Married 16 yrs today and something's not right

[Shiloh 2011]

Hi Shiloh,

 

You and I are similar. Both business women, both married to men who are academic geniuses doing great things for humanity, at least that's their goal. I'm separated now - something you are considering. But you've been married 16 years to my 3. That's special and worth checking again to see if you aren't just going through a phase.

 

You have had a lot of stress and sorrow recently. You have no job right now. Your life has changed very much and left you feeling out of control. Sickness and death can do that to you. You seem like the kind of person who is usually in control of your environment. I was the same. Life has a way of knocking you on the head really hard. Most times you can deal with it. But once in a while it can all be too much. Am I right in thinking that you need to be in control again? Did you make a choice at some point in the last 2 1/2 years to change your life? Usually that's a good thing. The problem seems to be that you have lost a lot and therefore can't change that. Instead you are trying to change what you still have. Seeing a shrink was a good idea but the one you picked sounds, to be polite, a bit too invested in the death of your M. I hate shrinks. I'm African and the two shrinks I saw in NY were so off that I swore off psychology forever. Get a second opinion on your marriage from another shrink. I'm sure his/her opinion will not be as discouraging.

 

Change the things you can change. Prioritize. Your kids are important to you. By extension so is their father. You can always get a divorce if thats what you want. But you cant mend a M that you have thrown away. So:

 

1. OM a.k.a. Mr. Fantasy is a big no-no. He is like the devil on your left shoulder telling you to jump off a cliff and see if you can fly. Take him out of the equation. There's nothing there. Throw him out. Don't worry about the pain. You can handle it. After all, you haven't done anything with him yet, right?

 

2. Get a job. Someone said that and I think that's great advice. This will give you a sense of control. I know staying home all day would drive me crazy. Having nothing to do will make you look for dust in places where it isn't.

 

3. Listen to what your husband is telling you. You said he said he doesn't like you. He didn't say he doesn't love you. Why doesn't he like you? Ask him to tell you what happened or what he thinks has changed about you. Sometimes when people are stressed they change in many ways. Someone posted a rude opinion about you earlier. I don't agree with that person but I think in there somewhere was a good point. Your H doesn't like the way you talk to him. You said you're straight forward. Well, he may disagree with that description. Ask him for specifics. What is it he doesn't like all of a sudden? He couldn't have stayed with you all these years not liking you. No. There's something he's trying to tell you. Maybe your behavior changed. Perhaps your lack of respect for him is reflected in how you talk to him and treat him. You may be surprised to hear what he has to say.

 

Don't underestimate the toll that the death of your father has had on you. Your child's illness and your job loss. With all that, you could simply be hating your life as a whole and the only people you can take it out on is your family. Don't start by changing what you have. Start with what you don't have.

 

I wish all the best for you and that you find yourself again. I hope that you can make some personal changes that give you some fulfillment before embarking on unravelling the rest of your life.

 

Thanks. That is very kind of you to take the time and write all those thoughtful comments. It's very insightful.

 

Perhaps I should have posted this earlier, but here's another element I think is weighing on the marriage: my success. When I met my husband, I was in a normal post-college job, nothing special. Now, however, with his help, I have attained quite a bit more success in business than either of us ever expected. He's told me outright he resents the time I am away from the family, which can be significant; he doesn't like the people in our wealthy enclave; and quite frankly, I think it's a big blow to his ego that I make more than he does (or, at least I used to). In the later stages of my most recent job, he shut down, not really helping with the kids or the household at all, to the point where our kids' progress in school was deteriorating.

 

In a nutshell, I think he wants his pre-success wife back and I, in turn, feel like I have to give up on being the best I can be if I am to keep this relationship. Can a wife/mother both self-realize and meet the needs of her family at the same time?

[2sunny]

you shouldn't have to give up on a job you excel at and love to keep him happy. don't settle.

 

you can hire in help with the house and tutors if you have the money.

 

you can't however - figure that your attention is with another man and have focused attention on your husband. it's like trying to stoke two fires at the same time - they can't both be awesome fires burning because one is always likely to be dwindling.

 

If you want the M to work - you need to focus all of your romantic interest and attention to your husband.

 

you can't have both and do them both well - someone always gets short changed - and they can feel that something is just "off".

[findingnemo]

Thanks. That is very kind of you to take the time and write all those thoughtful comments. It's very insightful.

