

[Fancy]

A married man telling the OW that "she understands him better than anyone" is a classic line. I feel certain that 99% of the OW on this board will attest to the fact their MM said the very same thing to them.

 

You can still let your child have a relationship with him without you being in the mix. It happens all the time with millions of people. You're in this relationship with him now because you choose to be; not because of your child.

 

I would venture to guess that the reason he had you at his home was because it added a little spice to things. Men love danger and the possibility of getting caught was probably a huge turn on to him. Make no mistake, though........if his wife had walked in, it would be her he would run begging to, not you.

 

Look, I'm not trying to be ugly or hurtful here, but you asked for advice, so I'm giving you my thoughts. I know you may believe that you and this man have a real connection but if it were really there for him, he'd be with you instead of his wife. That's the bottom line. You're wasting your time on this man. Let your child have a relationship with him and you stay out of the picture. Unless you want to keep hurting and being used, that is.

[confuzed7]

The classic line....I'm aware of that one and I was very hesitant about it until we started counseling together...at that point the counselor he was using (for about 3 months before we started) and mine (we use mine for our couneling) exchanged notes and in fact I have been brought up over and over again. Our counseling has been going on before the "affair" began. I am the one he runs to all the time for everything............and I mean everything.

 

I'm not sure he would be running to her......given the response to her last weekend on the phone when she called while we were out (and she knew he was with...just not clear of the context we were together).

 

Yes I do want to stop the hurt...but I'm not sure ending it would do that.....I think that would only add to it.

[Fancy]

It may add to it temporarily, but not permanently. As I said before, if he truly wanted to be with you, he would be. Instead he's married to another woman. He can't even use the other classic excuse, "I'm just saying for the kids" because he has one with you too! He is stringing you along and enjoying the best of both worlds. Please realize that.

[Clarity]

Originally posted by confuzed7

The classic line....I'm aware of that one and I was very hesitant about it until we started counseling together...at that point the counselor he was using (for about 3 months before we started) and mine (we use mine for our couneling) exchanged notes and in fact I have been brought up over and over again. Our counseling has been going on before the "affair" began. I am the one he runs to all the time for everything............and I mean everything.

 

I'm not sure he would be running to her......given the response to her last weekend on the phone when she called while we were out (and she knew he was with...just not clear of the context we were together).

 

Yes I do want to stop the hurt...but I'm not sure ending it would do that.....I think that would only add to it.

Sans having any children together I can relate to many dynamics of your relationship because it is similiar to alot of the dynamics that existed between my boyfriend and I when he was still married. My MM is no longer an MM and he lives with me but the road was painfully rocky. Excrutiatingly painfully rocky. Most of our fights now still root from me feeling like an OW.

 

Like you, I had a long history with him and even knew mine before he knew his wife. When our "adult affair" began he would tell me he had always had feelings for me through all our years even when we were in our other relationships. Like in your situation, mine discussed me in his counseling sessions, and like you he'd have me over to his home when the then spouse was out of town. Our love was deep and I too got all the "classic lines," often finding it very difficult to distinguish lies from true romance and reality. Rarely did I find the situation 100% comfortable and trustworthy. Most OW understand....

 

I am just now allowing myself to relax from feeling like an OW even though he's been divorced for almost 2 years and we've lived together for 10 months already. But the salient thing that stood out in our relationship that i should have understood from the beginning that I recommend all OW/OM think about is the fact that he was honest with his wife almost from the very beginning. She knew about me early on; she knew about how he felt about me ..... He was honest with her, and though she would flip-flop her mind back and forth as reality started to hit that they were over, for most part the divorce and moving-on between them was mutual. They have one daughter and she was 15 when they divoced, 16 when he moved in with me.

