Exasperating date....

[D-Lish]

At the onset these men can be extremely charming and always willing to help out. They also have a knack for finding partners that are in need of specific emotional needs and they are very good at meeting those needs.

 

The OP is very impressed with how in tune this guy is with her. If the poster has a need for external validation she is a sitting duck for this guy.

 

I don't need external validation- if anything I think the guy I am dating does.

 

I don't really have any specific emotional needs at the moment. I'm stressed out with my job, and it is taking a toll on me, and he is in tune with that.

 

It's not that I'm impressed that he seems to understand me in a deeper way than other men I've dated- but I do find it perplexing in contrast to his constant need to build himself up to me.

[snug.bunny]

As mentioned before, he was on "intimate encounters". We talked a lot about that before meeting, we had a lot of back and forth emails. He hasn't even tried to push things sexually. I was pretty upfront that I wouldn't be anyone's fwb.

 

I don't know what kind of personality I am attracted to if I'm being honest. I do want a "take charge" kinda guy with a l lot of sexual energy. I find that when I break up with someone, I tend to seek out their opposite. My "people picker" is off, it always has been since my marriage ended.

 

I know. Sometimes when someone from our past hurts us/screws us over, it can really do a number on you. Especially if you've undergone it back-to-back. So, I know what you mean about the "people picker", I'm sure a lot of people do too.

 

Just beeeeeee careful.

[OneFootOut]

Something you siad struck home with me.

 

That he talked over you. My ex did that ALL the time. I would listen to his day, listen to him brag on himself and all his accomplishments (often inflated ones) and everything else he had to say. I would respond and reply and acknowledge what he said.

 

However when I sarted to say something about my own day, he would start talking right over me, mid sentence and take over the convo again. He never responded or directly replied to anything I had to say. My words just weren't important to him unless they were stroking HIS ego.

 

He also got to where he would be in front of others and take credit for my ideas or anything I was noticed for.

 

Bottom line - he was SELF - CENTERED. You can't change these people. You can't make them care about you, you can't make them care about anything you have to say or you go through unless it directly benefits them or strokes them.

 

You are experiencing this now and seeing what every day of your future will be like with this man. It IS exhausting. And after a while, you might start to feel invisible to him, since he could care less about what you have to say.

 

Sounds like he is looking for a "project" with the vitamins and health advice. And it sounds like he is too much into himself to really ever be into you on a genuine level.

 

Best of luck, if I ever meet one like that again, I'll run

[D-Lish]

I know. Sometimes when someone from our past hurts us/screws us over, it can really do a number on you. Especially if you've undergone it back-to-back. So, I know what you mean about the "people picker", I'm sure a lot of people do too.

 

Just beeeeeee careful.

 

I will be careful. I won't take this relationship to a sexual level unless I am sure it's a good choice.

 

I'm not invested yet, still interested, but not invested. I thought I'd picked a good one the last time, and I didn't.

 

Something you siad struck home with me.

 

That he talked over you. My ex did that ALL the time. I would listen to his day, listen to him brag on himself and all his accomplishments (often inflated ones) and everything else he had to say. I would respond and reply and acknowledge what he said.

 

However when I sarted to say something about my own day, he would start talking right over me, mid sentence and take over the convo again. He never responded or directly replied to anything I had to say. My words just weren't important to him unless they were stroking HIS ego.

 

He also got to where he would be in front of others and take credit for my ideas or anything I was noticed for.

 

Bottom line - he was SELF - CENTERED. You can't change these people. You can't make them care about you, you can't make them care about anything you have to say or you go through unless it directly benefits them or strokes them.

 

You are experiencing this now and seeing what every day of your future will be like with this man. It IS exhausting. And after a while, you might start to feel invisible to him, since he could care less about what you have to say.

 

Sounds like he is looking for a "project" with the vitamins and health advice. And it sounds like he is too much into himself to really ever be into you on a genuine level.

