Walk with me?

[kosmos]

Or just talk to me for a while.... (I'm new to this forum, so if there's any mistake I make, please excuse me.)

 

I've never considered an online forum to seek some support, but I'm at the point in my life where death seems like liberation. Liberation from grief, suffering, fears, despair, and everything else....

 

Aside from a personal problem (self-improvement), I've got a family problem (parental drama/insanity/fighting/argument—whatever u want to call it) that has been driving me insane and it's killing me.

 

Sometimes I just need some place and someone to run to, to get away from this "hell hole" for a while. I've got a nice room/home in a nice/quiet neighborhood, yet I can't even stay in it peacefully because of the on and off drama/madness/uncertainty I deal with regularly. Some nights I stayed in the car until early morning to get a peaceful nap. When I'm at home, I'm usually in my room with soft music on or my headset on so that would block out the chaotic "locomotion"/noises/negative energies outside my room. I might go deaf one day if I keep plugging in my earpieces. I don't really want to live in a home where I'm constantly on edge, when I can't even go in and out of the house freely without locking and unlocking doors, checking if the person/"negative entity" is there. (roll eyes and sigh...) You would understand the feelings only if you have and live with a mentally-ill family member, and especially if you care. Certain illness can destroy even the most wonderful person and his/her family. It's like a curse. Until death do us part, really.

 

I just can't take it in any longer. If someone lives in [....] and has no problem hanging out with me sometimes, pm me and I'll give you my pic, phone #, etc. Or if you know someone who is available in the area.... And if you care enough and think you could help pull me out of this rut, pm me.... Normally, I don't ever consider talking to or open up to strangers, but right now, I could care less if "my savior" is a psychotic killer. kidding. I'm usually very skeptical and I have a hard time trusting people but I'm putting my trust on the line now.

 

A friend of mine lives far away and she has family and kids so it's inconvenient to bother her. Another friend is also dealing with family/relationship problems thus I don't really want to bug him. I don't really want to bother anyone with my problems in general. I call and meet them sometimes, but I need available (or single) and understanding friends who can spend quality time with me and help pull me out of this negative state.

 

"Why stay? Get out. Get your own place/life." You may say. I can't afford to. Plus, the "parents" are getting old, and somehow I still feel somewhat obligate to stay around as any considerate daughter would do (despite the on and off drama and the negative things they have done to us). Nothing severe/damaging like molestation, just drama/tantrums from mental illness/marriage problem/incompatibility and "minor" bad behaviors like beating, criticizing, scolding, expecting and treating us like adults in a very unhealthy way although we were just little kids whereas they were the "adults." Certain things are hard to forgive and forget. They weren't fit to be parents due to poor/ill character and unfavorable/hostile environment, and now they try to make it up, which is too late and irreversible. It's difficult to be around people you don't love, but pity, dislike, and even disgust. They don't smoke/drink/do drugs, none of those "lowly/trashy" stuffs are involved, only psychological drama of the problematic "edumacated." One would think people with "lowly/trashy" lifestyle would have a more dramatic/chaotic life but it's even more vindictive and vicious with the educated/highly educated people. Thanks goodness the illness only runs in one side of the family. Otherwise, we siblings would have run away or killed ourselves a long time ago. That's why I swore to never have children. Plus, there are so many orphans out there. People should breed less and start adopting more. I wonder why societies even "allow" mentally-ill people to have children. They're themselves unfit.

 

Anyway, that's my current situation/problem. I'm going for another page about me in case anyone wants to help.

 

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I've dealt with this parental insanity/drama since I was little. Since I couldn't find anyone understanding/caring/trustworthy to talk to, I've pretty much kept everything to myself and lived life like a tough person. But inside, I've become so numb and I feel like I'm dying slowly. I guess I'm getting old. I'm 30 but at times, I feel like 300 years old. Can't get any older than that. (I'm still very much like a child inside and people often tell me that I look younger than my age.)

 

I've volunteered at an animal shelter for a while, but seeing the poor souls crying and screaming almost 24/7 (then be put to sleep after spending months behind a wall/in a cage) didn't make me feel any better. I've also worked with the elderly and disabled for a couple years. Although I really enjoyed the work, it was only temporary. I'd love to volunteer again if I have money for gas or the place pay for gas. I graduated with a B.S. but the major wasn't something I expected it to be. (BS for real.) I should have chosen the major I like and not wasting all my time and energy. It's too much to go back for another degree now and I'd have to go for a loan, which I'm very reluctant to do. I'm not qualified/capable/experienced for the works that I'd love to do/try. Now I can only babysit. Pathetic much?