 

So my advice to you is to evaluate your relationship and both your actions thoroughly. Can you talk with him about what his plans for himself are and what his intentions are with you, at least a little? Keep in mind men and women have communication issues period. Men hate to talk about that stuff in general, but you're all already in counseling. How honest and open with you is he? With your child? with the wife. If he isn't honest with one or any of the above why isn't he. Does he keep the kids separate? Is he open in counseling about his relationship and true feelings for you? Are you open in counseling about it? Because in your case, as a mother of his first child, enabling any secrecy for too long will be totally detrimental. Not only will you be shortchanging yourself and adding to the OW thing but it will inherently enable him to keep you secret and take you and your child for granted. I don't mean get out of hand and irrational (which is easy to do and I am only speaking from learning from my own mistakes) if there is some degree of tact you are trying to maintain. BUT Be open with at least your counselors about the intimacy of the relationship. And he should too.

 

Very rare is it that the OW and the MM are in counseling together. It doesn't take the pain and complexities away but at least he's already showing signs of trying to be a some sort of decent man. And if he is open with people in is life, in counseling etc. about his feelings for you, I wish you luck and hope it's a good start toward his facing being an honest man and making an honest woman out of you and everyone in his life.

 

Keep in mind also that the journey is going to be a struggle though. And unfortunately, either way, it will not be painfree. Good luck.

[confuzed7]

Thank you for the response!

 

He and I have known each other before he met his current spouse as well. She came into the picture shortly after our child was born...when he was in his run away stage of the game.

 

Yes we are both very honest in our counseling sessions (at least I believe he is being...I have no reason not too, he says some things in there that I would rather not hear at times!) My counselor knows of our dynamics very well and has been there through it all with me, and now us.

 

No, he does not keep his child and the child I share with him separate. They are not together every visit, but he does bring that child over and has taken our child to his house as well. My child has NOT met his wife; HOWEVER, that is not because of him (now it is an agreed upon decision) it is because 1) my child was not ready to meet her and asked not to at first 2) more and more things began to surface that made me uncomfortable with the type of person she is and I am not sure if I want that for my chid 3) she was unwilling to go to couseling to work through it...and that did it for me. His wife knows when he comes here....he doesn't hide it.....is she aware of the relationship? I am not sure if he has told her, but any woman that thinks her husband is visiting a 8 year old until 2-3 am is completely insane!

 

He has also taken a "fatherly" role with my other children....which makes him all the more amazing to me. He stepped in like it was nothing.

 

Yes we are able to talk....more and more each day. He is much more open to me now than when he came back into our child's life and I find our conversations enlightening. We are sharing things we should have shared years ago, as well as what is going on now. The only thing he has asked of me is to give him a chance to make decisions......he isn't asking for years, but rather we have a timeline that we agreed upon. I am willing to do that as I love him completely.

[morrigan]

There could potentially bad consequences, as far as the children are concerned, if his wife gets tired of the husband's manipulations and leaves his worthless a$$, or you and he end the affair. One or the other is eventually going to happen.

 

How old is your child and your MM's child? They might be young now, but as they get older they will be aware of the this mess you and your MM have placed them in.

 

In your child's case, he may view the situation as "sometimes dad's here, sometimes he's not"--especially if he dumps you and stays with his wife. Has the MM always had a relationship with your child, or has it only been since you two have had an affair? It would take an understanding wife to accept visits from a child whose mother was cheating with her husband, and I would be afraid that the resentment could be taken out on your child.

 

His child is a witness to the unhappiness and tension in the household--just because his wife may be aware that an affair is going on doesn't mean she likes it. And even in the unlikely event that he leaves his wife to be with you, you will have to deal with having his child in your life--that is, if his former wife would feel that she would want her child anywhere near you.

 

It may be your affair, but your, the MM, and the wife's actions have an effect on the children concerned.

[confuzed7]

My child is almost 9 his is 3. He has been in our child's life for about 3 years...our "affair" started about 6 weeks ago...the sexual aspect, the emotional aspect started around 2 years ago.

 

I understand our actions have an effect on all involved....believe me, I am aware of that.

