Bothered by her past,, but I love her, hel???

[mrdinosaur]

Hello,

First of all I am new to the site, and having trouble with my situation, and thought to give this site a go as to how to cope or what I should do... and before you say about, "its all in the past", "if you love her, accept her past" etc etc. ITS NOT EASY!!! Probably looking for advices from someone whose been in my shoes..

 

Anyway here goes my story, Im 27 now and I just started dating my girlfriend for a few weeks now, shes also 27. Our history goes a long way back in High School days probably around 12 yrs ago.

 

In our high school days , I knew the moment I laid my eyes on her, I knew I fallen in love with her, dont ask about how it happened etc. I tried to make a move on her but the problem is when I tried to, shes always most certainly taken or simply have a boyfriend. Even so knowing that I never stopped loving her.. that someday she'll be with me. I see her a very moral person, sweet, timid and kind.. thats why I fell in love with her , someone with a good sense decision making. Knowing this I always adored/loved her. I remained friends with her even though shes with someone else. I accepted that shes happy with her current relationship so I decided to just move on thinking that shes happy now. Years gone by, I talked to her every now and then, but everytime I thought of making a move, as always shes with someone else. And seemed really happy, so I went away again thinking maybe were not meant to be.

 

To cut some of the details, around 12 years had passed were already adults, and 2 years ago prior to 12 years(now). I spoke with her again, and that time, as always shes in a relationship with someone BUT this time its different.. Now to tell you the details, shes in relationship with someone whose MARRIED and have 3 kids. That would make her a mistress.. I was so shocked knowing all these, I tried to reason with her that what shes doing is wrong, and probably the man is just using her.. no matter how hard I try to tell her, she just wont listen. She clearly stated, THAT SHES SOO MADLY INLOVE WITH THIS MAN.. that the man promised her that hes gonna leave his wife. I told her for the very FIRST time THAT I LOVER EVER since high school I just didnt wanna say it before because shes happy with her current boyfriend. I thought to tell her how I felt because clearly I wanted to save her from herself... but nothing... She accepted my proposal but as always ignored...

 

Then I even told her to not do anything stupid until I save up so we can be together and ger her out of the spell shes in (by the way I live overseas from her).I told her everything that I needed to say, how I love her since the beginning, to wait for me, etc etc. But clearly she wasnt really gonna do it..

 

NOW just after several months.. My worst nightmare.. I found out. She's now pregnant with TWINS! Im so devastated... and what more is...the father is THAT MAN who is married! After I found I tried to contact her again..and said "what did you do??", she was clearly still seem to know what shes doing. She said "I wanted to have his babies.. he promised me he's gonna leave his wife, for me.."... I was so lost, hurt, disappointed.. and everything that is to feel.. I asked her "are you certain??? Is this what you want??" and she just seemed convinced that, thats whats going to happen.

 

I told myself .. why didnt she wait for me.. on top of that the wife of the man knows that his husband is having an affair. and the wife is hustling her, and telling her, shes nothing because shes just a mistress. She didnt mind all that, because shes so obviously hanging on the mans promise. So I walked away for awhile thinking maybe shes happy, maybe the guy really loves her and will make his promise happen... and so I thought.. I was right.

 

And so the day came where she finally gave birth to twins. I contacted her again and asked how she coping. She said shes okay but now having problems with the wife of her man. hustling her and calling her names, and to make things worse she now doesnt have a firm belief that the man will leave her wife. After hearing this, I felt it again a knife stab in my heart... I wanted to tell her, WHY DIDNT YOU WAIT FOR ME???? I Told you how I felt.. but clearly this is not something she wants hear. So I just tried to comfort her.. and trying to keep a positive outlook that maybe its gonna happen, maybe its just a small obstacle and in the end you will be happy with him.

 

After a while. again, I checked on her to see how things are going.. it finally came. She said, "he left me..", I just couldnt make words to say , Im just so devastated, at the same time felt, its my fault...

