Don't know anymore.

[bigguy02]

Facts

-25 years old, so is wife

-together 7 years, married 3.5ish

-we have a 2 year old, she is about 10 weeks pregnant

-suffered a recent miscarriage, about 6 months ago.

-I work over night 12 hour shifts. I basically work wed and thus day one week, and then the next week those are my nights off.

 

The story is pretty much me rambling, if you want the gist skip to the bottom.

 

Story

So sense about the time we got married my Wife and I have had a sporadic sex life to say the least. My wedding fell right in the middle of a 4 month dry spell.(I’m pretty sure that's been the longest in the relationship) I was married for 2 months before I got to consummate my marriage. Sense then we have had sex as much as 2-3 times a week to 1-2 a month, it comes in waves with the occasional every day of the week, week. Over all I would say I have been just shy of satisfied up until the first pregnancy. During that time things were actually great. We had sex regularly; days she did not feel up to it, she would ether perform oral or give me a helping hand to tide me over. After the birth of my son things got bad, we would go weeks without sex, any time I would complain she would cite being tired and over stressed, be ether the new baby, her new job(she was given a promotion upon returning from maternity leave), or school. Then we had the miscarriage and that caused lots of issues, and now she is pregnant again. So combining all of that and then add in my work schedule it’s hard to find time for us, and when we do have it she wants to nap or watch tv or just is not interested. We went to therapy about 1.5 years ago and it helped with some of our issues and mad the sex a little better for a while. I have talked, asked, begged and yelled about this. Her general responses are “get over it”, “leave me and find better”, and “watch some porn and masturbate”. When we really get down to it, she says she is not sure why she feels this way but she does, and she is pretty unwilling to do anything about it. I only get sex when she needs it(about once every 3 weeks) but sometimes she will just masturbate and pass on the sex(manly nights I work). I have a strong desire to please her so I have offered to use her toy on here with no expectations of any favors in return. I have made “deals” to do house work just so I could perform oral sex on her with nothing in return. I do this in hopes that she will feel the urge to go all the way, witch hardly happens. Sadly she has no concept of that same feeling. My sexual frustration has lead to me being angry and nasty all the time, and I can’t stand the way I act. Im at the point now that I want to just not want sex anymore to make my life easier, and not destroy my marriage, at least for the next 40 weeks till she is not pregnant anymore. Damn it now im just rambling.

 

Short version.

I am sick and tired of my sexual frustration messing with my marriage. I have tried everything and my wife has told me pretty bluntly that she won’t try to change and I need to cope, if I don’t find some way to not want her anymore I’m going to ruin my marriage. What do I do?

[bigguy02]

^^This^^ while understandable, isn't going to get you anywhere. First thing's first, you need to work on your own way of dealing with things so you feel better. You don't like the way you act, so invest in learning some new coping skills.

 

Now, there were a lot of changes in your M pretty fast. With her working, being preggos now, having a small child and going to school, I can see where she'd be exhausted. I hope you can see this too. You NOT really understanding this will only serve to widen the gap between you.

 

While she's pregnant, she's being controlled by hormones. In some pregnancies (like your first) a woman has an increased drive. In others, it completely diminishes. And then there are all those in between. So with her being pregnant right now, it's probably not the best time to try to sort this out. Especially since she's still in her first trimester. That's when I was most sick, and most tired. Her body is going through a ton of changes and has a lot of physical demand. Sometimes that's hard for people on the outside to understand but so much of the development is happening right now, it really zaps a woman's energy. Have you read up on fetal development? You might do that just so you have a better understanding of what's going on with her right now.

 

Having said all that, it sounds to me like the outside demands have just overtaken your M, and the sex life has fallen to the bottom of the list of priorities. That will happen if the other things are a "must" and there's no other way to tackle them other than to do them yourselves.