 

Yes his child is in a household that is not happy....but it was not happy before me..I didn't create the unhappiness they have.

[morrigan]

You won't like this, but I just think this MM is stocked full of of sh*t, and very manipulative. He's way too selfish with everyone, including his wife and you. It's about what he wants--a home and wife, and an exciting emotional/sexual relationship on the side. He gets everything he wants--everyone else gets conned.

 

You can end this affair--you could legally arrange for him to have visitation with your child (and I hope that he at least pays child support). I hope you realize that, long term, this MM is going to take you on a dead end road--you will be always waiting for him to get that divorce and be with you, but for his own reasons he won't do that.

 

If he wanted to save his marriage, he'd be in counseling with the wife--not someone else. That doesn't even make a shred of sense. Does his wife know about these counseling sessions?

 

If the marriage was already unhappy before you ever entered the picture, why in the hell has he stayed in it so long? His child would be better off with two happy, but divorced parents than two people who are making their lives a misery. He needs to get a divorce, settle the child custody/visitation with his wife, and then decide what relationship he wants with you.

[Clarity]

Originally posted by morrigan

If he wanted to save his marriage, he'd be in counseling with the wife--not someone else. That doesn't even make a shred of sense. Does his wife know about these counseling sessions?

 

It sounds like everyone was willing to do counseling BUT the wife. I don't know everything about this situation but it almost seems like the one who got the title of "wife" did a little home wrecking in Confuzed's court first. Not to fuel the fire but it does kind of look that way.....

 

Unfortunately Confuzed- your MM made some huge huge mistakes. He got you pregnant, woosed out of fatherhood, ran off with another girl, married the rebound, then got her pregnant, realized he is already a father and he better get his crap together then only after having babies from 2 different ladies, rekindles it with his first child and original lady, possibly to now run off with you on his so called wife while still leaving you to feel like the OW when you knew him first.

 

It is only the fact that he's in counseling that gives him any grace at all, no matter who he's in counseling with. BUT until he tells his wife STRAIGHT OUT that he is being INTIMATE with you, there is still room to wonder if he just can't make up his mind.

 

I do think a great deal of people in this thread are missing the point that his wife walked into a potentially "homewrecking" situation those years ago but because he married her she is being given that extra understanding. Bottomline is, knowing that she had an opportunity to join in the counseling and chose not to says alot about her character.

 

Ultimately though, Confuzed-he is the one that has alot of irresponsible and confusing past decisions to make up for so as much as you want to believe you're becoming closer and he's getting his crap together now, also remember that his actions need to be consistent with his words.

 

Also, remember you and wife are now going to be a part of his life forever. He has kids by both of you and no matter how much more close your bond MIGHT be with him, she is the one with his last name for now. I am giving him alot of credit for being in counseling with you, even if only originally for the kids, but you have some decisions to make now too. You need to decide now how you are going to deal with the way he deals with her because even if they do divorce they will continue to interact to some degree and so will your kids and it will affect your relationship.

 

Anyway, You can pm me if you want to talk more.

[confuzed7]

Originally posted by Clarity

It sounds like everyone was willing to do counseling BUT the wife. I don't know everything about this situation but it almost seems like the one who got the title of "wife" did a little home wrecking in Confuzed's court first. Not to fuel the fire but it does kind of look that way.....

 

EXACTLY...she has never been willing and yes she did come in and "wrecked" things. I know he was willing to go down that path...but with his mind set and the fact that we were young and had alot of other factors (college athlete moving on to his career, etc etc) it was easy. I am NOT totally blaming her......he was willing and did it, but she also knew what she was doing and that I was there with his child. She fed into what he wanted at the time--to be free and tell him he had no responsiblity..once he realized that wasn't the case, things went south for her.

 

Originally posted by Clarity

Unfortunately Confuzed- your MM made some huge huge mistakes. He got you pregnant, woosed out of fatherhood, ran off with another girl, married the rebound, then got her pregnant, realized he is already a father and he better get his crap together then only after having babies from 2 different ladies, rekindles it with his first child and original lady, possibly to now run off with you on his so called wife while still leaving you to feel like the OW when you knew him first. .

