trueluV Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 I know usually guys would see how things go with the girl and then start a serious relationship with her, and even in some cases though it goes well and sex is involved the guy might not want to be committed and be in an exclusive relationship with the girl. so, my confusion and question is: i met a guy last week, we went on two dates, and the second date lasted nearly 10 hours. we couldn't stop talking...we felt very comfortable. (and nothing physical involved-no sex & no kiss) when i first met him, he told me he likes me and said he can tell if he likes a girl once he talks to her. so i said, you just met me once and you don't know me yet, but he kept saying he knows. then we met again second time, and this time, he told me even more directly, that next time he sees me, he wants me to be his girlfriend. so i asked him isn't it too "serious" for that "committed relationship" at this stage? but he said he wants a real committed relationship with me. so i said maybe you are infatuated by me, but he kept saying no, i want to have a relationship with you, not just sex. (and no we didn't even kiss yet) i'm confused now, because isn't this what guys try to avoid as long as they can?? most of the guys i met weren't into commitment and exclusivity, but this one's a total opposite so i don't know how to take this. any thoughts? thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
grkBoy Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Not all guys are cut the same. I don't know if I'd be as strong as him, but I understand his mentality. He finds a steady girlfriend and even a wife as more appealing than banging a new girl every week. If he's not the jealous type, and isn't royally insecure, then you might have found a keeper. Would you rather a guy WANT commitment with you as opposed to you trying to wrangle it out of him six months into dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Never mind the myths about what "guys" want or don't want. This particular guy would like to feel like you're his girlfriend. Why not just deal with that on its own merits? I can ID with him. If I date someone and like her and then connect even more on the second date, I'll probably have strong feelings and hopes. I might not be as obvious about it but the desire to want to let go and consider it a relationship is not abnormal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trueluV Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 thanks for your comments! oh wow...I'm quite surprised by the guy's point of view on this. I always thought guy's would "wait" as long as they can for a serious relationship. - Would you rather a guy WANT commitment with you as opposed to you trying to wrangle it out of him six months into dating? - you're right.... majority of the guys i met were sort of "commitment phobics" so this new guy's behavior was rather new and surprising for me. very interesting insight from guys Link to post Share on other sites
Dvick89 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Not all guys are afraid of commitment. I know fairly quickly if im interested enough that I want to take a shot at making it a serious relationship. A week and 2 dates is a little too quick in my opinion. But for example I got in contact with an old friend of mine recently and we started talking and hung out a few times and I knew I wanted to take it to the next level. She did not. In my case it was the girl who didnt want anything serious, it goes both ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Just make sure he's not just in it for sex. He might be hoping you'll have sex with him on the third date if you're already his girlfriend. Some women are more willing to rush into sex once they have the "girlfriend" label. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Just make sure he's not just in it for sex. He might be hoping you'll have sex with him on the third date if you're already his girlfriend. Some women are more willing to rush into sex once they have the "girlfriend" label. +1.. it may very well be part of his game.. lower the wall, get to the sex faster. Regardless.. 2 dates is too fast.. what bad thing could come from waiting on more time together ?..none Link to post Share on other sites
Pasttense Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Never hear of love at first site? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 Never hear of love at first site? No.. but I have heard of "love at first sight".. When it is one sided it isn't good.. it's called infatuation not love.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mallow Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 If you feel that it's too soon to become a couple, let him know. Go on more dates with him without a title. Take time to see if the connection is there. Two dates is rather quick. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 I dunno, this could be a perfectly good guy, but for some reason its scream,ing to me of "guy who is the highly jealous and possessive type". He could be wanting this girlfriend title because of women he dated that dumped him early on, or he might be the type of guy that doesnt want you to go out without him...at any rate, if any other red flags come up, dont ignore them. Things about him might start creeping up that might explain this behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trueluV Posted October 17, 2011 Author Share Posted October 17, 2011 yes, i think 2 dates is too soon to label things. as you guys suggested, i will meet him and see if he has any hidden "intentions" to be in a relationship with me this soon, or if his feelings are true. i hope it's not just infatuation..because i've been hurt many times in the past with guys (who are totally opposites-"commitment phobics"). thanks for your input on this. will keep you posted! Link to post Share on other sites
