Understanding the "Other Woman"

[PenelopeTheFaithful]

I hope I am not offending anybody with this post. I have reached a point in my journey of understanding that I can't seem to pass, and I'm hoping for some insights from others to help in that.

 

A few years ago my husband and I were living apart, in different countries, for professional reasons. We saw each other intermittently, were in daily contact and loved each other very much. However, during that period, several crises struck my husband and he needed more support than I was able to provide him at a distance. This was a source of frustration for both of us. We were realistic enough to accept that we were both vulnerable to "outside interference" and we placed no demands or expectations on each other of sexual exclusivity during this time.

 

My husband was supervising a woman of his own age who was a tangle of problems. She lacked confidence and cried at the slightest upset and needed very careful handling. He was very gentle with her and tried to boost her confidence with affirmation and positive feedback. She took this as a sign of interest and became very attached to him. She confided in him and blurred the lines between professional and personal, and because he was seeking a distraction from his own issues he readily fell into trying to "fix" things for her, to help her get her life on a more solid footing so that her professional life could be more grounded. She flourished under his guidance and colleagues commented on how well she was doing, thanks to him.

 

After she left my husband's supervision they continued as colleagues for a while. During this time she continued to be close to my husband, taking him out to dinner and buying him gifts. Eventually the predictable happened, and she seduced him. My husband - like myself - has a high libido and was grateful of the sexual outlet to relieve the monotony of cybersex and masturbation. He warned her that he loved me and that he had no intention of leaving me and that a relationship with her was not on the cards; that this was merely sex - much as one would buy at the docks, only without the exchange of banknotes. She accepted that, and made herself completely available to him. Although she was very conservative in her sexual history, she became completely compliant and consented to a range of sexual practices she would otherwise never had agreed to.

 

While he was showering (as he always did immediately after sex with her) she read his messages on his phone. She found out my name, email address and phone number. After that she began harassing me as well as trying to convince him that I was being unfaithful to him abroad, that I was planning on leaving him and that I was only using him. She tried to undermine our relationship both with him and spreading stories to other colleagues. She denied it when confronted but when provided with evidence she changed her tune and claimed that she was doing it to save him from me, since only she could provide him with the selfless love he needed. I threatened her with legal action if she persisted in her stalking of me and she claimed to my husband that I was being heavy-handed in "attacking" her. Needless to say, he ended all contact with her and wanted nothing further to do with her.

 

She went away. For a while. Periodically she attempts to contact my husband, creating new email addresses (as he blocks the known ones) or stalking him at professional conferences. He has told her - quite publicly - that he wants nothing to do with her, creating an awkward scene in one case but every so often she reappears. She now has a senior role in her institution (admittedly a minor institution) thanks to the reputational gains she mustered thanks to my husband, yet she continues to act in this clingy, needy and immature fashion.

 

I consider her to be a nuisance rather than a threat, and my husband feels residual pity for her, knowing her pathetic circumstances. I have not wanted to resort to restraining orders or other such means, given the professional awkwardness that would ensue. I would far rather that she simply grew up and moved on emotionally and behaved more appropriately without all that. After all, it has been several years since anything happened between them, during which time my husband and I have relished our marriage and cemented our relationship even further. The depth of our love is a secret to no one, and neither of us have had any desire to seek augmentation from outside since our reunification. Her cause is futile, and she has had that reaffirmed to her consistently.

 

I am hoping for insight from any "other women" or others so as to understand where she is coming from and why she persists, when it was made abundantly clear to her at the outset, throughout the encounters and subsequently that my husband was not interested in her romantically, that she was merely a convenient sexual outlet for him during our enforced separation, that his commitment was always - and remains - to our relationship and that even if he were "free" she is not the sort of person he would choose to engage with romantically. Does she really hope that one day he might "come to his senses" and decide to leave me for her? Is she simply hoping that he might grant her one last "mercy ****" since she has not had a lover since their encounters? Does she believe that he is merely abiding by my wishes in not contacting her, and that given the chance he'd be with her? What keeps her hope so strong after all this time?

 

How long is this likely to last? What might lead to her behaviour changing? What are the prospects for her realising she is being foolish, and going away quietly (and staying away)? Is she aware of how desperate and foolish she appears to others? How best ought I to handle this? I have been ignoring it largely, leaving my husband to block her mail, refuse her telephone calls and ignore her when she makes her appearances - unless she targets me, in which case I confront her directly and tell her her behaviour is unacceptable and I will report her if she continues (at which point she usually goes away, for a while.) It does concern me that instead of moderating over time, her stunts appear to grow more desperate and she shows no sign of reaching peace and equanimity.

