Understanding the "Other Woman"

[Gentlegirl]

Firstly, the OW might be any woman you see on the street. It seems to me that this particular lady was lacking confidence and love. She thought she had found something with your husband and still holds that fantasy in her head.

 

Secondly, you can never know for sure, what he told her or did with her. He might have promised her the moon and the stars for all you know. You can't rely on information from her either.

 

In my mind, I am wondering why a woman would accept this kind of behaviour. As somebody said, why didn't you take the time to be with him and give him the support he needed, instead of giving him carte blanche to go and find a surrogate wife for the duration? Forget all the crap about strong libidos. You are excusing him and condoning what he did, even if you had an understanding.

 

I would also like to know why you and your husband have tolerated the OW's interference in your lives for such a long period of time. It's a simple matter to take legal steps to have her restrained.

 

My really big question is do you think you have a marriage at all. What do you think marriage is? Forsake all others unless I have a job that I really want and I won't be with you for a while? Then, it's alright for you **** somebody else.

 

It all makes my head spin. You need to take steps to prevent her intruding on your lives anymore. If you don't like it, fix it!

 

Gentlegirl.

 

p.s. Can you be sure your husband isn't still in a relationship of some kind with her?? Just asking.

[chalkfarm]

 

Why do you find it offensive? I don't. She is sharing HER journey. Seems like several people are projecting their situations/affairs. How many times do we read here how the OW found emails to the wife that showed he was 'right' when he said the wife is a big old meanie. Yet we have a wife here who 'knew' her H had an affair. Heck, we have a former BS here who has had dealings with an unbalanced OW yet no one takes swipes at her for lying or being "offensive". If you can't offer any words of wisdom or advise, just click and move on.

 

 

 

OP is asking - "How long is this likely to last? What might lead to her behaviour changing? What are the prospects for her realising she is being foolish, and going away quietly (and staying away)? Is she aware of how desperate and foolish she appears to others? How best ought I to handle this?" as though all the OW on this forum act in the manner that she is describing. I find this veiled accusation offensive. Period.

 

Absolutely NO ONE can have answers for her questions.

 

As for wisdom and advice? Post on the Breaks/Breaking Up forum.

 

And fear not, I am clicking and moving on.

[SidLyon]

Just a small comment about the possibility that the OW is now in a different country to the OP and her H. If so, the suggestions about legal action, lawyers, Judges and ROs probably won't work because of jurisdictional issues, unless there are "crimes" taking place under international laws or they are military personnel operating under the laws of the "home" country.

 

If they are all in the same country/state now, then ignore what I've said and go the legal/RO option as other posters have suggested.

 

OP you seem an unusual BW but if I understand you correctly you and your H (for whatever reason) agreed to an open marriage while you were apart. You have now been back together for some years but the 3rd person in your open marriage is still harassing your H. You are not seeking advice on recovering your marriage or getting revenge on the OW and you fully believe that the relationship between your H and the OW is over and has been over for several years. Have I go this right?

 

As I said if it's possible, then take the legal route. It does seem to me your H (and you, if you were part of it) made a very poor choice on the person to introduce into your temporarily(?) open marriage because you either chose a bunny-boiler type or she was misled somehow about her role in an open marriage. But I suspect you've worked this out for yourself anyway.

 

I don't know much about open marriages but from what I've heard it requires total honesty on the part of all 3 (or more people). The 3rd party must be informed of the fact that the marriage is open, there is no divorce on the horizon and that there will be no secrets from the wife. Did she in fact know this and that your H would be sharing every intimate detail with you? If not then you/he are at fault for misleading this poor woman into believing her intimate activities with your H would not be shared with you, his wife.

 

If she was in fact a knowing and informed participant in an open marriage then quite possibly her views of what it was changed over time. I hope for your sake your H didn't encourage her to think this may have occurred.

 

Whichever it is, she likely feels really used and humiliated now not only by your H but by you, and can't let go of this to the extent that years(?) later she is still trying for closure on an unhappy episode in her life.

[mzdolphin]

I agree

 

 

 

Read some more then. There are tons who believe every single word.

