Ex wants me back and I feel miserable

[NordicStripes]

Hi everyone,

 

as some of you might now, I'm in a situation where my bf broke up with me after 3 years, slept with someone else a couple of times, and then realised he wants me and only me and now wants me back.

I moved to another country - before I moved, we met up and we kissed - and I've been in the other country for 4 weeks now. In two weeks my ex is planning on moving here as well to see if we can have another shot at this.

Now here are a couple of things that have me so pre-occupied I can't even sleep at night:

 

1. I am very very disgusted by the idea he slept with someone else. How can I ever get over this? People say time will help, but how much time exactly? Thinking about now just makes me furious!

 

2. The first couple of weeks he would try to contact me every day, he was really nice to me, even though I would yell at him on the phone and call him all sorts of names. Last week though, he decided that I had to face up to the fact that I had a part in the break-up too (jealousy... been cheated on by a previous boyfriend). I know that he's right, but that has nothing to do with the fact that he slept with someone else. That's a choice he made, and a disgusting one for that. Also, he's no longer contacting me every day, and I feel like maybe he thinks it's all in the bag. I want him to fight for me. Really fight. I want love-letters, I want to feel his love - this was something I felt I didn't get enough of while we were together, which made me insecure, which made me more jealous.

 

3. Now I have moved to this other country - I lived here for a year a couple of years ago and I absolutely loved it, had a great social life, had the best time of my life. Now Im here, and a lot of my friends are either not in my town anymore, or they are in relationships and don't meet up with me anymore. I'm living in a house-share with a drug-addict/alcoholic. I'm not feeling happy at all... I'm feeling rather lonely, and at 25, I'm still as insecure as one can get. I know that as long as I'm feeling like this, I won't be able to be in any relationship, be it with me ex or someone new... I'm not the type to go to a bar by myself and meet new people. I'm not very extravert, although I'm very sociable when I'm around people I know and like.

I don't know. I didn't feel at the right place and good in my own skin in my own country, but I'm not feeling better here either to be honest.

 

Quite miserable now, really :-(

Edited October 15, 2011 by NordicStripes

[TLCbear]

How long have you and your ex been broken up?

[LuluinAZ]

It's the same as moving on when you break up.. you're either going to have to commit to enjoying reconciliation or you can stay broken up. Both people have to commit to making the relationship work, which means truly letting go of the past. It sounds like he is making an effort to make you happy.. moving, being more attentive and you keep upping the bounty. Maybe you will never be able to accept what happened, but it will not work if you are holding it over his head going into it. If you don't think you can do it, then you don't do it. But you will probably miss him and repeat this cycle. Get some books on how to love after a loss and see if you can get your mind in the right place. He is jumping through your hoops, but you can't just keep adding more hoops once he does it. That's going to make both of you miserable.

[NordicStripes]

Thanks for that lulu. i thonk you are right. sometimes i think i will be able to vope, sometimes i dont. i know i keep making thongs harder for him, but i feel he really needs to prove something to me now.

we have been spliit up for almost three months now...

[NordicStripes]

He promised he's call yesterday. He didn't. So I called him myself today (I know I shoudn't have) and he was very short with me and didn't seem happy to hear me at all. He said he hadn't called me because he was having issues with his parents, and he didn't feel like talking now. I told him he can call me back when he does feel like talking, but he said he won't because he can't pay for it (I'm living abroad).

 

I feel like for him even the tiniest effort from his part seems too much for him. I notice I'm taking distance from him, I feel like I really can't expect anything from him and that he's still just the sellfish, egocentric guy he was before, and that he hasn't changed at all.

 

I'm really scared I won't find anyone else though. I know that's absurd, but still... we were going to get married, now everything is reduced to ... nothing...

[NordicStripes]

Well,

 

he will move here in two weeks, he's got his tickets, and more and more I get the feeling that if we get back together it would just be the same thing all over again.

 

Where a couple of weeks ago he would send me nice texts and email about how he loved me, he would send me a text every night to say sleep well, now... well he is back to being the absolute center of his own little universe and it appears as if he feels that he doesn't have to spend too much energy on me.

And that's just not a good enough offer for me...

 

It breaks my heart.

 

ps. It would be really nice to get some feedback from you guys! I suppose some of you might think: what is she moaning about? The guy who dumped her wants her back!

 

But it's not that easy or simple...

Edited October 21, 2011 by NordicStripes

[davesterr]

im a little bit confused. you say your ex slept with other people.

was this during ur relationship or after the break up?

i think if after the break up then ur acting out of line because you feel like hes the one who has to fix and prove everything while he simply slept with other women while he was single.

 

if he did cheat on you during the relationship then i can understand it.

they say people never change and i believe that.

if he cheated on u once he might do it again.

its up to you whether you will want to get back with him again.

 

if he didnt sleep with other women untill after u guys broke up.

just think of it this way.

right now u say ur disgusted by him having slept with other women.

then again which guy your age is still a virgin who hasn't?

unless you only wanna date a virgin, any other guy out there has slept with other women.

so whether its ur ex bf or someone new.

being disgusted by it now is normal but yet makes no sense in a way either because if your gonna start a new relationship , any new relationship will be with someone who slept with someone else before you unless its with a virgin.

 

by reading your story it seems like ur a very insecure girl.

u got cheated on by ur last ex bf.

now u want someone who worships u like a goddess.

to prove u every single day how good u are and how he will never leave u.

to tell u the truth, its not his job to take care of ur ego.

hes not the person responsible for ur self esteem.

and its not his job to make sure u dont doubt the fact that he might leave u.

its your job to simply trust him and its ur job to be confident in the relationship and in urself enough that you dont worry about him leaving and instead just enjoy the two of you being together.

 

i think your not ready to be in a relationship because by all the demands ur posting, i dont think your looking for a boyfriend.

i think ur looking for self esteem and thats something you can only get by facing your fears and accomplishing your goals.

not by dating someone becuz ur lonely and arent feeling better.

 

i dont know you so i wont make any judges.

but to be honest you keep saying you want love letters , you want him to write ur name in clouds. u want him to jump through fire to prove his love.

but ask yourself this: do you even love him?

because if you did then you would date him whether he was rich or living on the street.

if the girl who i love sent me a simple text message just saying hi , it would mean the world to me because its who sends it , and not about whats in the text itself.

i really dont think you love this guy and i really dont think the problem is whether to get back together.

i think ur just in a bad place right now and what u really want is a different life like u had a few years ago when u just moved.

 

all of this advice is ofcourse if incase he did cheat on you during the relationship.

if you guys broke up for any other reason and he slept with other women after the relationship then i have to say you're pretty insane to suddenly demand all this from him while he didn't do anything wrong after the relationship.

why u guys broke up thats something i dont know though.

 

Ps: it looks like he doesnt really love u like love love you because otherwise he would've least called.

my ex girlfriend lived abroad and i ended up with a 1000$ phone bill but it didnt matter to me becuz she was worth it.

i think thats the kind of relationship u might be looking for aventually but right now a relationship isnt what u need.

i also think getting back with someone becuz ur affraid u wont find someone else is just asking for failure.

Edited October 21, 2011 by davesterr