Understanding the "Other Woman"

[MissBee]

Okay...

 

I am seeing some responses about the OW not being able to get over it because the MM promised more than he could deliver and sold her an happily ever after, therefore it is in fact his fault why she is now obsessed.

Pause.

 

If he really did this, of course that was wrong of him, but at the end of the day (unless one is mentally/emotionally disturbed) one has to own the reality that it wasn't true and move forward....

 

MANY MANY MANY non-affairs and affair relationship include lies, one person over-promising and under-delivering, a change of heart, betrayal, etc and the other partner, while hurt, is encouraged to accept that this happened, not play victim and move on. If a man asks me to marry him, changes his mind, asks for the ring back and then whisks off some other woman...OFCOURSE I will be highly upset and seeking answers...but if I came here saying I am going to chase him forever and stalk him and this new woman because he had promised to marry me...most people would probably think I am crazy and need some counseling to get past this. there are natural emotions and then the point where it gets to the unhealthy and unproductive realm....

 

Same here. If the MM promised her love, kids, houses etc....okaayy...he lied. It is bad but she has to move on! What is the sense of saying well if he hadn't promised her this she wouldn't be crazy....that gives her no license to be crazy...she needs to get counseling and move past this. What can the OP and her husband do now about it? Apologize and then leave this woman alone....they cannot help her overcome this.

 

My advice to the actual question is: what your husband did was dumb...it really was. However, what's done is done and perhaps he should have a final, compassionate talk with this woman apologizing for whatever lies he told her and tell her that things cannot be with them....then if she continues to stalk you all, seek legal action. After that point, it is up to her to seek help in mourning what she thought was and getting on with life.....

[spice4life]

But what you're suggesting has to do with personal responsibility for making sure all three parties are cool with the situation - and yet the OW/OM bears no similar responsibility?? This is what I don't understand. It strikes me as very slippery morality. You really can't have it both ways - either you do the work to make sure you're not going to hurt another person by altering a pre-existing relationship...or you don't. I can comprehend a consistent morality, either way. But this buffet-style thing rankles. That is why I disagree with you.

 

No where did I say that the OW should not accept responsibility - sure she should and that her own cross to bear. And let me make it clear that I was addressing the individual circumstances this couple is facing and not the whole affair world in general.

 

All I'm saying, in this particular situation, is to quit absolving themselves of responsibility and say, "we f**ked up too, let's deal with it once and for all and move on." In tis case, the OP is absolving her husband and placing the blame squarely on the OW shoulders.

[spice4life]

OK, this is just ridiculous. The original poster has NO responsibility to the OW here. Come on.

 

Taking the statement of yours that I bolded to its logical conclusion, any prospective OM/OW should check to make sure that the BS is going to be able to handle his/her partner cheating before choosing to enter into a relationship with a WS ("opening up" the marriage in a different way). Would you agree with that? Would you also agree, then, that once it's all over, the OM/OW should meet with the BS/WS together, as a couple, to apologize for getting involved in "their" marriage??

ces.

 

I disagree and think the OP bears some responsibility for the mess they are in if they consciously agreed it was okay to stray while apart. They didn't think in advance of all the possible problems that could arise out of such a situation.

 

Regarding the bolded part, my opinion was based on this individual situation and was not intended to be applied across the board in all affairs. THE OP and HER HUSBAND mutually agreed that it was okay to have sex outside of the marriage. If you make that choice you have a responsibility to the third party you bring in. Where did I say this applies to affairs in general and the OW bears no responsibility??? I DID NOT say that at all, so please quit trying to apply my opinion to affairs in general. That was not my point.

 

In an affair where the MM/MW is choosing to deceive their BS, the OW bears a lot of responsibility if she chooses to participate in the deception and the BS is NOT responsible in any way if she does not know. In that case the MP and OW/OM are completely resonsible for their part and should own it whole heartedly because they "mutually" agreed deceive someone else.

[donnamaybe]

So a married couple bears responsibility for the behavior of a third party in an open M situation, but not when one of them is lying to the other? Huh? The OW knew this man was married, and she jumped in with both feet. The responsibility for her stalkerish behavior is hers alone.

