Married 16 yrs today and something's not right

[OpenBook]

Milfin, you aren't by any chance Shiloh's H are you?

[whichwayisup]

Milfin, you aren't by any chance Shiloh's H are you?

 

This guy joined LS first, so I doubt it's her husband.

 

I used the term 'falling on my sword' because the reality is that I don't want to be married to my H anymore (nor him to me), if that isn't already abundantly obvious.

 

If you both truly feel this way, then divorce. You both can be wonderful parents apart, two different households and have a happy and healthy functioning kids. Sure it won't be easy and they will be big adjustments and changes for you all, but maybe you two are better off as 'friends' being mom and dad apart than a couple under one roof. Your kids see the dynamic between you two and to them, that's their "norm." Meaning, later in life they will compare relationships to what they know and saw growing up. Better for them to see a common bond and respect apart than no respect and resentment up close daily.

 

DO family counselling if a D is going to happen.

 

However, I am holding off taking any action other than to try to make this work because a) of the kids and b) because people like you who've been through this, and counselors who see a lot of troubled marriages, tell me that it's a better path to try to make it work.

 

Yes this is true, as long as both you and your husband work together to become closer and learn to communicate and listen to one another.

[Leegh]

Interesting posts.

 

They say more about you than they do about me.

I agree. In addition, I think MilfinBerle would make a terrible therapist.

Off the subject a little, one thing that has helped me with life in general over the years is to eliminate caffeine, it took me 60 days of gradually cutting back a little every day. Also, there is a great new book called "The Beauty Detox Solution" by Kimberly Snyder. Her website is www.KimberlySnyder.net. I bought her book about two months ago, and have been following a lot of her suggestions in the book, and I have more energy. Being in top physical shape health-wise can help tremendously with life's problems.

[analystfromhell]

If my last post was of any help.... During those 17 years I did go astray- several times. You know what it solved? Nothing. Nothing at all. It didn't result in a happier marriage (obviously), there was no boost to my career or even internal happiness. Please, for the sake of yourself try to leave those urges for the OM behind. It's likely they are just that, urges- pure instinctual urges. That sort of passion is great. For a while then it turns empty and ugly. Really, it does every time.

 

Your kids are what- are any of them tweens or in high school? How would you like them to approach their first relationship?

 

Regardless, they, as you have said, sense what's going on and know you are together not because of any work or desire on you or your husband's part but rather out of finances, fear or loneliness, social conventions or whatever. These are all synonyms for "for the children" in my experience.

 

Please go to your husband and your children, make a HUGE fantastic meal for them and tell them you love them. Then, see if you can find an individual therapist not to work on your marriage but to help with your own happiness. Maybe a part time job since that seems to be important to your self-image. But please, relax and try to find happiness where you are (it sounds like it's there someplace, under the debris) before pushing it away in favor of the unknown. The unknown is not bad, but it's not necessarily better either.

 

Also, if those other couples are about your age it's likely a few of them have gone through what you are going through. Are you close enough to discuss this level of personal conflict with any of those friends? It can help just to talk with them. Don't worry about gossip, worry about your marriage and relationships.

[2sunny]

The fantasy of this man is taking up too much space in your head... It's best to remove it while you sift through your M issues and find what may make you happy with a clear mind- not one that is skewed with this fantasy. I think it's important to find out why YOU would consider having an affair...what is missing in the M, and IF you can have what you desire within the M. If not after counseling - then divorce. I wouldn't suggest you see OM until the D is final. He may not be interested- but IF he is,then at least you're offering yourself to a man as available. Never settle! Everyone deserves to be happy!

[oldshirt]

My take on this is going to be different than many of the other posters but please read it anyway.

 

First off, I think this whole infatuation with the coworker is nothing more than a redherring on your other issues. You haven't felt a "spark" in a long time and now that someone you find attractive batted an eye at you, you are feeling the rush of attraction and chemistry like a young school girl again.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know it's powerfull but it is just a chemical reaction and you going to feel that over and over again in the upcoming months and years. Feeling that "rush" with someone new is something that stays with us untill the shovels of dirt are thrown on our grave.

 

He's just a handsome dude that makes your Jay-Jay tingle and it hasn't tingled in a long time and you are just hung up on it. This guy isn't "the one" he's just a handsome, sexy man that happen to activate some circuits that have been dormant for a long time. Get over it for now because you have some bigger fish to fry.