 

Yes this is another huge mistake...I am hoping we can make it okay in the end.

 

Originally posted by Clarity It is only the fact that he's in counseling that gives him any grace at all, no matter who he's in counseling with. BUT until he tells his wife STRAIGHT OUT that he is being INTIMATE with you, there is still room to wonder if he just can't make up his mind.

 

I agree with this.

 

Originally posted by Clarity

I do think a great deal of people in this thread are missing the point that his wife walked into a potentially "homewrecking" situation those years ago but because he married her she is being given that extra understanding. Bottomline is, knowing that she had an opportunity to join in the counseling and chose not to says alot about her character.

 

YES.....and there has been more than once that she has denied counseling in all arenas. I am not saying she is to blame for everything.....I know there are two sides and the truth to every story, but I do know their life, what we have tried to accomplish and what is happening right now.

 

Originally posted by Clarity

Ultimately though, Confuzed-he is the one that has alot of irresponsible and confusing past decisions to make up for so as much as you want to believe you're becoming closer and he's getting his crap together now, also remember that his actions need to be consistent with his words.

 

I know this......and I we talk everyday (with or without the counselor) about it. He knows where I stand, and I can see things he is doing to figure it out. It would devastate me if he chooses to stay married, but as I told him I would rather be devastated than destroyed by continuing this way!

 

 

Originally posted by Clarity

Also, remember you and wife are now going to be a part of his life forever. He has kids by both of you and no matter how much more close your bond MIGHT be with him, she is the one with his last name for now. I am giving him alot of credit for being in counseling with you, even if only originally for the kids, but you have some decisions to make now too. You need to decide now how you are going to deal with the way he deals with her because even if they do divorce they will continue to interact to some degree and so will your kids and it will affect your relationship.

 

For the record, the counseling started for US about 2 1/2 years ago. Because he lived out of state at the time, it was not a weekly session but rather once or twice a month. After he moved back to our home state we stopped going for awhile (together) but decided 3 months ago that we needed to go again. I need it, and so does he...it gives us someone neutral there to help us out.

We began to have sessions to include our child because we thought they may need it; however, the counselor has since said no they don't and it is just us going now.

 

I understand she has his last name..and as I just told him on the phone this is slowly killing my spirit.......the roller coaster is just not something I can handle much longer. I need him....I need him all night, all day, not just when he isn't around his wife. THANK GOD counseling is tomorrow

 

And I have made it VERY clear...there will not be visits like he has here if they do divorce and we are together...I'm not THAT stupid!

[confuzed7]

I tried to PM you but it would not allow me too...I'm not sure why? Maybe you could try sending me one first?

[Clarity]

It won't let me pm either. Now that I think back, I think I read somewhere they disabled the option to pm I added you as a buddy. Maybe if you do same, we can send them...

 

Anyway, I can relate to the pain of her having his last name and it feeling so unfair when you and he have been through so much. Mothering his first child, I can imagine how much more it could kill your spirit. If it were me, I would feel like all that you want for your child; your family and for your happiness is threatened. In my case, I'm not the OW anymore but I am still just a "girlfriend" (for now) while some one night stand got his last name and the gift of bearing and mothering their beloved first kid when she didn't even cherish him for a whole 24 hours before fate stepped in. Sometimes just hearing her name or seeing it on paper puts me in the position where I still feel like the OW inside and to be honest I'm still overcoming intense anger issues about it, mainly bec. I'm not a mom yet and I want to be so much and my fears haunt me that he might not want to have a new family and in the end I will only be this shortchanged bystander in witnessing what we could have been. That's my own fears and insecurities playing themselves out though.........I'm trying to become more positive.

