Letting go of your ex yet still feeling torn?

[davesterr]

Hi im new here and i would really like to share my story however its super long so if anyone hates reading then please skip this post. I just wanna share the full story so whoever reads this knows what im really going through.

 

I met my ex girlfriend online 2 years ago and i know its cheesy to meet someone on the internet but anyways thats how it all started.

We officially started dating on valentinesday 2010.

And after 2 months of being together i decided that i wanted to meet her.

The problem was that i live in europe and she lives in the states.

So i flew over to America to finally meet her in person.

On the first date we agreed to be just friends because i didn't wanna scare her and it went great with lots of hugs and having fun.

Then on the second date i asked if she wanted to kiss me.

We both never kissed anyone before and i waited 21 years on my first kiss becuz i wanted it to be perfect.

At the end of our date i got to kiss her on the lips for the first time and it was amazing.

However she had to go right away after because she was running late.

We kissed once more real quick as a goodbye and i hoped i would see her again.

However i never did.

 

After i kissed her i just fell completely in love with her.

I always waited for the right girl and now that i had her and let her be my first kiss , she was all i wanted to be with.

Yet she broke up with me a week later without any explanation.

At first it didn't really hit me yet untill i had to go back home.

 

Once i was back it finally did hit me and i couldnt sleep anymore.

I kept thinking why did she break up?

After a month of feeling insane she finally came online and simply told me that she didn't have any time for me.

Im not sure if i can should believe this because i flew over half across the world just to see her and suddenly she didnt have time anymore to see me 1 last time before i had to go back home.

Either way she said she missed me and wanted to be back together.

I was super happy because thats what i wanted. i thought.

We stayed together for 5 days but i felt like it wasn't the same anymore.

Everyday whenever she wouldn't reply to my messages right away i thought she would dump me again.

The stress of losing her again was just toomuch to handle and i told her i couldn't be with her anymore.

I broke up with her not becuz i stopt loving her but because it was just too hard for me to try and make her happy while being so far away.

I also felt that i put in way more in the relationship than she did.

Im not sure how she took it but she acted really cold to me after.

About 2 weeks passed and i started to realise that the feeling of not having her was worse than the feeling of might losing her (getting dumped)

So i told her how much i loved her and how i wanted to be together.

However she replied with a lie stating that she didn't have time for a relationship and acted all distanced.

At this point our friendship kind of faded.

This was in august 2010.

 

After that i got a new job to keep myself busy and i dropped all contact.

I thought i was over her and was doing ok.

My friends in America invited me to come back for 6 months this time.

And in november 2010 i went back to the states.

While i was there i had this dream about my ex girlfriend about how we missed out on so many things.

When i woke up i looked up her facebook for the first time in 5 months and when i did , i completely fell in love with her more than ever.

She completely changed and got so beautiful.

From that moment i realised i never stopt loving her.

I was simply hiding my feelings to shield myself all along.

 

After that day i knew i had to get back together because i truely loved her.

I started talking to her and flirting again and all went well.

We both decided we should meet in reallife again and we finally did.

When we met i told her that i still loved her however i couldn't get many words out because the thought of losing her almost made me cry.

So it took all my strength not to burst into tears in front of her and ruin the friendly date.

I managed to tell her that i loved her and wanted her to be happy and how great we could be together but she said that she rather only stayed friends.

I was completely broken but i didn't wanna ruin the day so i acted like i was ok.

I bought her a prom dress and a 100$ giftcard for her birthday that was earlier that month and a 200$ dollar heart shaped diamond necklace to remember me by.

I literally spent all my last money on her that day and i alrdy gave everything up to visit America this time for 6 months which i did to see her.

At the end of the day i hugged her real tight and i told her i would always love her.

That was the last time i ever saw her.

This was in march 2011.

 

When i got back to the house i stayed in i cried for 11 days straight.

Im a guy and i never cry but for her i cant control it.

2 weeks passed and i gave it 1 last effort.

I talked to her on webcam and i played a song for her on guitar and sang to her and then i told her everything that i loved about her and really mentioned all the things that i couldn't mention before becuz i choked on my words.

It was like a movie scene where i made her laugh and said the sweetest things.

Yet at the end when i asked her to just think bout it once last time , her answer was: i dont know , which we all know means no.

 

Knowing that i completely 100% gave it my all.