 

What is at issue here is you and your husband are disengaging and it is happening incrementally each and every day. At your current rate you ARE heading for an affair(s) (both you and your husband) and you ARE heading for divorce and you ARE heading for some pain, bitterness, disappointment and your kids ARE heading towards the pain and disruption of a broken home.

 

The fact that you are going down this road currently is undesputable. The question is what to do about it and how to handle it in a manner that causes the least amount of pain and hardship for everyone involved.

 

What needs to be at the top of your priority list is to get into competent, professional counseling RIGHT NOW. Couseling may not "save your marriage" and perhaps the marriage should NOT be saved. Maybe it is over and time to dissolve it but what you need to do is explore every reasonable avenue and exhaust every effort to minimize pain and suffering.

 

If it turns out you two should be together and your marriage can be saved it will be through counseling at this point, you are both too far gone to do it on your own.

 

But if your marriage can not (or should not) be saved, counseling will help you work out the details and the issues so that the pain and suffering everyone will experience will be kept as low as possible.

 

Your goal at this point should be damage control and finding the options and tactics which will result in the least net damage to everyone.

[Shiloh 2011]

My take on this is going to be different than many of the other posters but please read it anyway.

 

First off, I think this whole infatuation with the coworker is nothing more than a redherring on your other issues. You haven't felt a "spark" in a long time and now that someone you find attractive batted an eye at you, you are feeling the rush of attraction and chemistry like a young school girl again.

 

Don't get me wrong, I know it's powerfull but it is just a chemical reaction and you going to feel that over and over again in the upcoming months and years. Feeling that "rush" with someone new is something that stays with us untill the shovels of dirt are thrown on our grave.

 

He's just a handsome dude that makes your Jay-Jay tingle and it hasn't tingled in a long time and you are just hung up on it. This guy isn't "the one" he's just a handsome, sexy man that happen to activate some circuits that have been dormant for a long time. Get over it for now because you have some bigger fish to fry.

 

What is at issue here is you and your husband are disengaging and it is happening incrementally each and every day. At your current rate you ARE heading for an affair(s) (both you and your husband) and you ARE heading for divorce and you ARE heading for some pain, bitterness, disappointment and your kids ARE heading towards the pain and disruption of a broken home.

 

The fact that you are going down this road currently is undesputable. The question is what to do about it and how to handle it in a manner that causes the least amount of pain and hardship for everyone involved.

 

What needs to be at the top of your priority list is to get into competent, professional counseling RIGHT NOW. Couseling may not "save your marriage" and perhaps the marriage should NOT be saved. Maybe it is over and time to dissolve it but what you need to do is explore every reasonable avenue and exhaust every effort to minimize pain and suffering.

 

If it turns out you two should be together and your marriage can be saved it will be through counseling at this point, you are both too far gone to do it on your own.

 

But if your marriage can not (or should not) be saved, counseling will help you work out the details and the issues so that the pain and suffering everyone will experience will be kept as low as possible.

 

Your goal at this point should be damage control and finding the options and tactics which will result in the least net damage to everyone.

 

This is really very helpful. Thank you very much for writing.

[Shiloh 2011]

If my last post was of any help.... During those 17 years I did go astray- several times. You know what it solved? Nothing. Nothing at all. It didn't result in a happier marriage (obviously), there was no boost to my career or even internal happiness. Please, for the sake of yourself try to leave those urges for the OM behind. It's likely they are just that, urges- pure instinctual urges. That sort of passion is great. For a while then it turns empty and ugly. Really, it does every time.

 

Your kids are what- are any of them tweens or in high school? How would you like them to approach their first relationship?

 

Regardless, they, as you have said, sense what's going on and know you are together not because of any work or desire on you or your husband's part but rather out of finances, fear or loneliness, social conventions or whatever. These are all synonyms for "for the children" in my experience.

 

Please go to your husband and your children, make a HUGE fantastic meal for them and tell them you love them. Then, see if you can find an individual therapist not to work on your marriage but to help with your own happiness. Maybe a part time job since that seems to be important to your self-image. But please, relax and try to find happiness where you are (it sounds like it's there someplace, under the debris) before pushing it away in favor of the unknown. The unknown is not bad, but it's not necessarily better either.

