Sustaining passion/love/enthusiasm?

[HeavenOrHell]

Have you managed to sustain the passion and 'lovey dovey' feelings you had in the first year or so?

 

I managed to but feel like my partner hasn't, lately it feels like his initial in love/infatuation/excitement/enthusiasm has died down now, we're in the next level of our r/ship and I'm not sure it's enough for me, it would be different if he were here, living day to day, bonding in that way and knowing how each other feels without having to keep on vocalising it, but we're not. I'm naturally a very affectionate, heart on my sleeve type of person and he's closed emotionally, as he puts it, I guess it was easier for him to be more forthcoming with his feelings in the earlier days when he was more head over heels.

 

Now I feel taken for granted, and I've toned down my affection, my loving words etc, which feels unnatural for me I don't know how to sustain things from a distance if he's not putting as much in as he did. I'm sure he thinks everything is fine and he's happy with things the way they are.

 

When we're together it all feels fine, except when we had our longest time together, 11 days, after a week or so, he didn't initiate affection as much as usual, and it's usually me lately who initiates holding hands and most of our hugs. I realise you can't be lovey dovey all the time day in day out, and that it will wax and wane, it's just this damn distance.

I'm not sure I can handle him not being as demonstrative as he used to be when we're apart.

 

We've been together a year and a half, met up about 11 times, every other month, we still plenty of daily contact, mostly initiated by him.

 

Lately I feel more like a friend when we're apart (not when we're together, in fact our last visit, last month was the best yet), it's usually me who now initiates sex when we're apart, (not when we're together) until recently it was equal, everything was, I've become bored with sex now when we're apart, what's the point if it's just me initiating it, I can't be bothered either, subsequently my sex drive has pretty much gone out the window, sex doesn't interest me unless it's with/about the person I love, but I feel he's happy doing his own thing sexually as it were, and I'm not included much anymore. When we're together it's amazing.

 

I feel we'd have a wonderful r/ship if we were together most of the time, but we're not, but maybe it would all wane for him IRL too and I'd be left with nothing, I don't know.

 

He used to call me sweet names and say he missed me etc etc, but don't get any of that now, just now and again he'll say something loving and I'll think oh he does still care then. I found myself looking through his older emails just to read/get some affection from him and remember how it was. Feels like we're an old married couple now. Things started to change about 2 months ago, around the time (but just before) his job transfer fell through, and it made him worry what would happen to us.

 

He's not being cold towards me or anything, it's just different to how it was.

 

I don't feel he loves me any less, however I need to be shown it as much as ever, otherwise I tend to feel unhappy/unsatisfied/bored/unfulfilled and start to back off.

 

I dont what know what to say to him, how in the hell can I say you need to show me love like you used to. These things can't be forced, surely either I accept him as he is, or I break up with him as we're not compatible in this way. I don't want to break up though as he's the person I love and want to be with, I think he feels the same still, or maybe he doesn't, but doesn't know how to say it.

 

Sad thing is when we're together it feels so right, and it used to feel right when we were apart too, now I'm not sure what he's able to give is enough for me, if he'd never been very loving etc then maybe I'd never have fallen for him, but he was. I feel upset with him for changing, ruining things.

 

I can handle the distance if he's being demonstrative, if he's not, I can't, maybe he can't give any more that he does already though.

 

I've tried to push it to one side, thinking I know he loves me, and thinking it's just my low self esteem looking at the negatives, but it's getting to me more and more.

 

I've been feeling alone lately cos of it, feeling alone in missing him for example, no idea if he ever misses me, it's making me miserable now, it's sad as things were going so well.

 

He is stressed at work lately, but it's changed since before that really.

 

Ugh, just can't decide whether to just accept he's not as demonstrative as me, maybe I'm looking for problems where there are none. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want out and would be pretty gutted if I walked away.

Edited October 16, 2011 by HeavenOrHell

[HeavenOrHell]

Ultimately, what I'm saying is, is this the normal way or r/ships, does the initial enthusiasm die down?

 

It's like he doesn't need to show it as much now we're established, so he feels it, but doesn't feel he needs to say it or show it as much.