 

I have no problem interacting with few people or in a one-to-one setting. However, when it's a large crowd or fast pace like customers coming in and out constantly or lining up, my anxiety would get so bad that I'd literally freeze, like return the wrong change if I were at the cashier counter, or I'd stammer on the phone and wouldn't know how to correctly answer to a customer. I'm lucky I'm average-looking (some say I'm cute but look is superficial/transient and isn't an issue here) and not hideous or deformed, but for some reason, I get really nervous/anxious around crowds that I usually avoid people/crowds in general. I still remember how much I hated project presentations during school years, although I typically managed to pull through with As and Bs and actually enjoyed some of them.

 

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Some more about me: (I guess before you could actually help someone, you need to fully know/understand the person and his/her situation (?).)

 

I consider myself an average, normal person like everyone else, maybe the "plain Jane" type and somewhat eccentric, on edge, neurotic. Despite having a mentally-ill family member, we siblings are fortunately not psychotic. We just have to live with one and become very different individuals in the process. As we have suffered enough, we don't like drama and we aren't clingy. We want a normal, peaceful, happy life. There were years when I was very happy and quite popular in school, until the illness of our family member became severe and we still have to deal with that constantly. Physically, I falls into the category of "cute, short/petite (5'4''), and slim to skinny." I don't think I can ever be chubby since I'm so high-strung, hypersensitive most of the time. I guess I have what people call it--fast metabolism. All my life, I'm pretty much a quiet, private, shy type who keeps things to herself. I may appear as a cold, aloof (maybe a bit mean-looking) loner (mostly to protect myself) but once you get to know me, I'm pretty easy-going, amiable, gullible and nice to the point of easily being used and abused.

 

I'm also a vegetarian and I meditate almost every day. Meditation and praying are supposed to help but only for a while; the sadness and suffering keep coming back and eating my heart out. I guess I'm not very diligent with my meditation. Spending time with nature like taking a long walk, listening to music, exercising, reading, watching movies/comedies are my sources of relief and comfort. I could adopt a dog or two to keep me lively, but since I'm still living in the same house with my problematic parent... not a healthy thing for another soul. They don't mind (if not scare away) the wild animals like birds, bees, and whatnot in the backyard, but keeping/allowing a dog is too much trouble to them.

 

I don't smoke/do drugs/alcohol/club although my tolerance for alcohol is pretty high. I have lived my life pretty much like a hermit or a nun, and I think I will become a nun for real if "the right one" doesn't come into my life any time soon. I'm content being a 30-yr-old virgin and I prefer a monogamous/faithful relationship. Most of the guys/men I've met since high school 'til now just want to be my bf or you-know-what. When I suggested being friends first as in testing their mentality, they would just insisted on being my bf or that would be the last time we see each other. Why can't we be friends???!!! That said a lot about their maturity and understanding for me. It seems like all the "right" ones for me are either married or gay, or unavailable like the (good) monks. I don't think I'll ever meet my soul mate in this lifetime.

 

The only relationship I had was a few years ago. (I was very busy/stressed out during school years and with work, I didn't have time nor did I want to waste any time/energy on dating.) He cried like a baby when I declined his marriage proposal. He told me that I was "his dream girl" but somehow, I felt everything was taking place too fast, like I was being rushed into a relationship whereas I usually like to let things progress slowly. We liked each other but I didn't really feel much or any true love/tenderness from him. Looking back, it wasn't love for me at all. I'm even more in love or infatuated with some of my crushes than with him. I was more like a provider—emotionally, physically, and materially, or like a maternal figure to him than a gf or lover/equal partner. He also wanted children and a very normal/basic life when I didn't (and I still don't). Good grief, I've seen enough problems/conflicts from family/friends/relatives and in the world to consider bringing another soul into this suffering world. I wanted (and still do) to go to places/travel, have fun, explore, learn, something more meaningful/spiritual than a settled/simple/basic life. He was respectful toward me. I said I'd save myself (virginity) until our marriage--which never happened because he was an international student and his visa expired. I couldn't keep him here. We were a good match; we even have the same birth date and month. But in the long run, I don't think I'll be very happy with him. I didn't really feel like he was the right one for me. I told him to move on to spare us the pain of separation. He did, and he didn't know (nor did he really care) that I was deeply hurt. He just told me that he was sorry and that he owes me in next life. I replied that he owed me nothing and should just stop contacting me or even continue being friends with me. Unlike him or some people, I'm not very expressive with my emotions like crying so easily in front of everyone, unless I'm extremely agitated, distress, or something in that nature. I usually hold back my emotions and keep them inside or I'd cry alone. I guess after all the years of being bottled up, my emotions have finally burst.

 

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I'm still trying to let go of all the hurt and grief I received from life and loved ones and to move on, but unless the next connection is true and lasting, I don't want any more heartache and headache.