 

Also, if those other couples are about your age it's likely a few of them have gone through what you are going through. Are you close enough to discuss this level of personal conflict with any of those friends? It can help just to talk with them. Don't worry about gossip, worry about your marriage and relationships.

 

Thanks for the insights, once again.

 

To be clear, I have never and would never have an affair. I couldn't live with the associated lies.

 

My kids are early grade-school aged, so not that many divorces around my social circles.

 

Believe it or not, I tell my H I love him every day, because I do love him. Funny thing though, the counselor told me (direct quote) "love is just the starting point".

 

Based on what you and all the others have told me over the past few days, I know that I need to try harder to save the marriage and gain some respect back for my H. And then, as you say, to try to find some peace and happiness in my current situation.

[Shiloh 2011]

The fantasy of this man is taking up too much space in your head... It's best to remove it while you sift through your M issues and find what may make you happy with a clear mind- not one that is skewed with this fantasy. I think it's important to find out why YOU would consider having an affair...what is missing in the M, and IF you can have what you desire within the M. If not after counseling - then divorce. I wouldn't suggest you see OM until the D is final. He may not be interested- but IF he is,then at least you're offering yourself to a man as available. Never settle! Everyone deserves to be happy!

 

Yes, everyone does deserve to be happy. Thank you for writing.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I don't know that you are incompatible. All couples have differences, and it doesn't mean they are incompatible.

 

Some couples have more differences than others.

 

This marriage sounds to me like one of these children's toys whereby the child has to push an object with a certain shape in that entrance of a box with the same shape.

You cannot push a square through a round hole and a round hole through a square-shaped hole.

Sometimes you are simply too different. Since you still have young kids I guess you met each other when you were quite young. When we get older we often know better who were are and what we need. Maybe the relationship of you and your H has had its time. If you are not compatible enough, there is no trick which will make the relationship sparkle.

 

Imagine how it would be to be together with someone who is more like you, who wants more of the things you want.

 

I respect the fact that you have not engaged in an A despite having fallen in love with someone else. I also notice that you take the wellbeing of your children into account.

But at the end of the day, I think YOU have to be happy. And if you are happy, your children will also be happy.

 

A marriage is not a life sentence.

[Shiloh 2011]

Some couples have more differences than others.

 

This marriage sounds to me like one of these children's toys whereby the child has to push an object with a certain shape in that entrance of a box with the same shape.

You cannot push a square through a round hole and a round hole through a square-shaped hole.

Sometimes you are simply too different. Since you still have young kids I guess you met each other when you were quite young. When we get older we often know better who were are and what we need. Maybe the relationship of you and your H has had its time. If you are not compatible enough, there is no trick which will make the relationship sparkle.

 

Imagine how it would be to be together with someone who is more like you, who wants more of the things you want.

 

I respect the fact that you have not engaged in an A despite having fallen in love with someone else. I also notice that you take the wellbeing of your children into account.

But at the end of the day, I think YOU have to be happy. And if you are happy, your children will also be happy.

 

A marriage is not a life sentence.

 

We weren't that young when we got married; we started having children late.

 

The problem is, when you're married you don't have the opportunity to explore other options, so how do you know if someone else is more compatible, even if your gut tells you he might be?

 

This may sound weird but I am increasingly thinking that maybe the test of a marriage should be based on a 'preponderence of emotion', like a legal test for 'preponderence of evidence' i.e. if your positive emotions from the union outweigh the negative ones, then you're probably in the right place. If not, then a D is probably in order.

 

The trick is, can you sway your emotions one way or another? And over what time frame to you measure them because nothing is ever static.

 

Thanks for chiming in.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Milfin, you aren't by any chance Shiloh's H are you?

 

No, that's just our entertaining hydra.

 

I believe that you are NOT "madly in love" with your coworker, and agree that you are projecting your hopes about "feeling" love onto this attraction.

 

It sounds just like a typical infatuation of the type that seems to happen frequently when a primary relationship is in trouble, or during "midlife crisis" times, and which often turn into unfulfilling and damaging extramarital affairs.

 

I'm pretty sure you've rejected the "advice" to explore that attraction at this time out of hand … I hope so. Exploring an intense attraction is completely inappropriate for anyone who is married.