 

How are your domestic responsibilities shared now? It sounds like she does most of the domestic chores, and works and goes to school too. If you can afford it, get her some help with housekeeping, child care, laundry, or whatever you can get outside help with. Look closely at your daily lives and see where you can take some things off of her. Stop using your domestic help as a bargaining chip for sexual favors. That's actually a little insulting. Get her or give her help because you're an equal part in the marriage, in the house.

 

I have been attempting to sort this out for almost 2 years now, so it’s nothing new really. I forgot to mention that she is done with school now so that is out of the equation. As far as house work goes, pending the week it tends to be split 50-50, with her normally refusing to do any cooking. I really do fall behind on the laundry though.

 

I know I need to find a way to cope that is the main reason I made this thread. If I can’t find a way to lower my expectations for sex in our relationship, I will run it into the ground. Sadly it will come at the cost of almost all affection in the relationship. I cannot get close to her without feeling desire for her, and it’s now to the point that I cannot feel that way without also feeling slighted and repulsive due to her not sharing any physical feelings toward me.

[frozensprouts]

it sounds like you wife is exhausted and with everything that is going on right now, she may need some extra love and care.

 

this does not mean that you should be put on the back burner, but is sounds like your wife has had three pregnancies in pretty short time frame, and one of them was a miscarriage. this may have been devastating for her and you as well.

 

plus she's working and going to school.

 

the idea of getting her some outside help sounds good, if possible. if that won't work, is there any way you can get a sitter and have the two of you go out for a nice dinner, lunch, a walk in the park holding hands, etc. and just unwind and be together? this might be really nice for both of you...

 

when our kids were small, we didn't get sitters, and i think that always being "parents" and not "husband and wife" was bad for us. once we were able to find a sitter we trusted, we started going out every so often, and it's really nice. we get to be "husband an wife" and not just mom and dad to three kids . we sometimes will walk around downtown holding hands and window shopping. it reminds us of when we were dating.that sort of intimacy almost always leads to sexual intimacy when we get home.

our kids love their sitter-they have fun and so do we.

 

good luck to you!

[btbarnum]

Ignore Older+Wiser. That person never learned reading comprehension.

 

What I found interesting was how you said she told you to find someone better + that you should masturbate makes me think she's probably a little down on herself (she might have even blamed herself for her miscarriage. Maybe she doesn't feel like the best mother to you child because she feels pulled in so many directions. Maybe she just doesn't like sex.

 

If you were in her shoes, you would think and act the same way. So why so much going on in your lives? What with the jobs and schooling... Why not cut out the excess and get back to basics.

 

Find a new intimacy. Get your kicks by holding her or talking to her or learning something new about her. This isn't the end. There will be more sex I'm sure. Stop thinking in quantity and make a quality marriage.

[xxoo]

Does she have morning sickness? How does she feel overall?

 

The first trimester is EXHAUSTING. A kind of tired I've never felt before. I can not overestimate this point. Add in some nausea, and a persistent need to urinate (all 40 weeks for me!), and sex is a challenge. It will change around week 14 or so.

 

It sounds like you had a reduction of sexual frequency with a new baby, after a miscarriage, and in the first trimester of a new pregnancy. Well, who doesn't? Frankly, all of this sounds normal. Your expectation of regular sex during these stages of parenthood may be unreasonable.

 

What does NOT sound normal is marrying during a 4 month dry spell???? What was that about? Why would you marry someone who currently is not interested in sex with you?

[xxoo]

Find a new intimacy. Get your kicks by holding her or talking to her or learning something new about her. This isn't the end. There will be more sex I'm sure. Stop thinking in quantity and make a quality marriage.

 

LOVE THIS!

 

Wise words

[LSChic]

Ok, here's the thing...

 

I'm the first person to tell people who are in relationships with mismatched sex drives to break up. No matter what anyone says, sex is a really important part of any long-term romantic/sexual relationship. It just is.