 

 

 

Why do you find it offensive? I don't. She is sharing HER journey. Seems like several people are projecting their situations/affairs. How many times do we read here how the OW found emails to the wife that showed he was 'right' when he said the wife is a big old meanie. Yet we have a wife here who 'knew' her H had an affair. Heck, we have a former BS here who has had dealings with an unbalanced OW yet no one takes swipes at her for lying or being "offensive". If you can't offer any words of wisdom or advise, just click and move on.

 

OP, sounds like the OW is a few screws short. Sounds like she won't let go. Sounds like she was way more invested than your H needed or wanted and can't seem to let go. As you know, there have been numerous news casts talking about how some people go off the deep end, such as the lady who was screwing a MM and drove 20 plus hours wearing a diaper to get to the wife without needed bathroom breaks to take out the wife. I would recommend filing a restraining order.

 

And in that case that man was having an affair with a married woman and she left her husband and marriage of nearly 20 years for him and then she discovered he was seeing another woman. He was lying to both women. That woman had wrecked her marriage over that fool so then she flipped.

[mzdolphin]

Just a follow up on the flipped out astronaut

----------------------

Immediately following William Oefelein's divorce, he and Nowak became involved with each other. Their affair lasted two years, with Oefelein beginning to break it off gradually near the end of 2006. It was during this time that Oefelein started a relationship with Colleen Shipman, who was working as an engineer with the 45th Space Wing at Patrick Air Force Base, Florida.[17][18][19]

-----------------------------------------

 

As a journalist I like to deal in facts. In a situation where you start dating a married woman, for two years, and then as she's ending her marriage to be with you she finds out you are seeing someone, that is more than someone just flipping out. Usually the person flipping out already has emotional issues that are magnified when they discover they have been betrayed.

 

Restraining order is easy. Violate restraining order, have them arrested. Simple. But be prepared she might produce evidence that he's contacting her. Either way a restraining order will get you closer to the truth.

[SoMovinOn]

Sounds like this woman has some serious issues. I would say you could not likely predict what she might do or not do. Expect anything.

 

As for you H, if she is not the type of person he would be involved with if he were single, why would he have gotten involved with her when he did? There's something wrong with that picture.

[spice4life]

First of all, shame on YOU and your husband for taking advantage of a vulnerable woman. I am going to give the same advice all of the OW's are offered by others on this forum - take responsibility for YOUR actions as a couple and quit placing the blame on some where else. You opened the can of worms in a very irresponsible way and now it's coming back to bite you.

 

If you read through this forum you will see for yourself that the situation you are in is not the norm in most cases.

[yeszombie]

I am the OW. I also met the man I am seeing at work. I can't believe the way you are talking so blatantly about the things he has been doing with her, every little last detail - the shower bit was what bothered me most. For your sake.

 

These two have feelings for each other. Anything he told you has been a lie, I know that to be true as I sit there with the man I am seeing while he texts his girlfriend telling her how he is working late, saying that his bus hasn't arrived on time etc.. all so he can spend five more minutes with me. Also, I have to say that in my instance - the man was the one doing ALL of the chasing. I just fell for it in the end. How do you know that she wasn't the same?

 

I can't believe you are still with him. How do you know he's blocking all her contact? The girlfriend of the man I am seeing thinks he is blocking all of my contact too because she has suspicions about us but let me tell you this, he texts me ALL day EVERY day. He finds a way. But he tells her we don't speak at all.

 

The OW probably follows him around still because your husband has told her how much he loves her, wants to be with her but is afraid of leaving you etc. All the same lines I'm getting. She won't leave him alone until he leaves her alone. That's the truth.

[fellhard4u]

 

The OW probably follows him around still because your husband has told her how much he loves her, wants to be with her but is afraid of leaving you etc. All the same lines I'm getting. She won't leave him alone until he leaves her alone. That's the truth.

 

If the OP reads here some more she will hopefully start realizing that the MM/MW, most of whom are essentially cowards, will lie to ALL parties involved - BW/BH, OW/OM etc.

 

The OP's original post is indeed full of justifications and excuses for her H's actions. Even if she condoned the A, what kind of person does that make her H when he exploited a situation while being aware of exOW's vulnerability?