 

My advice is to give your marriage one last big try, since you seem to be inclined that way already. I don't believe that you are necessarily incompatible. Your descriptions of you and your husband express a lot of good basis for common ground. DO tell your husband about the coworker - I hope, in a counseling environment.

 

If your efforts do not work, I think it's better to divorce and find a creative, positive way to interact and share with regards to parenting your children than it is to stay together, unhappy and emotionally detached, for 10 years or any amount of time for "their sake."

[Shiloh 2011]

I believe that you are NOT "madly in love" with your coworker, and agree that you are projecting your hopes about "feeling" love onto this attraction.

 

It sounds just like a typical infatuation of the type that seems to happen frequently when a primary relationship is in trouble, or during "midlife crisis" times, and which often turn into unfulfilling and damaging extramarital affairs.

 

I'm pretty sure you've rejected the "advice" to explore that attraction at this time out of hand … I hope so. Exploring an intense attraction is completely inappropriate for anyone who is married.

 

My advice is to give your marriage one last big try, since you seem to be inclined that way already. I don't believe that you are necessarily incompatible. Your descriptions of you and your husband express a lot of good basis for common ground. DO tell your husband about the coworker - I hope, in a counseling environment.

 

If your efforts do not work, I think it's better to divorce and find a creative, positive way to interact and share with regards to parenting your children than it is to stay together, unhappy and emotionally detached, for 10 years or any amount of time for "their sake."

 

One last big try: yes, thanks. That's great advice.

 

The only thing I will counter you on is the co-worker attraction. Have you ever experienced love at first sight? It's a terrifying, overwhelming and spiritual experience.

 

I remember the moment I fell in love with my H, he was walking towards me at a party (we were already dating) and I thought: this is it. I am going to marry him.

 

I had that same feeling about the co-worker, but it was STRONGER than the moment I fell in love with my H. The series of thoughts that popped into my head were myriad ("There is someone more important to me than my H", "I am being called home", "I am going to marry him", "He will never leave his wife") and they ended with the thought "I am never going to be happy again." It was such a flood of emotion - I have a hard time believing I will ever experience something like that again, and I sincerely hope I never do. And all this emotion happened as I was standing far across a large, crowded room from him...

[2sure]

You are not the down to earth stay at home mom type. Neither am I.

I have stayed home, and I became someone else, someone not fulfilled in the way that I personally need - I require competition. For those of us that are hard wired for competition...without it, we compete and compare with our spouses and partners.

 

Go back to work. Find some other way to eat people alive because doing it to your husband has emotionally drained and disconnected him and has made him boring to you.

 

Just a thought.

[Shiloh 2011]

 

Go back to work. Find some other way to eat people alive because doing it to your husband has emotionally drained and disconnected him and has made him boring to you.

 

 

 

Wow, that is really insightful. Thank you so much.

[reboot]

Your entire stance on this is nothing more than a cop out. Your husband and your marriage have grown boring, and some other guy you barely know has made your naughty places tingle. I bet you felt that way about your husband once. But what the hell, it's a fast food world out there isn't it? Damn our commitments, damn our families, the children will be fine. Everyone says so after all.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but I was on the other side once.

[Chi townD]

Wow, your husband is me! Sorta...University Professor but PhD in the Health Sciences...and a lot of the same attributes.

 

When was the last time you and your husband took a vacation where it was just the TWO of you? My guess is not in quite some time. You need to reconnect with each other.

 

First off, your counselor sucks... But, I have a feeling that your lives have become painfully routine. Wake up! Go to work! Get home! Take care of the kids! Off to bed! Repeat next day! I'm guessing that your husband hasn't done anything romantic in a while either. And I'm sure you haven't really done anything to make him feel special as well. You need to talk to him about it, and let him open up about his feelings on the matter. Tell him what you think is wrong and have a COUPLE of solutions on how you think that it may help to fix it, or listen to his suggestion on what may help to rectify the problem. Because if you come at him with what you feel is wrong without possible solutions, then all you're doing is bitchin at him and it goes out the window as far as he's concerned. Make a plan to go on a getaway vacation for just the two of you. Have the Grandparents watch the kids! Let them spoil them rotten! This is a time for you to reconnect with your husband, to rekindle that spark! Find it! It was there once, and it's still there...it's just hidden by day to day responsiblities.