 

However...I feel like if you 1) Have the foresight to get married and 2) Decide to have kids (which I assume you did because she got pregnant 3 times in 2 years) you make an implicit agreement that you will cut down on the sex if necessary. I'd say a reasonable amount of time is the 9 months of pregnancy and then 6 months to a year after the baby is born. This may sound like a lot of time to go without sex/with very little sex, but if you're 25 and married, you have the next 60 years together, so it's really very short term when you look at the big picture.

 

Your wife is only going to be pregnant like 2-4 times average. She's already been pregnant 3 times. Most women in this day and age in America/Europe don't want more than 3 kids. So you're most of the way through it. Just hang in there.

 

Pregnancy is enough to make the horniest woman feel unsexy and unattractive (some women feel sexier when they're pregnant, but I feel like they're the exception to the rule). Imagine if you suddenly ballooned 60+ pounds in 9 months! Add in the hormones and...errr...the vaginal trauma of childbirth and the last thing on your mind is going to be sex.

 

This is the one time in your life together that you're going to have to cut your wife some slack and just drop the whole sex thing. Believe it or not, it actually is possible (even for men!) to go 3 years or so without sex.

 

If you really need an "outlet" talk to your wife about maybe watching porn together or just lying in bed naked and touching. This might be enough to turn her on, but if it's not you just have to buck up and do the celibate thing right now because you love her. This is one of those massive sacrifices we make for the people we love.

 

If by the time your youngest is sitting up/eating baby food your wife is still acting like this, consider breaking up or at least going back to therapy. However, I bet that after she gives birth, heals and her hormones go back to normal, she'll be the sexy woman you married.

[whichwayisup]

Your approach is wrong.. You need to make her understand that this isn't just about sex. It's more than that, it's intimacy, a way of feeling loved and feeling close to her.

 

Anyway, I strongly urge you to suggest to her that she gets a full physical done. It is very possible that she is depressed, that her hormones are out of whack since her miscarriage and then getting pregnant again, has affected her sexually.

 

Don't let this one issue blow apart your marriage. Look at the bigger picture, your kids, your family unit and life. Day to day, week to week, you can get used to having an up and down (excuse the pun) sex life. Sorry, but that IS life in a marriage, sometimes things are wonderful in the bedroom and other times it won't be.

 

Just be honest and talk to her, but in a loving way. I get your frustration, just don't let that ruin what your marriage.

[Osiris1234]

Her general responses are “get over it”, “leave me and find better”, and “watch some porn and masturbate”. When we really get down to it, she says she is not sure why she feels this way but she does, and she is pretty unwilling to do anything about it.

 

 

Then tell her you really will leave and that you hope she has a nice life.

 

My ex did this one time. She said if it was so bad then to leave. I told her that fine, I will in a calm state, and told her I hope she has a good life. Went out a ****ed other chicks for 2 months straight while she called and called begging me to take her back. I finally talked to her and she said she wanted me back an that she was willing to work it out. So we got back together and she giving it to me 2-3 times a week. She never knew about the 2 months of me getting sex.

 

In the end it worked out for me. She never found out and I got sex up the arse.

[Mutant Debutante]

Then tell her you really will leave and that you hope she has a nice life.

 

My ex did this one time. She said if it was so bad then to leave. I told her that fine, I will in a calm state, and told her I hope she has a good life. Went out a ****ed other chicks for 2 months straight while she called and called begging me to take her back. I finally talked to her and she said she wanted me back an that she was willing to work it out. So we got back together and she giving it to me 2-3 times a week. She never knew about the 2 months of me getting sex.

 

In the end it worked out for me. She never found out and I got sex up the arse.

 

oh, what an awesome idea. Blackmail your wife. Force an exhausted pregnant woman who also has a full time job and a toddler to either have sex she doesn't want or lose the father of her children. Really constructive, douchebag.

[bigguy02]

Due to a lack of editing capabilities ill repost my question here with a bit more emphasis

I am sick and tired of my sexual frustration messing with my marriage. I have tried everything and my wife has told me pretty bluntly that she won’t try to change and I need to cope, if I don’t find some way to not want her anymore I’m going to ruin my marriage. What do I do?