 

And so time went, I decided that I SHOULD BE THE ONE to make her happy again, and finally convinced her, WHY CANT IT BE ME? I accepted the fact that shes now a parent of 2 kids/toddler. I will accept the responsibility of being a step dad to her kids. and so She said okay, realizing that maybe Im different.

 

Move forward to now. The story above is just to give you an insight to why Im so broken inside. Few nights before we were just chatting on the phone,I can tell shes now wiser, and smarter and now back on track. She made it clear to me that her KIDS is her first priority. I understood that. Later on, my issue is now starting to emerge...

 

We talk and talk until, we get into intimate details of her past sex experience with this married man. Okay SO YES ITS the sex issue again.. I know what youre thinking.. but let me continue. We went to the point she said to me, because she was so inlove with that married man. She WOULD DO anything FOR HIM, oral, different sex positions etc. BUT please before you think of anything.. So as I was hearing this...my ear started to flinch.. I didnt like what I was hearing, not because I was jealous and all. Coz yes I did that with a girl too , so no biggie. It was okay for me at first, and it was me who asked those questions.

 

Actually were actually playing a question GAME, but it was serious questions to know more about each other. Mainly its for the 2 of us. Some of my questions were in the line of "will you do this for me....?" type of question. Most of her questions were "maybe" and "no" there were few "yeses". And so finished with the game, I asked her.. maybe something I shouldnt have,but I wanted to know.. "If those questions are applied to that man, all your answer would be all YES? right?" She went "Yes".

 

I understood that... So you can see how its not a good feeling but I accepted it. Until.. I asked her.. "will you make love with me?"

 

She said.. "no, only after marriage", she explained she didnt wanna be that stupid person again.. That at least if we didnt work out. She still have something left , she didnt give before marriage. I didnt mind it at first... Because its not really about sex..thats why I love her, and why I accepted all her baggage.She wanted making love as special, and only after marriage..

 

I normally dont mind it, but I just went "what if were in the moment, and the right time came, and its a special moment, will you still not do it with me,cause its not just sex, it would be making love??" she just said "no, I wouldnt". I know for a fact people change their minds and all, she could have said maybe il change my mind later, we dont know. I would accepted that. But I love her anyway , I just said... okay I wont make any move on you until were married.

 

SOOOO.... gathering all that information.. I thought, she wouldnt make love with me, before marriage? And this guy from her past she did some pretty wild stuff with him, and obviously , that guy was just using her for sex. I wouldnt really mind if that GUY loved her genuinely.. cause one time she said to me , after she gave birth they had sex, and asked the guy "do you love me?" the guy gave her a bouquete of flowers and after sex he said "i dunno". Clearly he wanted sex and didnt really love her.

 

And okay from my long story above, I thought her to be conservative and after knowing all the wild stuff she did with the guy..And I put her on the pedestal, for a long time..and this. She would nt even tell me that I maybe shell change her mind but she firmedly said , "only after marriage".

 

You asked why it bothers me now.. She knows its unfair.. She told me. I told her, Im ready to give up everything for her, to give all that I am to make it work , to be the father of her 2 kids. Knowing Il only come before her KIDS always.I will accept her family, I will ignore my family disapproval etc.

 

I wont force her to just make love with me, as it will not be making love if its force.. Want Im just after if were trully inlove and Im ready to give my all, and the right momment comes along.. Would she not reconsider? I just dont like the idea she did wild stuff with a guy who only used her and obviously didnt love her, and for me, whose been watching her for years and years, and ready to love her, care for her, accept her kids, she wouldnt even try to consider touching me?? Even just an answer of "maybe".

 

So thats my issue... I never thought of it before but now... am I really crazy?? It bothers me.. I dont intend to tell her, because I know shell think Im just after the sex.. Which hopefully Im NOT after the SEX , Im after that maybe she would consider TO MAKE LOVE with me when that moment comes along, to tell the truth if that time comes. Then Il respect her decision to wait. AT LEAST I know shes willing .. for me.

