should i have seen a lot of red flags?

[k100danny]

I never really thought about things i may have overlooked getting into my relationship until reading someone else post so ive decided to post up my story, it may be quite long but if i can have someones opinion on my relationship it will greatly help me. I am going to therapy at the moment but im unsure of my actual issues and if anyone can point anything out that would be great. im sure there are red flags i should have spotted and stayed out of this relatioship but for whatever reason i didnt.

 

I had know this girl when i was quite young say 13-14 and she went ou with one of my friends at that time, i kind of liked her but used to be a bit mean as kids are, maybe because i quite liked her.

 

anyway 15 years pass and we are friends on facebook but had never chatted. she comments on my status one day and we end up having a little catch up via messages and we add each other on messenger for iphone. we start to chat now and again and its quite fun to catch up and me being quite lonely was nice to have someone to chat too. anyway we start chatting more often and she tells me she has come out of a bad relationship, her ex used emotional blackmail to make her stay saying he would kill himself. anyway she has been out of the relationship for around 6 months when we start speaking but she said it was over around a year before this but for lots of reasons she felt she couldnt leave.

 

so we talk about exs breifly then just start to form a friendship, we talk about books, life goals, likes and dislikes ect and after a while she asks if i would like to go out for lunch. i joke and say ok but its not a date ect although i did quite like her and i think i had maybe bumped into her out once before this happened. I agreee and we go out, have a ncie time chatting no real awkwardness and it feels like we have been friends for a long time. have a hug to say bye and she goes home, now we keep chatting and maybe slightly flirt but nothing serious just kind of joking around. we start to text more and the odd phonecall and seem to be getting on great. we go out again at a later date maybe a month later and she comes back to my house, we watch a movie and kind of cuddle but no kissing ect and she leaves again. she later told me that after i didnt make a move she thought i didnt like her so she tried to forget me after this as a romantic partner anyway not as a friend we stay in touch, we start talking a lot more and it becomes clear she likes me and i suppose i always did her too. this goes on for another month and then we start flirting, i admit that i do find her very attractive and she said she has always found me attractive since being young but she didnt think i looked at he that way so tried to put it out of her mind especially after i took her back to my house and then called her a cab without making a move.

 

we admit that we have kind of developed feelings for each other and she says she isnt ready for anything really serious and i say im not looking for that anyway. ( this should have been a red flag i see this now) and i probably knew that if we got together i wasnt looking for a casual relations, i maybe overlooked this red flag as she seemed to really like me so i thought this will work.

 

well we start sleeping together and she seems to adore me, we have a chat saying we arent gonna jump into anything but this was not a **** buddy type relationship and we were exclusive to one another. she tells her friends about me, introduces me to her family ect and they all seem really happy for her, they say she never seems really interested in guys but she hadnt stopped talking about me. even her friedns boyfriends knew things about me when i first met them.

 

Now i got jealous very quickly and i see that i shouldnt have, i dont get into many relationships and i felt quite happy but i told myself that there must be things i dont like about her if im feeling jealous ect. we have our first arguement after two weeks, she had told me during a friendly chat a couple of months before that when she was younger she experimented with women and had a short relationship with one, although she didnt consider herself bisexual and always pictured a happy married life with kids that she still found women attractive. The argument happened when we were out at a bar, she drinks quite a bit or gets drunk very quickly and a girl came over that is gay and it looked like my girlfriend was flirting with her, now had she not told me she had experiences with women id have probably just taken it as girls fooling around. I wasnt happy and got very jealous, on the same night leaving the club a guy shouts of her and she gives him a hug and walks back to me and we walk off. now she had told me about this guy around a week after we got together, someone had given him her number and he had been texting her ect, she told me this and said this guy has been texting me i just wanted you to know, ive told him im in a relationship now and if he calls ect i wont answer or reply. (i think ok that seems very honest) but we still have an argument when i see her hug this guy who she knows slightly and we have an arguement about him and the girl in one night.

 

she cries and says she loves me, she would never want a woman over me and she was just being friendly to the guy he hasnt done anything (which i suppose is true) she was single when he started to chat to her. anyway we get past this then i get jealous again the next week because she tells me her ex boyfriend owes her some money and she agreed to go to lunch because he had made her feel guilty by saying his daughter wanted to see her and even got his daughter to text saying looking forward to seeing you. She goes out for lucnh with him, calls me straight after saying it was awkward and thanks me for being understanding.

 

From this point on im starting to get very pre occupied and jealous, we have a few more arguments, one is about facebook (i know childish) i noticed she had delted everything from her facebook wall, and when i asked her about it she said her ex kept pestering saying add me back on facebook and made up some excuse that he wanted to be able to get some old picture of holidays ect. so i say that im worried that he seems to still have a hold on her and she says she just doesnt want to upset him because of the things he had done before threaten to kill himself ect and she just wanted him to move on. sooo Around a week later we are laid on my bed and she says something like i wish he would change his password, i ask what she means as she is sat with her phone and she says i keep checking my exs facebook by logging in, WTF??? I ask why she would do that, and she says its because he tries to manipulate her and after they broke up it kind of became a habit, she said she wanted to know he had moved on with someone else and that she could cut all ties for good.

 

Thid makes me very wary, she has told me a few times int he weeks previous to this that he had turned up at her mums house and even tried to do some favours for her mum. I am very wary but also think to myself well she seems to be being honest with me about it and just telling me.

 

anyway she starts to pull away as im getting very jealous and in the end we finish. well she tells me she isnt ready for something so full on and she doesnt feel she is making me happy and she doesnt know if she can give me what i need.

 

ive found it really hard to get over this relationship, she seemed so into me, i mean she could have lied and told me she liked me so much and didnt but she wouldnt lie to her close friends and boyfriends and they were so happy for her. I hate the person i became all jealous and insecure. i contacted her a lot after the relationship trying to work out exactly what had gone wrong, she said my anxious behaviour pushed her away and she started to feel controlled and she wasnt sure she was ready for that, to be so serious so early on. Now i know i shouldnt have gotten jealous on some of the occasions, i just wanted a happy relationship and she seemed really happy with me at the start. should i have picked up on some red flags or was this ruined because of how i am?

 

I told myself that she wasnt ready and that some of her behaviour/ or the way she was i didnt like this is what made me behave like i did but im unsure what the actual case is. any outside perspective would be great, it has been two months now so im unsure if i have all the facts here, i got more anxious the more she pulled away and i tried to pull her back i think. she has since moved on, not in a relationship but has kissed people she has told me. i wish i could let this go, i dont know if ive made huge mistakes or we really werent right for each other. she wasnt what i pictured my ideal wife to be or anything but she was pretty, inteligent, same kind of background ect and similar life goals, large family ect.

[mrdinosaur]

woahh, I read the whole thing... Its so easy to lose yourself when youre in a relationship with someone and has made you feel that they care and suddenly everything just the opposite.

 

In my opinion she should probably had put more efforts to re assure you about her feelings instead of telling all this stuff to you. otherwise she isnt really quite moved on yet or something.

 

I think she just wanted to try whether you guys will work out, as I read somewhere at the beginning of the story she didnt want to get to a serious relationship just yet. so that would be the first clue you should ve seen.

 

i think she finally realized you guys are not going to work out. and shes just not that into you i supposed.

 

goodluck!