rainbowspots Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Hi, i have a problem. My boyfriend for almost a year loves me so much, he doesn't want me to be in forensics, go to college, or have any other extracurricular activities. He also prefers if i wear super baggy clothes so i'm not "eye candy" for other men. This all is making me severely depressed, and i feel that i'm not good enough for him, or anyone else. I don't want to change anymore, but i don't want to break up with him. How can i make him understand, and not be so clingy to me? Link to post Share on other sites
allheart Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 [color=darkblue][font=courier new]Dear rainbowspots...I am concerned because it sounds very much like your bf is wanting to control every aspect of your life. If he truly had your best interests at heart, he would want you to achieve your goals and dreams. He just sounds possessive and domineering and those are red flags to potentially further controlling behavior that could turn abusive in the future. You could try to sit him down and explain that furthering your education is important to you, and of course, so is he, but I'm not sure how much luck you will have convincing him as people with these tendencies are often only focused on "me, myself, and I." Whether he is consciously aware of it or not, he is trying to have power and control over you and you must not let this continue. Ask yourself this: What if you had a daughter who came to you with this problem and asked your advice? Does that put things in another perspective? I doubt you would encourage her to continue in this relationship, so let this be a message to yourself that you don't have to settle for it either. You go on and be all that you know you can be! Best of Luck![/font][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbowspots Posted May 17, 2004 Author Share Posted May 17, 2004 I know it sounds like he is/might be abusive, but it's exactly the opposite. He doesn't control me just to have to power to control me, I'm his life, and he wants to be with me all of the time. , i don't know how to explain this. I'm just tired of having too much stress, and i guess i have to choose between me being happy, or him being happy. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 I hate to tell you this but this boy is bad news for you. Research shows that most adults who are in bad relationships started having bad relationships in their teens and as hearttherapist says, this kind of behaviour can lead to abuse. One of the symptons of being in a bad relationship is withdrawing from your usual activities. A relationship or friendship with a controller is always unhealthy and will take its toll on your health and spirit. When you feel out of balance, start doubting yourself, feel uncomfortable often with someone or after talking to someone, or feel simply as though something isn't right, that's usually a sign that something ISN'T right. I don't know that you can make him understand. Even if he changes his behaviour you will always feel that controlling aspect of your relationship when you are together. There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries to keep yourself on the path to a peaceful, joyful life. People with high self-esteem don't think twice about eliminating these people from every activity in their lives except their prayers. The second & fourth paragraph of this reply I've lifted directly from this website: http://web-street.com/thingsarelookinup/Boundaries/Controlling.shtml#protecting I hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Sounds like you love him a lot and clearly he loves you. You have great goals! Forensics! I say GO for it! Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way. Try and explain to him that this is good for both of your futures, encourage him to further his education as well (assuming you 2 are the same age). As far as the telling you to wear baggy clothes thing...well that's something else. I can see him not wanting you to dress like a sleeze (not that you do but some people do) but if he is just being insecure then I say try and talk to him about this to. Tell him you feel like he doesn't trust you enough and that he is making you feel like you're not good enough. You have a right to be who you are and it doesn't sound like you do anything to disrespect him so maybe he just needs a little extra reassurance. However you shouldn't have to choose between your happiness and his. You should be able to do what you want and need to do and he should be able to be by your side supporting you. Even if he doesn't agree with your choices he needs to respect them. I hope this works for you but I think if he doesn't come around you should consider seperating because this could seriously dampen your future..you need to have a social and educational life other than just with him! Link to post Share on other sites