[mzdolphin]

First of all you are making many assumptions, first that your husband is telling you the truth. You are also making many excuses for him, like he needed more support, etc.

 

Who cares if he showers after having sex with her, he still is having sex with her.

 

The OW did not sign that marriage license, you and he did. He needs to be working over time to save your marriage. Just like an OW who will never understand why a married man lies and pursues her (yes, often they lie about marital status and 9 times out of 10 they are doing the pursuing) you may never understand as a wife why he betrayed you. As long as she isn't breaking any laws or harassing you, then what she is thinking is not where your energy needs to be focused.

 

Liars and cheaters lie, to the wife and the OW.

 

My exMM continued to pursue me, expressing feelings of love, after I told his wife he was cheating. I'm sure he told the wife "she means nothing to me" .

 

That's for them to figure out. Your marriage is for you to figure out. Start with not giving him such a pass when it comes to how he breached your marriage contract.

[mzdolphin]

If she is harassing him, make him file the restraining order. My guess is they were still sleeping together after he claims they were not.

 

I find it funny that you try to paint her as a tramp, even a hooker. So your husband thought she was pathetic and yet he kept sleeping with her. Sounds like you're married to a real gem.

 

I know my words are harsh, but far less than the venom you spewed at this woman.

 

If all this is true, then the woman has psychological issues and should be arrested. I suspect this is not the case. Again, he created this mess, he should deal with it. How can he show pity for someone stalking his wife.

 

Google the actor Terrance Howard and affair and hear the threat he made to OW who was harassing his wife. I don't advocate threats of physical harm, but that is how a husband behaves with OW if he indeed feels like she is a threat to his wife and family. It was on TMZ, etc. It was obvious he had cheated, but he was putting an end to the OW's antics.

[TigerCub]

"made herself completely available to him. Although she was very conservative in her sexual history, she became completely compliant and consented to a range of sexual practices she would otherwise never had agreed to. "

 

haha, so your husband gave you details of him ****ing her up the ass? :laugh:

 

so glad he showered right after

 

Wow, this sounds like a bull**** post, and yeah just like the previous poster replied, you don't know what your husband said to her, he most likely told her how being with you is hell, and that's part of the reason he took a job so far away, and that you guys haven't had sex in soooooo long and that he's never felt with you like he feels with her, and yada yada.

 

If this story is in fact true, then I would guess that woman has really bad self esteem, add to that all the lies and promises he made her (that you refuse to believe are a possibility) and there you have it, she's still hanging on because she thinks there is hope and he's probably telling her that he's just "giving the M a try because he really needs to do that, but being with the wife (you) is hell" so she holds on.

 

Who knows?

To figure all that out, ask your husband for the real truth and that would be a great starting point.

 

Good luck

 

p.s. I love how the blame is on her - she "seduced" him, and he needed a distraction from all the stress he was going thru and he needed the sexual release because of his high libido - hehe, wow, you're awesome!!

Edited October 14, 2011 by TigerCub

[Lostinlife4now]

WOW!!!!! Penelope aren't you the super duper wife.......Why the hell would you want your Husband sleeping with another woman?

 

and then you blame her? something doesn't seem right here.....

 

Get on a plane and go take care of your H......

[skywriter]

I hope I am not offending anybody with this post. I have reached a point in my journey of understanding that I can't seem to pass, and I'm hoping for some insights from others to help in that.

 

A few years ago my husband and I were living apart, in different countries, for professional reasons. We saw each other intermittently, were in daily contact and loved each other very much. However, during that period, several crises struck my husband and he needed more support than I was able to provide him at a distance. This was a source of frustration for both of us. We were realistic enough to accept that we were both vulnerable to "outside interference" and we placed no demands or expectations on each other of sexual exclusivity during this time.

 

My husband was supervising a woman of his own age who was a tangle of problems. She lacked confidence and cried at the slightest upset and needed very careful handling. He was very gentle with her and tried to boost her confidence with affirmation and positive feedback. She took this as a sign of interest and became very attached to him. She confided in him and blurred the lines between professional and personal, and because he was seeking a distraction from his own issues he readily fell into trying to "fix" things for her, to help her get her life on a more solid footing so that her professional life could be more grounded. She flourished under his guidance and colleagues commented on how well she was doing, thanks to him.

