Blaming her, I guess

[esteem-jam]

I wish it didnt happen. I mostly was down through my life, then she came up, and it didnt work. Im glad though it didnt get physical, was watching the movie "Brothers" and I wouldnt want to be in similar situation.

Now my life is still s***, but lots circulates about her. I probably have some mental illness... so when there is no-one to talk to (like usual) I go to bed and Im starting these dialogues in my mind with her, former friends and whatnot, different scenarios. I have read this can be a symptom of schizophrenia. I dont have imaginary friends like in that movie "A beautiful mind", but I do dialogues with people (in my mind) too often.

I read here how if you deliberately wanna hurt somebody, say verbally, like Id like against her, in end youre hurting yourself. So all this unhappiness and blame now circulates around her. But logically I know she doesnt deserve it. She just happened to be in my life, if Id havent known her, that blame, anger wouldnt go towards her. I wonder who would I blame then? Just wish I havent known her, she doesnt deserve this. I often think (unintentionally) of some trick question or comment that would really hurt her.

I havent broken NC, but in my mind I have. Sometimes I wake up and cant believe I have not contacted her, cause she will appear in my dream or thoughts in the morning.

 

I have rejoined FB, and I have jaded feelings. A year has passed, so I guessed I can return. As I dont have any social life, it could help to keep in touch with friends, like I just have- messaged with a friend- he got his first car, and I told about my hurt to him, first time. On one hand FB is nice to have, on the other- I am comparing my ***ty life with lifes of my former classmates, and I know I cant "compete". I am tired building a happy facade, cause Im far from happy, and people find out anyway. Then there is her on FB, which is a temptation also.

If it didnt happen she wouldnt be this vortex of my unhappiness and blame. Damn.