 

The OM is NOT the answer! AT ALL!!! It's a lustful infatuation that can and WILL destroy your family if you let it! Kids aren't stupid, they'll figure out you left their Dad for this OM and they'll still love you, but they'll also have a lot less respect for you and chances are they will NEVER fully accept the OM as part of their lives. They will be hurt and there's nothing you can say or do that's going to make them feel any better about the situation. I don't want to make you feel bad about it; however, it is what it is. Plus, realtionships that start from an affair hardly ever make it in the long term. Most end within months or a couple of years. Only 14-17% actually make it long term. And here's the rub. You are having an affair! You're emotionally giving yourself away to this OM and he's doesn't really know it. Or perhaps he does and he flirts back with you. You're giving away your feelings and emotions to this other guy when they should be focused toward your husband. You think I'm wrong? If you went to work tomorrow and you found out he quit effective immediately, you would probably be devastated and a little heart broken.

 

You and your husband need to get away and start to rebuild the love that you once had. It's there, you just have to find it. Go somewhere both of you always wanted to go and just...go!

[Shiloh 2011]

Your entire stance on this is nothing more than a cop out. Your husband and your marriage have grown boring, and some other guy you barely know has made your naughty places tingle. I bet you felt that way about your husband once. But what the hell, it's a fast food world out there isn't it? Damn our commitments, damn our families, the children will be fine. Everyone says so after all.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but I was on the other side once.

 

No worries, I appreciate the bluntness. In my defense, I haven't had an affair, not in any sense. I barely talk to OM. In fact, I have purposedly turned away from him on several occasions. But it's hard....

 

Really, I appreciate learning you. Your pain comes across loud and clear.

[Shiloh 2011]

Wow, your husband is me! Sorta...University Professor but PhD in the Health Sciences...and a lot of the same attributes.

 

When was the last time you and your husband took a vacation where it was just the TWO of you? My guess is not in quite some time. You need to reconnect with each other.

 

First off, your counselor sucks... But, I have a feeling that your lives have become painfully routine. Wake up! Go to work! Get home! Take care of the kids! Off to bed! Repeat next day! I'm guessing that your husband hasn't done anything romantic in a while either. And I'm sure you haven't really done anything to make him feel special as well. You need to talk to him about it, and let him open up about his feelings on the matter. Tell him what you think is wrong and have a COUPLE of solutions on how you think that it may help to fix it, or listen to his suggestion on what may help to rectify the problem. Because if you come at him with what you feel is wrong without possible solutions, then all you're doing is bitchin at him and it goes out the window as far as he's concerned. Make a plan to go on a getaway vacation for just the two of you. Have the Grandparents watch the kids! Let them spoil them rotten! This is a time for you to reconnect with your husband, to rekindle that spark! Find it! It was there once, and it's still there...it's just hidden by day to day responsiblities.

 

The OM is NOT the answer! AT ALL!!! It's a lustful infatuation that can and WILL destroy your family if you let it! Kids aren't stupid, they'll figure out you left their Dad for this OM and they'll still love you, but they'll also have a lot less respect for you and chances are they will NEVER fully accept the OM as part of their lives. They will be hurt and there's nothing you can say or do that's going to make them feel any better about the situation. I don't want to make you feel bad about it; however, it is what it is. Plus, realtionships that start from an affair hardly ever make it in the long term. Most end within months or a couple of years. Only 14-17% actually make it long term. And here's the rub. You are having an affair! You're emotionally giving yourself away to this OM and he's doesn't really know it. Or perhaps he does and he flirts back with you. You're giving away your feelings and emotions to this other guy when they should be focused toward your husband. You think I'm wrong? If you went to work tomorrow and you found out he quit effective immediately, you would probably be devastated and a little heart broken.

 

You and your husband need to get away and start to rebuild the love that you once had. It's there, you just have to find it. Go somewhere both of you always wanted to go and just...go!

 

Thanks.

 

I told my H yesterday I think we should go away for a few days, just the two of us. Here's the rub: last time we did that, we argued for almost the entire time (which was mostly my fault). And, truth be told, I don't cherish the idea of being alone with just me and him. Sad but true. But I am willing to try, like everyone on this forum has suggested.