Edited October 16, 2011 by HeavenOrHell

[mkpark0430]

It's like he doesn't need to show it as much now we're established, so he feels it, but doesn't feel he needs to say it or show it as much.

 

 

I'm in the exact situation. I could relate to so many things you said. My boyfriend no longer seems like the person he used to be. I keep finding myself complaining to my friends that "he changed" cause I could never say it to him directly.

I usually hated lovey dovey or mushy acts of affection, and my bf was the one who eased me out of that shell. He was usually the initiator, the guider, the teacher, all that. But now I can't see where his affection is at. Whenever we skype, it is obvious on his face that he could care less about making sweet comments. Just like you said, it's not that he's cold, he's just not as initiative as before. Neither is he that responsive anymore. This might be a sexist comment, but honestly so many girls want their significant other to be the one who starts things, the one who hugs you out of the blue, the one who says I love you first. We want our guys to show that they love us, all the time. It really is a blow to us when we are faced with the challenge of having to kiss first, hug first, etc. and we're left feeling like we're unloved.

 

I don't have an answer to this.. I really want one too. Sorry I couldn't provide you with any advice but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. Anyone who has any help they can give, please reply!

[jean2011]

i completely had this problem with my last boyfriend, and we've been very on and off for over two years because of it. our current status: talking and trying to work things out. here's the problem: the honeymoon phase has worn off. here's what you need to know: this is completely normal. to work this out, both of you have to be willing. just remember why you fell in love with this person in the first place. remember that sweet surprises are one of the best ways to show someone you care.

hope this helps at least a little!

[Ross MwcFan]

I think this might be a normal thing that happens in a lot of relationships. I don't think it has to mean he doesn't love you anymore.

 

You should totally talk to him about it. Find out what's going on. It should help you to feel better.

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks for your reply

Sorry to hear you're in a similar position

Until a few weeks ago we initiated things equally which is how I like it, I don't want either of us to initiate all the time. I just wish he'd show me as much as he used to, doesn't have to be all the time as that would be a bit much even for me

I do envy people who have demonstrative, emotionally open partners!

In an LDR all this stuff is so important, showing love and affection, because it's all we have when we're apart, we have to show it somehow or it will fall apart.

How long have you been together?

 

 

I'm in the exact situation. I could relate to so many things you said. My boyfriend no longer seems like the person he used to be. I keep finding myself complaining to my friends that "he changed" cause I could never say it to him directly.

I usually hated lovey dovey or mushy acts of affection, and my bf was the one who eased me out of that shell. He was usually the initiator, the guider, the teacher, all that. But now I can't see where his affection is at. Whenever we skype, it is obvious on his face that he could care less about making sweet comments. Just like you said, it's not that he's cold, he's just not as initiative as before. Neither is he that responsive anymore. This might be a sexist comment, but honestly so many girls want their significant other to be the one who starts things, the one who hugs you out of the blue, the one who says I love you first. We want our guys to show that they love us, all the time. It really is a blow to us when we are faced with the challenge of having to kiss first, hug first, etc. and we're left feeling like we're unloved.

 

I don't have an answer to this.. I really want one too. Sorry I couldn't provide you with any advice but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. Anyone who has any help they can give, please reply!

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks for your reply Jean.

Has he said to you why he doesn't show you as much affection now? Have you talked openly about it? I'm finding it a hard subject to bring up.

 

Do you feel like you've been just as affectionate as ever, but he hasn't? This is what's happened in my case.

 

I asked him last night if he's ok with us and he said he is but that he's tired and stressed because of work and he apologised. I can't see it improving though even work becomes less stressful. If it were just a phase I could deal with that.

 

I'm starting to feel bored and dissatisfied, and upset with him for ruining things, although he doesn't know that.

 

 

 

i completely had this problem with my last boyfriend, and we've been very on and off for over two years because of it. our current status: talking and trying to work things out. here's the problem: the honeymoon phase has worn off. here's what you need to know: this is completely normal. to work this out, both of you have to be willing. just remember why you fell in love with this person in the first place. remember that sweet surprises are one of the best ways to show someone you care.

hope this helps at least a little!

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks Ross. it's just crucial in an LDR to show affection in whatever ways you can, otherwise it all just fades out It takes two to keep it going.

