A marriage that's lacking

[midwestconfusion]

So what do you do if your marriage lacks passion, desire, lust, erotica, or a satifying sex life?

 

Hubby met me and he was virgin. I was far from it. He'd gotten his sexual stimulation through strip clubs and porn. When he met me, he felt he'd met his fantasy come true because I was rather talented in the bedroom (among other places). He never imagined his life would suddenly turn into a porn-come-to-life like it did and to be honest, it really frightened him at first. Performance anxiety was commonplace, which was fine because I assumed that he'd "get it" sooner or later, so in the meantime, I took charge and was his personal, private dominatrix, stripper and porn star.

 

Unfortunately, regardless of the sex therapy, the sex books, the instructional videos and step by step instructional sessions that I've had with him over the years, my husband STILL doesn't measure up when it comes to our sex life. He's got such low self esteem (years of therapy, meds, etc., has been ineffective), that he refuses to initiate any sexual activity. We can go out and I can have heads turning, get approached by other men and can even flirt right in front of him and he doesn't even notice! He's too concerned about what other people might be thinking about him and his poor social skills leave him sitting like a bump on a log. When we dance (which he can't), he's either making a fool out of himself, tripping on me, nearly knocking me down or mimicking my steps which are very feminine (which have actually prompted people to approach me to ask if he was my gay friend). It's gotten to the point where I just do not want him to want to dance with me at all and I avoid it.

 

I can look good and he won't say anything. I've had other men stare at my chest, compliment my figure (repeatedly), even grab here & there (personal acquaintances btw, playful flirtation) and my husband has never looked at me like I was an object of his desires.

 

When in the bedroom, as I've said, I've had to initiate everything. If he's feeling amorous and does attempt to suggest relations, he does so at the most inappropriate moments such as me cleaning the cat box or taking out trash. The manner of which he eludes to such desire is by asking me "do you feel sexy?". Oh yeah, I've got **** in my hands...let's do it! NOT!

 

When we are in bed, there is absolutely no "me attention". He has no idea how to touch me to excite me. Even if I engage in instructions, he always fumbles and turns it into a clumsy science project and I have always had to satisfy myself. Things had gotten so bad that I had developed a condition that no longer allowed me to engage in any sexual intercourse or penetration whatsoever because the sex is so bad, I dry up.

 

Before I met him, I was accustomed to men that could excite me with nothing more than a smile. Undressing me with their eyes and just looking at me in a way that made me melt and swoon for them. I knew what they were thinking and it was exciting. My husband NEVER looked at me that way. I'm also accustomed to a man that can touch me softly in all the right places, seduce me by removing my clothing for me in an erotic fashion and engage in exhillerating foreplay. My husband? The only times I have been able to have exciting sex with him was when I was falling down drunk and dominated him like he was my own private blow up doll....and the only means for me to be satisfied was to satisfy myself in the end.

 

Most recently, I'm getting very frustrated with this. I have attempted to seduce him a few times and got nothing from him in return. He has gotten himself to such a high level of stress that even 30 minutes of fallacio won't bring him to release because he's unable to concentrate on the pleasure but rather the fact that I'm the one giving and not receiving. It's absolutely pathetic. I've never had a man hold out longer than maybe 10 minutes before...and that was intentionally trying to hold out! My husband? Heck, I can't even get pleasure by GIVING him pleasure!!!

 

I'm at my wits end and have actually been engaging in some playful eroticism with another man just so I could revisit the sense of feeling excited and, well, horny again because I was honestly wondering if it was me and it's not. This man has gotten me to such levels of excitement with mere caresses along my leg, neck and running his fingers through my hair as well as giving me his undivided attention and gazing into my eyes longingly. These are things that I have not experienced since I got married 10 years ago and even after all the attempts to resolve the problem, it's still a problem. I just don't think my husband has the ability to be a strong and satisfying sexual partner and I just don't know what to do.

 

I love my husband. He's got some other faults, such as being 100% dependent on me (or at least he prefers to rely on me for everything), but the sex thing and the selfish thing aside (I say selfish because I'm basically his maid, chef, nurse, caretaker, mother, teacher, mechanic, secretary and assistant), he's the perfect man. Good looking, supportive, exc. provider, loyal, faithful, trustworthy, reliable, dependable, etc. If only he could be more masculine or "manly" and take a more confident role in our marriage and show me an alpha side, things would be PERFECT.