 

After she left my husband's supervision they continued as colleagues for a while. During this time she continued to be close to my husband, taking him out to dinner and buying him gifts. Eventually the predictable happened, and she seduced him. My husband - like myself - has a high libido and was grateful of the sexual outlet to relieve the monotony of cybersex and masturbation. He warned her that he loved me and that he had no intention of leaving me and that a relationship with her was not on the cards; that this was merely sex - much as one would buy at the docks, only without the exchange of banknotes. She accepted that, and made herself completely available to him. Although she was very conservative in her sexual history, she became completely compliant and consented to a range of sexual practices she would otherwise never had agreed to.

 

While he was showering (as he always did immediately after sex with her) she read his messages on his phone. She found out my name, email address and phone number. After that she began harassing me as well as trying to convince him that I was being unfaithful to him abroad, that I was planning on leaving him and that I was only using him. She tried to undermine our relationship both with him and spreading stories to other colleagues. She denied it when confronted but when provided with evidence she changed her tune and claimed that she was doing it to save him from me, since only she could provide him with the selfless love he needed. I threatened her with legal action if she persisted in her stalking of me and she claimed to my husband that I was being heavy-handed in "attacking" her. Needless to say, he ended all contact with her and wanted nothing further to do with her.

 

She went away. For a while. Periodically she attempts to contact my husband, creating new email addresses (as he blocks the known ones) or stalking him at professional conferences. He has told her - quite publicly - that he wants nothing to do with her, creating an awkward scene in one case but every so often she reappears. She now has a senior role in her institution (admittedly a minor institution) thanks to the reputational gains she mustered thanks to my husband, yet she continues to act in this clingy, needy and immature fashion.

 

I consider her to be a nuisance rather than a threat, and my husband feels residual pity for her, knowing her pathetic circumstances. I have not wanted to resort to restraining orders or other such means, given the professional awkwardness that would ensue. I would far rather that she simply grew up and moved on emotionally and behaved more appropriately without all that. After all, it has been several years since anything happened between them, during which time my husband and I have relished our marriage and cemented our relationship even further. The depth of our love is a secret to no one, and neither of us have had any desire to seek augmentation from outside since our reunification. Her cause is futile, and she has had that reaffirmed to her consistently.

 

I am hoping for insight from any "other women" or others so as to understand where she is coming from and why she persists, when it was made abundantly clear to her at the outset, throughout the encounters and subsequently that my husband was not interested in her romantically, that she was merely a convenient sexual outlet for him during our enforced separation, that his commitment was always - and remains - to our relationship and that even if he were "free" she is not the sort of person he would choose to engage with romantically. Does she really hope that one day he might "come to his senses" and decide to leave me for her? Is she simply hoping that he might grant her one last "mercy ****" since she has not had a lover since their encounters? Does she believe that he is merely abiding by my wishes in not contacting her, and that given the chance he'd be with her? What keeps her hope so strong after all this time?

 

How long is this likely to last? What might lead to her behaviour changing? What are the prospects for her realising she is being foolish, and going away quietly (and staying away)? Is she aware of how desperate and foolish she appears to others? How best ought I to handle this? I have been ignoring it largely, leaving my husband to block her mail, refuse her telephone calls and ignore her when she makes her appearances - unless she targets me, in which case I confront her directly and tell her her behaviour is unacceptable and I will report her if she continues (at which point she usually goes away, for a while.) It does concern me that instead of moderating over time, her stunts appear to grow more desperate and she shows no sign of reaching peace and equanimity.

 

 

 

Penelope,

 

I am so sorry for what you've had to go through, in discovering the betrayal.

 

I can only go by your story ,as to the character of this other woman, and I truly hope she realises how much better off she is ,without a supervisor or lover such as the one she was involved with.

 

Keep in mind, there is your husbands story, the other womans story, and then there is the truth.

[Snowflower]

It is interesting to me that while some OW will post about detailed aspects of their MM sex life with their wives, it is taken as the gospel truth. And it is all from the mouth of the MM...wife won't do doggie, wife won't give bj's, wife likes plain vanilla sex. Details like these are believed verbatim many times.

 

When the shoe is on the other foot and the BW (like the OP) believes the stories about the amazing sex life her WH had with the OW, all the sudden the WH/MM is a lying pig?

 

It also seems rude to infer that the OP is a troll. Here is a perfect BW...she accepts that her H had an affair, and doesn't seem all that upset about it. That's her choice. She acknowledges that her H had some amazing sex with the OW--which is exactly what the A sex is often touted about here on the OW forum.

[18Years2Late]

WOW?!?!? Former OW here...

 

Everyone already said what I wanted to say so I'll jeep this short...

