Gentlegirl Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 xMM made an overture after 10 months NC. I DID respond to him. It wasn't with anger or bitterness. I told him that he had hurt me badly . I also said the fact that he was on a dating website spoke volumes about him . He didn't resolve anything with his wife.... just lied some more. I let him know that I would never ,ever have anything to do with him again. I said he was something to be very afraid of because of his destructive selfish behaviour. To a man with his ****ed up personality, all that would be water off the duck's back. It would mean zilch to him. IN hindsight, I would say he was incapable of real empathy. Sometimes, I would get flashes of intuition about him... I felt he was playing a character, saying the words, doing the actions. When an A splits up, there is so much left unsaid and unresolved. The OW is sometimes just pushed under that bus and never has the opportunity to say her piece. I did it, I said some of it... probably the most important bits for me, and now I have moved a bit further away from him. I am feeling a lot more at peace. Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I feel so sorry for his wife. Her husband is at it again, on a dating website, contacting his former paramour to try to start something up again, and she has no clue what kind of creep she is married to. I'm glad you put him in his place and would never consider going back to him. I just wish someone would let the wife in on this. It's a shame she is played for a fool by this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Choose Life Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Good for you Sooooooo glad you were able to say some of what you wanted to. It no doubt even registered with him, but hey it made you feel better, and move forward that little bit more. It's funny how with time we actually see them for what they are! Keep moving on, keep that door closed, and again nicely done Link to post Share on other sites
eleanor01 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 YAY For you! Gentlegirl, you are such a wonderful, kind, caring person. I am so impressed with your strength and clear-headedness. And moreover, I am so happy that you are reaching some kind of closure with this situation. It's been a long time coming, eh? You rock. Ellie Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gentlegirl Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 YAY For you! Gentlegirl, you are such a wonderful, kind, caring person. I am so impressed with your strength and clear-headedness. And moreover, I am so happy that you are reaching some kind of closure with this situation. It's been a long time coming, eh? You rock. Ellie Hi Ellie, It felt good to push that "send" button and know that I had put all those feelings in that email. It erased a lot of the pain that was lingering. It let me tell him how much he hurt me. It would have meant nothing to him at all. Just put me more at peace and that's the most important thing. Now for a quiet, restful weekend. Hope you have the same, Cheers , Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Kitsune77 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I doubt it meant nothing to him GG, but i'm glad that you were able to tell him how much he hurt you...I know what a burden that can lift sometimes. I do not think you have heard the last from him though...just a feeling. I'm glad you are at peace ((hugs)) xxx Hi Ellie, It felt good to push that "send" button and know that I had put all those feelings in that email. It erased a lot of the pain that was lingering. It let me tell him how much he hurt me. It would have meant nothing to him at all. Just put me more at peace and that's the most important thing. Now for a quiet, restful weekend. Hope you have the same, Cheers , Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I feel so sorry for his wife. Her husband is at it again, on a dating website, contacting his former paramour to try to start something up again, and she has no clue what kind of creep she is married to. I'm glad you put him in his place and would never consider going back to him. I just wish someone would let the wife in on this. It's a shame she is played for a fool by this guy. How do you know she's not aware of it? And what does this have to do with Gentlegirl? GG, glad you're listening to yourself and treating yourself well, no longer lowering yourself down into the muck. Well done! Others will see this and follow suit. It's a new day!! Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Gentlegirl, It meant something to you and that means everything. Hopefully the fact that you see him for who he is will register in his mind. Either way, if you are able to move forward productively, and in a healthy way, then this is great! Have a happy weekend! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 xMM made an overture after 10 months NC. I DID respond to him. It wasn't with anger or bitterness. I told him that he had hurt me badly . I also said the fact that he was on a dating website spoke volumes about him . He didn't resolve anything with his wife.... just lied some more. I let him know that I would never ,ever have anything to do with him again. I said he was something to be very afraid of because of his destructive selfish behaviour. To a man with his ****ed up personality, all that would be water off the duck's back. It would mean zilch to him. IN hindsight, I would say he was incapable of real empathy. Sometimes, I would get flashes of intuition about him... I felt he was playing a character, saying the words, doing the actions. When an A splits up, there is so much left unsaid and unresolved. The OW is sometimes just pushed under that bus and never has the opportunity to say her piece. I did it, I said some of it... probably the most important bits for me, and now I have moved a bit further away from him. I am feeling a lot more at peace. Gentlegirl Yaaaay! I am happy for you Link to post Share on other sites