[alexandria35]

I actually agree with most of the posters here. I think this MM led the OW to believe he had feelings for her and maybe at one point made her think there was a future for their relationship. I also agree that if the OW is or was as emotionally unstable as it seem both the OP and her husband paint her as then why would the husband choose someone like that for a NSA relationship. If all he needed was to get his rocks off, he should have chosen someone who was just looking for the same thing. This OW fell in love with him and he knew it and still decided to have sex with her. And I'd bet anything there was way more going on than just sex. I really doubt that he just stopped by her place once or twice a week for fifteen minutes to get his jollies and then left. Since the wife was away, it sounds like this OW was also the MM's main source of companionship. OP if your husband really was as emotionally detached he says he was then that means he simply used this woman to selfishly meet his needs and then tossed her like garbage. What a selfish bastard! He could have gone onto craigslist to find cheap sex, instead he chose an emotionally vulnerable woman who had fallen in love with him. He makes me sick.

 

I don't belive that most OW or most BW are simply bat**** crazy all by themselves. Usually the MM has done plenty to drive them to that state of mind. OW say nasty things about the BW, BW says nasty things about OW but the most nasty person of all is in fact the MM. MM's involved in affairs while choosing to stay married and continue both relationships are just nasty nasty little creepy men and I can't for the life of me figure out why either the BW or the OW want him. What a waste of time and precious energy it is to compete with another woman for a POS.

[eleanor01]

Hi, Penelope--

 

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time of it.

 

I'm an OW, and I think that you are hoping that one of us can give you insight on why your husband's OW is behaving like a lunatic. I don't know the answer to that one, except to say that she sounds like a mess. Personally, I would never do what she has done. So, I can't give you insight into that at all.

 

I think some posters here have tried to read into the situation--was your husband honest with you both, etc. You've taken it on faith that he was. That's not for me to question. It does sound like he showed lousy judgment in getting involved with her in the first place, as she was such a wreck already--but everyone shows lousy judgment occasionally.

 

So, my advice: If you think she's dangerous, then get a restraining order.

 

I really, really hope that this works out for you.

 

All Best,

Ellie

[MissBee]

I'll try to bite. I will bet your husband said things to her to make her think he had interest in her besides the sex. I don't think any woman would hang onto to hope otherwise. I do not believe your husband is giving YOU the full truth either. I seriously doubt your husband told her it was only going to be sex. This woman sounds extremely emotionally invested and I believe this happens either because the man is also emotionally invested or is telling her things to make her think he is emotionally invested.

 

 

I have to disagree with the bolded ladydesigner...

 

There are people with prior issues that make them prone to obsessive love, which is promoted by anxiety:

Signs of Obsessive Love Disorder

 

There are several signs which indicate the obsessive love addiction. The signs of obsessive compulsive disorder in love include:

• Fixation with a person who they believe hold the key to their happiness and fulfillment.
  
• The onset of "tunnel vision". This means that a person who is relationally dependent on other cannot stop thinking about a love interest and requires constant attention by them.
  
• Neurotic, compulsive behavior for instance rapid telephone calls to your lover's place of residence or workplace.
  
• Unfounded accusations of "cheating".
  
• "Driveways" around a love interest's home or place of employment, with the goal of assuring that the person is at where he/she "said they would be".
  
• Physical monitoring of the activities of your love interest, by following them throughout the course of a day to discover daily activities.
  
• Controlling your lover. This includes questioning the commitment to the relationship so as to manipulate a love interest into providing more attention.
  
• Obsessive love stalking, rape, murder and other debilitating or destructive activities.
  
• With deterioration of a love relationship there may be stress related disorders.
  
• Overwhelming feelings of depression.
  
• A sudden loss of self-esteem or feelings of guilt and self-hatred.
  
• Anger, rage and a desire to seek revenge against a love interest.
  
• Denial that the relationship has ended. This is usually followed by attempts to "win a loved one back" by making promises to "change".
  
• The use of drugs, alcohol, food or sex to mute the emotional pain.
  