 

Best of luck, if I ever meet one like that again, I'll run

 

I don't know, it's weird, as much as he did all the talking last night, the first few dates were more or less equal. He hears everything I say- I know this because he brings up things I have said.

 

It's also nice to actually seem to have someone in front of me that is inclined to nurture. He's very close to his mother and father (which I see as a good sign). He may just see me as a project, I haven't figured that out just yet. I don't really see myself as project worthy or in need of rescue, but who knows, maybe he sees me as such.

 

The bad kissing tells me he's never had a log term relationship, but I can teach him how I like to be kissed.

[jerbear]

His b-day is September 3rd, not sure what sign that is?

Virgo.

 

The one who bought me to LS was a Virgo. They take awhile to trust with maternal instincts.

 

Sounds like you got a loving "male" mom. Cares and takes care of you, talks down with authority like mom. BTW my mom is a virgo too.

 

I am going to give it another date and see how it goes. I'm going to bring up my issue with him talking too much. I figure I'm not giving him a chance if I don't bring it up and see if anything changes.

 

But, it's true. He always hits the nail on the head with respect to how I'm feeling and why.

 

I do get the impression that he's trying to impress me.

Well I think you are noticing a red flag but decided to give him another another and another chance till the sex happens; then a few months you'll give up. I think it is his health nut, talking, talking down to you, and the excessive caring that will get to you. Pretty much cramp your independence, lifestyle, and talking.

 

BTW, when you do give him a prostate exam, make sure it is worth almonds and walnuts versus peanuts. :lmao:

 

He did fart once, then said sorry and kept talking:lmao:

So it did not stop him, he is the Energizer talker!

[westrock]

I don't know, it's weird, as much as he did all the talking last night, the first few dates were more or less equal.

 

I once heard that if a guy is very interested, he will tend to talk more around the 3rd or 4th date than he does at any other time during the relationship. Not sure if this is 100% true, but this may apply to this guy and why you noticed the sudden change.

 

He hears everything I say- I know this because he brings up things I have said.

 

I think that is a very important quality. It shows that not only does he hear you, but he is paying attention and including you into his thought process.

 

But it also gives you some insight into what he is looking for from you in terms of communication style. What i have found when I come across non-stop talkers like this guy is that they are just looking for some type of verbal acknowledgment that the other person is also listening to them. It's not enough if I just silently listen, I have to make sure that I verbally acknowlege back to the person that I am actually listening. When he brings things up you said he is verbally acknowledging he's been listening to you. He is listening for verbal cues of acknowlegment from you.

 

If you are not already doing so, two things you might want to try :

 

1. When he is talking non-stop, try saying a word or two every so often to express that you are actually listening to him such as "ok", "hmm" and also bring up things he said. See if that slows him down.

 

2. Try asking him some questions about some topic that he might not know too much about but that you can talk about (eg. a hobby that you have). See how he responds and whether he starts asking you questions or gives you a chance to talk on the topic.

[whichwayisup]

I've had more than a few dates with someone I thought had potential.

 

Last night was our first real 'go to dinner, come back to my place, watch a movie with a planned sleepover' date.

 

Now, I've mentioned before that he's very thoughtful. He's surprised me by bring over groceries and cooking me dinner because he doesn't think I eat healthy (I don't- the stress of my job has made me terribly thin). He checks in with me during the day and usually calls before bed to chat, tells me to make I sure I get my rest. All of this is fine, I don't mind it- but last night sort of turned into a strange nightmare.

 

He showed up with all these vitamins for me- and a detailed plan on how to take them. I thought was was going a little overboard (even though I know he's trying to be helpful).

 

The thing is- as much as he does these nice things for me, he doesn't stop talking about himself or his opinion on things. I think I got in maybe 200 words in the last 16 hours we spent together. He just talks non-stop, about his business ventures, plans for the future, all the famous people he's met, all his accomplishments, etc, etc. Barely a break in "his conversation" since he showed up last night until we parted ways about an hour ago.