[spice4life]

So a married couple bears responsibility for the behavior of a third party in an open M situation, but not when one of them is lying to the other? Huh? The OW knew this man was married, and she jumped in with both feet. The responsibility for her stalkerish behavior is hers alone.

 

I didn't say that. I'm just saying that in this particular situation all three parties are at fault, not just one. If I were in an open marriage, there would be ground rules and I would make da*n certain my husband knew what type of woman was off limits. I would want to know the details about the woman beforehand, so I could decide whether or not she was capable of handling the situation and able to stay witin the boundaries set.

Edited October 17, 2011 by spice4life

[Mme. Chaucer]

What I can't seem to get past is this:

 

"that this was merely sex - much as one would buy at the docks, only without the exchange of banknotes."

 

Although she knew he was married, he was behaving like a very committed partner in a relationship with this woman! His wife was not in the picture, these two were sharing every aspect of life together. He was being a "boyfriend." For years, maybe - we aren't told.

 

Until it was time for sex. Then it was " merely sex - much as one would buy at the docks, only without the exchange of banknotes."

 

It kind of makes me sick. Way to treat the OW like garbage.

 

But, really, look! The OP has never returned, after sharing this very … romantic, and dramatic tale. While we are debating the finer points, she is probably creating her next writing effort.

[mzdolphin]

So a married couple bears responsibility for the behavior of a third party in an open M situation, but not when one of them is lying to the other? Huh? The OW knew this man was married, and she jumped in with both feet. The responsibility for her stalkerish behavior is hers alone.

 

 

She is responsible for her actions, of course. However he was in a supervisory role at work. That changes everything. He's lucky if he doesn't get fired.

 

I too find some of the detail strange. But then again I find open marriages strange.

[Mme. Chaucer]

why did the OW have to be likened to a prostitute trolling the docks? how come she couldn't be a treasured concubine, or at least a high priced valuable call girl?

[Emme]

why did the OW have to be likened to a prostitute trolling the docks? how come she couldn't be a treasured concubine, or at least a high priced valuable call girl?

 

I called her make a make shift wife. That was her purpose. I am sure the wife had to have a discussion with the husband. There had to have been some dialogue as to how and who is going to relieve him of his sperm. Someone said no prostitutes. Then someone said who do we know that we can use. Then someone else said well she sounds like a good choice. Not that much in the membrane she'll be easy to use and abuse. Only thing is no one counted on her not going away.

 

This poster has outlined every detail even details she wasn't even present for. The most important detail as to what occurrence or disaster led to them opening the relationship and why someone chose her isn't. Who opened up the can an worms and forgot to cover the lid.

[PenelopeTheFaithful]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am afraid there are far too many for me to respond individually to each!

 

I do apologise if anyone took offence. This was not my intention, as I stated in my original post. I did not wish to imply that I thought all "other women" were clingy, or had problems similar to those of this woman. I was hoping that someone might, by virtue of having been in such a relationship, be able to project themselves into her situation to help me understand better, since I had reached a point beyond which my understanding was opaque. Several of you have helped me to do that, and I thank you for this.

 

Others have questioned my inclusion of details such as my husband showering. Obviously I have omitted many details in the interests of readability. Those I included were, I felt, necessary to explain certain factors I considered pertinent when sketching the situation. As this was how, or when, she had gotten hold of my contact details, I included that information. Again, I apologise if some considered it unnecessarily graphic or revealing.

 

As to my husband's poor judgment in selection of a sex partner during my absence, we are all agreed on that matter. He has come to regret his choice deeply, and through a great deal of discussion and introspection has reached an understanding of why he made such a poor choice. However, that understanding does not undo what has come to pass, and we have to deal with the situation we have, not the one we might otherwise wish, had we had the knowledge brought us by hindsight. (Incidentally, for those who are concerned about his having supervised her, this was no longer the situation at the point at which they had sex. She had since moved to a different institution though they continued to have contact as they were working together on projects. He had no authority or position of power or structural influence over her during this time. He would not have had sex with her had he still been in a supervisory capacity in relation to her.)