I can't really talk to him about it at the moment as he's got a very stressful time at work at the moment, bad timing.

I don't think he loves me less, hope not anyway, I've just lost the happy feeling I had, I feel more like a friend than partner lately, I don't feel special or as important as I did. I'm seeing him in 4 weeks, so I'll see how it goes.

 

 

I think this might be a normal thing that happens in a lot of relationships. I don't think it has to mean he doesn't love you anymore.

 

You should totally talk to him about it. Find out what's going on. It should help you to feel better.

[HeavenOrHell]

I feel like he'll never move now if he's not so head over in heels enthusiastic as he was Although it's a mistake to move when you're in the honeymoon phase, I think that's moving too quickly, you need to see how things are after that.

 

I'm worried he'll give up on us now he can't transfer his job, he has seemed less loving since then It changed around that time.

 

Basically his job is his priority, I understand that, I have my reasons for not moving too. It all seems pretty hopeless really.

[Els]

IMO this is an inherent negative trait of LDRs, not so much your relationship. I struggled with it for the 2 years of distance when I was in another country with bf, and the only resolution I had managed to find for it was finally being together. If the level of intimacy is personally acceptable to you, ie you find it okay but you're just worried about its implications, I would just consider it one of 'those things' you have to put up with til you're together again.

[thehead]

It sounds like a combination of the stress from work, settling into the relationship, and being LD.

 

Most of us men have to make an effort at being romantic. It's not part of our daily mindset. At work, we're in logic mode. At the gym or playing sports, we're in competitive mode. We have to make a big shift to get into romance mode and that's easier to do at the beginning of a relationship when everything's fresh and new. As time goes on, we relax. Then when under stress, shifting to romance is not only harder but less on our minds as we focus on the stressful situation. We don't love you any less. We just operate differently and our romantic side is buried a little deeper.

 

He may need some reminding how important these things are to you, HeavenorHell. Especially if this is his first LDR.

[Omei]

HOH I know how you feel, me and my SO are going on our 5th year and I feel like the passion has been lost and I have just accepted it, sometimes I feel a flicker of anger but I ignore it and it go's away, we now only seem to get passionate when we're together "IRL" Otherwise on both sides we're kinda just floating about, it sucks, feels like we're just friends. The sex is good no issues there its more like a lets get off for each other now than romance.( cam doesn't interest me much after having the real deal esp weeks after visits.) (There are every once and a while few days out of the blue tho, that's good I guess I mean its better than nothing, honeymoon is over for him, I think mine just ended within the last few months.)

Edited October 19, 2011 by Omei

[befreckled]

I think what you are feeling is so normal. I feel it in waves. The bf had a special nickname for me and he rarely uses it now. It's sort of silly because, I am hung up on him greeting me with that, it feels like I want it to come back. That said, like all the others, we are good in real life. I wish we were less vanilla - well he was less vanilla. but that's another story for another day.

 

I suppose accepting it is one thing - I find better utterly quirky helps. Sometimes, I tell myself be aggressive with compliments and actions for while so it gets him in the mood as well. Who's to say, he doesn't share the feeling but doesn't want it to be a one-way street?

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks for your reply Elswyth.

I feel I could have kept up the level of intimacy we had, but he's toned it down, and it takes two to keep it going, I've toned mine down now because he has, which isn't natural for me, I want to give my love heart and soul, it's hard to not think about my last r/ship where it was equal for years, both gave and received affection equally.

The level of affection we have now, when we're apart, isn't enough to sustain things for me

I could cope with it if there was an end in sight, but there isn't, and I can't ever see him getting the enthusiasm to move now he's over the honeymoon phase.

I think it's pretty hopeless tbh.

 

 

 

IMO this is an inherent negative trait of LDRs, not so much your relationship. I struggled with it for the 2 years of distance when I was in another country with bf, and the only resolution I had managed to find for it was finally being together. If the level of intimacy is personally acceptable to you, ie you find it okay but you're just worried about its implications, I would just consider it one of 'those things' you have to put up with til you're together again.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks for your reply, good to hear a male perspective

I've been reading up about what it's like when the honeymoon phase is over and it totally sounds like him.