I attempted to include a back story but decided it was going to be to lengthy and that it did not pertain to my question. I should of deleted it but did not, if I decide to post any future questions I will make sure not to make the same mistake.

 

To the few that decide I was a male chauvinistic pig. That’s actually pretty far from the truth, but I don’t need to convince you otherwise, also it really should not make a difference in answering my actual question.

 

Now, does anyone have any suggestions on how I can go about coping with being sexually frustrated? Leaving is not an option, neither is adultery. Also I have decide abstinence is my best course of action.

[soserious1]

OK, so it appears someone is doing A LOT more work in this marriage than the other. Hmmm. Who could it be?

 

 

Ahhhh, I just figured it out. She's busting her ass working a full time job, doing all the housework, carrying and birthing your children, AND going to school.

 

And you're....working (which is ONE of the MANY things she's doing).

 

Looks like we have yet another jerk whose all for 'equality' because he depends on wifey's salary - but he ALSO thinks housework is a 'woman's job.' So you have to make 'deals' to do things around the house that you SHOULD be doing ANYWAY????? Freakin' pitiful. No wonder she wants nothing to do with you.

 

You sound like a dog in heat constantly looking to get some action. Hey - HERE'S a crazy notion - why don't you actually contribute around the house the way you SHOULD be doing? And no, taking out the garbage is NOT doing your equal 'share.' And making 'deals' to scrub the bathroom or do the laundry because you keep thinking with your d*ck doesn't COUNT - you should be doing that crap ANYWAY.

 

No wonder she doesn't respect you. You do the bare minimum and let everything ELSE fall on her shoulders - while you're constantly humping her leg and whining how deprived you are. How attractive.

 

So, you think the OP hit his wife over the head with a club, threw away her birth control pills and forcibly caused her to become pregnant 3 times in 2 yrs?

 

Sorry but the OP's wife bears at least 50% of the responsibility for her miserable, overworked existence. At some point common sense needs to come into play, just working & caring for a 2 yr old is hard enough, adding in going to school and 2 additional pregnancy attempts is hardly a rational thing to do.

Edited October 17, 2011 by soserious1

[bigguy02]

Once again as of May 8th 2011 my wife GRADUATED with a BS in Accounting, and I couldn't be more proud of her.

[StoneCold]

The prognosis isnt good for you buddy. Your marriage has a serious problem. The both of you identified it...you tried and shes is adamant about not trying. When she says...

 

Her general responses are “get over it”, “leave me and find better”, and “watch some porn and masturbate”.

 

Shes pretty much telling you to go f*ck yourself....about something that is important to you....Its not even really about just the sex at that point...goes way past that. This is not good. What should you do? Well for starters....why do you want to change and not like sex anymore?.....me personally?.... I wouldnt try to change myself just so that I accomodate someone that chooses to hurt me (that just doesnt add up to me IMHO). Clearly this cant go on but I'm not even going to try to tell you how to end/handle this. Its your relationship and you'll do it how and when you think best.

 

I'll give you this...you are already on the right track in that you tried. Because should this marriage end you dont want to say to yourself that you didnt try. It'll likely make the process of letting go much easier

 

oh BTW

 

 

I have offered to use her toy on here with no expectations of any favors in return. I have made “deals” to do house work just so I could perform oral sex on her with nothing in return.

 

Never do this...dont trade "this" for "that"....dont relegate your own needs to a small place just to accomodate someone (especially someone thats messing you up and knows it)....it doesnt work (well I guess you found that one out).....they just lose respect for you because it makes you look imasculated and spineless (not saying you are but thats what is communicated)...........its at about this point that things tend to get worse.