I think the way this woman was described before the affair ensued and the relationship she had with the OP's husband, makes it very possible that she is someone who due to her emotionally instability can very possibly read into things more easily and develop that obsessive type of love. Hence, it was his big mistake to even sleep with a woman whom he described as emotionally unstable to begin with! Also, many OW have been lied to by their affair partners and do not end up behaving in such an obsessive manner, especially years after....so the fact that this woman is behaving like this is more of a reason to believe that she really does have prior issues so her response is way overboard. No normal person carries on like that for years! I do believe the OP's husband may have told her the truth, as it seems he and the OP agreed in some way to open their marriage so he would have less reason to lie and seduce, but through her own issues she cannot not see it...happens a lot. Edited October 15, 2011 by MissBee

[RainDown]

I actually agree with most of the posters here. I think this MM led the OW to believe he had feelings for her and maybe at one point made her think there was a future for their relationship. I also agree that if the OW is or was as emotionally unstable as it seem both the OP and her husband paint her as then why would the husband choose someone like that for a NSA relationship. If all he needed was to get his rocks off, he should have chosen someone who was just looking for the same thing. This OW fell in love with him and he knew it and still decided to have sex with her. And I'd bet anything there was way more going on than just sex. I really doubt that he just stopped by her place once or twice a week for fifteen minutes to get his jollies and then left. Since the wife was away, it sounds like this OW was also the MM's main source of companionship. OP if your husband really was as emotionally detached he says he was then that means he simply used this woman to selfishly meet his needs and then tossed her like garbage. What a selfish bastard! He could have gone onto craigslist to find cheap sex, instead he chose an emotionally vulnerable woman who had fallen in love with him. He makes me sick.

 

I don't belive that most OW or most BW are simply bat**** crazy all by themselves. Usually the MM has done plenty to drive them to that state of mind. OW say nasty things about the BW, BW says nasty things about OW but the most nasty person of all is in fact the MM. MM's involved in affairs while choosing to stay married and continue both relationships are just nasty nasty little creepy men and I can't for the life of me figure out why either the BW or the OW want him. What a waste of time and precious energy it is to compete with another woman for a POS.

 

^^^ THIS ^^^

 

Spot on, Alexandria. Seriously OP, I think your focus on the OW and her "obsession" is a little skewed. You and your husband dragged her into this situation as an unpaid prostitute and when you were finished using her you both expected her to just "go quietly". Can you really not see that it's the irresponsible choices made my you and your husband that led to this consequence? You can't just go around using people, blaming it on your "high libido", then dumping them like yesterday's trash without expecting that some people out there will not just take that lying down.

 

What your husband did, and you condoned, to this vulnerable woman is what's disturbing to me. The OW is probably coping as best she can with the fact that you and your husband turned her life upside down. You should be thanking your lucky stars that all she has done is call and email you periodically and figuring out why you two brought this upon yourselves and into your marriage.

 

The OW will stop when she stops. You can't control that and I believe that is what is bothering you more than anything else. You two thought you could use and control her and she isn't having it. That is your consequence for starting this train along the tracks in the first place. Perhaps you and your husband should reconsider the sexual boundaries in your marriage and agree not to complicate things by bringing in unstable outside people.

[serial muse]

First of all, shame on YOU and your husband for taking advantage of a vulnerable woman. I am going to give the same advice all of the OW's are offered by others on this forum - take responsibility for YOUR actions as a couple and quit placing the blame on some where else. You opened the can of worms in a very irresponsible way and now it's coming back to bite you.

 

You and your husband dragged her into this situation as an unpaid prostitute and when you were finished using her you both expected her to just "go quietly". Can you really not see that it's the irresponsible choices made my you and your husband that led to this consequence? You can't just go around using people, blaming it on your "high libido", then dumping them like yesterday's trash without expecting that some people out there will not just take that lying down.

 

...<snip>

 

What your husband did, and you condoned, to this vulnerable woman is what's disturbing to me. The OW is probably coping as best she can with the fact that you and your husband turned her life upside down. You should be thanking your lucky stars that all she has done is call and email you periodically and figuring out why you two brought this upon yourselves and into your marriage.

 

The OW will stop when she stops. You can't control that and I believe that is what is bothering you more than anything else. You two thought you could use and control her and she isn't having it. That is your consequence for starting this train along the tracks in the first place. Perhaps you and your husband should reconsider the sexual boundaries in your marriage and agree not to complicate things by bringing in unstable outside people.

 

The he!!??? Good God.

 

I totally understand how the OP's post, in which she asks OP on here to explain the actions of a crazy person, could be offensive to OP who would never behave that way and don't want to be lumped in with someone who does. I get that that is sparking anger.