 

Re: OM, you are partially right, partially off. See my response below. I have done everything I can to fight it in person, but inside it's still burning me up.

[Chi townD]

Thanks.

 

I told my H yesterday I think we should go away for a few days, just the two of us. Here's the rub: last time we did that, we argued for almost the entire time (which was mostly my fault). And, truth be told, I don't cherish the idea of being alone with just me and him. Sad but true. But I am willing to try, like everyone on this forum has suggested.

 

Re: OM, you are partially right, partially off. See my response below. I have done everything I can to fight it in person, but inside it's still burning me up.

 

Then make it a point NOT to fight! There shouldn't be anything heavy to discuss. The reason that you don't want to go with him is because you remember the last time you went and it was a miserable time. So why go? Moot point!

Then set ground rules. No relationship talk, no seperation talk. It's just a time to be together and have fun and enjoy each other. Nothing more than that..I mean no disrespect but it's a very feasable thing to do!

Edited October 19, 2011 by Chi townD

[google_girl]

I think your real problem is you are not attracted towards your husband anymore

[whichwayisup]

Thanks.

 

I told my H yesterday I think we should go away for a few days, just the two of us. Here's the rub: last time we did that, we argued for almost the entire time (which was mostly my fault). And, truth be told, I don't cherish the idea of being alone with just me and him. Sad but true. But I am willing to try, like everyone on this forum has suggested.

 

Re: OM, you are partially right, partially off. See my response below. I have done everything I can to fight it in person, but inside it's still burning me up.

 

Focus on having fun and laughing, talking and reminissing about the past, how you two met, the memories etc.. You two need to do this in stages.

 

I believe the attraction is still there, it's just after xx amount of time, resentments and stuff has gotten in the way and pushed your sexual drive away from him. It's there, just is going to take some effort to find it again. Patience and understanding for both of you, care and respect, getting to know eachother again can happen but it'll take time.

[findingnemo]

I am a professional woman. Sucessful in business and married to a university professor, who's an M.D. Today is our 16th annniversary. We have 3 young children.

 

I love my H, but we are very different types of people and were raised very differently. Ironically, we have simliar values and attitudes towards things like politics and spending, but we have very different personalities and place wildly different values on things: I like business and social mobility. I like the Wow factor in life (big house, fancy car, etc) and I lead a much healthier lifestyle (running daily, eating well). I am used to stating what I think and am direct in my communications with him and pretty much everyone else. I am also super competitive. He is more down-to-earth, doesn't like sharp-elbowed business people, is content with a modicum of possessions, and had a passion for things like alternative music, which I am ambivalent about. He's not good at stating what he thinks and complains often that my straightforwardness with him makes him uneasy. He values his work as a physician and feels that he, more than me, makes a lasting contribution to society. He once mentioned to me that it bothers him that I seem to be better at him at most everything (and he wasn't just talking about making money). He's also a great Dad.

 

Yet, in the past 2-1/2 years (1) I had a love at first sight experience with a co-worker, although no action was taken and I still think about him *constantly*, (2) my father passed away, (3) our 6 yr old son got very sick and was hospitalized twice, and (4) I quit my job, as the office politics were turning hard against me and the personal issues cited above made it difficult to focus.

 

My H and I used to fight a lot, to the point where our oldest child would ask us to stop. But as of about 5 months ago, the fighting has stopped and we can both feel the relationship crumbling. He doesn't come to bed at night with me and when we try to talk, we usually wind up disagreeing. We've seen counselors individually and together, although it's been a while. My counselor just about told me that the relationship was hopeless.

 

I felt from the beginning that I loved him, but I always had a sense that 'something was off' in the relationship.

 

With 3 precious children in the balance that mean the world to both of us, I would like advice: Should we try to make our incompatible relationship work for the long term? Do we make it work but put a timeframe on it, say 10 years, until the children are grown up? Or should we just give up now and move on? Both of us feel the relationship is broken, but we agreed last night (as an anniversary present to each other) to try to get to where we both want the relationship.

 

Thanks for helping.

 

BTW, the co-worker wrote a nice good-bye email on my last day. He never called and never will. Still, I can't get him off my mind, it's driving me nuts. Any bonus advice there would be great.