 

Your post is full of one excuse after another...excuses for your H in a futile attempt to help you "understand" what and why he did what he did...it's not that you can't "get pass" understanding the OW...you can't accept what happened and why your H did what he did...you will NEVER get that from him...or her...they are both lying to you...you will never get the 100% truth...you have to get to a point of "acceptance" and either move forward with your H or without your H...your choice...you can't change the past but you have full control over your future...

 

I'm sorry for your pain...good luck...

[MissBee]

 

I am hoping for insight from any "other women" or others so as to understand where she is coming from and why she persists, when it was made abundantly clear to her at the outset, throughout the encounters and subsequently that my husband was not interested in her romantically, that she was merely a convenient sexual outlet for him during our enforced separation, that his commitment was always - and remains - to our relationship and that even if he were "free" she is not the sort of person he would choose to engage with romantically. Does she really hope that one day he might "come to his senses" and decide to leave me for her? Is she simply hoping that he might grant her one last "mercy ****" since she has not had a lover since their encounters? Does she believe that he is merely abiding by my wishes in not contacting her, and that given the chance he'd be with her? What keeps her hope so strong after all this time?

 

How long is this likely to last? What might lead to her behaviour changing? What are the prospects for her realising she is being foolish, and going away quietly (and staying away)? Is she aware of how desperate and foolish she appears to others? How best ought I to handle this? I have been ignoring it largely, leaving my husband to block her mail, refuse her telephone calls and ignore her when she makes her appearances - unless she targets me, in which case I confront her directly and tell her her behaviour is unacceptable and I will report her if she continues (at which point she usually goes away, for a while.) It does concern me that instead of moderating over time, her stunts appear to grow more desperate and she shows no sign of reaching peace and equanimity .

 

I am going to be honest and say that your husband made a foolish mistake by sleeping with a woman, who from the outset needed "careful handling", "lacked confidence and cried at the slightest". That is a recipe for disaster! It was obvious to me that such a person would more likely become clingy, more likely see your husband's kindness as love, be needy and desire more from him because of his attention...coupled with him now sleeping with her and the oxytocin flooding her brain after....ofcourse she would become more attached to him and ofcourse things would get blurred. You mentioned she pretty much went against her values to please him sexually, that also adds to the horror, as when a woman does this, it's usually because she's believing the man is worth it or that by doing so he will see her love and loyalty and it is a very haaaard thing to go against your values for a man and not get anything "in return", so I can imagine how that makes her even more bent on getting a return on her "investment".

 

If one wants a casual relationship, no strings attached, sex only, you have to play that very wisely. Don't sleep with people who are emotionally unstable, who like you romantically and things of that nature that increase the likelihood of complication...he did not follow that rule and slept with someone who was all of the above and thus it guaranteed drama.

 

You should take legal action if she will not stop. Stop threatening her and just take the legal action....afterall, the threats only work periodically. A can of worms was opened and there is no quick solution. She probably, based on her own issues, does have delusions or wishes that he will eventually be with her and seems to be thriving on obsessive love...which is dangerous and knows no bounds. I wouldn't hesitate to take legal action and continue to do what I can to protect my life from her.

Edited October 14, 2011 by MissBee

[PenelopeTheFaithful]

First of all you are making many assumptions, first that your husband is telling you the truth. You are also making many excuses for him, like he needed more support, etc.

 

Who cares if he showers after having sex with her, he still is having sex with her.

 

He is not still having sex with her. He had sex with her during the period we were apart. He has not had sex with her since.

 

The OW did not sign that marriage license, you and he did. He needs to be working over time to save your marriage. Just like an OW who will never understand why a married man lies and pursues her (yes, often they lie about marital status and 9 times out of 10 they are doing the pursuing) you may never understand as a wife why he betrayed you. As long as she isn't breaking any laws or harassing you, then what she is thinking is not where your energy needs to be focused.

 

Liars and cheaters lie, to the wife and the OW.

 

My exMM continued to pursue me, expressing feelings of love, after I told his wife he was cheating. I'm sure he told the wife "she means nothing to me" .

 

That's for them to figure out. Your marriage is for you to figure out. Start with not giving him such a pass when it comes to how he breached your marriage contract.

 

There was no betrayal. As I stated in my opening post, "we placed no demands or expectations on each other of sexual exclusivity during this time". I have no need to "figure out" my marriage. My marriage is not under threat.

 

If she is harassing him, make him file the restraining order. My guess is they were still sleeping together after he claims they were not.