 

As regards the suggestion that he was dating her or that she was a "makeshift wife" during my absence, that is highly improbable. The gifts and the taking him to dinner had taken place during the period in which he was supervising her, as thanks for the support which she had been receiving from him. While it is possible that this continued once she had moved to her next position, it is unlikely in the light of correspondence between them from this period. Of course, I was not party to any pillow talk or verbal exchanges, but unless they both conspired to lay a false trail while conducting a parallel relationship, this would contradict their email exchanges.

 

The suggestion of a restraining order is one we have considered, but have been loathe to adopt given her circumstances. However, a formalised "cease and desist" letter may well achieve something, particularly if it makes clear to her that a restraining order would follow should she not heed it. I will discuss that with my husband as a way forward.

 

Thank you once again for all of your replies and suggestions. I hope that I have not overlooked anyone in my response. I did not anticipate such a rush of replies during the weekend! Thank you for taking the time.

[PhoenixRise]

If this guy were single and this woman he had been in a relationship with was still "chasing" him after all this time, would people still be as forgiving of her behavior? Seems to me like most people would be saying that she had some problems and needs to get some help. I don't think too many people would still be blaming him for her behavior. The only difference here is the guy is married.

 

The fact that a guy is married and the women he was seeing is "the other woman" are irrelevant....she is still responsible for her behavior, especially after all this time. She is not a child- somehow she is an adult able to "keep things together" enough to hold a responsible position, travel to conferences, etc.

 

If he behaved badly then, then she is behaving badly now. She needs to let go and move on. If, after all this time, she can't then maybe she should get some professional help.

 

AND if the original post described an ex-wife who was continuing to harass the former OW years after MM divorced the wife and married the OW would anybody here be so forgiving of the wife's behavior?

[TigerCub]

He has come to regret his choice deeply, and through a great deal of discussion and introspection has reached an understanding of why he made such a poor choice.

 

So...why did he make such a poor choice?

[TigerCub]

If this guy were single and this woman he had been in a relationship with was still "chasing" him after all this time, would people still be as forgiving of her behavior? Seems to me like most people would be saying that she had some problems and needs to get some help. I don't think too many people would still be blaming him for her behavior. The only difference here is the guy is married.

 

The fact that a guy is married and the women he was seeing is "the other woman" are irrelevant....she is still responsible for her behavior, especially after all this time. She is not a child- somehow she is an adult able to "keep things together" enough to hold a responsible position, travel to conferences, etc.

 

If he behaved badly then, then she is behaving badly now. She needs to let go and move on. If, after all this time, she can't then maybe she should get some professional help.

 

That's true FS.

She is responsible for her actions, whether the guy is married, or single.

 

BUT...because the guy she was involved with is a MM, and from the (pretty much) general consensus about MMs here - chances are that guy is lying to both the OW and the wife.

 

And chances are the OW is still clinging on because he's giving her false hope and lying to her and she's believing it.

 

It may not be the case, but honestly, from everything people have read here or experienced, most know how MMs lie, and how they keep trying to keep something with the other woman while pretending to be fully in their Ms.

 

The OW should get some help and let go and move on - no disagreements there, but I think most posters here at least guessed/thought/bet on the fact that this husband is still keeping her strung along somehow. Thereby reinforcing her poor behavior.

 

I could be wrong about that though.

[Ms. Red]

The issue for me is how to handle her continued hope several years on, despite consistent messages from him and from me.

 

In my opinion, the best response is no response. In her whacked mind, it's possible that she sees any response as a positive that he still has her on his mind.

 

Sorry you have to deal with such a pathetic person like her. After a while of not hearing anything at all from him, I would think she would finally give it up.

 

I wish you and your husband well.

[donnamaybe]

She is responsible for her actions, of course. However he was in a supervisory role at work. That changes everything. He's lucky if he doesn't get fired.

 

I too find some of the detail strange. But then again I find open marriages strange.

I'm SO with ya on the open marriage thing. But to each their own. As long as no one is lying to anyone, it's their life and they are welcome to it.

 

I think the OP mentioned that they weren't working in the same office once the sex began, but I could be wrong.

 

As for the poster who commented about likening the sex to prostitution instead of a high priced call girl, as the OP describes the behavior, that is NOT the behavior of a high priced call girl. It's pathetic behavior. You don't expect to get pathetic in a high priced call girl.

[Radagast]

why did the OW have to be likened to a prostitute trolling the docks? how come she couldn't be a treasured concubine, or at least a high priced valuable call girl?