 

But. Seriously, where are you people coming up with the idea that the OP is responsible for taking advantage of a vulnerable woman??? She wasn't involved in the affair. She wasn't even there!! Are we reading the same post?? They had, to all intents and purposes, an open marriage. But she didn't in any way say she was involved in CHOOSING this person. All she's saying is that she isn't angry at her husband for having an affair because it was under an agreement they had.

 

What people think about open marriages is not the subject of this thread. If this is turning into some kind of referendum on that topic, then I would call that a threadjack.

Edited October 16, 2011 by serial muse

[donnamaybe]

The he!!??? Good God.

 

I totally understand how the OP's post, in which she asks OP on here to explain the actions of a crazy person, could be offensive to OP who would never behave that way and don't want to be lumped in with someone who does. I get that that is sparking anger.

 

But. Seriously, where are you people coming up with the idea that the OP is responsible for taking advantage of a vulnerable woman??? She wasn't involved in the affair. She wasn't even there!! Are we reading the same post?? They had, to all intents and purposes, an open marriage. But she didn't in any way say she was involved in CHOOSING this person. All she's saying is that she isn't angry at her husband for having an affair because it was under an agreement they had.

 

What people think about open marriages is not the subject of this thread. If this is turning into some kind of referendum on that topic, then I would call that a threadjack.

Precisely. I agree with every point in this post.

[alexandria35]

^^^ THIS ^^^

 

Spot on, Alexandria. Seriously OP, I think your focus on the OW and her "obsession" is a little skewed. You and your husband dragged her into this situation as an unpaid prostitute and when you were finished using her you both expected her to just "go quietly". Can you really not see that it's the irresponsible choices made my you and your husband that led to this consequence? You can't just go around using people, blaming it on your "high libido", then dumping them like yesterday's trash without expecting that some people out there will not just take that lying down.

 

What your husband did, and you condoned, to this vulnerable woman is what's disturbing to me. The OW is probably coping as best she can with the fact that you and your husband turned her life upside down. You should be thanking your lucky stars that all she has done is call and email you periodically and figuring out why you two brought this upon yourselves and into your marriage.

 

The OW will stop when she stops. You can't control that and I believe that is what is bothering you more than anything else. You two thought you could use and control her and she isn't having it. That is your consequence for starting this train along the tracks in the first place. Perhaps you and your husband should reconsider the sexual boundaries in your marriage and agree not to complicate things by bringing in unstable outside people.[/QUOTE]

 

I strongly disagree. Now you are just doing the same thing the OP is doing which is blaming someone else for the MM's choices. I don't see anywhere in the OP's post where she conspired with her husband to take advantage of this OW. All she said is that she and her husband had an agreement that they didn't have to be sexually exclusive. So she knew her husband might have sex with someone else during their seperation. So what? OW knew MM was married. Don't try to twist this around so that it's the wifes fault. Don't hold her responsible for the MM's AND the OW's poor choices. Unless the OW was in a coma she is still fully responsible for what she did and the decisions she made. All I meant by my post is that the MM was a creep for using the OW's poor judgement against her when he could have just hired a hooker. I also think he is lying to his wife about the full extent of his involvement with the OW. He is the cause of this. It's hardly the wifes fault that at some point the OW decided in her twisted and delusioned mind that it would be okay for her to pursue her relationship to the point of harassing the OP.

[Mme. Chaucer]

This kind of leaves me with a "cool story, bro" feeling. But, heck. I'll bite.

 

I don't agree that the OP is responsible for a "vulnerable woman" having been taken advantage of. There are a few aspects of this story, though, that have me confused and kind of appalled.

 

 

However, during that period, several crises struck my husband and he needed more support than I was able to provide him at a distance.

 

What does your husbands need for "support" have to do with the scenario you go on to describe:

 

My husband was supervising a woman of his own age who was a tangle of problems. She lacked confidence and cried at the slightest upset and needed very careful handling. He was very gentle with her and tried to boost her confidence with affirmation and positive feedback. She took this as a sign of interest and became very attached to him. She confided in him and blurred the lines between professional and personal, and because he was seeking a distraction from his own issues he readily fell into trying to "fix" things for her, to help her get her life on a more solid footing so that her professional life could be more grounded. She flourished under his guidance and colleagues commented on how well she was doing, thanks to him.

 

From this description, your husband was at least as responsible for "blurring the lines" as this woman (his subordinate at work!) was.