 

I find it funny that you try to paint her as a tramp, even a hooker. So your husband thought she was pathetic and yet he kept sleeping with her. Sounds like you're married to a real gem.

 

I have not tried to paint her as a tramp, nor a hooker. She asked for no material compensation. Indeed, she was the one showering my husband with gifts. She was, and remains, a woman with problems. I won't go into those details here lest they be identifying, but I had known that about her even before she became sexually involved with my husband.

 

I know my words are harsh, but far less than the venom you spewed at this woman.

 

If all this is true, then the woman has psychological issues and should be arrested. I suspect this is not the case. Again, he created this mess, he should deal with it. How can he show pity for someone stalking his wife.

 

Google the actor Terrance Howard and affair and hear the threat he made to OW who was harassing his wife. I don't advocate threats of physical harm, but that is how a husband behaves with OW if he indeed feels like she is a threat to his wife and family. It was on TMZ, etc. It was obvious he had cheated, but he was putting an end to the OW's antics.

 

My husband respects my discretion in dealing with her, as I respect his. I have not felt the need to intervene when she mails him or phones him, and he is similarly respectful of my wishes to deal with her interactions with me in my own way. Were I to request his intervention, I can be quite certain or receiving whatever assistance I require in whatever way. I am certainly not about to resort to violence or threats of such.

 

Thank you for your reply, and your suggestions, nonetheless.

 

"made herself completely available to him. Although she was very conservative in her sexual history, she became completely compliant and consented to a range of sexual practices she would otherwise never had agreed to. "

 

haha, so your husband gave you details of him ****ing her up the ass? :laugh:

 

so glad he showered right after

 

Wow, this sounds like a bull**** post, and yeah just like the previous poster replied, you don't know what your husband said to her, he most likely told her how being with you is hell, and that's part of the reason he took a job so far away, and that you guys haven't had sex in soooooo long and that he's never felt with you like he feels with her, and yada yada.

 

He did not take a job "so far away". I did. It was unfortunate timing as several things happened while I was away, leaving my husband especially vulnerable.

 

I was not witness to what was said to her, true, but I have seen their correspondence and have seen that the message was consistent from the outset. He did not lead her on. This is clear from her responses to him, too. She remained hopeful that he would change his mind, but she did not claim that he had represented anything other than a purely sexual exchange. In addition, she had access to his phone on occasions and saw his messages to me, and mine to him. She knew our plans and our situation.

 

If this story is in fact true, then I would guess that woman has really bad self esteem, add to that all the lies and promises he made her (that you refuse to believe are a possibility) and there you have it, she's still hanging on because she thinks there is hope and he's probably telling her that he's just "giving the M a try because he really needs to do that, but being with the wife (you) is hell" so she holds on.

 

Who knows?

To figure all that out, ask your husband for the real truth and that would be a great starting point.

 

Good luck

 

p.s. I love how the blame is on her - she "seduced" him, and he needed a distraction from all the stress he was going thru and he needed the sexual release because of his high libido - hehe, wow, you're awesome!!

 

We both have high libidos. We were realistic enough about that when we discussed being apart to know that we would both be vulnerable to outside interference. We accepted that, and there was no expectation of sexual exclusivity during that time. Even if it were him who seduced her it would make no material difference to me. The issue for me is not that sex took place, nor who instigated it. The issue for me is how to handle her continued hope several years on, despite consistent messages from him and from me.

 

WOW!!!!! Penelope aren't you the super duper wife.......Why the hell would you want your Husband sleeping with another woman?

 

and then you blame her? something doesn't seem right here.....

 

Get on a plane and go take care of your H......

 

I have no need of a plane. We have been physically together for years. This took place several years ago. We have not been apart since.

 

I did not blame her for sleeping with him. Just as I not blame him for sleeping with her. I do however resent her continued interference in our lives years after the event, despite being told consistently by both of us that she should desist.

 

Thank you for your response.

 

Penelope,

 

I am so sorry for what you've had to go through, in discovering the betrayal.

 

I can only go by your story ,as to the character of this other woman, and I truly hope she realises how much better off she is ,without a supervisor or lover such as the one she was involved with.

 

Keep in mind, there is your husbands story, the other womans story, and then there is the truth.

 

Thank you. My husband did behave ethically as nothing untoward happened while he supervised her. The encounters happened later, when she was employed in a separate institution but still working on shared projects. However as a lover I would agree with you that he showed her little respect, making requests that she complied with but would not have chosen. I suspected that this was underlain with latent aggression towards her. I have suggested this to him and he has not denied that, though it is difficult to know whether that is a post hoc reading influenced by her subsequent behaviour. I have asked him whether this aggression may have resulted from resentment or anger towards me, for having "abandoned" him to pursue my own career at a time when he landed up needing my support. He denies that this is the case but I suspect that there may be some truth to that.