 

The poster did not liken the woman to a prostitute. She likened the nature of the exchange to that with a prostitute (minus the payment)

 

He warned her that he loved me and that he had no intention of leaving me and that a relationship with her was not on the cards; that this was merely sex - much as one would buy at the docks, only without the exchange of banknotes.

[Mme. Chaucer]

The poster did not liken the woman to a prostitute. She likened the nature of the exchange to that with a prostitute (minus the payment)

 

Of course. My point was that he had been having a multi-demensional relationship with her which included "helping" her through her difficult emotional problems, dinners, gifts. Only when it was time to do the dirty deed did the relationship become analogous to paying for sex with a streetwalker.

 

I doubt the other intimacies ceased at the moment that sexual contact began.

 

If this guy were single and this woman he had been in a relationship with was still "chasing" him after all this time, would people still be as forgiving of her behavior?

 

I'm actually not "forgiving" of her behavior. I think it sounds pathetic. In fact, all three parties involved sound pathetic to me. Still, when a guy treats an emotionally unstable woman like she's his girlfriend and then bails on her, he oughtn't be surprised to see some behavior like this, whether he is married or not.

 

The gifts and the taking him to dinner had taken place during the period in which he was supervising her, as thanks for the support which she had been receiving from him.

 

That's weird. Supervisors are supposed to support those whom they supervise. It's part of the job. In your florid OP, you wax romantical about how her co-workers noticed her improvement on the job. That means … your husband did his normal job well.

 

Dinners and repeated gift giving to "repay" ones supervisor for doing their job is inappropriate, and it's inappropriate for your husband to have accepted the gestures.

 

She'll go away, OP, as long as your husband is not actually playing with her still.

 

You still have not filled in crucial parts of your narrative, though. Is your husband still in geographic proximity to her, or to you? Are you all living close together?

 

Also, a writing tip. You have some easily recognizable "signatures" in your writing style, particularly your unique and rather labored sentence structure and constant "apologies." If you'd like to be perceived as various different people, you might want to work on creating diverse writing styles.

[serial muse]

OK, you say this

 

my opinion was based on this individual situation and was not intended to be applied across the board in all affairs. THE OP and HER HUSBAND mutually agreed that it was okay to have sex outside of the marriage.

 

But then you keep saying this (bolded emphasis mine):

 

the OP bears some responsibility for the mess they are in if they consciously agreed it was okay to stray while apart. They didn't think in advance of all the possible problems that could arise out of such a situation.

 

...snip...

 

If you make that choice you have a responsibility to the third party you bring in.

 

Um. Hello? You really don't see the contradiction here, in your OWN words? That second quote is a blanket statement, not about one situation. You're saying that someone who indulges in an open marriage - anyone - has a certain kind of responsibility. Get it now??

 

Look, I think open marriages are strange and fraught, too. I would never want to dip a toe in those waters. Very likely the OP and her husband learned a valuable lesson. BUT. Her post is not asking for anyone's opinion on open marriages. It's asking about what to do about someone who has gone off the deep end.

 

And you keep avoiding the point I'm making - that it's just highly suspect to ascribe responsibility to someone choosing to have an open marriage - yes, in a BLANKET WAY - without ascribing similar responsibility to people in affairs - in a BLANKET WAY. It's just too convenient. Either all parties need to check up on the mental health of all other parties - or they don't.

 

Where did I say this applies to affairs in general and the OW bears no responsibility??? I DID NOT say that at all, so please quit trying to apply my opinion to affairs in general. That was not my point.

 

Yes, I know - it's MY point. If you're going to come down heavy with that particular brand of morality, then it SHOULD apply to affairs in general. Otherwise, the whole thing just sounds like justification of one's own choices, not a general statement of what one sees as right and wrong.

Edited October 17, 2011 by serial muse

[2sunny]

did your H ever tell his OW that he loved her? did he lead her to believe in any way that he cared deeply for her?

 

you need to know - and i'm sure it's the reason why she keeps hanging on to hope with him.

 

has he - in ANY way - had communication with her in the past few years?

