Chitowngirl Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 I have never been married nor divorced. This question is in regards to my boyfriend, who is separated. He says he is legally separated. When you are legally separated, can you still share all monies? Him and his wife still have joint accounts, and they use each others' credit cards. His wife charged $7,000 to their credit card last month. Supposedly they have been separated for 8 months and are "waiting until December for certain items to 'mature' financially" and then they will get divorced. Does this sound legit? Also, my boyfriend refuses to change his home address (the home he owns with his wife. His wife still lives there, he does not.) Because of this, he goes to his house once a week to get his mail and to give her a weekly allowance. Is this legit? Do legally separated couples do this? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 Sounds odd to me unless they bifurcated their financials. Another potential is jointly held financial instruments are maturing, like CD's or bonds, and there's a penalty for early disbursement. If his wife is normally charging that kind of money each month on a CC, they must be well into six figures income wise, so such penalties might be of monetary consequences even in this lousy marketplace. His separation judgment should lend some clues. I'm sure he'd have no problem showing it or his tax returns to you, since you're his girlfriend. At minimum, his judgment or case summary. While particulars vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, here in Cali a legal separation is the same as a divorce *except* the parties can't remarry legally until they're divorced. In all other matters of consequence, it's essentially the same. IMO, he and his 'separated' wife are keeping themselves entwined because they choose to, for reasons unknown. Save for visitation of children, there's no reason for him to be visiting his estranged wife. There is the good old US mail or ACH for 'allowance'. How many kids involved? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chitowngirl Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 No kids He won't show me the separation papers. Why would he give her allowance every week instead of a monthly check? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Two reasons I can think of: She's a tornado with money and needs it metered He want's in-person time with her The fact that he won't share the legal documents proving his availability for a committed relationship is suspect. I would have done it proactively while dating, at least given the docket number to check the case summary. No crimes were committed, no children are involved and there's nothing to hide. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) Chitowngirl.. he is feeding you some kind of line.. what is the line.. who really knows but if there was a legal separation you can bet you bottom dollar that they would not be sharing bank accounts.. I vote for he left home and won't file for divorce because of splitting assets...or she kicked him out.. I also vote that if she would take him back I'd bet he would go... I base that opinion on the fact that he hasn't tried to alleviate your insecurities, if he was on your side he would try to keep you happy. In my county all legal filings are public record and searchable on the courts searchable database. I think you should ask again to see the papers.. bet he is lying.. Edited October 14, 2011 by Art_Critic Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Just a thought..if he is being a dick to her and not paying her what she needs to run the household then maybe that is why the credit card bill was so high. In a legal separation the judge will normally lay out who pays what and will stipulate that the credit cards get frozen or who is responsible for each credit card bill from that day forward... Him not paying his wife enough might be plausible for the high CC bill, maybe him carrying 2 households is putting a strain on his wallet and he can't afford to do it without CC's. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Our county is the same as Art's and I could search our docket by petitioner, respondent and/or docket number. Also, you'll need to know which county he filed in, generally the county of residence, but not always. As long as you know his name, you should be able to find out something. It's rare that people with similar names will have similar case and time filings, but it happens. Knowing his full legal name helps. One step at a time. Find out what you have access to independently where you live and take it from there. Hate to say it but trust with verification. Separated people can be iffy. I got sucked into a couple MW deals that way and was separated myself a couple years ago before we D'd. Link to post Share on other sites
momto3boys Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I am not legally separated. In the state of MD (which is where we married) you do not file for separation. You move out of the house, you can not live in the same house or have any sexual contact for a year before you can file for divorce. He lives in another state so technically we are separated, but can not file for divorce yet. We still share bank accounts. I have asked my ex to take my name off his account because i do not want to be held responsible when we go to court if he over draws his bank, which he does a lot. he is HORRIBLE with money. I did however give him his bank card back. He is also still on my account, but gave me his bank card back. Im in Maryland and we do not have the bank he has down there, so theres no way i could go in and pull money out. He doesnt have the bank i use up here down there so theres no way he could walk in and pull out money either. So it works for us, lol. I will however be getting his name off my account when he comes up in Nov. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Be sure to lock up your account from ACH access. If he has your routing information it's easy enough to hit it hard once and then sweep to cash. I worked at a financial institution for about a decade, mostly doing loans, but I became familiar with some of the other stuff. That's part of why my exW and I always maintained separate financials. Another aspect the OP can consider is one of control. By remaining intertwined with the estranged wife, depending on their prior situation, he can maintain psychological control developed during the M. I've seen businessmen do this, even though it seems risky, where they play on the psychological influence they've honed over years of marriage. It does work but training and the right woman is required. Unknown if that's the man's situation. If he's legally separated, I'd say 'show me the beef' at the courthouse and then go from there. If he's got the court stamp, decide right then and there if you can live with accepting that whatever he and his estranged wife are up to legally/financially is their business. Obviously, if he says he's committed and exclusive to you, then anything in the romantic/sexual area between him and wife definitely is your business. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 He is either lying, or really, really stupid. Sharing a bank account with an ex-wife or ex-partner is a crazy stupid idea. She could run up debt and not only would he be held accountable and may have to repay it, but it would also trash his credit rating. So unless he is dumber than a jar of molasses, he is lying to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chitowngirl Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 Two reasons I can think of: She's a tornado with money and needs it metered He want's in-person time with her The fact that he won't share the legal documents proving his availability for a committed relationship is suspect. I would have done it proactively while dating, at least given the docket number to check the case summary. No crimes were committed, no children are involved and there's nothing to hide. Yes, he says she has no check books and no debit cards. All she has access to are credit cards and the cash he gives her each week. She is an alcoholic and spent the last 3 months in rehab so he didn't trust her with money. I asked him last night if he has the docket number or copies of the file, he said no. He said his friend/lawyer is the one who filed it and he didn't care about the specifics. I work in law so I'm not stupid...we always give clients copies of everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chitowngirl Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 Just a thought..if he is being a dick to her and not paying her what she needs to run the household then maybe that is why the credit card bill was so high. In a legal separation the judge will normally lay out who pays what and will stipulate that the credit cards get frozen or who is responsible for each credit card bill from that day forward... Him not paying his wife enough might be plausible for the high CC bill, maybe him carrying 2 households is putting a strain on his wallet and he can't afford to do it without CC's. He says he gives her $500 a week in cash for spending money. He pays 100% of the bills. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Oh, cool, working in the law makes this easy. What we have here is hearsay. We also have a man who apparently doesn't care about a lawsuit which has his name on it. Hmm... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chitowngirl Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 Another aspect the OP can consider is one of control. By remaining intertwined with the estranged wife, depending on their prior situation, he can maintain psychological control developed during the M. I've seen businessmen do this, even though it seems risky, where they play on the psychological influence they've honed over years of marriage. It does work but training and the right woman is required. Unknown if that's the man's situation. . Yes, he says he is staying in close communications with her due to controlling the situation. He says she is clinically insane and that if they lose touch he is afraid of what she will do. I met her shrink at the gym, who put her on Lithium for 4 months, so I know she is clinically crazy like he says. He pretty much says he's just trying to keep her happy until they can file for divorce. He says if the money wasn't an issue he would have filed yesterday. I'm not sure what to believe but we've been dating almost 3 months now. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Not advice but, IME with MW's, when it becomes too inconvenient for them to lie, they just turn it all onto the OP and dump them summarily, with prejudice. Ever watch a light bulb filament burn out? Their care and interest ends like that. Poof. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 A clinically insane alcoholic wife that's just come out of rehab and is on lithium, hmm well if he has a joint account with her then he really needs to get his head read. That is a TOTALLY STUPID thing to do. If it weren't for the money then he would have got divorced already? Well he is paying $500 a month to her! WTF! Why doesn't he use that money to get a divorce instead??? This all reeks of BS to me. I would hit the eject button on this guy, or at the very least put him in the corner and demand that he starts treating you with even 1/10 of the respect he gives to his insane, alcoholic wife. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 He won't show me the separation papers. Most likely because they don't exist. Please make the right decision. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Having heard (from MW's, whether 'separated' or not) 'horror stories' about alcoholic, pot-smoking, abusive, neglectful, criminal husbands, I have to ask: This? or this? The truth is always somewhere in the middle. Hearsay, while often convincing, is just carbon dioxide. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 He said his friend/lawyer is the one who filed it and he didn't care about the specifics. I work in law so I'm not stupid...we always give clients copies of everything. I agree ... I think you now know a big piece of the truth Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Chitown... This is a disaster waiting to happen Why do you want to be involved in this mans drama ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chitowngirl Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 Chitown... This is a disaster waiting to happen Why do you want to be involved in this mans drama ? Ended it! Major drama, lies...I don't understand why it had to be that way. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Sorry to read that and glad you ended it expediently. Link to post Share on other sites
Lis007 Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I see you have moved on but I just thought regarding the first question.... We have joint accounts and have been separated 2.5 years. The house account which we both contribute to equally and also his name is still on my accounts but he does not use them - I should sort that out. I haven't done it because I am still hoping and praying for reconciliation... Our situation is different and we have separated amicably and with respect and share care of our children but it does happen that people share accounts. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I should sort that out. Yes, you really should. I haven't done it because I am still hoping and praying for reconciliation... I very much doubt that he will see it and think "aww she still has our joint account... well I'll give it another go then". it does happen that people share accounts. And it does happen that people share accounts with an ex who changes, or gets a new partner etc, overdraws that joint account to the max, and the innocent party gets lumped with a huge debt they have to pay. Why take the risk? Link to post Share on other sites
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