allheart Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 [color=indigo][font=times new roman]I didn't mean to imply he was abusive, just that he does seem to be possessive. When someone deliberately wants to exclude other activities or people from someone's life, that is a HUGE red flag because isolation results in you not having any other opinion or interactions in your life which gives him a sense of security, because he doesn't have to compete for your attention when you are isolated from others. It is likely that deep down, he is really insecure...which is (again) true for most who use power and control to manipulate others. I'm not saying he does these things on purpose, but regardless, it is not healthy. And you shouldn't be the only thing in his life, you should both have other interests, hobbies, friends, etc. The fact that you would even say you will have to choose either his happiness or your own is a red flag in and of itself. Why would you have to choose if you make each other happy? He is already controlling you so much you can't even see it...telling you what to wear...attempting to make you unattractive to other guys, IS an attempt to control you. Please don't ever feel you aren't good enough for him, for if he doesn't want you to appear to be 'eye candy' to other guys, he obviously thinks you can be, so don't doubt your attractiveness to others. Sometimes we can be so close to a situation that we can't see the forest for the trees. If you think you can reason with him, talk to him about these things. If you don't think he will listen or take you seriously...seriously consider breaking up with him. Though you are very young to fully realize the profoundness of this, life is really precious and too short to be walking on eggshells and told what to do, who to see, where to go to school, what to wear, etc. It's just unnecessary stress that no one needs. Please give the advice you are getting from others some real thought.[/font][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbowspots Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 I appreciate all this advice, and i showed him your suggestions and i talked (tried to, at least) to him, but we've both come to the conclusion that nothing is going to work, and make us both extremely happy. I don't want to, and i'm not going to, dump him, this is the guy i'm spending the rest of my life with. I definitely read the advice, and it made me think, and i guess we're both on opposite sides of the spectrum. I'm not quite sure what to do about this, i'm not sure at all. Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 I know most probably wouldn't agree with this but since you know you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy and you know you want to participate in extracurricular activities and go to college to get into forensics then I say try and include him. If you are doing some type of sport ask him to come and cheer you on, if it's a club why can't he join with you (I'm assuming he's shy though I could be wrong and also assuming he's still in school as well). As far as going to college maybe if he isn't planning on going to college himself he can start saving money so that when you go to college he can get an apartment near your school so you two can be together (assuming all of this is okay with you of course). I'm sure there has to be some way to compromise in this situation since you know you're in no way going to end the relationship. I hope that everything is okay between you two and I hope you can work things out. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 ...is his next step buying you a huge bird cage and locking you in it? Miz_barby's advice sounds excellent to me, since you are sure anyway that he is the right guy for you But don't-for any reason in the world- stop going to college or give up forensic studies if this is what you wish to do in your life. Clothes you wear you can compromise on if it is not a problem to you. (BTW, I think that he should think twice before asking you to wear baggy clothes, because he'd immediately lose any right to complain if you made a fuss for a single glance at another girl who wears not baggy stuff. ) But be careful about more important things.....make sure you won't lose your friends, lose big opportunities or renounce to some *harmless* activity you love because of a too jealous bf. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Your bf does not only love you, but is co-dependant on you. This is NOT good. He also is showing major insecurity issues, which like in your case is turning into control. If you are willing to give up your whole way of living to suit his mental issues, that is your business. But, I can guarantee if he doesn't get the help he needs, you two will only last another year at most. You are already depressed and he is not even willing to admit he has a problem. This won't fix itself. Most of the abusive relationships start this way. I imagine there are some women on here that has been in these situations that can attest to that. Your bf isn't doing this to be mean, but because he has problems within himself. The first step in solving this is for him to admit that. Until he does nothing will change. If he TRULY loves you as much as you say he does, then he would want you to be happy. Happiness is letting you do what you want. You only have one life, and living it for him won't give you any bonus points after you die & stand before god. Take a step back and realize the decisions you make now WILL affect your life in major ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rainbowspots Posted May 18, 2004 Author Share Posted May 18, 2004 Yes, i would LOVE to include him in my activities...but the problem is....he's graduating in 7 days, and i'm still in school for two more years. I'm 16 and he just turned 19. I wish he could be included in everything i do...but it's impossible. Thanks for the AWESOME advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 It could be just as much your fault as it is his that you are being controlled. When a man tries to tell me what to buy, wear, or do, I look at him dead and the face and tell him I'll do what I want to do. Keep compromising and eventually you'll get so sick of it, that you'll resent him. Either way, this relationship is taking a bad turn, and you need to stop it now before it gets worse. I agree, if he seriously cared about you, he'd wholeheartedly support your choice to go to college, look great, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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