 

Do be prepared though to bank that annoying mistakes and misconceptions persist for god knows how long. Like for example, my BF goes to the same pharmacy he's gone to for 5/6 years. He and his ex rarely went anywhere together and we practically go everywhere together but for important reasons he is still currently on his ex's health care plan so when I go with him to the pharmacy they think I'm his Mrs. and the mother of his daughter who they are familiar with also. It shouldn't get to me but ugh! It sucks! There come the persistent OW pangs again. It takes strong character and deep love to overcome that OW pain. Even if you do get to be together, it seems like the guy rarely comes to understand how painful it was for you to feel like the OW at all. In your case I hope it's different because, again , you are the mother of his first kid.

 

From what it seems like you are a very forgiving person and I do hope that strengthens things for you both to bond together. And I hope, honestly that all three adults and the kids can reach some solid and stable forms of resolution because basically despite all the circumstances you are all extended family.

[confuzed7]

hey Clarity!

 

I still can't PM.....wonder why?

 

Anyway, it is good see that you are a "success" story. I hope in my heart of hearts that this works out for MY family and my heart. I don't know.....it goes up and down each and every day. I asked him a question today that I told him I knew didn't have a simple answer, but that I needed to know the answer to. His response was your right it isn't a simple answer and we will talk about it some day (this was via email) WHAT THE HECK?? That didn't help me at all I so need to know the answer. He is supposed to be coming here this week to spend the day/evening with just me the entire time..no kids. I am planning on bringing it up to him then......I hope he answers.

 

Then we have the issue of he can't tell me immediately what day he can come...that just infuriates me sometimes...I know I am in a difficult situation, but sometimes I would like to know on MY time...not his. If he doesn't tell me by noon tomorrow, I will email again and ask all over again. Then I always feel like I am pressuring him...he doesn't but I do.

 

SIGH.this is just a big mess!!!

[Clarity]

Ya know, Confuzed, sometimes I fear that even when the MM does leave the other unhappy relationships, he continues taking OW/exOWs for granted because we allowed him to put us on the back burner all along. I hope I'm wrong but sometimes I wonder if it's like a dynamic that is created.

 

Hooking up with a guy when he is still married almost inevitably sticks us as women in a double-edge category where we "will always be there for him," but since his legal and emotional obligations were promised to another woman (no matter how bad the relationship might be with them) when your relationship begins, the MM comes around when its convenient for him.

 

Back when mine was still married, I so often abided by his timeline, dropped everything and all previous plans with others to see him. Now that we're together I get confused whether his stubborness is just personality or taking me for granted because I dropped everythng from the beginning.

 

The exOW in me wonders if maybe he doesn't want to "fit me in" somehow into his schedule which he constantly tells me is ridiculous because he's "with me now."

 

Point being, your MM could really just have alot of responsibilites on his plate and be a typical guy, or he could be spending more moments with his disgruntling spouse than he leads on. If he drops everything to see you with your son (is it son?) but delays coming over when it's just going to be you and him, I'd start trying to wean away from the relationship. Do be glad he cares for his kid to make time but as much as you wish for him and you to be able to be together be careful for now. If you already don't, try to show him you can function just great without him. It's so hard because I think and analyze way too much as it is, and I've heard it's just a female trait in general.

 

Aside from the obvious being a messy situation, many of us as women dealing with men are just more "clingy" to the man we love than they are to us. When he's married it makes the wondering worse and our "clinginess" feel even more tormenting for us.

 

I wish I had a solution or suggestion to deal better but my fingers are truly crossed for you, that everything is going in a positive direction and he's doing what is honest in his heart and will deal with the situation with the kids, with you and with his wife with integrity.

 

Hang in there and be good to you too. I'll be around.

[confuzed7]

 

Point being, your MM could really just have alot of responsibilites on his plate and be a typical guy, or he could be spending more moments with his disgruntling spouse than he leads on. If he drops everything to see you with your son (is it son?) but delays coming over when it's just going to be you and him, I'd start trying to wean away from the relationship. Do be glad he cares for his kid to make time but as much as you wish for him and you to be able to be together be careful for now. If you already don't, try to show him you can function just great without him. It's so hard because I think and analyze way too much as it is, and I've heard it's just a female trait in general.