 

i think - even though the M was open - he mislead her - and may still be giving her false hope - in order to continue feeding his ego - that is what started this to begin with... his ego feed - rescuing her - feeling empowered - feeling important - feeling needed and wanted and desired... THOSE are the feelings she provided - and probably the feelings that fell short with you.

 

his needs don't just disappear because you move back... she gave him something that was missing while you were away. she figures you will never provide him what she gave him - and is waiting for his empty promises to come to light.

 

i don't think he'll tell you THAT though - because then he would have to deflate his big ego...

[2sunny]

IF several years had passed and the OW didn't get the message to leave my M alone - you can bet i wouldn't hesitate to take action (legal) to road block her.

 

why hasn't your H taken that action? i'd bet money it's because he has given her crumbs of hope through the years that keeps her hanging on - he's just unwilling to admit that he still participates - even if it's on a small level. most men that enjoy the ego feed she provided don't just walk away from what she provided him = his ego being fed from her.

 

 

i'd want to know - how, EXACTLY, has HE participated? and what words did he promise her when they were together? did he tell her he would always love her? did he tell her she provided him things that he didn't get within your M?

 

 

ask!!! he's hiding info that could help you!

[spice4life]

OK, you say this

 

 

 

But then you keep saying this (bolded emphasis mine):

 

 

 

Um. Hello? You really don't see the contradiction here, in your OWN words? That second quote is a blanket statement, not about one situation. You're saying that someone who indulges in an open marriage - anyone - has a certain kind of responsibility. Get it now??

 

Look, I think open marriages are strange and fraught, too. I would never want to dip a toe in those waters. Very likely the OP and her husband learned a valuable lesson. BUT. Her post is not asking for anyone's opinion on open marriages. It's asking about what to do about someone who has gone off the deep end.

 

And you keep avoiding the point I'm making - that it's just highly suspect to ascribe responsibility to someone choosing to have an open marriage - yes, in a BLANKET WAY - without ascribing similar responsibility to people in affairs - in a BLANKET WAY. It's just too convenient. Either all parties need to check up on the mental health of all other parties - or they don't.

 

 

 

Yes, I know - it's MY point. If you're going to come down heavy with that particular brand of morality, then it SHOULD apply to affairs in general. Otherwise, the whole thing just sounds like justification of one's own choices, not a general statement of what one sees as right and wrong.

 

I'm not going to argue with you. Besides the OP replied that "in hindsight" they would have not gone down this path with this woman had they known her behavior indicated she was not a right fit for "their" situation. When you are dealing with someone has gone off the deep end the only thing you can do is what the Op intends on doing - confront it by telling her to stop followed by a restraining order if she doesn't.

 

Problem solved...I'm done with this thread. Have a nice day!

[18Years2Late]

Here OP...I copied this one day from another OW website...I can't remember which on or the author so I hope I don't get in trouble...but read and enjoy...

 

Who is she?

 

She's the nicest woman you could ever meet; in fact, you might have met her. You might know her fairly well and you might like her a lot without being aware that she's sleeping with your husband. She is a nice woman, really. This is the only part of her life that can't be admired, that can't be examined, that can't be discussed out loud. It's the only part of her life for which she doesn't respect herself and it keeps her miserable, even when she's happy, because she knows whatever happiness she has is stolen and illegitimate. She's not a fool even though she knows she's acting like one.

 

Or, she's not sleeping with your husband -- maybe you're single, maybe you have different relationships in your life -- and so this is a friend of yours, a woman you've come to consider a good and dependable part of your life. She's an elementary school teacher, a physical therapist, a pharmacist, a social worker, a bank executive, a swim coach, an engineer, a computer programmer. She's been your friend since junior high, your college roommate, your best colleague, your neighbor, your confidante, without revealing this part of her life to you because she suspects that even at your most understanding you wouldn't understand. You couldn't unless you've been through this and she knows you haven't. Or she thinks she knows you haven't but one thing she has learned is that nobody is exempt from the possibility of this happening -- if a person could claim exemption, she'd be first on the list.

 

So she doesn't tell you, her best friend. You might judge her harshly or, even worse, stop speaking to her altogether and she can't bear the thought of losing you. She's already surrounded by the possibility of loss and will not add to it, even at the cost of not talking about the very thing that consumes her waking moments.

