Husband who lies about stuff

[Kate]

I've been married for 18 months. I'm 38 he's 53. When I met my husband he had several "friends" online who had helped him get over a previous divorce, I met him much later. When I moved in with him he was still chatting with these women, I asked him to stop, as I considered them old girlfriends, he'd had cybersex with them, met them etc, etc. One woman in particular we will call M a woman who didn't want to leave her husband. Anyway we had a fight he agreed not to have anymore contact with these "friends". We got engaged and about 2 months later our printer gets stuck, I go to the computer to see what's wrong, up on screen behind the error messages is a message from him to M, saying I'd be at my class and he'd be online to talk w/her, very flirty note. Again, we had a fight and he agreed not to talk w/her. Then, we marry and move and again, I see another letter to her from him. I was SSOOOOO upset, I felt that he was putting her over me, making me feel like number 2, to make things worse, if she was such a good friend why didn't he tell her we'd gotten engaged & married? Why, because he's keeping her on the side. Anyway after the last time, I told him I was going to leave, he went ballistic and told me he'd Never, Ever talk to her again, he loved me, etc, etc, Well a year has passed and I checked his email at work, looking for my stepdaughter's email address, and what do you think, he's writing to her. I don't understand what's going on, I had a major tantrum, that night, I left him at his office and didn't let him come home. I don't trust him & I can't live looking over my shoulder. I told him I needed some time to think about our marriage and I'd decide what I was going to do. I want him to never talk to her again, but I don't trust him to do that, he said there's nothing going on, as long as he's not having sex it shouldn't matter (?). He said he loved talking to her and really missed that, and that sometimes he can't talk with me. I was almost tempted to call her, but don't want to look like the jealous wife (which unfortunately I am). Sorry this is so long. Anyway I'm going to a therapist tomorrow with him but I feel like telling the therapist I want out of the marriage, I can't stand lies.

 

Any input would be welcome

[Jenna]

You are taking a step in the right direction here- by seeking professional help. I would imagine that the first thing your therapist will do (or one of the first things) is find out why your husband feels the need to keep in contact with this other woman- because there is a reason. I think he may have already disclosed it to you though- when he said that he sometimes can't talk to you. You and your husband are going to have to focus on the reasons why he feels that he can not share things with you. You may not be making yourself available to him- or at least not in a positive and open manner. Please- do not get me wrong here- this is not an excuse for marital infidelity- but rather a "reason" for his behavior. He is lying about the correspondence because he knows you disapprove- which takes us back to my earlier statements about making a committment to; "Never do anything that would upset or hurt your mate. Always take your mate's feelings into consideration before doing ANYTHING- and when in doubt about it- consult with them"

 

Once your husband's attention is focused on his marriage and you- and he is witness to the wonderful things that will happen when he makes YOU his number one priority- his need for this other woman will no longer exist.

 

You will also need to identify what HIS other needs are- we already know that he has a great need for conversation- you will have to make sure that YOU are the one to meet that need. I firmly believe that people do not stray from their marriages when their emotional needs are being met by their spouses. Again- not an excuse- and I am certainly not trying to lay blame- but if you think about what I have written- with an open mind- you will see the point I am trying to make.

 

Your husband will also be faced with the task of rebuilding trust between you- something your therapist will also guide you through together.

 

Keep and open mind- strangely enough it sounds like your husband truly loves you and wants to make it work- but just doesn't have the skills to do so yet. And you seem to care about him as well- so don't give up- and don't stop seeing your therapist until you know that you can sustain a healthy marriage on your own.

 

Good Luck- Jenna

I've been married for 18 months. I'm 38 he's 53. When I met my husband he had several "friends" online who had helped him get over a previous divorce, I met him much later. When I moved in with him he was still chatting with these women, I asked him to stop, as I considered them old girlfriends, he'd had cybersex with them, met them etc, etc. One woman in particular we will call M a woman who didn't want to leave her husband. Anyway we had a fight he agreed not to have anymore contact with these "friends". We got engaged and about 2 months later our printer gets stuck, I go to the computer to see what's wrong, up on screen behind the error messages is a message from him to M, saying I'd be at my class and he'd be online to talk w/her, very flirty note. Again, we had a fight and he agreed not to talk w/her. Then, we marry and move and again, I see another letter to her from him. I was SSOOOOO upset, I felt that he was putting her over me, making me feel like number 2, to make things worse, if she was such a good friend why didn't he tell her we'd gotten engaged & married? Why, because he's keeping her on the side. Anyway after the last time, I told him I was going to leave, he went ballistic and told me he'd Never, Ever talk to her again, he loved me, etc, etc, Well a year has passed and I checked his email at work, looking for my stepdaughter's email address, and what do you think, he's writing to her. I don't understand what's going on, I had a major tantrum, that night, I left him at his office and didn't let him come home. I don't trust him & I can't live looking over my shoulder. I told him I needed some time to think about our marriage and I'd decide what I was going to do. I want him to never talk to her again, but I don't trust him to do that, he said there's nothing going on, as long as he's not having sex it shouldn't matter (?). He said he loved talking to her and really missed that, and that sometimes he can't talk with me. I was almost tempted to call her, but don't want to look like the jealous wife (which unfortunately I am). Sorry this is so long. Anyway I'm going to a therapist tomorrow with him but I feel like telling the therapist I want out of the marriage, I can't stand lies. Any input would be welcome

[Tony T]

I think it's pretty sad that you have to invest in a therapist to find out why a 53 year of man does not have enough self-discipline to break it off with a penpal after you have insisted he do so and he agreed.

 

I'm not sure there is anything deeply psychological here. I just think it's a plain case of his wanting to keep in touch with this lady and not wanting you to know.

 

Your lack of trust is justified. However, instead of a therapist, I would hire a private detective to see if the matter has gone beyond the chat and emal stage. If it has, then you have a REAL problem.

 

I just hope this all works out. It's so sad when relationships that are otherwise very nice have to break up over something like this.

 

P.S. A 53-year-old man is very set in his ways and is very used to his privacy. He may be having a very difficult time adjusting to the requirements of married life. Your therapist may ask you to be patient with him....and give him a swift kick in the butt!!!

[Deejette]

He has been lying to you so much, I wonder if you will ever be able to trust him again, or feel that you are really number one in his life. I, personally, would not put up with this behavior.

 

He may be getting a secret thrill from sneaking around. The thrill will be gone when you leave him and he may beg you to come back. But it is never good to feel that you are not the highest relationship on his list of priorities. And if he stops just because you are having a fit, that is not a motivation that is coming from his heart.

 

I don't think you are to blame in this situation. He is just using that excuse, that he can't talk to you! Very convenient: Blame the innocent party.

I think it's pretty sad that you have to invest in a therapist to find out why a 53 year of man does not have enough self-discipline to break it off with a penpal after you have insisted he do so and he agreed. I'm not sure there is anything deeply psychological here. I just think it's a plain case of his wanting to keep in touch with this lady and not wanting you to know. Your lack of trust is justified. However, instead of a therapist, I would hire a private detective to see if the matter has gone beyond the chat and emal stage. If it has, then you have a REAL problem. I just hope this all works out. It's so sad when relationships that are otherwise very nice have to break up over something like this. P.S. A 53-year-old man is very set in his ways and is very used to his privacy. He may be having a very difficult time adjusting to the requirements of married life. Your therapist may ask you to be patient with him....and give him a swift kick in the butt!!!