 

Our child is a girl...theirs is a boy.

 

Yes he does have alot of responsiblities (and he is SOOOOOOO the typical guy..sometimes needs to have things smack him in the head just so he gets it!)....he is working more than one job to get some stuff taken care of (full time M-F and then some part times in the evening and weekends). He comes when I need him.....usually we have time before our child gets there to be alone, and he has set some firm dates for "us." Last week was just a bad week, and I was doing alot of thinking and wishing and just needed some more.......and it wasn't that he didn't want to do it, he just had to get some stuff worked out with work...I just didn't want to accept that. ANd it wasn't just for when we could be together, it was for his visit with our child too.....it just got to me at the beginning of the week. I told him what I needed to make me feel better and he said "I never thought of it like that, I will make sure I do it" and he has.

 

I know the time he is spending with his wife.....if he isn't here or working one of his other job, he gets home around 8 or 8:30 every night and she goes to bed between 10 and 10:30.

 

As for functioning by myself...I've done it for 9 years without him and he knows it. Functioning is the easy part....living without him isn't But seriously, I understand what you are saying, and I will make more of an effort in that area just so he knows.

[Clarity]

So Far So Good!!! I'm way glad. Keep me posted!

[confuzed7]

Things are going pretty good. He made his visits last week....he got hurt and was in a lot of pain, but did it anyway for me. I told him thank you and he said not to thank him, he wanted to do it or he wouldn't have.

 

We didn't get all the alone time we needed because of his injury as he was down and out for 2 straight days..but he did make sure he stayed in contact with me those days..alot more than he normally does...and today he was back at work and it was fine. We set another date for the "us" time and I am completely cool with it.

 

I don't know if I mentioned that he does everything with my family.....they all know we are a couple (attends family events, etc) and everyone within our social group does as well (we still have mutual friends from college). This I think is a good thing? Not the best until he tells his wife, but I know he is working on telling each member of his family slowly (he's made it to 2 of them) so we are headed in the right direction.

 

How are you doing?????????

[magda]

Think about him for once! Wouldn't it be so much easier if you all just moved in together. I mean, with gas prices so high..

[Clarity]

Originally posted by confuzed7

I don't know if I mentioned that he does everything with my family.....they all know we are a couple (attends family events, etc) and everyone within our social group does as well (we still have mutual friends from college). This I think is a good thing? Not the best until he tells his wife, but I know he is working on telling each member of his family slowly (he's made it to 2 of them) so we are headed in the right direction.

 

How are you doing?????????

 

All great signs, it seems. Very good. What do the college friends think of his wife? And does your family know he's still married? My parents did when mine still was. That caused major friction between me and my dad. And some of our old mutual friends were quick to bad mouth mine in the beginning because back when we were teens he was a player and party boy. Stuff like that set a pace for alot of doubt early on. I'm just now allowing myself to let him live it down some.

 

You guys have alot of closeness and that is definately great. Being positive is a good thing, as long as no one is being taken advantage of. The waiting can be sooo unbearable and uncertain sometimes. I made the mistake of allowing my thoughts to be negative too often. Because I bad tripped so much, now that we are together there's lingering muck in my head left over from before.

 

Things are awesome with us too, though, when they're good. And my lingering moments of reverting back to OW mode become fewer and more far between, as I realize that love and relationships are never easy. As ironic as it might sound to some, it really takes alot of strength and integrity to take an OW/MM relationship to the more "honorable" level. It's funny when you think about it.........

[fedorov]

Originally posted by Clarity

All great signs, it seems. Very good. What do the college friends think of his wife? And does your family know he's still married? My parents did when mine still was. That caused major friction between me and my dad. And some of our old mutual friends were quick to bad mouth mine in the beginning because back when we were teens he was a player and party boy. Stuff like that set a pace for alot of doubt early on. I'm just now allowing myself to let him live it down some.