 

Despite all the ups and downs throughout life, I have a very good life considerably. I'm very lucky to have a very supportive/protective sibling all through my life. We put up with all this drama from our "parents" since we were little. But she has found someone, who is also in her profession, and has moved out now. I'm glad for her. I can't, nor do I want to, continue running to her or dragging her down for emotional support any more. I've already been leeching on her blood and sweat since I graduated from university with a useless B.S. I'm not proud of it. There were several times I broke down and told her that I may as well let go of this hopeless life/my hopeless self or become a nun at some temple. But she constantly reminds me that I'm so gullible, cowardly, the people in there aren't much different from the people out here, and by the look of me, they'll just rape and rob me. I still believe in humanity and that people aren't that bad.

 

I don't know how to effectively get out of this situation. I'm not capable and tough enough to get up and out on my own. I need a hand or some steady outside support. (chuckle in pathetic tone). I can't continue living like this. Might as well leave this body now since I'm so hopeless. Plenty of people are dying every minute anyways. Who cares, just go kill yourself. The more the merrier up (or down) there, wherever suffering souls like us might end up.

 

Part of me tells me not to, because I'm a Buddhist and from all what I've read and learned about karma.... If I kill myself now, I'll commit a great sin that's equal to murder. Instead of killing another person or animal, the person I kill is me. Whereas I should live and utilize my body for a higher/greater purpose like spiritual practice/pursuit. I'm also avoiding the "punishment"/suffering I've knowingly or unknowingly inflicted upon others (either in this life or my past life/lives). My death does not bring about any reasonable benefit to many or the greater good. Also, I would be dying in an unhappy/distress state. Some people may consider it as a very ridiculous, meaningless death. The suffering would still follow me/my soul/subconsciousness/consciousness into the next life/body I assume. The next situation and suffering might even be 10 times worst than in this life. Other than that, I still have responsibilities in this life whether I care or not about them and the pain I might leave behind to my family and friends. Who knows? My death may be a relief for them, too.

 

I just can't continue living like this. I've done nothing (to little) seriously wrong nor have I achieved anything (to a whole lot of) right/great. The wrong and good deeds I've done so far in my life kinda even/canceled each other out. I'm physically healthy, fit, and have almost everything in life. It's just that right now, I can't help myself or anyone else. My living seems to be a burden, to prolong and create more suffering for me and my loved ones/family than to give meanings or to benefit them. I'm quite sad, despair, grief-stricken, confused, and however you want to describe it.... People talk about mid life crisis in their 40s. I'm 30 and I've already had several mid life crises, including this one. To die or not to die? When you run out of tears or they're all dried up, you laugh and laugh, sometimes even in the most sarcastic, miserable way.

 

If I were to die and I don't intend to die at home, I'd have a note with me in case some "external force" interferes (like I'm still in the dying stage and some person sees me--that would really suck, because when I do decide to die, I make sure that it happens, not lingering or have to repeat) I hope my earnest request will be then realized. And that request is: Please DO NOT revive or resuscitate. Death is a relief when life is too painful.

 

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I can't seem to carry on any longer. I don't know how to move on. I'm crippled by fears, grief, despair, and everything else.... Someone help me.

 

Just recently, someone came to me. He's also a vegetarian and into spiritual stuffs. He seems nice, friendly, good-looking and all, but it turned out.... When I asked him for an honest reply, he said "You've got a nice body. I'm a player and I just want your junk.":mad: That's um... very spiritual indeed. I don't mind being friends with him, maybe I could learn a thing or two or something new from him, but he didn't want to be friends with me. I thought he did. How gullible and silly of me. Our initial meeting was great. There was instant attraction and we were curious about each other. But all his excessive talking and something he said, something in the way he acted, kinda held me back. I was also nervous and insecure so I pretty much killed the chance of being friends afterwards. Maybe it's not worthwhile to be friends with a player (?). Again, why can't we be friends?!

 

So many people are dealing with worst problems and are living in worst conditions compared to mine, and here I am... moping about how weak and pathetic my little self is. I doubt I'll even find a real friend here in this virtual world. If you can and are willing to walk with me for a mile, or several miles, or until the end of the road, I will try and do the same for you.