 

So any advice would be helpful sorry I have to write a long post to get my story out there.. Please any advice will help for me to cope. I do love her.. otherwise I wouldnt do this. I consider maybe this is wrong.. but just my Love(Corny I know) I think is bigger than all that... but I also learn that LOVE doesnt conquer all..that love is pain... Thanks for reading if you manage this far.

[wilsonx]

This is Captain Fix a Hoe Syndrome at its finest.

 

Sigh, you have caretaker written and stamped all over your forehead. You are going to get your heart crushed.

 

There are SO many red flags in this story, I would not even touch her with my ex's boyfriends manhood.

 

You have to end this. I am going to show you a story that will be you in 2-3 years... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302341/ Read this... people like her will use nice guys like you until they get what they want, then will go right back to the *******s.

[mrdinosaur]

This is Captain Fix a Hoe Syndrome at its finest.

 

Sigh, you have caretaker written and stamped all over your forehead. You are going to get your heart crushed.

 

There are SO many red flags in this story, I would not even touch her with my ex's boyfriends manhood.

 

You have to end this. I am going to show you a story that will be you in 2-3 years... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302341/ Read this... people like her will use nice guys like you until they get what they want, then will go right back to the *******s.

 

Thanks for your opinion on this.. Yes I never thought of it as me fixing things up for her. And you do have a point.. there. I will take it to consideration what you said here. Thanks again.

[fallenheart]

I read most of your story. Couldn't get through some of it.

 

I was turned off a lot by the fact that you claim to "love" this girl yet you look down on her and judge her for things that YOU feel are morally incorrect. Why do you think your moral opinions should apply to the way she lives her life?

 

Are you a virgin? You really sound like a guy that has never had intercourse with a woman. I think the fact that you don't know what sex is is what's clouding you on the whole love/sex/right/wrong thing.

 

You sound like a doormat for this girl to wipe her feet all over. She'll never have sex with you. She's not attracted to you. AT ALL. She never will be...EVER. She's using you. Someone in another thread used the term "emotional tampon." That's you.

 

For a while it was fashionable for men to seem more sensitive and in touch with their feminine side or whatever, but int he long run that thinking is damaging. You'll never be happy and you'll never get what you want if you continue to go through life like a pathetic doormat. Grow a pair. Tell this girl to get out of your life and never look back.

 

Go out and find a new one that will actually give you a chance AS A MAN. There are like 3 billion of them out there....one of them just might do the trick. Good luck!!

[mrdinosaur]

I read most of your story. Couldn't get through some of it.

 

I was turned off a lot by the fact that you claim to "love" this girl yet you look down on her and judge her for things that YOU feel are morally incorrect. Why do you think your moral opinions should apply to the way she lives her life?

 

Are you a virgin? You really sound like a guy that has never had intercourse with a woman. I think the fact that you don't know what sex is is what's clouding you on the whole love/sex/right/wrong thing.

 

You sound like a doormat for this girl to wipe her feet all over. She'll never have sex with you. She's not attracted to you. AT ALL. She never will be...EVER. She's using you. Someone in another thread used the term "emotional tampon." That's you.

 

For a while it was fashionable for men to seem more sensitive and in touch with their feminine side or whatever, but int he long run that thinking is damaging. You'll never be happy and you'll never get what you want if you continue to go through life like a pathetic doormat. Grow a pair. Tell this girl to get out of your life and never look back.

 

Go out and find a new one that will actually give you a chance AS A MAN. There are like 3 billion of them out there....one of them just might do the trick. Good luck!!

 

huh? The second part and third part I dont get, I look down on her??? Where was the part in my story that I looked down on her?? She had an affair with a family man, ruining the family, whether both of them are at fault . I left her to do what she wanted, whatever makes her happy..

 

Like I said IM OKAY whoever she had sex with before! and thats why I have a dilemna in ME, to be honest the guy is like 40 years old married, and in seriously , I dunno what she sees in that guy.. only she knows.

 

Thats why Im seeking an advice to how I can cope with her past. She doesnt want to have sex until shes married , all I ask of her whether she atleast consider when were both inlove and the moment arrives. Like I said I wouldnt go through with it once she changed her, just to know we are in same wave length.