 

Even before he started using her for sex (I'm still confused about the "support" part), he was crossing boundaries all over the place. Obviously.

 

You put responsibility on her, while excusing him. How and why? You also do present her as clearly "vulnerable." Why did your husband need to use her for sex like "one would buy at the docks, only without the exchange of banknotes"?

 

He could have just gone for the exchange of banknotes, and sidestepped the enmeshment.

 

Any man who gets deeply involved on an emotional and social level with a woman over whom he has (or had) "power" over at work, and who clearly was a needy person, and then chooses to add sex to the relationship, is pretty much asking for what he is getting.

 

Really, he was dating her for a long time before the relationship became sexual. No wonder she thought there was something between them.

 

 

she became completely compliant and consented to a range of sexual practices she would otherwise never had agreed to.

 

While he was showering (as he always did immediately after sex with her)

 

Just FYI, details like those above give quite a "fictional" air to your already kind of florid tale. So do all her characteristics you illustrate, like her propensity for crying, and needing "careful handling," etc. And if the tale is really non-fiction, why on Earth would your husband share such details with you - and why do you pass them on here?

 

Anyway, to address your question:

 

First, I don't think that you are going to "understand" this woman unless you get to know her and are ready to believe her point of view, which you have no clue about, from my POV. But, why would you do that? It would only serve to add fuel to this already flaming drama.

 

It's easy to understand all you need to understand:

 

Your husband got emotionally, socially and sexually involved with a person in a subordinate position to his who was also in a vulnerable and perhaps tenuous emotional condition at the time. So she fell for him. What's the big mystery?

 

So, forget about her. Sooner or later, she will move on. You and your husband can probably increase your efforts to block her from contacting you.

 

If I were you, I would work on defining the parameters of your "open marriage." Next time your husband needs to have sex and you're not around, he'd be well advised to not have it with a person he'd been supervising at work, who was emotionally needy. And, he shouldn't date them, unless he wants a lot more involvement than plain sex.

[fellhard4u]

Former OW here. If you feel harassed by this woman please ask your husband to send her a "Cease and Desist" letter by certified mail. If she persist with the harassment, here in the US, it is only after you can prove that you sent this woman a C&D letter that you have grounds to request a restraining order.

[spice4life]

Well, I think that the OP and her husband need to accept responsibility and chalk it up as a lesson learned. If you are going to open up a marriage, you need to lay ground rules from the start. One of those rules should be not to get involved with someone who can't handle it. Even if the OW agreed, her state of mind should have been a huge red flag that she was vulnerable and not able to handle the situation as it stood. Being involved with her was risky and now they are having problems. When a woman cries at the drop of a hat and feels hopeless, they WILL get attached to a man who tries to rescue them - especially if he crosses the line and has sex with her. I've seen it happen many times. That was not the case with me, but there are women out there who don't have a grasp on reality and will skew the attention as something more. And until they get help and deal with their issues, their view will remain skewed.

 

I think the OP should meet with her, together as a couple, and apologize for involving her in "their" marriage and tell her they love each other and she has to move on. Then inform her that any futher contact will force them to get a restraining order.

 

If this situation is in fact true, and not someone just posting a story to insult OW's because they are angry about an affair, then understand this is not the norm.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I do have some questions about the plot line of your story.

 

The affair took place "a few years ago" while you and your husband were living apart?

 

Then all the drama …

 

How long did they carry on their relationship? How long between the time she started contacting you and the time their relationship ended?

 

What about you and your husband? Is he living where you are again? Is the woman he had the emotional and sexual love affair with living near both of you, only him or neither of you?

 

If she's still far away in another land, and your husband's near you, I think it would be fairly simple for both of you to ignore her until she realizes that here choice to have a relationship (which certainly was not a simple sex fest) with your husband was ill-fated, and she WILL go away.

 

I'm interested in how you are dealing with the reality that your husband had a very involved relationship with another woman in the guise of simply seeking sexual relief, and why you are putting all of the responsibility of it upon her. She seduced him? She took him out to dinner and bought him gifts? He was just swept away by all of this attention in combination with his severe case of blueballs?

 

Do you and your husband still have an open relationship sexually and / or emotionally? Are you kind of polyamorous? Was your post a creative writing exercise? Because, if it was, I am a very stringent editor and can offer more (much needed) help with your inconsistent story line, unreliable narrator(s) and timeline than I can with "understanding the other woman." Because you don't need any help with that.