 

He talked and talked and talked until 6am this morning as we were lying in bed. I drifted off a couple of times to wake up to him still talking. At one point earlier this morning, I went to say something and he interrupted and kept talking. I put my hand over his mouth and asked "can I actually a word in edgewise???"... I was able to say a few things until the conversation got turned back onto him.

 

I don't know if this is just what he's like, whether or not he feels the need to impress me, whether ot not it's been a long time since he had someone to talk to.... But I am exhausted.

 

He does take notice of things I say- and he includes talking "about me" in his conversations, ie: his insight into me, but I don't feel included in those conversations- it's just him talking at me, about me.

 

Talked and talked and talked.... And he's animated when he speaks...It was too much to take in for 16 hours. I don't know how long he kept talking before he realized I was alseep this morning.

 

I don't know what to do, I liked him initially, but this last date turned me off.

 

Anyone ever met someone like this?

 

If you were a guy and in this situation (he's still a guy) I'd tell you to put your c*ck in his mouth to shut him the heck up! :lmao:

 

I haven't read the whole thread yet, just this first one..

 

Can see how that's off putting..And annoying too! Either he's too full of himself and cocky, or he's extremely insecure.

[dispatch3d]

So are all women this good at giving relationship advice? According to this thread he's:

 

manic

crazy

narcissistic

talks way too much just like so and so's x boyfriend

bad in bed because he isn't good at kissing

you have no chemistry

 

If this is true, how the hell does anyone get laid?

[whichwayisup]

Give it a little more time, if he's not that experienced or insecure (you two should have been cuddling, kissing, fooling around all night and not just him talking) that's probably why he became chatty Cathy.

 

Though I do think you should call him out on the over talking if it happens again. He just needs to chill out and relax.. Maybe mention to him that he doesn't need to name drop or do the puffy chest thing, you like him, so no need to impress you.

 

You said kissing.. Did he know what he was doing with his hands??

[dispatch3d]

So how are you going to call him out? Like, last time you were a chatty kathy, so I think you're a narcissist, self absorbed, women hater who doesn't care about anyone else but himself?

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh jeez.

 

Well here I am fresh out of lurking.

 

He isn't a narcissist. He is the male version of me about 2-3 years ago.

 

Include the fact that I am a Gemini.

 

You'll dump him. You simply will. It's okay. He hasn't a great clue about social cues. It's a handicap. He's nice, positive and he'll stick by you for awhile but he will have no clue what your cues are. Plus the kissing thing=intimacy issues. Seriously.

 

He's happy to talk and share. Talking is like a form of fun recreation for him. And it's so so so so so nice to meet someone that enjoys you talking etc. It's so much fun in fact that it is so hard to quit. Especially when you have smart things to say and someone seems interested for awhile.

 

For this guy there is no greater pain then having to shut up. It will feel like rejection.

 

Willing to bet there is a little trauma in the past. I personally find that guys who are more talkative are balancing and overtaxed right frontal lobe (imbalance usually due to some childhood trauma). My personal and strange limited perspective.

 

Especially the vitamins and instructions etc. You are dating me. Just the male version. Although I am sure I would kiss better. LOL. You can decide for yourself if that's sexy or not anymore LOL.

[dreamingoftigers]

So are all women this good at giving relationship advice? According to this thread he's:

 

manic

crazy

narcissistic

talks way too much just like so and so's x boyfriend

bad in bed because he isn't good at kissing

you have no chemistry

 

If this is true, how the hell does anyone get laid?

 

Generally the guy shuts up, listens and finds a way to get his face between our legs.....

 

 

By the way, Virgos are a communicator sign as well.

[Gala]

D-Lish -

 

The guy may or may not be a narcissist, but he does come across as a bonafide control freak. And Virgos...eeeee. Perfectionistic.

 

It is also pretty telling that you were relieved to leave him.

[Trimmer]

I think there is no chemistry here.

Frankly, it sounds like there was a fair amount of chemistry going on - methane, hydrogen, hydrogen sulfide, etc...

 

Sorry, you got me started on farts, and I'm going to ride it all the way.