 

Perhaps I should have posted this earlier, but here's another element I think is weighing on the marriage: my success. When I met my husband, I was in a normal post-college job, nothing special. Now, however, with his help, I have attained quite a bit more success in business than either of us ever expected. He's told me outright he resents the time I am away from the family, which can be significant; he doesn't like the people in our wealthy enclave; and quite frankly, I think it's a big blow to his ego that I make more than he does (or, at least I used to). In the later stages of my most recent job, he shut down, not really helping with the kids or the household at all, to the point where our kids' progress in school was deteriorating.

 

In a nutshell, I think he wants his pre-success wife back and I, in turn, feel like I have to give up on being the best I can be if I am to keep this relationship. Can a wife/mother both self-realize and meet the needs of her family at the same time?[/QUOTE]

 

Oh dear. You have brought up an issue which plagues many couples. The refusal of one to support and encourage the other in their chosen field. Yes, a wife and mother can become whatever she wants to be. But she usually needs the support of her H and her kids to do this.

 

What kind of person is your H, his character? Is he selfish generally? Is he ambitious and self confident? What did he do to help you reach where you are? If he is selfish and timid, then his attitude towards your career will never change. If he was not always jealous of you and even helped you achieve this, then there is hope. Did he change?

 

Your question about whether you are allowed to go for what you want is telling. You need fulfillment. You must go back to work a.s.a.p. Oh, you should also spend more time with your friends. Before you walk out of your home, start building up your life outside of it. This will give you time to figure things out and will boost your self-esteem. Whether you leave or stay, you need to get your groove back. A happier you will make better decisions because you'll see things more clearly.

[Shiloh 2011]

What kind of person is your H, his character? Is he selfish generally? Is he ambitious and self confident? What did he do to help you reach where you are? If he is selfish and timid, then his attitude towards your career will never change. If he was not always jealous of you and even helped you achieve this, then there is hope. Did he change?

 

Is he selfish? Not really. Ambitious? No. Self-confident? Not at all.

 

He encouraged me to apply and paid for my graduate school >15 years ago.

 

His simmering restment didn't start until about 3 years ago, when my career really started to take off, which also coincided with a much bigger house, nicer cars, etc.

 

He's never been super-helpful around the house with things like picking up, laundry, etc. but as I travelled more and therefore relied more on him to manage the household, he seemed to go the other way, becoming less helpful. I think it was a form of protest.

 

BTW - we, to this day, employ a full time housekeeper, nanny, cook, and gardener. When the kids were younger we had *two* full time nannies. So it's not like finding time to help the kids with homework should be a huge burden for him!

[2sunny]

You may need to explain to him what you expect. If he doesn't want to DO what you expect you can hire someone to do homework. If you don't like how he's participating orbit participating - you can make your decision based on whether he changes, or not...

[Lucky_One]

A nanny, a cook, a housekeeper and a gardener?

 

And you are not working.

 

No wonder you have all day long to moon after a married man. You have zero purpose right now, nothing that fires your imagination or your skills. The only thing firing your imagination is a man that you don't really know but you have romanticized into being the great love of your life.

 

You need to find a serious, important, project. How about become a reading volunteer at your kid's school? Or call Social Services, and offer to be in charge of your county's program for distributing Christmas gifts for less fortunate children?

 

Seriously. You must be miserable just from being unstimulated mentally. A miserable woman will not be able to find happiness in anything, much less a troubled marriage.

[Shiloh 2011]

A nanny, a cook, a housekeeper and a gardener?

 

And you are not working.

 

No wonder you have all day long to moon after a married man. You have zero purpose right now, nothing that fires your imagination or your skills. The only thing firing your imagination is a man that you don't really know but you have romanticized into being the great love of your life.

 

You need to find a serious, important, project. How about become a reading volunteer at your kid's school? Or call Social Services, and offer to be in charge of your county's program for distributing Christmas gifts for less fortunate children?

 

Seriously. You must be miserable just from being unstimulated mentally. A miserable woman will not be able to find happiness in anything, much less a troubled marriage.

 

My marital problems pre-dated me resigning from my job. Being home has helped, not hurt, the relationship.

[Lucky_One]

So having all this free time when you have zero to do with your life has helped you forget about the MM?

[Leegh]

Obviously, as everyone knows, our brains control how we feel. When an individual has fallen out of love with a person, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to rekindle the romantic feelings and fall back in love with that person. The brain chemicals for romantic love are not being activated for that person anymore. It's biology, and we can't help it. Speaking for myself, when I would feel like I was "acting", in a relationship, pretending like I liked him, being pleasant, etc., (but my heart wasn't in it anymore) it was very draining. I have truly been happier being around my cat, than with some of the men I have known. Sometimes a vacation alone (even for a week-end) can give some clarity as to how to proceed.

[Shiloh 2011]

So having all this free time when you have zero to do with your life has helped you forget about the MM?