MilfinBerle Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Breaking NC after ten months is a huge mistake. It sets you right back to Day 1. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 How do you know she's not aware of it? And what does this have to do with Gentlegirl? GG, glad you're listening to yourself and treating yourself well, no longer lowering yourself down into the muck. Well done! Others will see this and follow suit. It's a new day!! Based on GGs prior posts, I got the impression the wife is oblivious to her husband's exploits. I'm venting in frustration when I read the guy is continuing to look for lovers outside his marriage and keep his wife in the dark about all this. I just wish someone would blow that SOB out of the water and not let him continue in his deceit. Most women trust their husbands, and they don't go looking for evidence to the contrary unless it becomes so blatant, or unless it is accidentally discovered, so I am assuming the wife doesn't know. I am glad for GG that she has put this guy in his place and will not allow him to use or hurt her again. Link to post Share on other sites
So_Overit Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Congratulations, GentleGirl. YOu maintained cool and put him in his place, down under a rock somewhere. I would be he contacted you b/c he wasn't having any luck on the dating scene. Sounds like an egotistical SOB. His wife many know or suspect that your xMM is a liar and cheating on her and not want to address it. Especially if they have been married for a long time. She wanted to keep her house and way of life, and go on. It is HER choice. @MilfinBerle, no it does not set her back to day 1. xMM initiated contact, Gentlegirl got to tell him to go pound sand. Congrats to you GentleGirl. Link to post Share on other sites
all3sides Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Bravo, GG! You get a high five and a hug from me! It does feel good doesn't it? And no I don't think it puts a person back to square one in every instance. Sometimes it's needed to get to the next step. My xMM broke 5 months NC a couple weeks ago to invite me for "drinks and to talk" although I know that's not what he had planned, that's exactly and ONLY what he got. I got to have my say and get my closure. Which was the only thing I was after and it was the first chance I felt in a good enough place to do it with strength and certainty. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Breaking NC after ten months is a huge mistake. It sets you right back to Day 1. Not at all. There comes a time where you're strong enough to take back the power and the best way to do it is to exert it. Well done GG. I'm very very proud of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I am so happy for you that you got to say what you needed to. I wish all of us was that lucky. You are now stronger than you were before and I'm sure moving forward will be easier for you. I couldn't believe the part about him being on a dating site. The man needs help. I sure hope he gets it before it's too late for him and his wife. Congrats Gentlegirl. Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Wow! You are my hero and role model. I hope to be in your shoes one day. My break up was last year but I let him back in when he broke NC and then I got burned twice as bad as the first time. Now I'm struggling with a setback. My goal is to do NC forever. Its that simple. I'm not doing NC so that he can get curious and call me up again, this time I'm doing it forever. He has hurt me so bad and if I had to go through this a 3rd time, I'd be in a depressed coma or would have a heart attack. I'm so glad you didnt let him back in because as you're own heart is telling you, you'd only be hurt again. One day I promise to come back to this forum as a happily married woman, encouraging others that it gets better. For right now, I know that the best was to achieve the goal of having my own husband is to stay away from anyone who is already married! Link to post Share on other sites
Tirai Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 When an A splits up, there is so much left unsaid and unresolved. The OW is sometimes just pushed under that bus and never has the opportunity to say her piece. I did it, I said some of it... probably the most important bits for me, and now I have moved a bit further away from him. I am feeling a lot more at peace. Gentlegirl Happy for you feeling better Gg! I was just today thinking about the NC vs talking about it with him for spoke with xMM today. NC absolutely is the way to take the needed time and space. But maybe at some point and on some situations it is possible talking with them helps too. Found an old post from my previous heartache: "i dont want him back but still breaking NC and finally going through the things i needed to talk with him at "nothing to loose anymore" basis was very releaving and my healing really started after that" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gentlegirl Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 Based on GGs prior posts, I got the impression the wife is oblivious to her husband's exploits. I'm venting in frustration when I read the guy is continuing to look for lovers outside his marriage and keep his wife in the dark about all this. I just wish someone would blow that SOB out of the water and not let him continue in his