I just don't know how to read him...any insights?

[stargazer5466]

I have been divorced for a year, after a 10 year marriage. Fell into one relationship right after. It lasted a couple of months, and I got my heart broken. I have done my time alone, and I am over that. Ready to move on... This new guy in my life (and heart) seems more right for me than anyone I have ever met in my life. I want so much to be more than a rebound, but that seems to be where it is going. We have been acquainted for for 10 years, and have always had an attraction for each other. I already knew he was a great guy, and recently (a couple of months ago) we became more than friends. He is going through a 18 yr. divorce, which will be final next month. He says he absolutely doesn't love her anymore, and is positive she has a BF. They have been legally separated, living apart, and haven't had sex in over a year. He was the one who filed for the divorce, right after he and I started talking. My love interest and I are both in our 40's, if it matters. He has told me he would like to "date" me as soon as his divorce is final, and that there is no one else he is interested in. Then he turns around and says I scare him. Thing is, he is so hot and cold. He doesn't seem to know what he wants. We only see each other every 1-3 weeks. We talk (or text) a couple of times a week. He wants to play it cool until his divorce is final, and I don't push. I have let him have his space, and not done anything to appear needy or clingy. I know better than that. Every time we are together things are fun and great, then he calls the next day freaked out. First time he felt "guilty." He had been faithful to his wife throughout the whole marriage. even throughout the separation. Next freak out: he says he is confused and scared. Last time he did it: says he is scared of me, and that he is not ready to get serious, and I should date other people. WTH? I don't WANT to date anyone else! That has been 3 weeks ago, and we have barely talked since. This is KILLING me. I am crazy about this man, and I REALLY want things to work. I am trying to be patient. Is this hopeless? or is letting him go the best thing? Should I ignore him? I don't know what to do

[january2011]

You might care about him a great deal but all this hot and cold behaviour is leaving you insecure and confused. I suggest that, for your sanity and his, you give him space until after the divorce is final. Then see where you both are. Decide whether you want to date in the meantime or just wait. In his current condition, it's unlikely that he can maintain any kind of relationship with you so it's best not to place any demands on him emotionally until his head is clearer.

[stargazer5466]

Thanks for the response. That is exactly what I am doing. Trying to be patient, not pushing, and not questioning him, because I think he truly is confused. I'm not dating anyone else, because I don't want to. I guess that's all I can do...I was just wondering if anyone out there has experienced a similar situation.

[january2011]

I have a feeling that you might have received more responses if you posted in the Separation and Divorce forum or even the Other Man/Woman forum. Posters who are regulars in that forum might be more familiar with similar situations where divorce is a factor and may be able to give more relevant advice.

[stargazer5466]

I am new to this. Maybe I should post there too? Thanks

[calla]

I think your besorted is going through a transition between being married and 'who knows'. Having been through a divorce and having been the one who asked for it, I thought it would be easy to move on. There was an 18 month period of putting myself back on my feet. I was in no shape to have a meaningful relationship. My suggestion is to be a friend to this person at this stage until he recovers. If it is too hard, probably give yourselves a break for a while then revisit after several months.