[serial muse]

Well, I think that the OP and her husband need to accept responsibility and chalk it up as a lesson learned. If you are going to open up a marriage, you need to lay ground rules from the start. One of those rules should be not to get involved with someone who can't handle it. Even if the OW agreed, her state of mind should have been a huge red flag that she was vulnerable and not able to handle the situation as it stood. Being involved with her was risky and now they are having problems. When a woman cries at the drop of a hat and feels hopeless, they WILL get attached to a man who tries to rescue them - especially if he crosses the line and has sex with her. I've seen it happen many times. That was not the case with me, but there are women out there who don't have a grasp on reality and will skew the attention as something more. And until they get help and deal with their issues, their view will remain skewed.

 

I think the OP should meet with her, together as a couple, and apologize for involving her in "their" marriage and tell her they love each other and she has to move on. Then inform her that any futher contact will force them to get a restraining order.

 

If this situation is in fact true, and not someone just posting a story to insult OW's because they are angry about an affair, then understand this is not the norm.

 

OK, this is just ridiculous. The original poster has NO responsibility to the OW here. Come on.

 

Taking the statement of yours that I bolded to its logical conclusion, any prospective OM/OW should check to make sure that the BS is going to be able to handle his/her partner cheating before choosing to enter into a relationship with a WS ("opening up" the marriage in a different way). Would you agree with that? Would you also agree, then, that once it's all over, the OM/OW should meet with the BS/WS together, as a couple, to apologize for getting involved in "their" marriage??

 

I mean, really?? Like I said before, I get why this original post was offensive, because it implies that all OW/OM would somehow understand a mentally unhinged person. I don't agree with that. But all the arm-waving in the world won't make this woman responsible for her husband's choices.

Edited October 16, 2011 by serial muse

[spice4life]

Hey, the OP is the one who said they "voluntarily" agreed to open the marriage up during her absense. In that case, there is responsibility. There are tons of open marriages where boundaries are set and everything is laid on the table up front. In this case, they opened up and learned a valuable lesson. Now they just need to own that and move on themselves with the knowledge this experience taught them. Just like any OW needs to own that they chose to get involved with a MM and the consequences that result are their's to own as well.

 

That's fine you that don't agree, it's just MHO...that's all. I personally think that couples in an open marriage need to make sure they know the warning signs to look for to minimize the possibility of this happening. Again, what they are experiencing is not the norm in most cases so it's hard to provide advice about what's going on with "their" xOW.

[serial muse]

Hey, the OP is the one who said they "voluntarily" agreed to open the marriage up during her absense. In that case, there is responsibility. There are tons of open marriages where boundaries are set and everything is laid on the table up front. In this case, they opened up and learned a valuable lesson. Now they just need to own that and move on themselves with the knowledge this experience taught them. Just like any OW needs to own that they chose to get involved with a MM and the consequences that result are their's to own as well.

 

That's fine you that don't agree, it's just MHO...that's all. I personally think that couples in an open marriage need to make sure they know the warning signs to look for to minimize the possibility of this happening. Again, what they are experiencing is not the norm in most cases so it's hard to provide advice about what's going on with "their" xOW.

 

But what you're suggesting has to do with personal responsibility for making sure all three parties are cool with the situation - and yet the OW/OM bears no similar responsibility?? This is what I don't understand. It strikes me as very slippery morality. You really can't have it both ways - either you do the work to make sure you're not going to hurt another person by altering a pre-existing relationship...or you don't. I can comprehend a consistent morality, either way. But this buffet-style thing rankles. That is why I disagree with you.

Edited October 16, 2011 by serial muse

[darkmoon]

I hope I am not offending anybody with this post. I have reached a point in my journey of understanding that I can't seem to pass, and I'm hoping for some insights from others to help in that.

 

 

 

My husband was supervising a woman of his own age who was a tangle of problems. She lacked confidence and cried at the slightest upset and needed very careful handling. He was very gentle with her and tried to boost her confidence with affirmation and positive feedback. She took this as a sign of interest and became very attached to him. She confided in him and blurred the lines between professional and personal, and because he was seeking a distraction from his own issues he readily fell into trying to "fix" things for her, to help her get her life on a more solid footing so that her professional life could be more grounded. She flourished under his guidance and colleagues commented on how well she was doing, thanks to him.