grkBoy Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Just tell him you want to slow down a bit. Tell him you think it's wonderful that he wants commitment, but you feel it's too soon. Maybe let him know there is a possibility, but for now you just want to see him and get to know him deeper before you decide to hang up the "taken" sign. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trueluV Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Just tell him you want to slow down a bit. Tell him you think it's wonderful that he wants commitment, but you feel it's too soon. Maybe let him know there is a possibility, but for now you just want to see him and get to know him deeper before you decide to hang up the "taken" sign. Dear grkBoy, Thanks a lot for your sincere input. If his feelings are really true then it would be great, but if it's not (as others posted, just a way to sleep with me) i would be really hurt. I do want to believe he's a true person, so i'll take your advice and see how it goes. thanks! will keep you posted. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 if that's what he's really feeling he won't go anywhere anytime soon. but not even kissing is rather odd. i've felt that way about a few women after just a few dates but if there wasn't even kissing involved to show me some level of mutual attraction i wouldn't come out and say that stuff so directly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trueluV Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 if that's what he's really feeling he won't go anywhere anytime soon. but not even kissing is rather odd. i've felt that way about a few women after just a few dates but if there wasn't even kissing involved to show me some level of mutual attraction i wouldn't come out and say that stuff so directly. yes, i agree, it would be odd if there was not even a kiss involved and he wanted a committed relationship. the thing is, he tried to kiss me many times, but i am way too shy and i wasn't sure if i was ready to kiss him, so i pulled back all the time. he knows i am shy, so i think it is okay, it's not like i rejected him by not kissing him. so when we were parting last time, he asked me to give him a big hug at least, so i did and he squeezed me so hard, which somehow felt good...and made me think i can kiss him next time. so, there was no actual kiss, but he did touch me a lot and we hugged Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 but you did reject him...he can't read your mind. go through with the kiss, that's harmless. Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Every situation and person is different. Someone I've known for years occasionally feels compelled to tell me he loves me even though we've never kissed. Usually after a few drinks. Was alcohol involved?? Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 ... and I need to add... The important thing is deciding what your relationship goals are. There are people (both men and women) who are actively looking for a committed relationship. Talking about those goals early on is nothing to be ashamed about and something you should stick to so that you don't waste time with commitment phobes. Commitment phobes come in all shapes and sizes. Men, women, old, young. If they just want no-strings attached sex or a FWB, that is fine too, if that is what you are looking for and are prepared to face the consequences of. With all of that said... there are people who play the 'game' of wanting commitment, when all they really want is sex (LOTs of those people here... you'll see). I'd still say that it is still worth the risk of putting your expectations out there and not settling... at least you aren't a partner in your own demise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trueluV Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 there are people who play the 'game' of wanting commitment, when all they really want is sex (LOTs of those people here... you'll see). see....that's what i am afraid of - the ones that "play the game" to look like they are looking for a committed relationship when all they want is sex. most of the guys i've met were commitment phobics, totally opposite of this one, so i don't know how to take it, or trust him...but at the same time if he is really a good one who doesn't want to play, then i don't want to lose him either... dating is tough!! Link to post Share on other sites
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 see....that's what i am afraid of - the ones that "play the game" to look like they are looking for a committed relationship when all they want is sex. most of the guys i've met were commitment phobics, totally opposite of this one, so i don't know how to take it, or trust him...but at the same time if he is really a good one who doesn't want to play, then i don't want to lose him either... dating is tough!! Players don't tend to last beyond 3-4 dates without getting sex. Someone who is really into you will wait and won't unduly attempt to push your limits. No worries. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 it's not really that hard, it's just a matter of honestly/rationally considering people's words and actions. people can play a game for a date or three, sure, but they have to be extraordinarily talented liars to not let their true colors slip after a month or two. talk to him about your ideas and boundaries, see what he says and what he does. but i still maintain that kissing is harmless so do that at least . Link to post Share on other sites
Author trueluV Posted October 19, 2011 Author Share Posted October 19, 2011 it's not really that hard, it's just a matter of honestly/rationally considering people's words and actions. people can play a game for a date or three, sure, but they have to be extraordinarily talented liars to not let their true colors slip after a month or two. talk to him about your ideas and boundaries, see what he says and what he does. but i still maintain that kissing is harmless so do that at least . thanks so much for your input. i needed someone telling me this! so, you are saying if he is a player and i don't sleep with him by date 3-4, he will move on, right? so in my case, should i follow this (not sleep with him) and see if he is a true one? i've gotten hurt so many times, so in the back of my head i fear if he'll leave me... but okay, i will try the kiss next time. one thing, when i first met him, i did tell him i am not looking to meet with someone who just wants to "play around", and eventually i want marriage. but if he's a real player then he wouldn't care about any of the above, right? Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 yeah, pretty much. as TAL said in all likelihood he's not going to put much effort into someone who isn't sleeping with him after a month or so if that's all he's after. he'll just go on to the next phone number and start contacting you less (or not at all). there's no harm in telling him what you want, and him telling you what he wants. if the stated want doesn't match up with the actions a person takes, that's when you know something is wrong. that's the catch, you have to tell him the truth, and see how he reacts to it. there's no way to hide your cards and still find out everything you need to know. you have to lay your feelings on the table and see what he does with what you've told him. Link to post Share on other sites
Cypress25 Posted October 19, 2011 Share Posted October 19, 2011 Players are generally impatient. They only want sex and they're not going to wait very long. So if you wait a few months and he's still with you, then it's safe to say he's probably sincere about his feelings for you. And if he's sincere, then he'll wait for you. That's the best way to weed out the players. Link to post Share on other sites
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