 

No, counseling and people writing insightful comments on this site have helped.

[Shiloh 2011]

Obviously, as everyone knows, our brains control how we feel. When an individual has fallen out of love with a person, it is very difficult, if not impossible, to rekindle the romantic feelings and fall back in love with that person. The brain chemicals for romantic love are not being activated for that person anymore. It's biology, and we can't help it. Speaking for myself, when I would feel like I was "acting", in a relationship, pretending like I liked him, being pleasant, etc., (but my heart wasn't in it anymore) it was very draining. I have truly been happier being around my cat, than with some of the men I have known. Sometimes a vacation alone (even for a week-end) can give some clarity as to how to proceed.

 

Draining - yes, that's the right word. Thank you.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

The only thing I will counter you on is the co-worker attraction. Have you ever experienced love at first sight? It's a terrifying, overwhelming and spiritual experience.

 

I remember the moment I fell in love with my H, he was walking towards me at a party (we were already dating) and I thought: this is it. I am going to marry him.

 

I had that same feeling about the co-worker, but it was STRONGER than the moment I fell in love with my H. The series of thoughts that popped into my head were myriad ("There is someone more important to me than my H", "I am being called home", "I am going to marry him", "He will never leave his wife") and they ended with the thought "I am never going to be happy again." It was such a flood of emotion - I have a hard time believing I will ever experience something like that again, and I sincerely hope I never do. And all this emotion happened as I was standing far across a large, crowded room from him...

 

In fact, I have experienced "love at first sight." The first time, I saw a man across a crowd at a night club where I worked. We had eye contact and it was a "done deal." The relationship ended up being obsessive and abusive. The second time was with my current husband. I almost felt "love at first look at his picture," since we "met" online. This one was not intense like a tsunami or anything, it was just more like a quiet but pervasive "YES." But we were both looking for each other, and we were both in the position in life to grow something out of the "feeling."

 

I will tell you what you already know, because you are a mature adult woman.

 

Those feelings can have "legs," if nurtured (for the better, or for the worst) but they can also be left behind, for real.

 

You are really describing an overwhelming infatuation. It might have meaning, if allowed to play out. And, it might be nothing more than a place to hang your fantasies.

 

You'll argue, but I am sure that there are plenty of people who have felt that exact same feeling when looking at a movie star on the screen or at a performer on the stage.

 

You certainly can choose to discount and distance yourself from this feeling for your former co-worker. Your insistence that the feeling you experienced has to be "the real thing" is stubborn and self defeating. It's a feeling. Not a cosmic signal about your future. You'll have to discipline yourself against fantasies featuring him as your "one true love," which you are currently playing with constantly.

 

Even if you weren't married, I would hope you could wrap your mind around that, since the object of your feeling is married himself.

[Shiloh 2011]

In fact, I have experienced "love at first sight." The first time, I saw a man across a crowd at a night club where I worked. We had eye contact and it was a "done deal." The relationship ended up being obsessive and abusive. The second time was with my current husband. I almost felt "love at first look at his picture," since we "met" online. This one was not intense like a tsunami or anything, it was just more like a quiet but pervasive "YES." But we were both looking for each other, and we were both in the position in life to grow something out of the "feeling."

 

I will tell you what you already know, because you are a mature adult woman.

 

Those feelings can have "legs," if nurtured (for the better, or for the worst) but they can also be left behind, for real.

 

You are really describing an overwhelming infatuation. It might have meaning, if allowed to play out. And, it might be nothing more than a place to hang your fantasies.

 

You'll argue, but I am sure that there are plenty of people who have felt that exact same feeling when looking at a movie star on the screen or at a performer on the stage.

 

You certainly can choose to discount and distance yourself from this feeling for your former co-worker. Your insistence that the feeling you experienced has to be "the real thing" is stubborn and self defeating. It's a feeling. Not a cosmic signal about your future. You'll have to discipline yourself against fantasies featuring him as your "one true love," which you are currently playing with constantly.

 

Even if you weren't married, I would hope you could wrap your mind around that, since the object of your feeling is married himself.

 

Great post.

 

I understand your point and I am certainly not contemplating D based on the potential for someone else. Indeed, I gave up a great career, in part, to get away from the OM.

 

But I also see the attraction to the OM as a symptom, not a cause. Someone else posted that the OM probably awoke feelings that I hadn't felt for a long time - that's exactly right. Something was wrong in my M and for whatever reason this OM attraction brought it into the daylight. Maybe that was his purpose in my life. I still have to figure out what to do from here. My H is a great guy and I love him, but the relationship is draining me.