 

{please don't disclose my IP address. You can laugh at(or with) me, ridicule, mock me or whatever, but have some consideration and don't post this somewhere else, make this "viral," tweet, facebook, whatever those annoying things are for your amusement/distraction. I don't like them and don't have or do any of those. Email/IMs/and forums like this are more than enough. I still wonder if this would be the right forum for sensitive/private matters such as mine. Who cares if this is going to come back and bite me later. In my opinion, at the end of life, only the heart of man and what good he has done for himself and others matter. Besides, I'd like someone to walk with me, not to step on me, trample on me, or run me over. I've encountered enough of those shallow, sorry souls. I'm considerably another sorry souls but for a different reason, and definitely not shallow.:cool:}

 

Farewell, miserable world. Why do I still wait for that one faithful response from somewhere in this universe? I can't seem to find it within me. Gosh, help me. Any like mind? Kindred spirit? Anyone.:(

 

Thank you in advance and sorry for such a long post.

[thatone]

so yeah, i really read all of that.

 

when you type your whole life story everyone can probably sympathize with some of it.

 

the truth is there are lots of faithful responses in lots of places. but they won't come looking for you. you have to go do something to find them. even if 'something' winds up being wrong, that's fine, you tried, you learned something along the way.

 

"i can't afford it" is BS, pun intended. i don't have a college degree, and i've been away from home since i was 17, that was half a lifetime ago, i'm 34 now. if you can't deal with your family, leave them. if you can't deal with the men you meet, leave them too. but you can't leave yourself, it's not possible.

 

stop sitting around waiting for someone else to tell you how to live your life. anyone who will take you up on that offer won't have your best interests in mind, so that choice will ALWAYS be wrong.

 

make your own choices, make your own decisions. live with them. pretty soon you'll be surprised at how many people are out there you can connect with, when you aren't expecting miracles from them.

[kosmos]

thatone but not theone? kidding. I'm surprised you actually took the time to scan. I thought my gigantic wall of incomprehensible texts scared the hell out of every passerby. (That was only most of it, not whole.) I was ready to leave this forum for good with another "final" post like "wow, there's a lot of love in this shack. o well, maybe there's a more understanding/receptive place for the likes of me." I know, I could start out first by giving rather than expecting to receive, but I've been giving most of the time, if not all my life, and as for the state I was in.... I'll probably join in the wise replies later, when I'm all better or back to my old self.

 

Are you going to walk with me for a while or just passing by? Thanks, nevertheless. If you have something on your mind, I'll gladly keep you company. That is if you need one and think this one is worthwhile...

 

Anyway, I was distraught that day. (not the first and most likely not the last, as long as I still live in this state.) After I made that "final" post, I pulled myself together for some serious meditation. I'm breathing much easier now and gaining back my strength/mental clarity. I've just applied for a part-time job and the person said he will contact me during next week to set up an interview. I think a lot of people have also applied for this position, but hopefully this is my chance/"the answer to my prayer":laugh: to get away from this insanity sometimes. We'll see.

 

If I don't get it, I'll just look for another one (even if the job is unsuitable for my frail stature like I'm gonna break my back in the long run. Seriously, this one place called me twice and asked me to stay but gosh...) Or I'll find a nearby animal shelter/hospital/homeless shelter to volunteer again and hopefully will find some meaningful connection afterwards. The animal shelter that always needs volunteer is so far away. If only they, or any similar place, could pay for my gas $.

[kosmos]

Also..... I know all what you said. Of course, one doesn't need some degree to live life or live well in life. Some great (if not well-known) characters are high school/college dropouts or have never attended the systematic schooling even.

 

"Away from home since 17," it was that bad hm? Mind to share why? Either that or you must be an extremely independent person. I assume you're doing ok or better now? Are you still away from home or are you back at home? I mean if not physically then emotionally, like thinking about them sometimes. Or neither? Are you content with your decision?

 

Men/Women/Friends who don't "deserve" me, I could care less if they leave. If they seemed to be the good one, I sure sulk a bit but after a while, good riddance! Impossible to leave myself? Don't tell me that you've never been to that point in life. Perhaps you're just emotionally and mentally tougher than I am, or maybe you don't care or feel as much as I do (?). Leaving family... I'd like to but it's complicated and not easy. Plus, I don't want to make a decision that would leave a guilty imprint on my conscience later. Still thinking and working on it though. I know I need to think and work on it FASTER since I don't get any younger. If anyone (well, not any) comes along and grabs me by the hand now, I'd probably follow.

 

I'm not expecting "miracles" nor do I want pity. Is wanting a simple, good, meaningful, lasting friendship that can keep me going thru life too much to ask for? I'm not sitting around. I'm walking;) and trying to walk on a path that would lead me to somewhere, not on a path that would just lead me to the void. So far, it's all casual and neither very helpful nor meaningful. And patience isn't exactly my virtue.

 

Well, you can see that I'm doing something. (Including seeking some illusory "love" in this virtual shack:laugh: and exposing/embarrassing myself in the process. Waging embarrassment for some sanity and from self-destruction seems to be worthy.) Thanks, anyhow.