 

Knowing her sexual experiences with that married man, she would do anything for him at the time... but to me she wont?? because she now have rule that there would be no sex before marriage.. Thats tears me.. thats why im seeking advice to how I can cope....

[fallenheart]

You can cope by accepting that she's not attracted to you and never will be.

 

When a girl says she's "saving herself for marriage" after she's already been with lots of other dudes, she's LYING to you. Just a nice way to tell you she simply isn't interested.

 

Forget her and find a girl that WILL be happy to sleep with you!!

[mrdinosaur]

I read most of your story. Couldn't get through some of it.

 

I was turned off a lot by the fact that you claim to "love" this girl yet you look down on her and judge her for things that YOU feel are morally incorrect. Why do you think your moral opinions should apply to the way she lives her life?

 

Are you a virgin? You really sound like a guy that has never had intercourse with a woman. I think the fact that you don't know what sex is is what's clouding you on the whole love/sex/right/wrong thing.

 

You sound like a doormat for this girl to wipe her feet all over. She'll never have sex with you. She's not attracted to you. AT ALL. She never will be...EVER. She's using you. Someone in another thread used the term "emotional tampon." That's you.

 

For a while it was fashionable for men to seem more sensitive and in touch with their feminine side or whatever, but int he long run that thinking is damaging. You'll never be happy and you'll never get what you want if you continue to go through life like a pathetic doormat. Grow a pair. Tell this girl to get out of your life and never look back.

 

Go out and find a new one that will actually give you a chance AS A MAN. There are like 3 billion of them out there....one of them just might do the trick. Good luck!!

 

You can cope by accepting that she's not attracted to you and never will be.

 

When a girl says she's "saving herself for marriage" after she's already been with lots of other dudes, she's LYING to you. Just a nice way to tell you she simply isn't interested.

 

Forget her and find a girl that WILL be happy to sleep with you!!

 

WOW!!... come to think of it shes had 5 ex-bfs , she had sex with the 3 of them.. and man...I never realize that, I just assumed she only had sex with that married guy... DAMN! that hurts alot.. just to think Im only thinking of 1 guy ..thanks.. I guess im just so blinded mmmm....

[westrock]

I am not sure why you are so upset over this. Are you bothered that she won't have sex with you before marriage even though she had sex with others before without marriage?

 

She did not say "no", she said "only after marriage". You either accept that or you don't.

 

It doesn't matter whether that's "fair" or not. It's up to her to decide what her standards are. Now that she has 2 kids to take care of, maybe she's decided to be more careful who she wants to be with and when she is comfortable enough to have sex.

 

You have to accept her who she is, not who she was. For her that now means "only after marriage". If you truly love her as you claim, you would accept what she is telling you.

[esteem-jam]

Even if you make an ultimatum- "we sleep now or I am leaving". So she spreads her legs and then what? You might even not get an erection, because she does not desire you. Whole situation screams of h*e, *oe, ho*!.

[mrdinosaur]

I am not sure why you are so upset over this. Are you bothered that she won't have sex with you before marriage even though she had sex with others before without marriage?

 

She did not say "no", she said "only after marriage". You either accept that or you don't.

 

It doesn't matter whether that's "fair" or not. It's up to her to decide what her standards are. Now that she has 2 kids to take care of, maybe she's decided to be more careful who she wants to be with and when she is comfortable enough to have sex.

 

You have to accept her who she is, not who she was. For her that now means "only after marriage". If you truly love her as you claim, you would accept what she is telling you.

 

oh your advice is different mmm.. it bothers me cause in all angles Im the one who has all the downside. Im the second best, Il be the father of her kids, I'll get reminded of her jerk father because of the kids, She has wild sex with a married man, she had sex with 3 other guys before too, my family doesnt approve of her because of what shes done,She doesnt want kids anymore and certainly want my own, I dont even know if she feels the same way, cause I dont feel her affection..

 

Taking all that in. Wouldnt that bother you? I mean is love really enough to accept everything shes throwing at me.. but thanks for your 20 cents on this.