deceit. Most women trust their husbands, and they don't go looking for evidence to the contrary unless it becomes so blatant, or unless it is accidentally discovered, so I am assuming the wife doesn't know. I am glad for GG that she has put this guy in his place and will not allow him to use or hurt her again. That was my imprssion as well Kathy . xMM said she was a busy lady, charity work, holidays away with girlfriends, nights out with girlfriends. He was SOOO neglected. Perhaps she had prior experience of his infidelity and her business was a strategy to cope with her life??????? I have no idea what his past entailed In hindsight, it seems to me that he was really a slick cheater... he boasted at one time about knowing how to cheat and never get caught You just have to keep things looking normal.. be where you should be at the time you said. Don't change at home in anyway., etc etc. Breaking NC was not a mistake. It hasn't set me back, but pushed me forward. Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
MilfinBerle Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 You're still talking about this guy and it's supposed to be over for ten months now. Yes he broke contact first but that doesn't mean it was a wise idea to break contact yourself to "tell him off." Contact is contact, emotional investment is emotional investment, keep picking at the scab and it will never heal. You tell yourself since the content of what you are communicating portrays him negatively it "doesn't count" or that it's a positive thing. It's not. This guy should not even exist for you right now. When you got his email fishing around you don't respond, you simply delete, and block that email (if you haven't blocked it before). Keep lying to yourself and see where you are in another ten months. Link to post Share on other sites
So_Overit Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 That was my imprssion as well Kathy . xMM said she was a busy lady, charity work, holidays away with girlfriends, nights out with girlfriends. He was SOOO neglected. Perhaps she had prior experience of his infidelity and her business was a strategy to cope with her life??????? I have no idea what his past entailed In hindsight, it seems to me that he was really a slick cheater... he boasted at one time about knowing how to cheat and never get caught You just have to keep things looking normal.. be where you should be at the time you said. Don't change at home in anyway., etc etc. Breaking NC was not a mistake. It hasn't set me back, but pushed me forward. Gentlegirl Gentlegirl, this Poor Poor xMM ... I would guess that he never showed interest in his W and her activities... he sounds pretty narcissistic to me. Just the fact that he had the nerve to try and come back to you! OMG! @MinfinBerle, wow you are all sweetness and positive things and you certainly seem to know it all! I think Gentlegirl wanted all of us here to know the outcome of her story and how she handled it. Period. You are making assumptions here. Go back and read all about Gentlegirl and her situation. I just don't understand why there are so many nasty negative people here on this forum who can't be supportive and helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
fellhard4u Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 GG, I am happy that you had an opportunity to let him know what was on your mind, all the while staying strong and not "falling" for his attempt to suck you back in. In order to ensure that he stays away from you, why not forward his email and your response to BW? From what I've read here, often BWs are unaware that their H's are "at it again" and would like to know what's going on. Here's to an emotionally healthy and happy you GG! Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 In order to ensure that he stays away from you, why not forward his email and your response to BW? From what I've read here, often BWs are unaware that their H's are "at it again" and would like to know what's going on. Here's to an emotionally healthy and happy you GG! Now here is a truly terrible idea. What this guy does to his wife is no longer any concern of GG's. Sending this email to his wife is a fast track back into the drama. NOTHING good will come of it for GG. Nothing. Just keep the door closed and keep on keepin on. Link to post Share on other sites
Barrsitter Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Well done GG!!!! I applaud you for having NC for 10 months and not answering him. Your fMM has his own issues to deal with and you are rightly sticking to yourself and healing. I hope your fMM gets some help. Same for his W. Why be married if you aren't going to spend your energies on your spouse? I just don't get that. To thine own self be true. Best advice in the whole world, me thinks! Link to post Share on other sites
MilfinBerle Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Now here is a truly terrible idea. What this guy does to his wife is no longer any concern of GG's. Sending this email to his wife is a fast track back into the drama. NOTHING good will come of it for GG. Nothing. Just keep the door closed and keep on keepin on. She just re-opened it after ten months. Link to post Share on other sites
SBC Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 She just re-opened it after ten months. No she didn't. And I think it is rude that you said she is lying to herself. Life is not linear, it is more circular and directional. She is moving in the absolutely the right direction, she just circled around a bit to purge herself of some baggage. As long as she keeps moving as she is, all is good. Link to post Share on other sites
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