 

Once you do this stuff...they know they got you

Edited October 17, 2011 by StoneCold

[bigmomma1974]

she was like this before the marraige, what makes you think marrying her would change. There has to be an issue somewhere in her life that has her feeling like this. is she insecure about her weight, her body, scars? Granted now having a baby, working and being pregnant again is stressful and tiresome. Be patient, talk to her ,rub her back, feet, and kiss her gentley, if she isnt willing to change, maybe you better decide if this is how you want to spend your life.. You want sex more then she does. She seems not to want it that much. Therphy helped some is she still going?Will she continue to go?

[xxoo]

You want advice on dealing with temporary sexual frustration?

 

When pregnancy or birth interfered with my ability to enjoy sex, my husband held me a lot, touched me a lot, and then relieved himself a lot. I know he got aroused. I empathized with his situation (sexual frustration), and he empathized with mine.

[StoneCold]

You want advice on dealing with temporary sexual frustration?

 

When pregnancy or birth interfered with my ability to enjoy sex, my husband held me a lot, touched me a lot, and then relieved himself a lot. I know he got aroused. I empathized with his situation (sexual frustration), and he empathized with mine.

 

Were you similar to his wife in that you openly expressed no inclination whatsoever of fixing things?

[xxoo]

Were you similar to his wife in that you openly expressed no inclination whatsoever of fixing things?

 

No, but my husband was not similar to the OP, either, in that he didn't pressure me for sex when I was pregnant or postpartum. I can't see me being willing to "fix" a sex problem while 10 wks pregnant, either.

[StoneCold]

No, but my husband was not similar to the OP, either, in that he didn't pressure me for sex when I was pregnant or postpartum. I can't see me being willing to "fix" a sex problem while 10 wks pregnant, either.

 

Well I guess it depends on how you define"pressuring for sex"...because I didnt read it that way

[StoneCold]

Then tell her you really will leave and that you hope she has a nice life.

 

My ex did this one time. She said if it was so bad then to leave. I told her that fine, I will in a calm state, and told her I hope she has a good life. Went out a ****ed other chicks for 2 months straight while she called and called begging me to take her back. I finally talked to her and she said she wanted me back an that she was willing to work it out. So we got back together and she giving it to me 2-3 times a week. She never knew about the 2 months of me getting sex.

 

In the end it worked out for me. She never found out and I got sex up the arse.

 

Good on you

 

oh, what an awesome idea. Blackmail your wife. Force an exhausted pregnant woman who also has a full time job and a toddler to either have sex she doesn't want or lose the father of her children. Really constructive, douchebag.

 

 

Ok so why dont you share with us what he should have done. Just sit back and have his wife get "cute" with him while shifting him the the back burner? and when exactly should this guy stand up for himself? when she starts playing kick-ball with his testes?

 

He raised his concerns and she got smart mouthed with him....She said "If you dont like it then leave" (which is pretty rude). So what does Osiris do? exactly as she asked....he leaves and lives the life he wants....and that makes him a douchebag??? (I guess the only time a guy isnt a douche is when he lets a woman walk all over him until she gets tired of him)....See this is why we dont just open our mouths and say whatever comes to mind...you might...just might actually have to be responsible for what you say; and god forbid that should happen. His wife got off lucky because he could have cheated on her and then left.

 

...and look what happened? She got him back and changed... and never pulled that sh*t on him again....so I guess she couldnt have been "that" tired....

 

You say stuff like that and not only are you on your own.....you invite the gloves to come off..... as the old saying goes..... "becareful what you ask for....you might get it".

Edited October 17, 2011 by StoneCold

[Quiet Storm]

To be honest, I doubt that she will change, even when she's not pregnant anymore. Sorry to be pessimistic, but her lack of concern at all for your needs is upsetting.

 

Did you guys miss that he said he didn't consumate his marriage for two months?! That's just crazy.

 

So before kids and housework got in the way, she still didn't want it.

 

I think some women use being tired and overworked as an excuse. Not that they aren't tired and overworked, but if you are truly passionate about your husband and horny, laundry or dinner won't stand in your way. You make time. And I don't know about other women, but seeing my husband vacuuming and doing laundry doesn't inspire desire in me. Yes, it frees up some time, but those things can be pushed back to make time for sex, if needed.