[leoc1973]

I think your thinking is very misguided. I am not saying this to hurt your feelings but you need to know. Listen to me! She is in love with this guy. She will be for a long time if not forever. She is only using you to help pay the bills. She is not a wholesome girl that you envision she open to sex just not with you! I don't think you love her I think you are obsessed with her. You should see a counselor to find a way to get rid of this girl. I am not saying she is a bad person she just happens to be in love with someone else. Think of it this way... The way you feel about her is the way she feels about him. She probably tried to trap this guy by having his kid.

 

I am telling you this... The only way she is ever going to have sex with you is out of pity or obligation. Have you ever seen forest gump? Remember Jenny? That is her. And you are Forest. Ask her this. Ask her if she was married to you and this other guy wanted to have sex with her if she would. I will guarantee you that she will.

 

Like I said I am not meaning to hurt your feelings but you have to forget about this girl. If you love her truely love her then leave her alone. Don't let her use you to pay her bills. Think of how bad you feel now and how desperate you are to get her and multiply it by 10 because that is how bad she is going to hurt you in the long run. Seriously man see someone and make it a goal to get over this girl.

[mrdinosaur]

I think your thinking is very misguided. I am not saying this to hurt your feelings but you need to know. Listen to me! She is in love with this guy. She will be for a long time if not forever. She is only using you to help pay the bills. She is not a wholesome girl that you envision she open to sex just not with you! I don't think you love her I think you are obsessed with her. You should see a counselor to find a way to get rid of this girl. I am not saying she is a bad person she just happens to be in love with someone else. Think of it this way... The way you feel about her is the way she feels about him. She probably tried to trap this guy by having his kid.

 

I am telling you this... The only way she is ever going to have sex with you is out of pity or obligation. Have you ever seen forest gump? Remember Jenny? That is her. And you are Forest. Ask her this. Ask her if she was married to you and this other guy wanted to have sex with her if she would. I will guarantee you that she will.

 

Like I said I am not meaning to hurt your feelings but you have to forget about this girl. If you love her truely love her then leave her alone. Don't let her use you to pay her bills. Think of how bad you feel now and how desperate you are to get her and multiply it by 10 because that is how bad she is going to hurt you in the long run. Seriously man see someone and make it a goal to get over this girl.

 

thats a good perpertive too..I never thought myself to be obssess.. I always wanted her to be happy with or without me. I just thought , its my time to show her that Im here, if she end the relationship with me, I told her that would be the last and I wont bother her anymore. and thats that. As long as her decisions is her own.

 

And youre probably right.. she may probably be still inlove with the guy.. thanks im gathering all my thoughts to see whether all the clues are there and I just dont see it cause i love her...

[wilsonx]

This thread makes me want to reach through my monitor and slap some sense in to you.

 

Why are you even here? You arent going to listen. You are going to do it anyways.

 

Just do it, be heartbroken come back and say wow you guys were right learn how to deal with a gigs breakup and move on from there

[Tayla]

This thread makes me want to reach through my monitor and slap some sense in to you.

 

Why are you even here? You arent going to listen. You are going to do it anyways.

 

Just do it, be heartbroken come back and say wow you guys were right learn how to deal with a gigs breakup and move on from there

 

I think that you are absolutely correct ! The pharmacy industry can make millions if they would create a common sense pill for just this purpose.

 

On a side note- The OP mentioned the "standards" of his lady love. Yeah its called double standards...Run do not walk to your nearest reality check point and get moving forward.

[mrdinosaur]

This thread makes me want to reach through my monitor and slap some sense in to you.

 

Why are you even here? You arent going to listen. You are going to do it anyways.

 

Just do it, be heartbroken come back and say wow you guys were right learn how to deal with a gigs breakup and move on from there

 

haha man Im here cause I wanna see different opinions theres another one here replied that I should just accept her but majority seems to favor leaving her. As much as appreciated all comments I cant just decided right away but really thanks man hahaha

 

but yea seems that most of my adviser wants me to give her the boot