 

What you said is pretty much the conclusion I had come to.

 

Maybe most men just aren't as naturally romantic as women. I just feel that he CAN be romantic cos he was, and I'm sad he's pretty much stopped.

 

I'm caught between thinking he's backing off from me (which rationally I don't think so) to thinking he's just relaxed into our r/ship.

 

The way you explained it was really helpful, thank you

 

 

It sounds like a combination of the stress from work, settling into the relationship, and being LD.

 

Most of us men have to make an effort at being romantic. It's not part of our daily mindset. At work, we're in logic mode. At the gym or playing sports, we're in competitive mode. We have to make a big shift to get into romance mode and that's easier to do at the beginning of a relationship when everything's fresh and new. As time goes on, we relax. Then when under stress, shifting to romance is not only harder but less on our minds as we focus on the stressful situation. We don't love you any less. We just operate differently and our romantic side is buried a little deeper.

 

He may need some reminding how important these things are to you, HeavenorHell. Especially if this is his first LDR.

[Omei]

I could cope with it if there was an end in sight, but there isn't, and I can't ever see him getting the enthusiasm to move now he's over the honeymoon phase.

I think it's pretty hopeless tbh.

 

This right here is something that often go's through my mind a lot as well. We don't speak of the future so much anymore in that hopeful lusty way.

[HeavenOrHell]

This isn't his first LDR btw, he's been in a long term r/ship before and I think it was LD for 6 years, then they lived together (she moved to his country) for 5 years. That's his only other r/ship, just had a fling before that.

 

 

It sounds like a combination of the stress from work, settling into the relationship, and being LD.

 

Most of us men have to make an effort at being romantic. It's not part of our daily mindset. At work, we're in logic mode. At the gym or playing sports, we're in competitive mode. We have to make a big shift to get into romance mode and that's easier to do at the beginning of a relationship when everything's fresh and new. As time goes on, we relax. Then when under stress, shifting to romance is not only harder but less on our minds as we focus on the stressful situation. We don't love you any less. We just operate differently and our romantic side is buried a little deeper.

 

He may need some reminding how important these things are to you, HeavenorHell. Especially if this is his first LDR.

[HeavenOrHell]

Seems to be a common thing in r/ships that the men stop making as much effort Not sure if it's just an LDR problem.

Actually in my last r/ship, 18 years together, it was me who stopped making the effort, after about 14 years.

 

 

 

This right here is something that often go's through my mind a lot as well. We don't speak of the future so much anymore in that hopeful lusty way.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks Lisa

Did you turn the corner together, as it were, or did it feel like you one of wasn't quite so enthusiastic?

 

I'm just not sure if he loves me more deeply now, I don't know how he feels, except when we're together it's obvious.

 

>Almost like he is afraid to initiate it because of rejection?< This sounds a bit like my partner, he's not very confident and doesn't like his body, he does initiate sometimes though.

 

 

This is an interesting topic in and of itself: when the relationship passes from that wild eyed "I can't get enough of your body" infatuation/love phase to something more substantial. I very keenly remember when my SO and I turned that corner. I have pictures of him when he would stare at me all starry eyed! And while he still regards me very lovingly it is nothing quite like the intensity of when we first fell in love.

 

It was kind of upsetting for me when I realized we had moved beyond that phase. However, I became more accepting of it when I realized that he actually loves me even more deeply now than he did back then.

 

Now my SO and I have also had the issue of me initiating sex more often than him, but that seems to be more of a personality thing on his part. Even after all this time we have been together he is still reserved with me when it comes to sex. Almost like he is afraid to initiate it because of rejection?

 

I know he wants it often, though... This last summer he was living with me and I asked him how often he thinks us having sex is an acceptable amount. In his most serious, deadpan manner he told me at least 2-3x a day. At the time I was working 6 days a week 10-12 hours a day, there was no way that was going to happen.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks for replies Omei.

I feel like we're just friends too lately.

 

Just don't know what to say, or whether to just accept it and not make a fuss, if I make a fuss he might say you're obviously not happy (as we've had other problems along the way, mostly his ex) so let's end it.