 

[EasyHeart]

He's not nuts; he's just a Virgo:

 

As the zodiac’s sign of selfless service, he needs to be needed, to serve and protect. Relationships give Virgo a sense of duty and pride. . This guy is rarely single for long, unless it’s by choice, since he does have incredibly high standards. Still, the Virgo man is lost without a project, so he tends to be hands-on, even controlling, about the direction of his love life.

 

Are you tired of raising your boyfriends and teaching them how to act like grown men? Hang up your metaphorical nursing bra. The Virgo man needs none of your mother’s milk, thank you very much. Self-sufficient and self-directed, he’s no Oedipus or mama’s boy. However, he can dig in his heels like a headstrong child. Like all earth signs, he’s stubborn. Virgo can plant himself firmly in a position and refuse to budge. “You can’t make me!” He’ll stand by your side just as willfully.

 

Since he’s naturally stern and fatherly, the Virgo man makes a devoted dad. He doesn’t mind playing papa to you, either, though he has his limits. It’s alright if you’re a little needy, as long as you’re smart and ambitious. His earth-sign nature makes him stable and grounding, a favorite among daddy’s girls and women with absentee fathers. From his melodious voice to his tender gaze, there’s something soothing about the Virgo man. With his firm, athletic body, he can hold you in a way that makes you feel completely safe.

 

Co-dependence is the Virgo man’s co-pilot. Many of his relationships start while he’s helping a “friend” get back on her feet. He has a knack for finding women who’ve fallen on hard times: divorce, death of a loved one, recovery from abuse or alcoholism. He loves to be there, comforting and shepherding you through the grieving process, holding your hair back as you puke up your soul. He’ll listen to your troubles with a therapist’s patience, knowing that his foolproof strategy will work once again. The damsel in distress always falls for the noble knight. And if the knight just happens to gallop off once she’s restored to well-being, that’s just how fairy tale might end. He never promised you Happily Ever After just because he picked you up on a white horse. But he’ll never throw you off the horse before shepherding you safely back home.

 

Ultimately, the Virgo man needs a bigger cause than patching up strays. His astrological duty is to serve humankind. He must find his mission, his life’s work and calling. Unless he is contributing to the greater society, or at least a noble cause, the Virgo man is adrift at sea. He will squander his gifts by playing the enabler and co-dependent hero. He’ll take on women’s problems, when he should really march them to the nearest therapist’s couch. And he will walk away from amazing women—with whom he is highly compatible—simply because they don’t need his rescuing.

 

Until this control freak learns to let go and trust, he can never receive. Giving without receiving (and vice-versa) makes for a one-sided relationship. With lots of practice, Virgo might finally loosen his grip and enjoy a healthy relationship, one based on companionship rather than control.

[daphne]

A virgo male. Shudder.

[EasyHeart]

A virgo male. Shudder.

Plus, he's over 18 so that would make him too old for you.

 

God. It's embarrassing to me reading all these posters buying into this astrological crap.

Lighten up, Francis.

[jerbear]

If you were a guy and in this situation (he's still a guy) I'd tell you to put your c*ck in his mouth to shut him the heck up! :lmao:

I did that once to an ex. She just talked and talked, so I took it out and told her she needs to be quiet and to shut it. Plus I slapped her with it.

 

Her payback was to just kiss me to shut me up and manhandle me in public.

 

Generally the guy shuts up, listens and finds a way to get his face between our legs.....

 

 

By the way, Virgos are a communicator sign as well.

I guess that is how he gets his short term relationships.

[snug.bunny]

I did that once to an ex. She just talked and talked, so I took it out and told her she needs to be quiet and to shut it. Plus I slapped her with it.

 

Her payback was to just kiss me to shut me up and manhandle me in public. :love

 

Jerbear

[Pierre]

Frankly, it sounds like there was a fair amount of chemistry going on - methane, hydrogen, hydrogen sulfide, etc...

 

Sorry, you got me started on farts, and I'm going to ride it all the way.