[Emme]

Eventually the predictable happened, and she seduced him.

 

Huh! What do you mean by she seduced him. From your post you have made this woman out to be a senseless tart. What would a senseless tart know about seducing a man such as your husband? Highly intelligent, high libido, self sacrificing doesn’t seem to be the qualities of a weakling. Only weak men get seduced and your husband isn’t weak, right.

 

My husband - like myself - has a high libido and was grateful of the sexual outlet to relieve the monotony of cybersex and masturbation.

 

Why are you making excuses for your husband cheating on you? During your overseas employment did you stray! You also have a high libido. Did you succumb to the monotony of cyber sex! If you do have this high libido you did stray. Only difference is you knew how to train your pet better than he did. You hold your husband in this high regard and he’s a looser. If you had a wonderful relationship he would have conferred with you as to looking for substance since virtual reality didn’t do it for him. You have expressed a wonderful relationship with your husband as if everything is known and shared. This is one secret (or many) he kept from you. Please don’t put him on a pedestal. Your husband is a mangy dog just like the rest of other married people who stray.

 

Does she really hope that one day he might "come to his senses" and decide to leave me for her?

 

Absolutely! Why not? When he was wining and dinning her I’m sure the topic of how real this would be if we were a real couple came up. By the way just so you know… He wined and dined her. Maybe once in a while she picked up the tab, yes. She’s giving him free p*ssy she’s not paying for dinner.

 

Is she simply hoping that he might grant her one last "mercy ****" since she has not had a lover since their encounters?

 

Sure why not. He was giving her mercy f*cks in the beginning why not in the end. She won’t have any encounters/lovers because she’s still stuck on your husband.

 

Does she believe that he is merely abiding by my wishes in not contacting her, and that given the chance he'd be with her?

 

Aboulutely! When you were across the pond he wasn’t abiding by your wishes to remain faithful. So in her mind now he’s only being forced to obey because you are present. It’s simple really. Just imagine yourself in her shoes for little and it will make sense. Trust me.

 

What keeps her hope so strong after all this time?

 

All the pillow talk your husband gave her. The affection and love he was missing because of your career he chose to give to this woman who means "nothing" to him. His make shift wife he created to ease the pain.

 

How long is this likely to last?

 

It all depends on how much damage your husband did to her heart. It all depends on if any man is able to get to her heart to change the love she feels towards him. I’d say add the amount of lies he told her and the amount of promises he made. Take that number and multiply it by the length of the affair. That’s how many years.

 

What might lead to her behaviour changing?

 

Um… winning the lottery. Maybe meeting someone famous who wants to marry her. Maybe a trip to Disney World not Disney Land… Disney World.

 

What are the prospects for her realising she is being foolish, and going away quietly (and staying away)?

 

You’re going to have to look to your husband for a number on that one. He has to tell you how much damage he has done. Not only that if the sex was the best she’s ever had she’ll never go away. Ask him… or use your experience with him sexually to estimate.

 

Is she aware of how desperate and foolish she appears to others?

 

She’s in (insert husband’s name) LAND! She’s not in her right mind. All she knows and sees is him. She doesn’t even see you.

 

How best ought I to handle this?

 

Oh… you don’t do sh*t. Your husband got you into this mess it’s up to him to get you out of it. You sit back and relax. Make it clear to her that she doesn’t want to mess with you and I believe you’ve done that. The harassment is all on him. Live your life and as soon as he opens his mouth to complain about her put the hand up and tell him “I don’t want to hear it”. You got yourself into this mess and it’s up to you to fix and deal with it.

 

Your husband had a relationship while you were gone... basically “dead”. You were no where. Then you come back from the dead and he expects this woman to act like the emotions they both feel for each other is to be swept under the mat. She is the only sensible one. At least she’s being human. You can’t cut and walk away after time has been invested that quickly. It’s not rational. She’s mourning the loss of a man that mentored and loved her. That’s how she sees it.

 

Just think about the total amount of hours they spent together at work and at play. You just don’t walk away from that unscathed.

 

I wish you the best and hope things work out. I hope she does heal soon so you can move forward. As for your marriage maybe your husband needs to be more open and honest with you. You are not being told everything.