I finally let go realising that i couldn't have it all no matter how hard i tried no matter how much i love her no matter if i flew across the world twice , gave up everything i had just to be with her.

For some reason it just wasn't enough.

 

Now its been half a year since i last saw her in reallife and im back in europe.

We still talked as friends online but i told her a month ago that i can't talk t her and pretend im ok with friends anymore because its just too painful.

Truth is , i let her go and i really want her to be happy even if its not with me.

The thought of her being with someone else really kills me but i know its reality and i gotta face it.

I really wanna let her be free and live her life and thats why i dont try to interfere with anything no matter how hard it is.

It's just , even though we haven't been a couple since 1.5 years ago.

And even tho its been more than half a year ago that i last saw her.

Im still not over her.

She was my first kiss , my first true love and to me shes the perfect girl.

I always thought of us losing our virginities to eachother but now knowing that shes gonna lose it to someone else it just makes me sad.

And im not confusing lust with love because just holding her hand was my favorite moment ever and i would be happy to be with her without doing anything.

It's just super hard because i dont feel like i'l ever meet someone better and i dont ever wanna love again because i lost all trust in girls and the broken heart just hurts more than anything i can imagen.

I still cry about her and shes in my dreams everyday haunting me.

I dont know what to do.

I tried moving on with life myself instead of staying in that limbo state where u only look at the past but nowadays im just not happy anymore.

 

How am i suppose to live life if i dont even feel like living?

Im not trying to be all dramatic here but , what do you do when you can't get over someone? When you know you wont find someone better?

I feel like im not good enough anymore because no matter how much i sacrificed and how much i gave up for her to make this girl happy , it still wasn't enough.

And everyday i keep wondering , what does her new boyfriend have to offer that i dont?

I just cant understand it.

Because i would literally do anything for her. Infact i actually did.

Who would fly across the world for a girl twice and stay there for half a year just to be with her giving up everything he has? I just cant understand why she is with someone else and it makes me sad.

 

My friends asked her why she didn't go back with me and all she says is: I fell out of love.

I don't believe u can really fall out of love unless u never truely loved someone , but she said that she did love me.

Either way this is killing me and i really want to let go its just , i cant seem to get over her.

And im affraid that i never will.

I don't know how to cope with this one because no matter how much distance i take or how little i talk to her , i just cant stop thinking of her.

It's been like this over a year and yet it still hurts just as much.

Thats why i know its not gonna go away on its own and i dont know what to do.

 

Thanks so much though for letting me share my story and my apologies for making it into an essay. However any advice would be really appreciated.

Edited October 15, 2011 by davesterr

[mike111]

I read your entire post. Some way, some how you'll have to let her go. I know it's tough and it hurts like hell, though.

 

mike

[davesterr]

Yeah i know. its just so hard and it doesn't help that she's the best girl ever with such a huge heart.

She really tries to help me get over her and she listens to all my problems and really only blames herself when i asked her what i did wrong or what i could do better.

Shes always super sweet and messages me first to ask how im doing.

In a way i got the perfect closure.

I got to talk to her about how i feel , i got to see her 1 last time in real life and really squeeze hug her and say my goodbyes in the right way.

She considers me as a real good friend and said that she will always be there for me when i need her.

But yet now i have to avoid being online all together because talking to her as a friend is just too painful.

Im just so torn inside that i have no idea how move on.

I know the best thing to do is just live a great life but i cant even find a purpose to get out of bed anymore.

Life became empty.

But thanks for reading my story.

Edited October 15, 2011 by davesterr

[mike111]

I hear ya. And I understand how you are feeling.

 

mike

[ffw]

Hello Dave,

The best thing you can do is let her go. If you truly love someone, you let them set free. Personally, when someone says they fell out of love, it actually means they are not attracted anymore. I think 2 factors led to this:

 

1) There is another person in this picture. You did everything you could to make her realize how much she means to you. I think if a girl is attracted to you then she would have felt the luckliest person for what you did.

 

2) LDR

 

For both reasons, you can't blame yourself. You gave your best shot. But if she's not interested then there is not much you can do. I know you are thinking that she is perfect but trust me you will find a much better person than her, who will love you for who you are. Right now, you are putting her on a pedestral.

 

I have gone through someone somewhat similar situation. My 1st gf broke up with me after 4 & 1/2 years ( 2 years together, 2 & 1/2 LDR). She fell out of love & I dont blame her for that. Two important things I learnt from my past relationship:

 

1) Never to jump into LDR ever again

2) If you are not happy or you see relationship is not going any where, its better to finish it.

