I'm curious....

[noel2]

I have two questions, first, why do y'all think certain people are magnets to M/M, M/W? Also, why do you think some people just tend to get caught up again and again in A's with M/M, M/W? I can only speak for myself, I've been in more than one A, I think I've narrowed it down to the fact that I know how it will end, so I know in advance that it won't go anywhere, I know it'll end with me hurt so I'm already prepared and don't over-invest in it. But, there are times when I also think it may be because I have commitment issues or the fact that I grew up seeing my Mother do the same thing, hmmm, guess I really don't know exactly why....

[Quiet Storm]

Okay, Steelers fan...(I'm a Ravens fan)

 

I think when you have parents that model certain behavior for you, it's easy to think it's normal. Those feelings of "this is wrong" may not be there. Also, the conflict and ups and downs of an affair can feel comfortable to someone that was raised in an unstable or chaotic setting.

 

In addition, if a woman feels abandoned by her father, she can recreate that same scenario with an unavailable man, in search of the male comfort that was missing in childhood.

 

I think married men can pick up on when a woman is naive, or one that needs validation and attention. Married men are usually more sensitive to a woman's moods and emotions. They know what language works with women, because they have been living with one. They know what buttons to push to get you hooked.

 

Seeing a counselor can help you to get to the bottom of it.

[Choose Life]

That is a really good question! It has only happened once, and will never happen again to me! I always wondered what he saw in me, I thought I had great boundaries, good self esteem, but yet, I let him break all my boundaries and then my self esteem. I think if you are strong, respect yourself, you just won't let it happen. It's a case of you, what you want, and your confidence. Don't let flattery get to you, look behind the words at action. We are worth so much more than 2nd place, if we believe that, married guys would not stand a chance!

[East7]

I have two questions, first, why do y'all think certain people are magnets to M/M, M/W? Also, why do you think some people just tend to get caught up again and again in A's with M/M, M/W?

 

I think it is a boundaries issue. MW/MM constantly "test the market", my MW was kind of flirty with almost everyone. She loved hearing people to tell her how good looking she is...Most of the time people wouldn't even imagine something with someone married so in most cases they reject the seduction game. Some others (AP) will respond to the seduction game and the process will escalate to an EA, eventually a full blown PA.

 

An A becomes possible because both AP and MP meet each-other needs. The AP is often looking for validation too and MP are so seductive and deploy a very powerful seduction arsenal while normal single people don't give it away so much ans so fast.

 

I can only speak for myself, I've been in more than one A, I think I've narrowed it down to the fact that I know how it will end, so I know in advance that it won't go anywhere, I know it'll end with me hurt so I'm already prepared and don't over-invest in it.

 

This sounds like repeating the same pattern : repeating a childhood story of a man (your father?) who left. It creates a dejà vu in your psyche, a kind of love story that you want to experience again and again. You feel comfortable when you know in advance it is doomed.

 

But, there are times when I also think it may be because I have commitment issues or the fact that I grew up seeing my Mother do the same thing, hmmm, guess I really don't know exactly why....

 

The commitment-phobia is often related to self-esteem issues; An explanation is that unconsciously you think you don't deserve someone who stays for good with you so you sabotage the relationship.

 

The parent's model is also a powerful thing.

 

Counseling is the only thing that can address all this clearly.