[mzdolphin]

It is interesting to me that while some OW will post about detailed aspects of their MM sex life with their wives, it is taken as the gospel truth. And it is all from the mouth of the MM...wife won't do doggie, wife won't give bj's, wife likes plain vanilla sex. Details like these are believed verbatim many times.

 

When the shoe is on the other foot and the BW (like the OP) believes the stories about the amazing sex life her WH had with the OW, all the sudden the WH/MM is a lying pig?

 

It also seems rude to infer that the OP is a troll. Here is a perfect BW...she accepts that her H had an affair, and doesn't seem all that upset about it. That's her choice. She acknowledges that her H had some amazing sex with the OW--which is exactly what the A sex is often touted about here on the OW forum.

 

 

I can't speak for others, but after I discovered MM was married, I didn't believe everything he said about his sex life with wife. He later admitted his marriage wasn't that bad and that they had sex, which I figured was the case.

 

I don't see a lot of OW who believe everything the MM says. I've often said to OW and BS, how can you believe anything coming from someone who has proven they can look you in the eye and lie, repeatedly. When exMM says he can't stop thinking about me, or that he thinks about me when he's intimate with his wife, I would tell him straight up, you could be telling the truth, but I don't believe anything that comes out of your mouth. He would chuckle, but I was dead serious.

[mzdolphin]

OP starts with "I hope I'm not offending

 

I've stated here before that when people use that as a disclaimer they have every intent to offend.

[TigerCub]

Ok Penelope,

 

So pretty much, you husband didn't really cheat on you - he had permission.

You don't care if he seduced her or she seduced him.

 

All you care about is that you "resent" her continued involvement in your life. ie. wont get the hint and leave you guys alone now that you are living in the same city/house, again.

 

You were asking about the mindset of the OW - well honestly, I don't think this woman represents most OW.

This woman wont take the clear message to leave you 2 alone, and if your husband isn't giving her mixed messages behind your back (and you're pretty sure he's not) - then its just the luck of the draw.

Your H picked an emotionally unstable woman and now she's clinging to him no matter what he says - guess he should have picked better, but whatever its done.

 

You can get rid of her if you can keep track of all her emails and phone calls and whatever else, and file a restraining order against her.

Has this ever occurred to you as an option?

 

How long has all this been going on (when did their intimate involvement end and when did you return)?

[TigerCub]

It is interesting to me that while some OW will post about detailed aspects of their MM sex life with their wives, it is taken as the gospel truth. And it is all from the mouth of the MM...wife won't do doggie, wife won't give bj's, wife likes plain vanilla sex. Details like these are believed verbatim many times.

 

I'm not sure what OW you're referring to, but at least on this forum I don't think I've seen claims such as "oh wife wont do doggy, but MM loves it that I do", "wife doesn't give bj's, and that's why he's cheating on her with me", etc...

 

And even if there was a delusional OW that believed every single word that came out of her MM's mouth, there would be 10x that many that would tell her to think again.

[Quiet Storm]

I would hire an attorney to send her a letter that any further contact will result in legal action against her.

 

If she shows up or calls, I would have your husband tell her, in a harsh way, that she needs to NEVER contact him again, that their relationship is 100% over, that he does not love her and will never change his mind. And that he is calling a lawyer.

 

If he can do this publically, with people around (but not you), it may have more effect because she will feel humiliated. If you are there, the delusion of "he is only saying this because his wife is here" will take over and it won't work.

 

If he is telling her to leave him alone, but in a nice way, she will not get the message. I suspect that he feels she may be mentally unstable, and he may speak kindly to her so he doesn't set her off. He will have to realize that this approach will not work.

 

He will have to be consistent. He can't be mean to her one day, but nice about it the next day. He will have to be consistently cold, uncaring and short with her. He can not give her ANY crumbs of hope, because what he thinks is just being nice, she will take as a sign that he still cares.

 

OW still has hope. Your husband made a big mistake by getting into this with her, because he knew upfront that she was vulnerable. Even though he was clear about it being only physical, he did things to help her. He wanted to fix things for her. She saw him as her rescuer and took his acts of kindness as love, regardless of what he was telling her. He needs to own his mistake. Even though you were in an open marriage, picking her as a FWB was a bad choice.

