8ball_lynn Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Been married for little over 2 yrs but together for 11yrs. Try to talk to him last year about his flirting and that I didn't think it was appropriate which started a fight and even got to the point where he wanted a divorce. Things worked out to some degree after only 2 months seperation but not all issues are resolved bc I am scared to bring my feelings up again - will it start a fight again?? But I am keeping these feelings inside and it is tearing me apart. My prob is he is very friendly and forms close relationships with others very fast, ESP women. And while he insists they are friendships I still feel like they are inappropriate and make me feel uncomfortable. So when I tell him he gets defensive. To describe some of his relationships - a girl he barely knew for a few months after moving to Hawaii for school became like a "sister" to him. I moved to Hawaii soon after to be with him. But i was jealous of this relationship. While we were fighting when he wanted a divorce (after we moved back to California, bought a house and got married and had our first child) she bought him a bday present - a roundtrip plane tix to Hawaii to visit her. Another girl he worked with in Hawaii seems to also be good friends with and they send eachother gifts by mail. He calls her little miss sunshine and obe time when I tried to use his laptop and couldn't log on I calked him to ask what it was and he said he forgot. I looked at "give me a hint" and it said "little miss sunshine". I glanced his phone and he texts her a bit. I want to look at his phone. Once I was able to and a recent text said "good night beautiful". He locks his phone so I can't snoop. He always has his phone and seems very private with it. I feel like he is hiding things from me. As his wife do I have the right to tell him I don't like these relationships? Do I have a right to look at his phone? If it made me that uncomfortable shouldn't he make an effort to stop flirting or keep his relationships more distant for the sake of his wife's feelings? I want to ask him about all these things but the last time it became a big fight where he accused me of trying to change him and that this is who he is. Am I being unreasonable? Please I need some advice! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 People have different levels of tolerance for this kind of behaviour. But I agree with you, I would also consider this kind of behaviour overstepping boundaries. I suspect he was like this before you got together and his married status hasn't made much of a difference. He enjoys the banter and flirtation and it's likely he has always enjoyed the banter and flirtation. If he continues to not respect your wishes and your marriage as well as to continue the secretive behaviour and dismiss your concerns, I think it's time to decide whether or not you can really continue to live like this. It would be slightly different if you felt you could speak up and talk about this but this doesn't seem to be the case. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 I feel like he is hiding things from me. Clearly, he is hiding things from you. You are concerned about flirting. It seems very possible that he is having affairs. Did he take that trip alone to visit the woman? How is the rest of your relationship? Sex, time together, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
curvylady12 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 As his wife do I have the right to tell him I don't like these relationships? Do I have a right to look at his phone? If it made me that uncomfortable shouldn't he make an effort to stop flirting or keep his relationships more distant for the sake of his wife's feelings? YES! You definitely have reason to feel uncomfortable, and the least he could do is be transparent about his female friendships with you. The fact that he is hiding things is not a good sign. You have to tell him how you feel, even if it will cause a fight. It is not ok for him to flirt with other women like that if he had agreed to a monogamous marriage. It's enough to lead them on into thinking he might have an affair with them, if he hasn't already. If he wants to divorce over it, then maybe that's what should happen. It doesn't sound like he is very respectful of you or your feelings and you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Put your foot down and talk to him about this. So what if you two argue? I mean if your fear is, he's going to divorce you because you confront him and call him on his bulls.hit, then your marriage is worse off than it seems. Your husband has no boundries and should NOT be getting close, crossing lines with other women! Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8ball_lynn Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 Thanks. I guess I just wanted some reassurance that I wasn't being unreasonable. I am thinking about doing marriage counseling and I will talk to him. He tells me he loves me all the time and he is a great supportive husband and father. We have date nights once a week but don't get to spend a lot of time with eachother because we have a 16 month old and we work opposite shifts so we don't depend on a babysitter. . It is just his relationships with other women seem inappropriate. And even if he is not cheating, certain things make me uncomfortable and he should respect that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8ball_lynn Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 This morning he left his phone and it was unlocked so I took a peek. Feel guilty doing that but glad I did it cause now I know he is cheating. I found the texts, "sexting", naked pics of a girl he works with. Texts to multiple girls!!!! I still don't know if he ever actually had sex with anyone else while we were together, but this is enough of a betrayal. I don't know how to confront him. I feel so angry right now and surprisingly I couldn't even cry. I was shaking as I held his phone in my hand. He was sleeping upstairs this morning while I got ready for work. I am at work now and this is all that is going to be in my mind. How could he hurt me like this? You think you know someone after 11 years!!! I feel so hurt, lost, angry. Our daughter is only 16 months. Do I kick him out of the house tonight? Should I still give this marriage a chance even after this, if he still wants? I am Catholic and really never believed in divorce, but how could I stay in a relationship like this? How should I confront him? This is going to be a long night ahead of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Kinder-Horror Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 He is definitely, definitely hiding things from you. It's a difficult scenario because these girls are far away - so he can easily default in a confrontation with you to them just being friends, and that he is obviously not engaging in a physical affair, as they aren't local - but it sounds like he is having at the very least an emotional affair (if nothing else with anyone else locally, or with miss sunshine when he is in town). I can't say if you have the right to look in his phone - while I think you do (simply because I think my fiancee has the right to look in my phone... but I am not hiding anything), others will say you absolutely do not. I can say that I believe you absolutely have the right to tell him you don't like those relationships! They do not sound platonic in the least, and if they are, they have crossed a boundary with his WIFE. He needs to pull back on these "friendships." The very fact that you bringing it up makes him want a divorce is a HUGE red flag. Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Shiloh 2011 Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 This morning he left his phone and it was unlocked so I took a peek. Feel guilty doing that but glad I did it cause now I know he is cheating. I found the texts, "sexting", naked pics of a girl he works with. Texts to multiple girls!!!! I still don't know if he ever actually had sex with anyone else while we were together, but this is enough of a betrayal. I don't know how to confront him. I feel so angry right now and surprisingly I couldn't even cry. I was shaking as I held his phone in my hand. He was sleeping upstairs this morning while I got ready for work. I am at work now and this is all that is going to be in my mind. How could he hurt me like this? You think you know someone after 11 years!!! I feel so hurt, lost, angry. Our daughter is only 16 months. Do I kick him out of the house tonight? Should I still give this marriage a chance even after this, if he still wants? I am Catholic and really never believed in divorce, but how could I stay in a relationship like this? How should I confront him? This is going to be a long night ahead of me. 1- Get a sitter or a relative to take your child out for a few hours. 2- Tell him what you found. When you get the long-winded, teary explanation, cut him off. 3- Tell him he has to leave, immediately. 4- Get counseling for youself. 5- Don't let Catholic dogma, i.e. other people's thoughts, stop you from doing what you need to do to fix this situation so you are happy and your daughter is protected. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki82 Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Don't be afraid of him! How did you let him get so much control over you?? If he threatens to end the marriage over this, then that should be exactly what you want. Don't be weak. You're showing weakness. Start calm, but firm. And get angry if you have to (just not angry enough to have the cops come over). Can you support yourself or do you depend on him financially? If you depend on him financially, start building up your secret savings account NOW. Find a job. Even part time. Get a resume and skill to be hire-able. Play nice and "oblivious" while you build your cash funds. Then drop the bomb and roll the F out. =) Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 When he is at work pack his stuff in boxes, put them in the driveway and stick printouts of the messages on them. Don't say anything just do this. He will get the message to leave. I wouldn't hesitate for one second to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Sometimes people make mistakes, have affairs Affairs are never "mistakes". Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 20, 2011 Share Posted October 20, 2011 Affairs are mistakes, just never accidents. Mistake defined: an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc. That definition doesn't describe the typical reasons for an affair. I don't see low self esteem, selfishness, self gratification at the expense of others, low moral compass, etc. "poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc." would indicate that one doesn't really understand what they're doing is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
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