Mrlonelyone Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I am no where near getting married or even in any kind of a relationship personally but I have been thinking about this. My parents are 65 and 70 they have been married for 31 years, just a bit longer than I have been alive. They insist that the basis of a lasting marriage is friendship. That in the long term one's spouse has to be their best friend above all else. When I tell people this view most younger folks seem repulsed by it. That friendship and romantic attachment are two separate things and one and the other cannot exist at the same time. These are all people who have had more relationships than me so I cannot help but think that they know things I don't about them. So on one hand I have one message from folks who have had many relationships. Then another from other people who have had fewer but much longer relationships. Who is right? Should people in the "friendzone" be there forever and platonic or should a persons circle of friends be where they look for a long term stable relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 What makes marriages last is shared values, compatible personalities, friendship, commitment to stay married, and willingness to invest time and effort into building and maintaining the relationship so that it stays healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Farrah Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Marriage is like jumping in the ocean, if you don't you will never experience it...its a calculated risk where u gamble on someone...results are for u to find. I am no where near getting married or even in any kind of a relationship personally but I have been thinking about this. My parents are 65 and 70 they have been married for 31 years, just a bit longer than I have been alive. They insist that the basis of a lasting marriage is friendship. That in the long term one's spouse has to be their best friend above all else. When I tell people this view most younger folks seem repulsed by it. That friendship and romantic attachment are two separate things and one and the other cannot exist at the same time. These are all people who have had more relationships than me so I cannot help but think that they know things I don't about them. So on one hand I have one message from folks who have had many relationships. Then another from other people who have had fewer but much longer relationships. Who is right? Should people in the "friendzone" be there forever and platonic or should a persons circle of friends be where they look for a long term stable relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I bet most of these people repulsed by the idea have a bunch of short relationships that go nowhere. Why would a person not want to enjoy spending time with their spouse? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 What makes marriages last is shared values, compatible personalities, friendship, commitment to stay married, and willingness to invest time and effort into building and maintaining the relationship so that it stays healthy. QFT. True dat. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 They insist that the basis of a lasting marriage is friendship. That in the long term one's spouse has to be their best friend above all else. That's what my parents would say as well, in addition to compatible values, affection and attraction, and good communication. I don't see why anyone would be repulsed by it. When I'm in a relationship, that person is always my best friend. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 That friendship and romantic attachment are two separate things and one and the other cannot exist at the same time. WRONG. Listen to the SUCCESS stories. That is where the wisdom is to be found. About the "friendzone" (I hate that term...there is no such homogenous thing), there are friends I am attracted to, and friends I am not attracted to. Link to post Share on other sites
analystfromhell Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I'd say what makes marriages last is the same thing which leads to long-term friendships. It must be hard to be good at one and not the other. What "that" is, is the difficult thing and hard to answer except in generalities. Obviously there are preconditions (no affairs, etc) but is that enough? Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I agree with what a lot of people have said so far as well as what the OPs parents have said but I also think a huge factor that keeps a marriage lasting is how two people argue with each other. All couples fight but a lot has to do with how they fight. Do they start the fight with degredation and accusations? Or do they fight but keep each other in check and not hit below the belt or belittle the other person. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 What makes marriages last is shared values, compatible personalities, friendship, commitment to stay married, and willingness to invest time and effort into building and maintaining the relationship so that it stays healthy. I agree. To the OP: people being in many relationships unfortunately doesn't mean they are "good" at them or have all this knowledge...believe me....getting into relationships time and again or staying in a bad one is something people are good at it seems more so than sustaining an actual happy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I agree with what a lot of people have said so far as well as what the OPs parents have said but I also think a huge factor that keeps a marriage lasting is how two people argue with each other. All couples fight but a lot has to do with how they fight. Do they start the fight with degredation and accusations? Or do they fight but keep each other in check and not hit below the belt or belittle the other person. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. Amazing point! I am all for pre-marital counseling and even counseling during marriage, simply to learn tools to help you effectively deal with the issues that WILL come up. Knowing how to disagree is not always some "natural" thing or your natural tendency may be a destructive one. Even compatible people will disagree but learning effective ways of disagreeing is a GREAT TOOL to aid all relationships, marriages, friendships, work relationships etc. So many people cite their relationship as good "except for the arguments"....for me, when we have a disagreement it should still be good as we've learned how to disagree and should be able to come away from it not feeling alienated but understanding each other, agreeing to disagree if such is the case, arriving at a solution and going to bed without being angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 All couples fight but a lot has to do with how they fight. Do they start the fight with degredation and accusations? Or do they fight but keep each other in check and not hit below the belt or belittle the other person. In the case of my parents usually while drunk. We have both Amerindian and Irish in addition to black ancestry... when mixed with a thimble of alcohol it's incendiary! Mom will bring up something my dad did in 1976 and nag him about it. He supposedly told her that once he became an MD they would have steak for dinner every day (I guess that was a big deal when they were comming up.) At least once a year she brings that up. They rehash past affairs. When asked they actually describe eachother as good drinking buddies. I didn't say it was perfect...just long lasting. Seriously though what Miss Bee and Vismini said is about right. They don't argue to "win" they argue almost exclusively due to drunk talk...which they forget shortly afterwards. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I didn't say it was perfect...just long lasting.. What's 'perfect' & works for one isn't always 'perfect' & works for another. Personally I don't think there's such a thing as a PERFECT marriage. A few years ago (in my own situation) I'd say that leaving a marriage for 14 months, gaining perspective on life in general & both of you get your crap in order & then come back together & carry on......... NOW I say, FRIENDSHIP is the most important thing. If you can still laugh at & with each other & have fun when you're just hanging out, when you're out & about or just watching TV....There's My "secret." Confused....Married 31 years. Has known her husband 34 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Reuben Kinkaid Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I am no where near getting married or even in any kind of a relationship personally but I have been thinking about this. My parents are 65 and 70 they have been married for 31 years, just a bit longer than I have been alive. They insist that the basis of a lasting marriage is friendship. That in the long term one's spouse has to be their best friend above all else. When I tell people this view most younger folks seem repulsed by it. That friendship and romantic attachment are two separate things and one and the other cannot exist at the same time. These are all people who have had more relationships than me so I cannot help but think that they know things I don't about them. So on one hand I have one message from folks who have had many relationships. Then another from other people who have had fewer but much longer relationships. Who is right? Should people in the "friendzone" be there forever and platonic or should a persons circle of friends be where they look for a long term stable relationship? We use a large, vibrating egg. Link to post Share on other sites
bosunmate Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 My wife and i are going to renew our vows next summer for our 40th..in our case we have been best friends from the start always doing things together..I had a single male friend who just couldn't understand how i wouldn't do anything that excluded my wife. He could not accept that she came first. But another biggie is sex you both have to be on the same page or you'll be doomed almost for sure...what i enjoy is being able to talk to my life partner about my history, after all she was there..and our friendship helped us endure the tough times in life we all go through...i think luck might be a factor in there too..that's my 2 cents on the topic Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Similar values, some similar interests and similar temperaments are key for us. I would say that humour and friendship are the real glue though... but I don't know, theres just something about my Hubby which keeps me intersted and I am not sure precisely what it is. Maybe it is just an ongoing, deep attraction? We are part of each other now. This helps when disagreements arise, which neither of us are overly invested in 'winning', though we may wind each other up. It is more about our own way of understanding each other more than anything else. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 What makes marriages last is shared values, compatible personalities, friendship, commitment to stay married, and willingness to invest time and effort into building and maintaining the relationship so that it stays healthy. Agreed... I agree with what a lot of people have said so far as well as what the OPs parents have said but I also think a huge factor that keeps a marriage lasting is how two people argue with each other. All couples fight but a lot has to do with how they fight. Do they start the fight with degredation and accusations? Or do they fight but keep each other in check and not hit below the belt or belittle the other person. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. This is also an excellent point... And, as your parents told you, friendship. A good friendship and respect for the other person is what will carry you through the ebbs and flows, for there is no such thing as a successful longterm marriage that is ALWAYS at high tide for pure romance. I am surprised that your friends have never experienced co-mingled love, friendship and lust. That seems rather sad to me. I had many relationships before I married, and the most serious ones always had that mixture to some degree. I have only been married a couple of years, but I lived with my husband for a few years before that, and had an LDR with him for a year before THAT. I love him romantically and sexually, but he is also my best friend--not my only friend, mind you, that's a very important distinction. My parents have been married 40+ years, happily for the most part. My mom still grabs my dad's butt when they think nobody's looking, and my dad hurt his back recently while they were having sex in the La-Z-Boy...TMI, mom!...but it's nice to know they still get their groove on like that. And they have their married squabbles, but they'd still describe themselves as best friends. IMO, that's what makes a marriage a real partnership. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 (edited) communication and honesty for starters. Resisting any urge to do something stupid....like cheating or abuse. Having empathy and treating your SO how you want to be treated. Having the realization that things aren't going to always be perfect and that sometimes you will need to do some slight adjusting/change with yourself to keep things going healthy and great. Last and not least: always take some time out of your day to show your love and appreciation to your SO. Edited October 15, 2011 by Pyro Link to post Share on other sites
JaneyAmazed Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Something I'm learning...if both husband and wife wake up everyday thinking about how they can make each other happy, then they will have a lasting and fulfilling marriage. Self-centered individuals rarely make it through a long lasting happy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Something I'm learning...if both husband and wife wake up everyday thinking about how they can make each other happy, then they will have a lasting and fulfilling marriage. Self-centered individuals rarely make it through a long lasting happy marriage. I like this and plan to be this way in my marriage and need to marry a man whose motto is "A happy wife is a happy life" When you're dating you often are very conscious of little and big things you can do to make your S/O happy and the courtship is usually great and I'd like my marriage to continue that trend. My aunt and uncle definitely still court each other and both consciously think of the little and big things they can do to keep the passion alive and to make the other feel loved and special. I think sometimes people assume the person knows you love them so you don't need to try to show them anymore...but I think occasionally or consistently making them aware of your love and appreciation can only help your marriage, as so many seem to cite feelings of neglect as why they stray for someone who pays them that attention and care. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 My 66 year old neighbor who is approaching his 40th anniversary and he says him and his wife are really great friends with really great benefits. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 My Grandparents were married 63+years (if my memory serves me right) before they were separated by the death of my Grandpa. My whole life I use to think that they were the best of friends.. they simply just loved being in each others company. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted October 22, 2011 Share Posted October 22, 2011 Who is right? Should people in the "friendzone" be there forever and platonic or should a persons circle of friends be where they look for a long term stable relationship? As much as I agree that the basis for a great relationship comes from having a solid friendship, it takes more than that to make a relationship last. Case in point is my parents. They've been married like 27 years, and I'm pretty sure that my dad is miserable in that marriage and has probably cheated on my mom more than once. I mean yes they are best friends who love hanging out and such, but they don't have much beyond that and the fact that they are strict Christians who wouldn't dare divorce no matter what. I haven't seen my parents hold hands since I was 10, let alone kiss or hug. So I'm convinced from their example and the passionless relationship I feel trapped into by my best friend, that it takes more than friendship to make things work. I think it takes passion, a deep love that is unconditional, patience, honesty, hard work, and friendship to have a great marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
lolo69 Posted October 25, 2011 Share Posted October 25, 2011 Just venting since I do know I have a wonderful wife. However, life becomes very boring with her. No mayor emotions, or surprises...I try to do my best to keep life exciting but sometimes I feel lonely doing this....most of the times. I am not saying that she does her best to make me happy but usually feels like she does it for me rather than for us which is making me feel distant. I am so stupid...I felt attracted to a young woman and since she was too nice with me, I started to flirt after a few days, everything stopped as I realized that I was just acting up....and it is the same all the time...a conflict between respecting and loving my wife but not feeling very much emotions with her....maybe I need to accept it...although difficult...she is the mother of my three children and has changed a lot for me/us... I have to make peace with the fact that all the things that bring excitement to our lives come through me.....she is very quite...and when she talks is like she doesn't have much to say...the same is her father and mother...so I can't blame her for being like that.... We have been talking and dealing with these differences but hasn't been easy.....she doesn't make me feel too loved.....I know she does....but I feel so far away from her sometimes that kills me..... Is too much to desire to have a marriage where the other finishes your sentences and or when you need something (sexual, spiritual, or physiological) that she is there for me.....no.....as always have to deal with all my troubles by myself.....I feel lonely and in conflict because I love her and want to be with her but when I think that she won't have a clue about what I may need, makes me sad wanting so bad to want to feel loved this way, and I can't.... Link to post Share on other sites
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