 

You guys have alot of closeness and that is definately great. Being positive is a good thing, as long as no one is being taken advantage of. The waiting can be sooo unbearable and uncertain sometimes. I made the mistake of allowing my thoughts to be negative too often. Because I bad tripped so much, now that we are together there's lingering muck in my head left over from before.

 

Things are awesome with us too, though, when they're good. And my lingering moments of reverting back to OW mode become fewer and more far between, as I realize that love and relationships are never easy. As ironic as it might sound to some, it really takes alot of strength and integrity to take an OW/MM relationship to the more "honorable" level. It's funny when you think about it.........

[confuzed7]

Originally posted by Clarity

All great signs, it seems. Very good. What do the college friends think of his wife? And does your family know he's still married? My parents did when mine still was. That caused major friction between me and my dad. And some of our old mutual friends were quick to bad mouth mine in the beginning because back when we were teens he was a player and party boy. Stuff like that set a pace for alot of doubt early on. I'm just now allowing myself to let him live it down some.

 

Ummm it varies on the college friends. Most of them (actually all but 1) didn't attend their wedding and remained in contact with me over him. They talked to him, but the friendship was strained...it is much better now that we are together. None of them were happy about his decision years ago. My really close friend is still skeptical, but she is not nearly as bad as she was even a month ago.....she can see some major changes. The other ones were all teammates of his or hung out with him and lived his same life style, but they still thought he was wrong in the end

 

My family does know he is married. My family is/was much more receptive of him than I thought they were going to be....given what happened in the past. He has slowly been involved with my siblings over the past 2 yers (all but one) and a couple nieces. It wasn't until about 2 months ago that he placed himself out there at a family function (he hadn't even met some of my close family and from 9 years ago on didn't have anything to do any of the rest of them, so this was a HUGE step for him in everyway). Everyone treated him pretty good. Any bad mouthing that comes, is usually directed at me from one sister and her friends (I'm the youngest) because he is still married, but I just tell them to look at it this way: whatever comes of the "friendship" we are developing is better off for our child than what we had in the past which was nothing that she would be able to remember as being good...until now.

 

Originally posted by Clarity

You guys have alot of closeness and that is definately great. Being positive is a good thing, as long as no one is being taken advantage of. The waiting can be sooo unbearable and uncertain sometimes. I made the mistake of allowing my thoughts to be negative too often. Because I bad tripped so much, now that we are together there's lingering muck in my head left over from before.

 

We have developed a deep closeness. I am amazed given our history and sometimes I really wonder, but he always reassures me (usually with actions over words). I don't know if he is taking advantage of me...I don't think so given what he does, but I don't know if I will every be 100% until he divorces his wife.

 

The waiting is killer.......even though I don't do it often, I can't stand it. LIke this weekend......we both have separate family plans that just don't line up so I won't see hiim (maybe once for a visit with my daughter) until next week when we have our day. I didn't hear from him last night which was unusual, and I started over analyzing things and thinking too much and freaked........and it took him a while this morning because of work to email me, but he did and then explained what happened and why he didn't contact and I just thought to myself "STUPID STUPID......" got all worked up and freaked out for nothing...sigh

 

Originally posted by Clarity

Things are awesome with us too, though, when they're good. And my lingering moments of reverting back to OW mode become fewer and more far between, as I realize that love and relationships are never easy. As ironic as it might sound to some, it really takes alot of strength and integrity to take an OW/MM relationship to the more "honorable" level. It's funny when you think about it.........

 

I'm glad things are going good and working out for you. I don't think anybody that isn't in the situation or been it can really understand the emotions, trials and tribulations...as well as the joy and love. Yes relationships do take a ton out of anyone...and add this dimension to it and it becomes a total drainer at times.