 

Hi Shiloh,

 

You and I are similar. Both business women, both married to men who are academic geniuses doing great things for humanity, at least that's their goal. I'm separated now - something you are considering. But you've been married 16 years to my 3. That's special and worth checking again to see if you aren't just going through a phase.

 

You have had a lot of stress and sorrow recently. You have no job right now. Your life has changed very much and left you feeling out of control. Sickness and death can do that to you. You seem like the kind of person who is usually in control of your environment. I was the same. Life has a way of knocking you on the head really hard. Most times you can deal with it. But once in a while it can all be too much. Am I right in thinking that you need to be in control again? Did you make a choice at some point in the last 2 1/2 years to change your life? Usually that's a good thing. The problem seems to be that you have lost a lot and therefore can't change that. Instead you are trying to change what you still have. Seeing a shrink was a good idea but the one you picked sounds, to be polite, a bit too invested in the death of your M. I hate shrinks. I'm African and the two shrinks I saw in NY were so off that I swore off psychology forever. Get a second opinion on your marriage from another shrink. I'm sure his/her opinion will not be as discouraging.

 

Change the things you can change. Prioritize. Your kids are important to you. By extension so is their father. You can always get a divorce if thats what you want. But you cant mend a M that you have thrown away. So:

 

1. OM a.k.a. Mr. Fantasy is a big no-no. He is like the devil on your left shoulder telling you to jump off a cliff and see if you can fly. Take him out of the equation. There's nothing there. Throw him out. Don't worry about the pain. You can handle it. After all, you haven't done anything with him yet, right?

 

2. Get a job. Someone said that and I think that's great advice. This will give you a sense of control. I know staying home all day would drive me crazy. Having nothing to do will make you look for dust in places where it isn't.

 

3. Listen to what your husband is telling you. You said he said he doesn't like you. He didn't say he doesn't love you. Why doesn't he like you? Ask him to tell you what happened or what he thinks has changed about you. Sometimes when people are stressed they change in many ways. Someone posted a rude opinion about you earlier. I don't agree with that person but I think in there somewhere was a good point. Your H doesn't like the way you talk to him. You said you're straight forward. Well, he may disagree with that description. Ask him for specifics. What is it he doesn't like all of a sudden? He couldn't have stayed with you all these years not liking you. No. There's something he's trying to tell you. Maybe your behavior changed. Perhaps your lack of respect for him is reflected in how you talk to him and treat him. You may be surprised to hear what he has to say.

 

Don't underestimate the toll that the death of your father has had on you. Your child's illness and your job loss. With all that, you could simply be hating your life as a whole and the only people you can take it out on is your family. Don't start by changing what you have. Start with what you don't have.

 

I wish all the best for you and that you find yourself again. I hope that you can make some personal changes that give you some fulfillment before embarking on unravelling the rest of your life.

[Spark1111]

Stop magnifying your differences. Every time you do that, you talk yourself out of love a little more.

 

Compatibility is hugely overrated by the way, and not a huge indicator of relational success believe it or not.

 

Nine out of 10 relational arguments are unsolvable because you are you and he is he. Arguing in an effort to win power or control or to be "right" is futile and death to intimacy.

 

Start celebrating what you do have in common! Start complimenting each other. Admire each other. Agree with his points, talk from your heart, not head of the conference table.

 

Get off an agenda. What works in the corporate world would kill an intimate relationship if the same methods are used.

 

Be kind and expect nothing in return except respect. Be respectful to one another!

 

And for God's sake find one thing you both enjoy and have some fun together! Couples need to have fun and laugh and flirt and admire each other like they did while dating. They need to spend that much time, some say up to 15 hours a week with each other, minus kids, jobs, and chores to just be a couple!

 

Those who successfully reconcile a marriage discover, with a good counselor, that it is NOT about what they were getting from a relationship, (that factors in later) it is what they weren't GIVING to the relationship that caused many of their issues.

 

Just GIVE more and stop scorekeeping! Give it one year. Do something with him that he loves to do and you abhor; ask him to join you doing something you love but he may not.

 

And start listening to each other, no interruption, no power plays, no arguing, no criticisms.

[Shiloh 2011]

Has your husband gotten very fat or otherwise unattractive over the years?

 

Not really, he's about the same as when we married.