 

 

 

HOH I know how you feel, me and my SO are going on our 5th year and I feel like the passion has been lost and I have just accepted it, sometimes I feel a flicker of anger but I ignore it and it go's away, we now only seem to get passionate when we're together "IRL" Otherwise on both sides we're kinda just floating about, it sucks, feels like we're just friends. The sex is good no issues there its more like a lets get off for each other now than romance.( cam doesn't interest me much after having the real deal esp weeks after visits.) (There are every once and a while few days out of the blue tho, that's good I guess I mean its better than nothing, honeymoon is over for him, I think mine just ended within the last few months.)

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm hung up on wanting to hear my partner call me something nice again too. I'm not sure I'd have got into a r/ship if I'd known he was so unforthcoming day to day, as I'm so affectionate, he was until recently though, so I didn't know that would change, silly me

I continued to talk to him lovingly online, even after he pretty much stopped, then I just felt silly as it felt one sided.

 

I think what you are feeling is so normal. I feel it in waves. The bf had a special nickname for me and he rarely uses it now. It's sort of silly because, I am hung up on him greeting me with that, it feels like I want it to come back. That said, like all the others, we are good in real life. I wish we were less vanilla - well he was less vanilla. but that's another story for another day.

 

I suppose accepting it is one thing - I find better utterly quirky helps. Sometimes, I tell myself be aggressive with compliments and actions for while so it gets him in the mood as well. Who's to say, he doesn't share the feeling but doesn't want it to be a one-way street?

[HeavenOrHell]

http://uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_60/84_dating_tips.html

 

This describes him well ^

 

It's really getting to me, to the point I feel really low and unfulfilled, I have to say something, but I don't know what to say or how to say it, do I drop it into the conversation in a lighthearted way, or should I be more serious..

 

How do I say you don't show me enough affection anymore?!

 

It sounds way too needy, pressuring, accusing, heavy

 

What's the point in *asking* someone to be affectionate? I want it to come from him and not cos I've asked him, it's like asking someone to buy you flowers, it takes the point of it away. I never had to ask for it in the whole 18 years with my ex, it was mutual.

 

Feels easier to walk away, and just say the distance is too much and we've no end in sight, so let's call it a day. But that's not fair on him as it gives him no chance to say how he feels and to put it right if possible.

 

Or do I put up and shut up? And just accept he loves me still, and just enjoy the times we have together (and feel pretty unhappy in between visits now). It doesn't feel enough to sustain things anymore.

 

When things are good between us the distance hardly bothers me, but when I don't feel close or connected to him it becomes unbearable.

 

I don't want to lose him, I feel so stuck

[HeavenOrHell]

When I think about how enthusiastic he was in the first few months, he was more enthusiastic than me, he told me he loved me first, he started talking about transferring jobs and moving very early on in our r/ship, and I said it was too soon to talk about it, and that upset him as he thought I wasn't committed to us.

 

He's a genuine person and lovely, but I should have known that much enthusiasm couldn't last, now his lack of it is killing mine.

[Viking]

Based on the frantic and multiple posts where you are trying to justify his attitude and lack of affection, I would say that you know there is something quite wrong.

 

When was the last time you saw him? How old are you both? Have you been in an LDR before? Did you know that there would be a only a slight chance of him being able to move to you?

 

You will never get the answers to your questions unless you ask him. We won't be able to tell you because we do not know him and are not him. As difficult as it can be, confrontation is usually the best for this kind of thing.

[HeavenOrHell]

We had a good talk about it, he apologised for being distant. I said I wondered if it was just cos we'd gone though the honeymoon period and come out the other side and he said no, I hope not! He said work stress is getting to him, and that he just closes up when he's stressed/depressed, he said he doesn't want me to be unhappy and if I want to be just friends he understands that, equally if work gets even worse he said maybe friendship might be better for a while as he doesn't want to feel he's letting me down/not giving me what I need.

I said I wondered if it was just cos we'd gone though the honeymoon period and come out the other side and he said no, I hope not!

He said he doesn't want me to think he doesn't care about me or think or worry about me anymore just because he's busy.

We don't want to split up, but it might be that a very stressful job and an LDR don't mix, we'll see how it goes.

Realistically he might never be able to move.

LDR's with no end in sight suck basically.