[jmargel]

You posted in other threads about you & this other man. Did this stop? Why did you marry this guy if he was like this? Alot of others have told you about marriage councilors. You need to find one right away. By the way, your last paragraph contradicted itself in some ways. Did you cheat on him before?

[FolderWife]

Does your husband look at porn at all? My husband never initiated anything when he looked at porn. He was a blow up doll in bed. He never seemed to get pleasure either, but rather suffered through.

 

Now that we don't have porn in our lives (which I'm sure is temporary ) our sex life is WONDERFUL. He initiates it, he grabs me sexually, he looks into my eyes, he looks at me with this "I want you" glare, and he actually pleasures me once in while.

 

If your husband looks at porn, ask him to stop for a few months, and if he agrees, HIDE the porn, so he isn't tempted. Once he doesn't have playmates, and porn stars to masterbate to, he might see his wife in a whole new sexy light.

 

I don't care what everyone says about every man looking at porn. Our sex life SUX when my hubby indulges in other women's bodies.

[RadicalFlower]

Hello i am New here and Am So gladi found this site..It is A great one..!

 

I am having the same problem...Me and my hubby have a very boring Sex life IT is get in the bedroom Lay down Little Touching some oral it is Then The Penatration he Ejaculates and then Boom over..So Excitiment at all NOT THERE at all...I Am Trying to get him to have open marrage but He is not answering me on that i think that would make us look at our sex life a whole lot different ..I love him and He is My best friend..But the Sex is just boring...

 

So i understand what ya mean..And i am sorry to hear that...

[Kristine]

[color=indigo]I'm going through the same thing. I don't even want to have sex with him anymore because there's just nothing exciting about it for me. My drive has died. I fantasize about other men a lot when we do. That's the only time I enjoy it. It took me a while to realize it wasn't my drive it was the uninteresting, unsatisfying sex. I missed when sex was fun and exciting (with my ex not so much him) so I just gave up, and was becoming depressed.

 

My husband was also a virgin when we met. I've told him that he should read the sex book (as in everyone should read it), my brother has a copy so borrowing it wouldn't be a problem. He doesn't think he needs to read it. I don't want to bruise his ego, but my hints for improvements aren't getting through to him. I now understand why people have affairs. I've read where couples need to bring back the excitement by having sex in strange places, flirting with each other (he can't flirt so that's a waste), something to bring the spark back.

 

I feel your pain. Just one of the many factors having me wonder if it's really worth it. But then I read about the 7 year itch thing and we have been together for nearly 7 years, married for almost 4. So maybe that has something to do with my feelings of dissatisfaction. [/color]

[VivianLee]

I kinda confused as to why you married him. You dedicated several paragraphs as to why you are unhappy and just a few sentences of anything positive about him.....From what I can tell, men like to be the main aggressors, pursuants and initiators. At first, you probably needed to initiate (because of his being a virgin and not having experience) sex. That could be part of the problem....

 

Y'all also sound like you are in a rut....perhaps a rut of personality differences....you are sexually confident and experienced, plus independent....he's the opposite. So y'all are stuck in these roles that has caused you to take on more of the manly side of the relationship and he's taken the feminine side. It's caused you to lose attraction and respect for him as a man. Perhaps he doesn't feel too great about you as a woman.

 

A counselor could tell you exactly where to go with this. That would be your first option.

 

His not following instructions about how to please you could just be plain stubborness and his way of getting back at you for taking his masculinity away (not that you did it on purpose)....If he gets back to the role God intended for him to be in, as the head of the house/man of the house, then perhaps he will start being the lover you want/need him to be.

 

Believe me, having an affair WON'T help things at all. It's just a non-adhesive bandaid that comes off and needs reapplying continuously!!

 

The appoach (counseling) I mentioned for end results could take time (if it works at all). Are you willing to wait till it works? Do you love him, enough for years of waiting to get what you want/need sexually?? Does he want to things to work?

 

You have to take all this to heart before you decide. If you have had enough, it would be only fair to him to cut your losses now. Perhaps, he could find his masculinity and have a fulfilling relationship with someone else and you could find a masculine man that can fulfill your needs.....

 

Good luck!