 

Educated, polite and brought up by a loving family, she's not a particularly hot tomato or the kind of woman usually transported across state lines for immoral purposes. Attractive, fun, attentive and considerate, she is deeply committed to those she loves and that's one of the reasons this tears her apart. One of the things she loves about this man, after all, is the way he treats the ones to whom he is closest.

 

Not her -- he can't treat her as if she were really in his life, after all -- but others. His real family, the inhabitants of his real life. If he were an emotional bully or an emotional slob, she wouldn't have been drawn to him in the first place. Those aspects of his life he betrays to be with her are the very parts of him she would never wish him to compromise. So she understands how divided he is, how he feels like a piece of meat being sliced up by a rusty knife, how he feels like he's drowning and suffocating and being eaten alive all at once. He, too, is a decent person, except for this business of loving someone he isn't supposed to love.

 

Holidays are hard, but so is spring and so are winter nights, summer mornings and long, early-autumn afternoons. The phone is her lifeline and she has about 17 different ways of being reached in case some shard of time can be broken off and given to her. She'll take what she can get -- not in a way anyone would think of her, but in this case it's true. There are codes they use to communicate what can't be spoken or written; these were funny at first but over time they have be come as serious as a car crash.

 

Maybe it ends when there is a car crash and they're in the front seat together, returning from a place where they never should have been, suddenly having to make up a series of lies to disguise what everybody around them now suspects is the truth. Even if they get away with it, the experience wrecks them, mangles what they had beyond recognition. Or, she goes to his kid's high school graduation ceremony and realizes that it's been 12 years already and that she could have had a kid herself by now, one in the sixth grade.

 

Or it continues. Impossible nights, intolerable weekends, endless violations of everything she knows about how life should be lived, but they have loved each other for so long now, how can it stop? She starts to worry that he'll die of a heart attack and no one will tell her for days because why would anyone think to call and tell her an incidental piece of bad news about some guy she never knew very well? Or she starts to think about her own final moments. This is the worst.

 

She can't believe this is her life. Nobody else would believe it either, even the man. It's a tough, rotten, exhausting routine. Nobody chooses it on purpose. This is not a defense of her: She knows better than you that what she's doing is indefensible. Don't ridicule her, and don't think you don't know her. You do.

[Emme]

As regards the suggestion that he was dating her or that she was a "makeshift wife" during my absence, that is highly improbable. The gifts and the taking him to dinner had taken place during the period in which he was supervising her, as thanks for the support which she had been receiving from him. While it is possible that this continued once she had moved to her next position, it is unlikely in the light of correspondence between them from this period. Of course, I was not party to any pillow talk or verbal exchanges, but unless they both conspired to lay a false trail while conducting a parallel relationship, this would contradict their email exchanges.

 

If it is plausible it’s possible. You said your husband was met with a certain crisis. You still have yet to stipulate what that crisis was. Was he unable to work the microwave for his hungry man dinner? Was he ill and needed a nurse? The omittance of that info is to help you see why she is so connected to him. Did they share something that was so intimate (other than sex) why she now has this attachment and can’t let go.

 

I know you love your husband and even though he might be open with you there is always room for lies. As I said some dialogue had to take place as to her joining the team.

 

Dialogue:

 

Husband: I am lonely and I need more substance.

Wife: Well… Do you want to have sex while we’re apart?

Husband: I was thinking about that but I didn’t want to go into it.

Wife: If this is something that you need then I understand since I’m away.

Husband: I don’t know how to go about this.

Wife: I don’t want you f*cking any prostitutes.

Husband: I know... I don’t want to risk that either. It would have to be someone we know and trust.

Wife: Do you know anyone that we can trust?

Husband: Well _______ is a safe bet. She’s already taken with me and I think she’ll be ok with it.

Wife: Ok so let me know if she’s ok with it.

Husband: Let’s hope she is… love you bye.

Wife: Love you too.

 

That’s the conversation. The problem with that conversation is it’s not entirely honest. The truth is your husband is a predator. He already chose her out as a candidate to f*ck. For all you know he could have been having sex with her before the topic of an open marriage was put on the table.

 

From the moment you guys decided on an open marriage think about how long it took to finalize her being his sex slave. You don’t just pick a person and randomly ask can you be my lover. There was a time frame for manipulation and that takes time, not one day. It’s doesn’t happen in an instant or every man would be getting laid if they approached any woman.