 

 

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

BTW, farting is not sexy on a woman. So I give OP credit for keeping the gas inside of her for 16 hours.

 

I must say i would not enjoy a date if I had to keep the gas inside for that long. Maybe that is why the date was not a good one.:(

[Pierre]

I don't need external validation- if anything I think the guy I am dating does.

 

I don't really have any specific emotional needs at the moment. I'm stressed out with my job, and it is taking a toll on me, and he is in tune with that.

 

It's not that I'm impressed that he seems to understand me in a deeper way than other men I've dated- but I do find it perplexing in contrast to his constant need to build himself up to me.

 

 

In this thread you have mentioned this more than once:

 

he seems to understand me in a deeper way than other men I've dated

 

Trust me on this one. He has figured out which buttons to push. This comes natural to narcissists.

 

He is looking for a woman that will give him the validation he craves; in that regard you are correct. At some point he will need to criticsize you here and there to gain more external validation. That explains his obsession with your diet and medications.

 

His constant blowing of his own horn is not cool.

[Trimmer]

God. It's embarrassing to me reading all these posters buying into this astrological crap.

Yes, could we please get back to a less embarrassing line of discussion, like farting?

 

Lighten up, Francis.

Actually, I'm with T.C. on the astrology-is-crap thing, but I do give you points for the Stripes quote...

 

In this thread you have mentioned this more than once:

 

he seems to understand me in a deeper way than other men I've dated

 

Trust me on this one. He has figured out which buttons to push. This comes natural to narcissists.

Yeah, depending on the context, someone who understands you "like nobody ever has" could be a comforting thing, or it could be sinister... This is a quality both of highly empathetic people, and of master maniuplators.

[blueskyday]

I agree, possible narcissistic tendencies. Been there. Done that. My first clue should have been how he absolutely seemed to know me on such a deep level...and what a NICE guy! I couldn't believe my incredible luck in finding him...until the mask came off.

 

Then you will see a man who needs external validation like he needs air. And you won't be enough of a supply. He will build you up, only to knock you down lower than you have ever felt. Then on to the next source of validation.

 

Of course, he may NOT be a narcissist, so you may choose to stay, but keep your eyes open. Maybe at best he is a bit self-centered. Who talks forever and ever without caring about the other person's needs. A selfish one, perhaps?

 

Don't be fooled by the vitamin nurturing. He might be trying to impress you. Say "No thanks. I'm good." Then see how he reacts. If he's cool and backs off, no problem. If he acts mad, watch out.

 

My ex was all about wanting others to think highly of him, whoever they were. I will forever watch for that again. Needing external validation from strangers is not normal. Neither is a lack of empathy. Narcissists have fake hearts. They are good at pretending, for a while. They may want a real relationship, but they don't have the depth of feelings required.

 

He may not be a narcissist. Time will tell. Maybe give him a few more chances to see. Just be careful and keep your heart to yourself. Watch him.

 

Better safe than sorry. I'm done giving my total trust to new guys. More often than not, I've been burned. If I have to choose between giving the benefit of the doubt and believing the worst case, I will try to land in the middle. No one gets the benefit of the doubt until I have enough positive info that takes me in the direction.

 

Intimacy is about continued positive interactions in a safe predictable (constant) proximity.

 

That just takes time to figure out.

[Pierre]

 

 

Yeah, depending on the context, someone who understands you "like nobody ever has" could be a comforting thing, or it could be sinister... This is a quality both of highly empathetic people, and of master maniuplators.

 

Totally!!!!!!!!!!!:cool:

 

Good post

[whichwayisup]

DLishy, Update!!!

 

He may not be a narcissist. Time will tell. Maybe give him a few more chances to see. Just be careful and keep your heart to yourself. Watch him.

I'm not sure if he is a narcissist, even if he has some qualities. I still think he was really nervous and he's inexperienced so the talking and acting full of himself is just a reaction of nerves and maybe not having the best social skills due to spending too much time alone or working too much.