That knot in your stomach

[AlisaMarie]

I have been on and off with the same guy (whom I love dearly) for over 2 years now. I would do anything for him... but do any of you know that feeling when it's about to fail? That knot?

 

Every time it's been over, it was his decision. There was another girl involved and she caused much drama to say the least- however, he must've seen something in her. They work together. He left that job to follow another career path only for it to not work out. So after a month of him being away from her, I felt at ease... not threatened. The pain was still there but it was masked by the fact that she wasn't in his face at work.

 

Well, here I am now- he's back at the old job. We talked and talked forever about it and decided financially it would be best. I also warned him of my ill feelings and he assured me he would be strong enough to see me through. It's been about a week, I am a mess. I wonder every second what's going on, if they talk, and if he still wants her. I try to talk to him but now it seems as if his attitude of being supportive has shifted. He's short with me, tells me he's sick of hearing it and I am the reason the relationship is failing. All I said today was I hate him working there and it makes me insecure.

 

His lack of support is now making me feel like it's an easy way to turn it on me so he can get out of the relationship AGAIN and do whatever. Am I seriously just being a paranoid freak or because of the past is it ok to have the guard up a little?

[nature]

Yes, I know that feeling. I had it before my relationship ended a few years ago. It's the knot that happens when your gut instinct is telling you that you really aren't that important to them. Your intuition is ripping at you telling you to watch out, open your eyes and protect yourself. When we don't want to listen to out intuition, it ends up in a knot. I know that feeling. And it's awful

[AlisaMarie]

Nature, I have NEVER felt like this without good reason. A demise of the relationship is sure to follow. It is literally an instinct. I don't think it was ever wrong and I said to myself "oh I am so silly."

 

So what do I do? End it first? Explain that I don't feel like I am number 1 and until I do I am calling it quits? I just can't walk out of his life but what do you do if you feel like they could care less if you're there or not?

 

I have seen him in action and when he loves he loves deep and has treated me like a princess. And I do as much as I can to encourage his decisions and keep a smile on his face. I don't care about money, looks, what he can do for me... I just want to be loved and adored and KNOW inside and out that I am the ONLY one.

[nature]

I totally understand. I was engaged to someone for 3 years. He loved and adored me. But the last year of our relationship he started acting different. PUtting me second to his friends and everything. I stuck around for a year thinking it was just a phase and it would get better. But I was sick to my stomach all the time and had that knot. Sometimes he'd look at me with love like before, and other times it was like he could care less if i was alive.

 

We've been split up 3 years now. I left him finally. He was angry when I left, but I knew I had to. I knew I wasn't important enuff to him. We were engaged but still not living together, and when the topic of a wedding came up, even eloping, he would change the subject and get angry that i was pressuring him. Even tho he was the one who had gotten down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Told me he loved me and coudln't live without me. I had to end it, and it was the most painful thing I've ever done.

 

I wrote on here last week because after 2 years of no contact i got a phone call from him, but no message. So i left it alone. Today I saw him and his new girlfriend of the last 2 years ride by me on their bikes looking so happy together out biking in the sunshine. It bothered me and hurt still, because he never made the time for me to go biking or do anything together anymore. To get him to go biking with me would have been like pulling teeth. And here he is looking so happy out doing the things with her I'd wanted to do.

 

It made me feel like a loser still. Shows how much he hurt me and how in love I had been with him. It still burns me to this day, and as much as I've dated, I have not moved on with anyone the way he has. I have tried but haven't been able to find anyone who moves me the way he did. And he moved on so quickly and happily.

 

I understand your hurt. Wanting to cling to something that had once been so good. It hurts like hell. The only thing that allowed me to leave him was my dignity. I couldnt' stand for being treated like I meant nothing.

[AlisaMarie]

I seriously just read your story and cried. I know how you feel! He did things for her and if I even ask him to do something for me I feel like it's a big chore for him. He'd rather be with friends and do his thing... and if I tag along cool, if not... oh well.

 

As loving as I am... I want to be somebody's angel... princess... EVERYTHING. I hung out with his mom and her new boyfriend and they were so into each other it made me feel as if I was missing out on something. I am in no way suggesting that I am to good for him, I love him... I just want something that can't be forced, or convinced. I am at a loss. Either way... it'll be my fault. It always was the past times we broke up... yea it was my fault he wanted to hook up with someone else... sure.

[nature]

Mine was the same. I still remember it. He would make plans for the weekend, without even asking me. Then he would just tell me what we were doing. And if i didn't want to do it, then tough luck. And if I wanted to tag along, then I'd get to see him. It was all about him. Or it became all about him. I would never have dated him in the beginning if I knew he could or would behave this way. He took me for granted so bad that my self esteem went down the drain. And I was so torn, becasue I loved him so much. And was wearing an engagement ring he had given me. I was so broken hearted and hurt. And still am to this day. But I couldn't stay and accept that. I knew it was not ok. I'd rather be alone than with someone who would treat me like they could take me or leave me. That is not love.

[AlisaMarie]

Oh seriously! The self esteem is down the tubes. Certain people just have a way of pulling you in so close, then once they have you... they have you. It takes very little to make me happy and put a smile on my face... maybe the bar needs to rise. I just turn into a bitter person then the relationship ends because of me. I am still just so unhappy that he thinks it's okay to work with her when other jobs can be an option. Like who would want the person they love to feel this way?