[davesterr]

Thank you for your advice ffw.

I know in a way it looks like i put her on a pedestal.

But she really was and could be the perfect girlfriend for me if it didn't end so fast.

Im not saying shes the most perfect girl out there however i do believe that i wont find someone better since its just so hard to find someone you can truely love.

 

I know long distance relationships suck but thats why i flew back to America for half a year. Ironically i only got to see her once.

However it gave me a true closure so at the end i feel like it was all worth it.

 

I agree not to do ldr anymore but its not helping me that i really like American girls because the girls here just seem really different.

 

Thank you for your advice though , it means alot and i hope for everyone on this forum that they will feel better in a way because breaking up is aweful.

But losing the one you truely love thats just too painful to even put in words.

[karmaqueen]

If you did ALL that for her and she doesn't want you, let her go. You're too good for her and sounds like she never truly appreciated you.

Long distance is so hard anyway, but it sounds like you did all the running around. Give yourself a lot of time to get better, but you will eventually.

[LuluinAZ]

Sorry to say this, but after reading your story I would say the chemistry wasn't there for her. She likes you and knows you are a good guy and wanted it to work out, but she wants to have the physical part too. The way you love her is really compelling for her and she enjoys that, but she can't reciprocate because she's not feeling it.

 

Better for you to find someone to love who will feel what you do and have that mutual and reciprocal joy with. There are a lot of books like "He's just not that Into You" and "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" that help you to move on. Good luck.

[antz2411]

its called LETTING GO.. but in order to do that.. you need to grow a pair... and it doesn't sound like you have a pair.

[davesterr]

To antz2411 , i did let her go as i am in no way interfering with her life.

It doesn't matter how much guts or courage you have , that wont make any difference in feeling less crushed inside because you're no longer with the girl you truely love.

 

To luluinAZ , yeah i guessed it may have been the physhical attraction that may have been gone but then again im still the same guy she wanted before.

She mentioned to her friends that i was hot and that she was crazy about me.

I just don't understand how someone can suddenly fall out of love if its only based on physical attraction if i still look and am exactly the same as when she first loved me.

Either way i did let her go and i am trying to move on but its just really hard because she was everything i cared about.

Thanks for your advice though.

Edited October 15, 2011 by davesterr

[antz2411]

bro, how do you know it's true love? i know everybody has their own defintion of it. but to me true love is when you put your partner's interests above your own. It is when you will do anything the see them happy, even things that may go against what you believe. It is called sacrifice and true love is nothing without it.

 

for you to question "what does her new boyfriend possibly have to offer that you cant?"

 

you obviously asking this question speaks volumes. you're not happy for her well being. now ask yourself that question? is that really love thats true to her?

 

if it is you will be happy for her no matter what! even if it is with someone else!

 

its called SACRIFICE bro. im sorry, it hurts but its just the way it is. ive been there and i have never held it with my first true love. shes married now to a guy who can make her happier than i could ever have. im happy for the both of them and always wish them the best in life.

 

im a deep believer in theres more than one true love in a persons life time and the only way you can get it back is by letting go and not hold any bitterness within your being.

[davesterr]

Actually i sacrificed everything i had for her if you've read my story.

I am putting her happiness above mine by letting her live her life freely.

The only reason i mentioned that i wondered what her new bf can offer what i can't is because im curious since i did everything i could possibly do.

It's not because i don't want her happy becuz i stated earlier above that i want her to be happy even if its not with me.

It just makes me wonder what i can't give her despite everything i did that he can offer.

I also let her go half a year ago , its just now that im trying to find a way not to stay stuck in the past.

I know the best way is to move forward is by living in the now but its really hard when you dont have any desire to get up in the morning.

 

Either way sorry about your past true love being with someone else but im glad u take it that well.

Thanks for your input.

Edited October 15, 2011 by davesterr

[antz2411]

dood there is no need to be sorry about my past because i never am. everything from my passed is a lesson well learned and how can i be sorry for lessons well learned and applied to the present?

 

there is obviously somehting that this guy can offer her than you never could or she wouldnt be with him now.

 

like i said man.. LET GO.. you live and you learn and thats part of sacrificing... you havent really let go or you would not feel this way about her situation now.