 

In addition, repeated sex with the same guy will often bond a woman to a man, because of the oxytocin that is released during sex. She still feels bonded to him, and those feelings are so strong that she can't fathom that they weren't reciprocated. Those bonding feelings make her feel that he is her soulmate and that no one else can compare. She likely sees him as "the one", the love of her life, and has become seriously attached. Even though he saw her as a fling, he was her everything.

 

Most MM, while enjoying the sex and romance with OW, know that it will have an expiration date, so they have the attitude of "I'll enjoy it while it lasts". However, the feelings, the romance, the way they enjoyed each other...OW can't comprehend that he doesn't want that anymore. She doesn't want that time in her life to be negated, so she is looking for validation that she means something to him.

 

I think it is very hard for some OW to understand that while the romantic feelings and passion were very strong and real at that point in time, that for MM, those feelings were not sustainable. It shouldn't negate what they had, from her point of view.

 

Even if MM feels that their affair was a relatively unimportant phase in his life, OW can still enjoy her memories, acknowledge his importance in her life, and move on. This OW is looking for proof of her importance, for validation that she meant something and is holding onto hope that he'll realize what a mistake he made by letting her go. The popping up from time to time is her way of saying "Don't forget about me! I'm still here, MM, willing to do anything for you!"

 

MM needs to tell her harshly to leave him alone. Any further contact should be blocked or ignored, with proof of that contact documented, and forwarded to a lawyer by MM. She needs to see that MM is serious, that he really wants you and not her, and that there is no hope.

[mzdolphin]

Most MM, while enjoying the sex and romance with OW, know that it will have an expiration date, so they have the attitude of "I'll enjoy it while it lasts". However, the feelings, the romance, the way they enjoyed each other...OW can't comprehend that he doesn't want that anymore. She doesn't want that time in her life to be negated, so she is looking for validation that she means something to him.

------------------

 

And in those cases MM usually treats OW like crap and moves on. What bad about this situation is this guy preyed upon someone he knew was vulnerable. If what the wife is saying is a fact, then he is a real creep. Most sane men would run from something like that.

[scatterd]

I am sorry this woman continues to bother you and your husband.Someone mentioned a restraining order. I think thats a pretty good idea she has not listened or respected that you both dont want to here from her.I find you to be real understanding of your husband much more then I would be.Good Luck

[Snowflower]

I'm not sure what OW you're referring to, but at least on this forum I don't think I've seen claims such as "oh wife wont do doggy, but MM loves it that I do", "wife doesn't give bj's, and that's why he's cheating on her with me", etc...

 

And even if there was a delusional OW that believed every single word that came out of her MM's mouth, there would be 10x that many that would tell her to think again.

 

My first post was in response to some of the OW posters here who appeared to me to be having a "go" at the OP for believing her H's story.

 

The OP has since come back and filled in some additional information for us.

 

However, if the OP believes her husband's version of events that he showered after having whatever type of sex he had with the OW, for example, then how is the OP any different than the OW who come here believing and posting every supposed fact about their MM's sex life with his wife?

 

This all appears to be a slight threadjack, however, because the OP is focusing not on the sex but on how to get the OW out of their lives now.

[skywriter]

There was no betrayal. As I stated in my opening post, "we placed no demands or expectations on each other of sexual exclusivity during this time". I have no need to "figure out" my marriage. My marriage is not under threat.

 

 

OK, I see, I should've paid better attention to what you wrote.

 

 

As Tigercub, responded, your H's, OW doesn't necessarily represent most OW. This woman you describe represents, a fatal attraction kind of OW.

 

Since you have said it happened several years ago and she is still trying, Quiet Storm , and Miss Bee, may have offered the best advice.

[So_Overit]

OP,

suggest that you spend some more time reading the prior posts in the forum. I've been here reading for a long long time and it is very informative. Might answer some of your questions.

[TigerCub]

My first post was in response to some of the OW posters here who appeared to me to be having a "go" at the OP for believing her H's story.

 

The OP has since come back and filled in some additional information for us.

 

However, if the OP believes her husband's version of events that he showered after having whatever type of sex he had with the OW, for example, then how is the OP any different than the OW who come here believing and posting every supposed fact about their MM's sex life with his wife?

 

This all appears to be a slight threadjack, however, because the OP is focusing not on the sex but on how to get the OW out of their lives now.

 

In response to the part in bold, it is no different, I was just saying that I don't usually see OW that believe everything their MMs say either.

 

Anywhos..you're right, this is a slight threadjack.

Thank you for responding to me though.

