Barrsitter Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 (edited) I have just broken off with a MM I have been seeing for the past 2 years. We were high school sweethearts 25+ years ago. He and I definitely should be together and should have been all our lives. Absolutely no doubt about it. But we went in different directions. He got married to a clingy, child-like, emotionally immature W. They stopped having S four years ago before we reconnected and he told me he will never have S with his W again (not the least bit interested). So I call that a living arrangement, not a marriage. I would never stay with a man who refused to have S with me, but I digress. W tells MM they "should" stay together even though she has known about me for the past 2 years and knows how he feels about me. He's waffling big-time. He says to his W that he doesn't know if they can stay together...then when he's with me he says he doesn't know if he can leave his W. This week I told him that I can't be involved any longer in his confusion and yo-yo-ing. I know things would work out well for us but not unless he's truly committed to me and me alone. So, I've said Bon Voyage. I tried to break off with him many times over the past 2 years but couldn't. Now...I think I can stay away. Any encouragement would be gratefully accept. Thank you. Edited October 15, 2011 by Barrsitter Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 I'm glad you posted this here. I saw it in the other thread, and thought any response I gave would be too much of a T/J. I was going to suggest you start a new thread for it. ... and you did! Man, these rekindled romances seem to be happening more and more these days. I think that's largely due to the internet making it easier and easier to find people. I don't know what encouragement I can offer. I am pretty much in your same position, without the waffling. In my case, I have no desire to date anyone else. If she stays M, I have no problem continuing our A. It's pretty easy for me to do as we have a fairly normal schedule. Any other time, I just do my thing and live my life. In your situation, I can see you wanting to separate yourself from that. He is clearly not ready or willing to make a decision or commitment either way. You being away from him should make it easier for him to see more clearly. If his marriage is wrong and he needs to leave it, he needs to end it for those reasons, not because he wants to be with you. Leave him alone to work that out. Don't give in if he contacts you - simply ask if he is D, and if he isn't, ask him to call back when he is. In the meantime, live your life. Do whatever it is you do. Enjoy the things you enjoy. ... if you and him are meant to be, he'll come around when he's ready. I know how this must tear at your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Barrsitter, that sounds upsetting. It's been a really tough time for you? You don't need me to tell you you've done the right thing. If he really doesn't KNOW what he wants, you could be in the same place in 5 yrs time. Ugh. How are you doing? Have you friends you talk to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted October 15, 2011 Author Share Posted October 15, 2011 SG and SMOn...thank you both for caring enough to respond. I so appreciate your words of wisdom. Yes - this is gut wrenching. But I will stick to NC until D or separated with D legal process firmly in place. SG - I do have someone I talk to about this but I appreciate your help also. I liked your words SMOn about this working out if it is meant to. I've said that to so many other people but when it is you, it's hard to live that until your heart is ready. I re-committed to my yoga practice this week and decided to hit my mat 6 days per week. This will create calmness, peace and space to love myself more and bring in whatever new thing is meant to come in. I am dedicating this practice to myself and my MM and praying that change will come to him as well. Thank you again for your thoughtful replies. Truly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 "Childlike and clingy?" Wow. Well, he must prefer childlike and clingy. Really, it isn't going to make the situation any more bearable to portray his W in as negative a light as you can. Focusing on yourself will help, however. Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Southerns Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 He sounds confused. Is he getting I/C? Leaving a clingy spouse can be very difficult, especially for a man who feels that it is his obligation to take care of her. He may view his love for you as "selfish" and consider that less "noble" than his duty of sticking it out with his clingy W, however unsatisfied and unhappy that leaves him. This is a dilemma he needs to resolve before he can commit fully to either R. I hope your yoga helps you feel more at peace in this difficult time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted October 15, 2011 Author Share Posted October 15, 2011 Describing his W as "clingy" and "child-like" were his description and are factual. So I disagree that these descriptions are negative. They are what they are. Elizabeth - you have pegged the situation accurately and I thank you for your discernment. He is not getting I/C and I'm not going to suggest it. Quite frankly, my backing away has let him off the hook I feel. Although I did tell him in a message that if he ever became single and looked for me, I would see then whether it made any sense for me to be with him. I just didn't want him to think I was sitting around waiting for his Highness to turn up. Part of me wants to knock on their door and cause a huge scene but in the end, I am the one who looks foolish. But in reality, I do have a lot of anger about this situation now. Not so much sadness anymore. So...I'm using yoga as a crutch I guess to tire me out, calm me down and bring peace until time takes away the sting. Just trying to be real here. Thanks Elizabeth. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Quite frankly, my backing away has let him off the hook I feel. Although I did tell him in a message that if he ever became single and looked for me, I would see then whether it made any sense for me to be with him. I just didn't want him to think I was sitting around waiting for his Highness to turn up. That is the best approach for both of you. Part of me wants to knock on their door and cause a huge scene but in the end, I am the one who looks foolish. But in reality, I do have a lot of anger about this situation now. Not so much sadness anymore. So...I'm using yoga as a crutch I guess to tire me out, calm me down and bring peace until time takes away the sting. Just trying to be real here. And you're doing an awesome job. With matters of the heart, it is often difficult to see things clearly, yet, you have managed to do so. That puts you ahead. As for being angry and not so much sadness any more ... that makes perfect sense. You are grieving the loss of your relationship and going through the 5 steps of grieving - Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Don't worry - you don't need to do them in order. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Although I did tell him in a message that if he ever became single and looked for me, I would see then whether it made any sense for me to be with him. I just didn't want him to think I was sitting around waiting for his Highness to turn up. That's the best thing you can do. And when you are ready, date others. Live your life without saving a place for him in it. Part of me wants to knock on their door and cause a huge scene but in the end, I am the one who looks foolish. But in reality, I do have a lot of anger about this situation now. Not so much sadness anymore. So...I'm using yoga as a crutch I guess to tire me out, calm me down and bring peace until time takes away the sting. I get this. In the end, you will have self-respect and dignity for your having taken the high road. Just trying to be real here. Thanks Elizabeth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted October 15, 2011 Author Share Posted October 15, 2011 Yeah...the high road. Some days, it's so hard to travel the high road until you frame it differently. The "high road" ie. the walking away with head held high, could be framed....walking away and who cares about you? On the days I feel like giving MM the finger, I'll consider the high road as the "dismissal road" or the "who gives a R'sA about you". Yeah, I know. It's childish on my part. Hell hath no furry like a woman scorned. Ain't it the truth. Yoga today at 5 pm. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Describing his W as "clingy" and "child-like" were his description and are factual. So I disagree that these descriptions are negative. They are what they are. Elizabeth - you have pegged the situation accurately and I thank you for your discernment. He is not getting I/C and I'm not going to suggest it. Quite frankly, my backing away has let him off the hook I feel. Although I did tell him in a message that if he ever became single and looked for me, I would see then whether it made any sense for me to be with him. I just didn't want him to think I was sitting around waiting for his Highness to turn up. Part of me wants to knock on their door and cause a huge scene but in the end, I am the one who looks foolish. But in reality, I do have a lot of anger about this situation now. Not so much sadness anymore. So...I'm using yoga as a crutch I guess to tire me out, calm me down and bring peace until time takes away the sting. Just trying to be real here. Thanks Elizabeth. The W as described by the eternally Ho.est cheater. Okay. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted October 15, 2011 Author Share Posted October 15, 2011 what is :"Ho.est"? Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 The thing is, he's still with her. He's doing the flip flop. MESSY. Go and find somebody who will know what he wants. This bloke sounds like he changes with the wind. Good Luck, Gentlegirl. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 (edited) I have just broken off with a MM I have been seeing for the past 2 years. We were high school sweethearts 25+ years ago. He and I definitely should be together and should have been all our lives. Absolutely no doubt about it. But we went in different directions. He got married to a clingy, child-like, emotionally immature W. They stopped having S four years ago before we reconnected and he told me he will never have S with his W again (not the least bit interested). So I call that a living arrangement, not a marriage. I would never stay with a man who refused to have S with me, but I digress. W tells MM they "should" stay together even though she has known about me for the past 2 years and knows how he feels about me. He's waffling big-time. He says to his W that he doesn't know if they can stay together...then when he's with me he says he doesn't know if he can leave his W. This week I told him that I can't be involved any longer in his confusion and yo-yo-ing. I know things would work out well for us but not unless he's truly committed to me and me alone. So, I've said Bon Voyage. I tried to break off with him many times over the past 2 years but couldn't. Now...I think I can stay away. Any encouragement would be gratefully accept. Thank you. Your decision to leave him alone and not stay in his confused mess is a smart one. I wanted to comment though on the idea of should have been together. My take on it is that everything that doesn't happen, doesn't happen for a reason and there is no way to know for certain that what you think "should have" happened would be any good. You simply have what you have and you only have what DOES happen and not what shoulda, cudda, wudda. I think it's sometimes misleading to romanticize an imaginary "should have" when the reality that it hasn't happened is more telling than the fantasy of if it did happen.... Likewise...who knows what will/would happen if you ended up together....you can only focus on NOW...which is that he is not pressed to make any choice towards you more so than his wife, for whatever reason. It's been 2 years....you've made a wise choice IMO. I'm sorry that he is confused but you've given him 2 years and I think it would be foolish to give him more. In addition: it is interesting that in reference to the wife you're saying that you'd never stay with someone who refuses to have sex with you, as a dig at her when your exMM is doing the same as she is...choosing to stay with a wife whom he never wants to have sex with ever again. How is he any better or smarter than her by doing that? He's not. Likewise, the fact that he chose such a prize catch to begin with, who is apparently immature, clingy, childish, etc says a lot about him too! The friends you choose and romantic partners you choose say quite a lot about you...as someone can be immature and childish if they want to be but you have the choice about dating or worst marrying them, and if you made the choice to do so and further make the choice to continue to be with them after realizing this and admitting it...then what does it say about you? It all works together and it's faulty IMO to demonize the wife without seeing his role in a bad marriage. Edited October 16, 2011 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Barrsitter Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 GG and MissBee - thank you for your posts. All good points and very thought provoking. I have found this very helpful and I will definitely be printing off some of the comments and putting them in my purse to refer to until such time as I don't need to anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 what is :"Ho.est"? Honest, at least according to my "smart" phone. Sorry 'bout that. lol Link to post Share on other sites
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