 

The issue, IMO, is that she is just not horny. It doesn't sound like she is horny, but busy. And it could be pregnancy/ miscarriage related, but I doubt that because you said she went two months before consumating the marriage. You should help lessen her load, though. And don't treat sex as a commodity by making trades. Things like that undermine it's specialness.

 

I would wait until a few months after she has the baby, and then you should make it clear to her that you will not tolerate a sexless marriage.

 

Make sure she understands that sex is how you want to express your love for her, that sex bonds you to her, that you love her and need it on a regular basis to be content. Don't point out the physical effects lack of sex has on you, but the emotional...how it makes you feel emotionally distant from her.

 

Many women don't understand that sex is the way many men express their love, and blocking that method of expression on a long term basis can kill their love for you. Many women also don't realize that part of a man's satisfaction is pleasing his woman, so just laying there and allowing him to get his rocks off isn't going to cut it, either.

 

You are a healthy man with testosterone. You are supposed to want sex with your wife, and nothing short of castration will take those urges away, IMO. It would be like telling a starving person to stop feeling hungry.

 

You can satisfy the urges in other ways, like using porn, but I don't think you can suppress this natural drive. There are many antidepressants that have sexual side effects, but even those usually involve the inability to orgasm or get an erection...the desire for sex is usually still there.

[StoneCold]

I think some women use being tired and overworked as an excuse. Not that they aren't tired and overworked, but if you are truly passionate about your husband and horny, laundry or dinner won't stand in your way. You make time. And I don't know about other women, but seeing my husband vacuuming and doing laundry doesn't inspire desire in me. Yes, it frees up some time, but those things can be pushed back to make time for sex, if needed.

 

 

Agreed...

 

I dont buy it either..they are tired and so are the guys...everyone's tired and I dont know a guy that puts in less work than his wife; the split might be different between work and home but a day's work is a day's work. Not to mention, I've never heard of tiredness counting as a bye for anything. Tell your boss your tired and dont feel like working for the next 3 months and we'll see how that goes....guys next time your wife asks you to do anything, just keep telling her your exhausted and not in the mood and we'll see how long that plays out....

 

If its importnat you'll make time or come to some sort of agreement. If none of that is happening and shes telling you in not so many words to piss off then its not about tiredness; she just doesnt care....and once somebody ceases to care.....its not looking good

[frozensprouts]

i wonder what this posters wife would say if she was asked about the situation?

 

there are two sides here, and it's unfortuneate that we don't know hers.

[xxoo]

Well I guess it depends on how you define"pressuring for sex"...because I didnt read it that way

 

bigguy isn't asking for advice on this point, but this is what I interpreted as pressure:

 

. I have talked, asked, begged and yelled about this.

 

If its importnat you'll make time or come to some sort of agreement. If none of that is happening and shes telling you in not so many words to piss off then its not about tiredness; she just doesnt care....and once somebody ceases to care.....its not looking good

 

I generally agree, but wonder if SHE thinks HE doesn't care....or only cares about sex.

 

I suspect there are issues outside of the pregnancy, but now is just the worst time to push this issue. Right after the baby is born is another poor choice. Of course, getting pregnant when the relationship is unsatisfying is also a poor choice.

 

i wonder what this posters wife would say if she was asked about the situation?

 

there are two sides here, and it's unfortuneate that we don't know hers.

 

I wonder the same....

[StoneCold]

but wonder if SHE thinks HE doesn't care....or only cares about sex. ....

 

Oh I'm sure she probably does. But my ultimate point was she likely doesnt care. I wasnt speaking to "why"

 

I suspect there are issues outside of the pregnancy, but now is just the worst time to push this issue. Right after the baby is born is another poor choice. Of course, getting pregnant when the relationship is unsatisfying is also a poor choice.

....

 

 

Well I think that the time for pushing the issue is long gone. He tried this...it didnt work. He should probably think about where he goes from here and how he will go about this