 

[Summer Breeze]

Well OP I choose to believe your post is true. I have some doubts but I'm choosing to believe it.

 

You are as responsible for this situation as your H. You opened up your M. He slept with someone else and it turned bad. He had your support to meet his physical needs elsewhere. I think you're going pretty well OTT with your descriptions of the other party but I wasn't there and I don't know. Oh true you weren't either.

 

So you're in a mess the two of you created. I don't quite know what a restraining order is going to do if there isn't any direct threat. 'Judge she keeps sending me emails under new names'. Ok that's scary.

 

My take is your H had an A and you're making up this cock and bull story and making it look like you had complete control over everything all along. You didn't and now he's created a mess and you don't have a clue what to do. But that's my take on the story and I'm positive I'm wrong.

 

Hope you get things sorted out and if I were you I'd make sure and not do the open M thing again.

[chalkfarm]

OP's question is sugar-coated offensive.

[ladydesigner]

 

I am hoping for insight from any "other women" or others so as to understand where she is coming from and why she persists, when it was made abundantly clear to her at the outset, throughout the encounters and subsequently that my husband was not interested in her romantically, that she was merely a convenient sexual outlet for him during our enforced separation, that his commitment was always - and remains - to our relationship and that even if he were "free" she is not the sort of person he would choose to engage with romantically. Does she really hope that one day he might "come to his senses" and decide to leave me for her? Is she simply hoping that he might grant her one last "mercy ****" since she has not had a lover since their encounters? Does she believe that he is merely abiding by my wishes in not contacting her, and that given the chance he'd be with her? What keeps her hope so strong after all this time?

 

How long is this likely to last? What might lead to her behaviour changing? What are the prospects for her realising she is being foolish, and going away quietly (and staying away)? Is she aware of how desperate and foolish she appears to others? How best ought I to handle this? I have been ignoring it largely, leaving my husband to block her mail, refuse her telephone calls and ignore her when she makes her appearances - unless she targets me, in which case I confront her directly and tell her her behaviour is unacceptable and I will report her if she continues (at which point she usually goes away, for a while.) It does concern me that instead of moderating over time, her stunts appear to grow more desperate and she shows no sign of reaching peace and equanimity.

 

I'll try to bite. I will bet your husband said things to her to make her think he had interest in her besides the sex. I don't think any woman would hang onto to hope otherwise. I do not believe your husband is giving YOU the full truth either. I seriously doubt your husband told her it was only going to be sex. This woman sounds extremely emotionally invested and I believe this happens either because the man is also emotionally invested or is telling her things to make her think he is emotionally invested.

 

i agree that it is unacceptable behavior from her that she keeps making continued contacts after being shut down every time. I also agree that the open marriage situation did not have it's intended effect or outcome. You live and you learn. A restraining order would suffice if the harassment continues, I guarantee that would get her to stop contacting you and your husband.

[fooled once]

It is interesting to me that while some OW will post about detailed aspects of their MM sex life with their wives, it is taken as the gospel truth. And it is all from the mouth of the MM...wife won't do doggie, wife won't give bj's, wife likes plain vanilla sex. Details like these are believed verbatim many times.

 

When the shoe is on the other foot and the BW (like the OP) believes the stories about the amazing sex life her WH had with the OW, all the sudden the WH/MM is a lying pig?

 

It also seems rude to infer that the OP is a troll. Here is a perfect BW...she accepts that her H had an affair, and doesn't seem all that upset about it. That's her choice. She acknowledges that her H had some amazing sex with the OW--which is exactly what the A sex is often touted about here on the OW forum.

 

I agree

 

 

I don't see a lot of OW who believe everything the MM says.

 

Read some more then. There are tons who believe every single word.

 

OP's question is sugar-coated offensive.

 

Why do you find it offensive? I don't. She is sharing HER journey. Seems like several people are projecting their situations/affairs. How many times do we read here how the OW found emails to the wife that showed he was 'right' when he said the wife is a big old meanie. Yet we have a wife here who 'knew' her H had an affair. Heck, we have a former BS here who has had dealings with an unbalanced OW yet no one takes swipes at her for lying or being "offensive". If you can't offer any words of wisdom or advise, just click and move on.

 

OP, sounds like the OW is a few screws short. Sounds like she won't let go. Sounds like she was way more invested than your H needed or wanted and can't seem to let go. As you know, there have been numerous news casts talking about how some people go off the deep end, such as the lady who was screwing a MM and drove 20 plus hours wearing a diaper to get to the wife without needed bathroom breaks to take out the wife. I would recommend filing a restraining order.