DonTomaso Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 5 months now. We both live in NYC, but I'm planning on moving to California at the end of the summer. She knows that I am planning to move and we have discussed continuing to date in a long distance relationship. Even though we had discussed this, I have been scared to fully commit, basically because we are both pretty young (25 yrs. old). This weekend, she asked me if I ever felt unsure about the relationship and I told her that sometimes I do. This led to a long conversation full of crying, etc. The next morning I could tell that she was unhappy and I was too. Now, I am totally confused. Part of me wants to invite her to move with me to California to continue our relationship and part of me is very scared to do this because of the commitment it entails. Either way, I feel that we must come to some resolution or we will not be able to continue our growth together. Any advice is very much appreciated. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Five months...I dunno, to me, that's pretty soon, too soon to ask someone to even move in WITH you, let alone move across the country with you. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Do you love her? Do you think about maybe spending the rest of your life with her? If so, than think about it man. Your 25, that's old enough to start making commitment based decisions I think. If you really love this girl, and want to be with her and HONESTLY want to give it a shot and see if she's the one...than maybe you should ask her. If no to any of the above, than probably not. If you're moving out west and looking forward to chasing tail..than certainly no. Tough call bro, only you will know. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 UCFKevin & wideawake both make good points. For me 5 months would be too soon to contemplate something like this. You're not just talking about moving in together. It entails moving clear across the country. Even a couple with a few years under their belts would have a hard time with that. New jobs, new place to live, new friends to make, leaving behind old friends and family therefore all of your support networks gone overnight. AT the same time some people thrive on this kind of change - only you can judge if you two are those kind of people. I hate to sound pessimistic about it all but even the long distance relationship would have a hard time with this. 5 months is still fairly new & there you will be with the new job, new place, new friends & you'll be very busy & she'll be in the same place, same job, same friends, doing the same stuff & missing you. Unless you can afford it (& enjoy flying) you could visit every other weekend, but if there is no prospect of the two of you being in the same place eventually that too will become difficult & tiresome. Speaking from a bit of experience here - when I first came to the UK & met my current partner we were together for 2 years before I was sent to Australia. Over the next 2 years we saw each other for 5 weeks a year & spoke on the phone as frequently as possible until I decided that we're either in the same country or we end it. Consequently here I am in the UK & we've been living together for 5 years now. I can honestly say that if we were only together for 5 months before I left the UK we would not be together now. It wasn't even until the 6th month that we decided to make a full hearted effort at having a relationship in the first place! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonTomaso Posted May 17, 2004 Author Share Posted May 17, 2004 Thanks fellas... It's a real tough call.... I'm on the fence big time. Kevin... I don't think we would move in together. I'm sure she would live in her own place for a while and I would live with my buddies. I could tell her that I really wish she would come out to LA too. That way, she'll feel like it's more her decision to stay instead of me leaving her behind and she can't be as upset about it. Odds are, she wouldn't come right when I leave because things never time perfectly, and then I'll have a little time there alone to figure out the level at which I miss her. Then maybe she'll cruise out there if I really miss her and she misses me. If I ask her to move out there though, and it doens't work out, then she'll have given up a lot to be out there for me. She's a lawyer here in NY and just passed the bar exam... She would have to leave her law firm, get a new job and re-take the bar in Cali... Any more advice in light of these thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonTomaso Posted May 17, 2004 Author Share Posted May 17, 2004 Wideawake... I do love her and I do have long term thoughts about her such as... "She would make such a great mother." "I really like her friends." Basically, the more I know about her the better she gets. She's a great girl and I would hate to lose her, but I am very commited to leaving the northeast for Cali. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Well at least you got a hang out buddy in LA already. Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Just out of curiousity, why are you moving in the first place? Perhaps she is comparing herself with your reason for leaving. If you were leaving because you were bored and wanted a change, then that can kinda' hurt that she is not worth staying for. Does that make sense? If you have a solid reason for leaving, it may be worth it to her to follow you. (in her own time, as you said, if both of you felt that was a good step.) I, too, am in a new relationship and when he talked about the possibility of moving due to lack of work in our area, I was crushed. To me, $ is not everything and our love is more important than some job. But, I'm a chick. Easy for me to say I suppose. Thankfully we haven't hit the crossroads yet, its still in the near future and I refuse to think about it. HAAA! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonTomaso Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 krbshappy.... I have been wanting to move for some time now, and I have expressed this to my girlfriend since the outset of our relationship. It's not that she's not worth staying for, but I feel that I need to be happy professionally and geographically to really enjoy life to the fullest. It may seem a little selfish, but I am not ready to sacrifice my dreams for another person yet. Does this make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
7seas Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Because the length of your relationship is so short, you should probably go ahead and leave for Cali. Once you get there only then will you be able to decide what to do next. Do the long distance thing (even though it sucks), and then decide if you want her to be there with you. She would have to then make the same decisions for herself. She's more than likely prepared for your departure. Trust your gut. Don't overanalyze. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Don, DO NOT THINK LIKE THAT. You have to follow your dream, regardless of who you're with. No one wants to be a hindurance. Don't sacrifice what you want to do with your life for anyone. You may live to regret it and eventually blame it on the person. Don't live with a "what if" for the rest of your life. Do it! Do it now. I didn't move to LA for a while because of the girl I was with, I would've stuck around for her, but now that I'm here, I'm so glad I came because I'd be missing so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DonTomaso Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 Thanks very much Kevin, 7Seas, Etc.... I did speak with my gf last night. I told her that she is very important to me and that if things keep going well, I would be very happy if she comes to LA when she is ready. I hadn't expressed this to her clearly yet and it made her fell so much better. Now I think we have a good foundation to continue the growth of our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
krbshappy71 Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 Way to go, Don! At the very least you are leaving on a positive note. None of us can tell the future, sometimes I'm glad I can't--at least I have today to enjoy. Good for you on being able to sit down and talk to her. Not everyone can do that. (speaking for myself, let me tell ya. ugh.) Link to post Share on other sites
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