 

She shouldn’t be harassing you and I’m not making excuses for her. All I want you to do is see her perspective and possibly then you can understand where she is coming from. The ball is in his court. It’s his job to deal with her. You were smart with your choice. Be happy it’s only one person harassing you guys and not two.

[alexandria35]

If it is plausible it’s possible. You said your husband was met with a certain crisis. You still have yet to stipulate what that crisis was. Was he unable to work the microwave for his hungry man dinner? Was he ill and needed a nurse? The omittance of that info is to help you see why she is so connected to him. Did they share something that was so intimate (other than sex) why she now has this attachment and can’t let go.

 

I know you love your husband and even though he might be open with you there is always room for lies. As I said some dialogue had to take place as to her joining the team.

 

Dialogue:

 

Husband: I am lonely and I need more substance.

Wife: Well… Do you want to have sex while we’re apart?

Husband: I was thinking about that but I didn’t want to go into it.

Wife: If this is something that you need then I understand since I’m away.

Husband: I don’t know how to go about this.

Wife: I don’t want you f*cking any prostitutes.

Husband: I know... I don’t want to risk that either. It would have to be someone we know and trust.

Wife: Do you know anyone that we can trust?

Husband: Well _______ is a safe bet. She’s already taken with me and I think she’ll be ok with it.

Wife: Ok so let me know if she’s ok with it.

Husband: Let’s hope she is… love you bye.

Wife: Love you too.

 

That’s the conversation. The problem with that conversation is it’s not entirely honest. The truth is your husband is a predator. He already chose her out as a candidate to f*ck. For all you know he could have been having sex with her before the topic of an open marriage was put on the table.

 

From the moment you guys decided on an open marriage think about how long it took to finalize her being his sex slave. You don’t just pick a person and randomly ask can you be my lover. There was a time frame for manipulation and that takes time, not one day. It’s doesn’t happen in an instant or every man would be getting laid if they approached any woman.

 

She shouldn’t be harassing you and I’m not making excuses for her. All I want you to do is see her perspective and possibly then you can understand where she is coming from. The ball is in his court. It’s his job to deal with her. You were smart with your choice. Be happy it’s only one person harassing you guys and not two.

 

WTH??!! Now not only do you know a conversation took place between the OP and her husband regarding this OW, you also know exactly what was said?

 

I haven't seen in the any of the OP's post where she has said that she had any involvement or knowledge of who her husband was sleeping with prior to it happening. If I was married and in the same circumstances as the OP the conversation may have been more along the lines of "well were going to be apart for a few years and it's not reasonable to expect total monogamy so If you feel the need to get that itch scratched go ahead but don't get anyone pregnant and don't get any diseases. Also I don't want to know about it when it's happening." Now I'm not saying that this how the convo went, but it very well could have. You are making huge assumptions that this husband and wife somehow plotted together to pick this poor little OW. I think you should stop harping on that and let the OP tell us how it went.

[Emme]

WTH??!! Now not only do you know a conversation took place between the OP and her husband regarding this OW, you also know exactly what was said?

 

I haven't seen in the any of the OP's post where she has said that she had any involvement or knowledge of who her husband was sleeping with prior to it happening. If I was married and in the same circumstances as the OP the conversation may have been more along the lines of "well were going to be apart for a few years and it's not reasonable to expect total monogamy so If you feel the need to get that itch scratched go ahead but don't get anyone pregnant and don't get any diseases. Also I don't want to know about it when it's happening." Now I'm not saying that this how the convo went, but it very well could have. You are making huge assumptions that this husband and wife somehow plotted together to pick this poor little OW. I think you should stop harping on that and let the OP tell us how it went.

 

That's my interpretation of the phone conversation when "someone" started to discuss an open marriage. She said later the conversation happened before she left.

 

Her first post is well thought out no doubt about it. She conveniently left out information that would truly turn this relationship into more than just a simple f*ck here and there.

 

I missed her post also about her deciding to use her as her husbands dispenser. There was a vote and she was present. According to her. Now that's important information that shouldn't have been left out of the original post.

 

Her second post if you missed it.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3677338&postcount=10